Grooms and Transvestites

By Isabelle

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am a peon. Ok. Thanks.

Rating: PG

Summary: It's the wedding day and the groom & all of his men are missing. Serena was going to kill her step-brother. CB & some DS.

Spoilers: All of Season 1

A/N: Just because


"Define missing."

The tone and look the bride gave Serena was enough to freeze her blood cold. She shouldn't have said anything; she should've kept her mouth shut. Shut, shut, shut. Not mentioned a thing. Look completely taken back when someone else broke the news.

She was standing before the firing squad with no shelter, no protection, no bullet-proof vest and no shatter-proof glass.

"When was the last time you spoke to him?" Serena offered, seeing the Bride's eyes go from confusion, to anger to clear panic.


"What's going on?" Eleanor waltzed in to the room, looking as stunning as ever with the bridal bouquet at hand. Lilac hydrangeas.

"He's missing!" Blair cried out, flopping onto her chair and starring helplessly at Serena.

"What do you mean he's missing?" Eleanor gasped, starring wide-eyed at Serena.

"Actually, they're all missing." Serena re-assured her with a smile.

This did nothing to placate the anxious bride.

"Blair dear," her father attempted to soothe her but afraid to touch her.

"Call him!" Blair demanded.

"Don't you think I've tried that? I've called them all, Jenny called, Vanessa called, even Bart called - none of them are answering!" Serena's hair was starting to unravel.

Eleanor noticed and fixed her with a glare.

"Calm down, this is perfectly normal, sweetheart. If they're all missing that is a good sign. They're probably all together." Harold told his daughter but silently eased up his collar.

Blair looked at her parents, first in confusion and then in anger.

"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill them all!"


"Anything?" Jenny hurried to Serena as she exited Blair's room.

The elder shook her head and sighed.


"Nate's phone just goes to voicemail," Jenny explained. "Dan's rings and rings."

"If they got completely drunk and are unable to function I will simply murder them!" Serena seethed.

"Dan should know better!" Jenny nodded.

Both girls turned when Vanessa entered the room. "Anything?"

"No." Both Jenny and Serena replied and Vanessa's jaw dropped.

"Anything?" Harold exited the room a worried look all over his face.

Serena shook her head.

"How is she?" Vanessa cringed.

"At this point – she may just need a re-touch in her make-up. Give it another 15 minutes and Chuck would be safer just staying away." Serena explained, dropping herself dramatically on the chaise.

All four of them turned when Eleanor exited Blair's room.

"I gave her a Valium." Eleanor explained, rubbing her forehead.

Serena groaned and pulled her phone out once more.

"Anything?" Now it was Mrs. Bass' turn to ask as she entered and Vanessa shook her head sadly.

"Nothing? Nothing at all?" Lily gasped.

"I'm going to kill him!" Serena groaned.

"Has Bart heard from him?" Eleanor asked.

"We haven't heard from neither him nor Eric," Lily sat down next to Serena.

"This is ridiculous, I knew it was a bad idea for them to do this the night before," Eleanor seethed. "I told you that this was a bad idea!" She glared at her ex-husband who ignored her. Jenny patted her mentor's back and grimaced at Vanessa who attempted to call Dan again.

"I think I'm going to need a Valium," Eleanor sat down taking a deep breath and Harold passed her his bottle.

"Let me check on her," Serena finally said and re-entered Blair's room.


"B?" Serena whispered as she watched Blair dressed in her fairy-tale gown and all lay across her bed, starring out the window and clutching something to her chest.

"I want to be alone," Blair said calmly from her spot.

"No, B." Serena sat down and looked down at Blair's tear-streaked face. "He's going to show any moment. They all will."

"He's two hours late." Blair's voice was of calm sadness and it broke Serena's heart.

"They are probably completely hung over." Serene attempted to re-assure her.

"What if he never comes? If he never comes promise me you won't ever make me take off the dress." Blair clutched the object closer to her chest. "I don't want to take off the dress, ok?"

