Warning: The humor in here is pretty raunchy. I'm not kidding, it gets (implicitly) really bad. Reviews would be appreciated, as always. I'm not actually sure if this one is funny, so another opinion would help.
Roxas' Room of Secrets
"YEAH!! TAKE IT! That's what you get! Suck it! UGGHH!"
Larxene was pressing hear ear against one of the many white doors in the overly massive flying fortress that she called home.
No. It's not coming from this room.
She lifted her head and walked to the next door.
"YEAH, AXEL! Who's your daddy! say it! SAY IT!"
Larxene giggled to herself as she checked to make sure her camera was ready and pressed her ear against the next door.
Larxene's face would explode if she blushed any harder. This would be the greatest photo ever taken of those twerps as soon as she could find the source of the commotion. She rounded a corner and found Demyx and Xigbar both leaning against a door muffling their laughter.
Xigbar put a finger to his lips.
"Shhh... this is privat-HA!"
Demyx clapped a hand over his mouth.
"You like that, Don't you! Yeah! Take it!"
Larxene tip-toed quietly to them and held up her camera. Both of them began nodding vigorously and moved out of the way. Demyx pointed to a white strip of paper on Larxene's cloak curiously. She glanced at it, a name tag.
"It's my somebody's name!" she whispered happily.
She smiled gleefully and began gesturing to Xigbar while she held up her camera.
Xigbar grabbed the door handle and waited for her signal. Just as she was about to nod, Zexion came around the corner.
"What is that racke-" Demyx clapped a hand to his mouth.
The noises on the other side of the door suddenly stopped after an odd "blip!"
"Hello?" Roxas called.
Everyone was silent for what felt like an hour.
"YEAH, BITCH! GET SOME!!"
Zexion's eyebrow raised unnaturally high as Demyx released his mouth.
Zexion smiled slightly and stepped closer to the door to listen.
Xigbar grabbed the handle to the door again and nodded to Larxene. She raised the camera and suddenly a portal opened behind her. Lexaeus stepped out and glanced around at everyone. No one was worried about him talking.
"UGHH! UGHH! YEAH!"
He raised an eyebrow.
Demyx tip-toed to him and whispered, "Roxas and Axel."
He mashed his hands together emphatically.
Lexaeus stared at him blankly.
"Axel is in the library."
Everyone was silent again while they stared at Lexaeus.
Xigbar felt someone touch the door handle from the other side and he jumped through a portal. Everyone followed suit except for Lexaeus. Roxas poked his head out the door.
He straightened up and assumed a professional demeanor. Lexaeus noted that his cloak was on and unruffled.
"Do you... wanna' come in?"
Lexaeus thought for a moment, then nodded. He stepped inside and the door closed behind them.
A few minutes later, the screaming resumed. It continued long enough to attract more attention.
Xemnas strode authoritatively down the hallway with every intention of knocking on Roxas' door for full effect. He had been practicing his "I'm not happy" knock for hours, and now was the perfect time to use it. Screaming in general was bad enough, but number Thirteen was definitely going over the line with some of the things he was saying.
"SUCK IT! UGHH! UGHH! YEAH! YOUR MOM'S GONNA FEEL THAT!"
Xemnas paused in place a few feet away from the door.
"What, you're going?"
The door opened and Lexaeus stepped out. Xemnas tried to glare at him but it ended up looking more like a mix of "Was that what I think it was?" and "but you're eight times his size!"
Lexaeus blushed and decided not to make the situation worse by trying to explain.
"Um... I'll... go now."
He stepped through a portal. Xemnas' eye began twitching as he pivoted on his heel and returned to his room.
"BAM! BAM! BAM!"
In the library, Larxene, Zexion, Xigbar, and Demyx were standing around a small three-book bonfire being attended by a cross-legged Axel. He gestured at another pile of books, more fuel, behind him.
"We have Ninety-two exact copies of..." he picked one up and glared at the cover, "Twilight. So I'm trimming down the shelves."
Larxene stuck her finger in his face. "Well maybe it's a good book! Did you ever think of that?! Huh? Maybe-"
"They're yours, aren't they?"
