Let's see what Xemnas' magical solution is, shall we?


"Axel! Axel! You gotta' help me! They're coming to get me!

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who is coming to get you?"

Roxas peeked around a bookcase in the library for a moment, looked both ways, then leaned toward Axel and whispered, "Namine and DiZ."

Axel stared blankly at him for a moment, then tossed a copy of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire onto his burning pile of books. He resumed staring at Roxas.

Roxas raised his eyebrows in anticipation of an answer.

"Namine... is going to kidnap you?"

"No! Namine AND DiZ!"

"Oh... DiZ?"

"The guy with the big red cloak and the hazel eyes!"

"Um..."

thump, thump, thump.

Roxas ducked and summoned his keyblades. "SHIT! I bet that's them! Axel, you gotta' help me!"

"Roxas..."

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.

"I don't know who this DiZ guy is. But I can assure you that Namine is not going to kidnap you."

"NO! I'm telling you, SHE'S ONE OF THEM!"

"One of who?"

"THEM! There's a group of them! One of them has a cloak though- I don't know, I didn't play Chain Of Memories, just the opening of the second one- but I read a review- They want to stick me in a simulated Twilight Town!"

Axel blinked, then added another book to the fire. The pile behind him was steadily shrinking.

"Why?"

"To revive Sora! Don't you see! It's a conspiracy to stop us from getting our hearts back!"

"Roxas..."

"What?"

"When's the last time you slept?"

"Um... I don't remember."

Axel shook his head and spun a finger around his ear. "Tsk, tsk, tsk."

"That's not funny. You don't sleep either."

"Whatever. Don't sweat it. Just stick with me, enjoy the fire, and it'll be all good."

Roxas glanced around uneasily, expecting someone to be watching him from between the books, and sat when he felt slightly more secure. Axel added another book to the fire. RRRRRRRRINGGGGGG!!

Water began to spray from the ceiling, soaking Axel in his cross-legged pose.

"Maybe we should chill somewhere else."

"The main hall! It's safer there! If they try to get me, they'd sneak in the back instead of going through the front! Good thinking, Axel!"

qp.qp.qp

Luxord opened the main door as slowly as he knew how, then popped his head out.

"Hello?"

About four-hundred minor Nobodies were standing outside, a massive cake supported on their shoulders. They shambled forward through the open door, pushing Luxord to the side, and set it down in the main hall. As soon as they were done, they all shambled out the door again and left.

"Cheerio then."

Axel and Roxas stepped out of a portal and stopped short of the massive delicacy.

"Talk about cake with a capital C!"

"Shh- sshh-suuuuuugaaaarrrr!"

Roxas lunged into it and began climbing around in it, munching as much as possible. Luxord eyed it curiously. Axel stared. Roxas climbed. Lexaeus stepped out of a portal nearby and joined Luxord in eying curiously.

qp.qp.qp

Xemnas caught his breath for a moment, then gave another scream. His room had been empty for quite some time, but the effect remained. he had almost given up all hope, until...

thump, thump, thump.

Xemnas ripped the cardboard box from his head and was silent.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.

A broad smile crept across his face and jumped off his cheeks for more room. They had arrived. He took several minutes to compose himself, then hopped through a portal into the main hall, where the rest of the organization had already gathered. Marluxia even brought Namine along. Roxas was oblivious to everyone. Xemnas could hardly contain his glee. He turned to everyone in the hall and exclaimed, "Enjoy! Free cake for hardworking nobodies!"

"Do I-?"

"No. Not you Namine. You go back to your cage."

Namine's lower lip trembled slightly. Lexaeus picked up a chunk of the cake with two fingers and sniffed it. Demyx grabbed a handful and chewed it. Marluxia removed a plastic fork from an airtight package in his pocket, and tasted a bite. After the first few samples, mostly from parts that Roxas hadn't trampled, the members began socializing, and even enjoying themselves a little. No one noticed that Xemnas had returned to his office.

"Any moment now," he said to himself. "Any moment..."

qp.qp.qp

Roxas continued rampaging about on the highest tier of the multi-layered cake. It was his tier. He crawled around on all fours, smudging it into his cloak in hopes of preserving the flavor for later. He loved it.

"Cakecakecakecakecakecake."

Ding!

"What?"

Roxas lifted his knee up, then set it down again.

Ding!

His knee was touching something metal under all the deliciousness.

Click.

"Surprise!"

"AHH!"

The top of the cake lifted open like a hatch to reveal that, in fact, it was a hatch. Roxas was thrown to the ground below, landing at Namine's feet with his face covered by his hands. He curled into a ball defensively.

No one cared about where Roxas landed. They were staring at the top of the cake.

qp.qp.qp

Xemnas was content again. He couldn't think of a better way to solve the organization's problems. All he had to do now was wait. He tapped his fingers on the desk and tried to imagine what was happening out of sheer anticipation. Xigbar stepped through a portal into his office. Xemnas contained his excitement professionally.

"Superior?"

"Yes, Number 2?"

"Could you tell me again how Nobodies are created?" Xemnas was annoyed by the unexpected question, but humored him.

"Well... when a Somebody becomes a heartless, their body carries on as a Nobody."

"So... how do you make a Samurai Nobody?"

Xemnas blinked.

"By making a Samurai Heartless."

Xigbar nodded thoughtfully.

"Right, right. Hmm... So... what about a Sniper Nobody?"

Xemnas was becoming impatient at Xigbar's off-topic questions.

"By making a Sniper Heartless."

"And Dancer Nobodies?"

"Dancer Heartless."

Xigbar nodded thoughtfully again, then began to smile mischievously. "So... the Stripper Nobodies that came out of the cake...?"

qp.qp.qp

Roxas peeked between his fingers and saw Namine leaning over him.

"Are you alright?"

"AXEL! HELP!"

"You're on your own dude."

Axel was entranced by the show. The rest of the organization seemed to agree that Roxas would need to help himself. Larxene, in the mean time, was rigid and furious. If there was one thing she hated more than whores, it was attention whores. She excluded herself from the category on the basis that she deserved it. She moved to Axel's side and hugged his arm.

"Axel, darling." She batted her eyebrows at him. He didn't even bother to avert his gaze from the show on the cake.

Larxene stamped her foot angrily, then turned to Namine, who hadn't been returned to her cage because of Marluxia's preoccupation.

"This is YOUR FAULT!"

Namine didn't argue. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. She turned and ran away, crying.

Roxas peeked through his fingers again.

"You saved me, Axel!"

"Any time-ohhhh yessss."

Larxene stamped her foot again angrily, causing the tiled floor to break, then looked around the room at the other members. No one was paying attention to her at all. She had lost this battle, but not the war. Larxene growled to herself, then left through a portal. Roxas, now even more paranoid by what he thought was Namine's foiled attempt to kidnap him, returned to his room as well to prepare. Xaldin, in the mean time, took a swig of sake and let loose.


Stripper Nobodies are created when a stripper becomes a Heartless. Just so you know... XP