Xigbar tried to suppress a laugh in his throat. Larxene glanced at everyone with her peripheral vision. All of them were giggling slightly.
All eyes fell to her name tag. Isabella Swan. She ripped it off and dropped it on the floor.
Axel shrugged. "Okay."
He tossed another book on the fire.
Larxene caught it and hugged it to her chest.
Axel swiped her name tag and stuck it to his chest, then leapt to his feet.
"Oh! Edward!" He cried as he grabbed a book and began prancing about, much to the amusement of the other members who were now doubled over in laughter.
"Hey!" Larxene summoned a kunai. "That's not funny!"
Axel covered his face in mock surprise and adopted Larxene's voice again.
"Oh! Edward! Save me!"
"I'm gonna' cut your tongue out for that!"
Larxene rushed him, causing him to shriek in terror and bend over facing away to protect his face.
She jumped on his back and he began running to try to escape, knocking over the ninety-two book pile in the process, which scattered around the other's who were doubled over with laughter by the fire.
Larxene hopped off of Axel's back and poised her knife for a very uncomfortable insertion.
"Stop it or I'll shove this right up there!"
Xemnas stepped out of a portal and gestured over his shoulder.
"Where you all aware that-...?"
The first thing he saw was Demyx, Zexion, and Xigbar reclining next to a fire on the floor and completely surrounded by exact copies of Twilight. Next he saw Larxene bent over Axel, then the Kunai, then the name tag on Axel. His eye began twitching again as he turned and returned to his portal.
Marluxia will know what to do, he thought.
"So... do I look like him?"
Luxord glanced above his game of solitaire at Xaldin, who was sitting across from him wearing a spiky red wig.
"Guess." Xaldin pointed at a name tag he was wearing.
Luxord leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette. Xaldin raised a eyebrow.
"What's that for?"
"Well, if you remember our last meeting, I am no longer allowed to shuffle my cards while I'm speaking to anyone. But I have to do something with my hands or I'll go mad. A cigarette fits the bill perfectly."
Xaldin stared at him for a while.
"So you're smoking?"
Xaldin was silent, so Luxord filled in for him.
"An unexpected upside of it was a good chance to use my tongue."
"We don't eat, remember? So when's the last time any of us has tasted anything?"
"Ah. What's the flavor?"
Luxord tossed him a pack.
"Oh. And if you want a second opinion on your... disguise... you know who you should really talk to?"
Xemnas paced as fast as he possibly could out of his portal and stopped face to face with Marluxia's door. It had a picture on it of a bright pink flower. Xemnas stared at it intensely.
His hair is pink too.
His eyes went wide as he began putting two and two together.
And he loves flowers in general. He gardens, his room is always clean... Demyx. Demyx will know what to do. No... Demyx spends all his time writing music and poetry on a SITAR instead of a GUITAR. And dancing? Luxord. I'll talk to Luxord. Wait...Luxord always wants to play strip poker!
Xemnas ran a hand through his hair while epiphanies ravaged his mind.
We need more sociable female members, NOW.
The library was silent as everyone exchanged glances.
Xigbar spoke first. "Do you think were in trouble?"
"You are all so childish! Edward wouldn't act this way!"
Larxene summoned a portal and began throwing her books through it.
Axel grabbed his hindquarters to make sure they were still there and then scurried around the corner to the next isle. "I guess you're done with Harry Potter then," he mumbled under his breath.
Demyx, Xigbar, and Zexion all perked their ears up. Very faintly they could hear Roxas screaming again. Zexion raised an eyebrow and Demyx nodded. They stepped through a portal.
Xaldin stepped out of Roxas' room smugly with a cigarette in his mouth. He was met instantly by the surprised stares of Xigbar, Demyx, and Zexion.
"How about you guys? Do I look like Axel to you?" He lit the cigarette and took a drag.
Roxas voice came through the door.
"Alright. I'm done with that looser, let's see what happens next."
Xaldin nodded at the door appreciatively. "Kid's got a lot of energy. He's been screamin' for three hours. So? Am I Axel-ish or what? Roxas said I was, but I want-"
Zexion began retching and fell to his knees. Demyx shrieked and hopped on Xigbar's back to avoid Zexion's puking. Xigbar gave out under the weight and fell on top of Zexion.
Roxas' door creaked open an inch. Everyone became silent and stared at the dark aperture. For a while, nothing happened inside. Then, a camera jumped out, flashed, and retracted behind the barrier. Demyx looked down at Xigbar, who he was bent over. Xigbar, in turn, looked down at Zexion, who he was bent over just as compromisingly.
"We can NOT let that picture get out."
Xaldin took a swig of Sake and laughed. "I'll go ask Marluxia." He turned and left through a portal.
Xemnas set down his phone on the receiver mounted on his desk and breathed a sigh of relief. "As soon as they arrive," he said to himself, "everything will be fine. I just need to take sit in my chair to calm my nerves."
Roxas set his camera down and sniggered to himself as he flopped onto the couch, glass of milk in hand. He loved milk. He didn't even have to drink it but boy did he love milk.
"That is so going on my myspace." Roxas took a sip of his milk and savored it thoroughly before swallowing.
When he was done, he picked up a controller sitting next to him and pressed a button labeled "start."
"Okay, I beat Axel (bitch), I walk in here... I beat up a computer... odd... door slides open..."
Roxas moved the left joystick around for a moment, then set the controller down, again picking up the glass of milk.
While he drank, he watched as his future played out before him on the screen. The milk went sour with his attitude.
He hopped through a portal as Xigbar, Zexion, and Demyx rushed through the door.
Xigbar immediately grabbed the camera and pocketed it.
Demyx watched the T.V. screen with interest. Zexion, meanwhile, was staring at the glass of milk. He leaned over and sniffed it inquisitively.
"What is this?"
Demyx glanced at the glass and shrugged, then returned his gaze to the screen. Xigbar was searching the room for Roxas' laptop.
While they were both looking away, a thought struck Zexion. Smell couldn't tell him everything but... he checked to make sure that neither of them were looking his way, then slowly lowered his lips to the liquid.
Xemnas peered over his desk at Roxas. The desk didn't have anything in it, but it felt important sitting there so Xemnas let it stay. "Yes, Rox-"
Xemnas' eye twitched and he took a second to regain his composure.
"What's the problem Roxas?"
Roxas was wild eyed with fear. "I think my video game can predict the future."
Xemnas blinked, then his eye began twitching again as it spotted something around Roxas' mouth. That can't possibly be what I think it is.
"Superior, I think that DiZ and Riku are going to abduct me and put me into a simulated Twilight Town so that they can bring Sora out of his coma."
Is it? No. No, he would have washed it off.
"Sir?" Roxas took a cautious step forward and Xemnas leaned back subconsciously.
What else could it be? It's so white and crusty!
Xemnas' eye was twitching out of control now. He sat motionless behind his desk, watching the substance around Roxas' mouth. Milk was not his first guess.
It's okay. They'll arrive in time. This will all be okay as soon as-
Zexion burst from a portal, glass in hand with a white liquid covering most of his face and part of his cloak.
"I NEED MORE OF YOUR JUICE ROXAS! NOW!"
Xemnas began screaming at the top of his lungs and covered his head with a cardboard box he had stashed under his desk. "Happy place" was written on the side in crayon.
"ROXAS! GIVE ME YOUR JUICE! IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE!"
Roxas ran away through a portal.
Luxord waved his hand over his deck of cards, causing them to self-shuffle. When they were done, he waved his hand ag-thump-ain and the cards scattered into a solitaire setup. He waived his hand at an ace-thump, thump, thump- and it jumped from it's pile, landing above the rest of the cards. THUMP, THUMP, THUMP. Luxord sighed heavily and shook his head, then fell through a portal and landed in the parapet overlooking whoever had been knocking on the main door. "I don't remember any of us having a birthday..."
I told you it was bad humor. I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen. Oh well. Is it worth a sequel or should it be burned?