"Before you know it he's going to be ripping it off you," Serena groaned internally. No matter how many years Blair and her step-brother had been together she still had these horrible mental images.

This didn't make the bride laugh but more tears just came.

"He's probably ripped someone else's dress off," Blair moaned.

"Oh, B!" Serena grimaced. Chuck Bass, as God is my witness, you better show your face or I'll-


"Anything?" Jenny and Harold asked a confused Bart as he entered the room were they were all sitting.

"I've attempted all my contacts. No one has heard from them," He explained, rubbing his hand over his face.

Eleanor stood and faced Bart. "If your son leaves my daughter at the altar I will-"

"He wouldn't," Bart stated in a tone that explained to everyone why he was called Big Bart Bass.

"Has Rufus heard from Dan?" Vanessa asked Jenny, hopefully.

Jenny shook her head.

"Where the hell can they be?" Eleanor cried.


"What are you holding, B?" Serena asked quietly.

Blair looked at her for a moment and then slowly opened her hands.

It was Chuck Bass' scarf from high school.

"It smells like him." Blair was quiet for a moment. "I should be upset. I should hate him. But now I think something is wrong."

"B, I'm telling you, they're pro-"

"He wouldn't do this to me. He just wouldn't." Blair clutched the scarf closer to her.


"Three hours." Eleanor stated and then looked down, taking a shaky drink from her tea.

"I'm worried," Harold confessed and ignored Eleanor's pointed looks.

"I'll make the announcement," Bart said and Lily looked worriedly over at him. His jaw was twitching faster than she'd ever seen it.

"Bart," Lily began.

"I'll take the brunt of it. Eleanor and Harold, stay here with your daughter." Bart stood up and walked to the door when Vanessa burst through the door and almost knocked BBB unconscious.

"They're here!"

"Oh, thank god!"


"Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Daniel Humphrey!"


"Eric, for the love-"

The four boys – now men- walked in through the door and the women (and Harold) gasped at their appearance.

Nate was missing his pants, Dan had a black eye and his hair was in disarray, Eric was missing a shirt and a chunk of hair and the groom had a towel to his head to stop the bleeding and a bruised cheek… along with a missing jacket, shoes and socks.

"What on earth?" Eleanor cried, taking in her future son-in-law's face. He simply couldn't come out in pictures like this.

"We were kidnapped, assaulted and left to fend for ourselves by five…." Chuck glared at Eric who looked bright red and ashamed.

"…. Transvestite strippers." Dan finished wincing at his eye.

Harold let out a muffled laugh.

Serena chose that moment to walk out and let out a high scream when she saw them.

"Chuck Bass, I swear to God!" Serene pointed her finger at him and then looked at Dan. "Baby! What happened, are you ok?"

"Is he ok? Is he ok?" Chuck cried. "I'm bleeding!"

"Well, this wedding simply cannot go on!" Eleanor paced before the guys, taking deep breaths as Lily attempted to inspect Eric's missing hair spot and Chuck's bleeding.

"The hell it's not!" Chuck growled. "Where is she?"

Eleanor placed herself before Blair's door. "She's not well and you can't see her."

"Eleanor-" Harold attempted.

"Oh yes I am!" Chuck moved Eleanor away from Blair's door and Nate swore he saw Bart raise an eyebrow. He wasn't sure if he was proud or afraid his son might be decapitated.


When he entered the room he saw her – a ball of white fabric, topped by a dark head and shaking shoulders.

He sighed and kneeled in front of her. "Blair?"

She had her eyes closed and he thought that for a moment she looked like sleeping beauty. That's when he noticed his old scarf clutched tightly by her.

"I thought you had left me… like you did in Tuscany," she said quietly, eyes still closed.

"Blair, look at me." He asked her and touched her shoulder softly.

She opened her eyes and took him in.

"Oh my god!" she sat up, forgetting her tears, eyed wide as she looked at him. "You look terrible! You can't come out in the pictures like this! What am I going to tell my grandchildren?" she demanded.

Chuck almost sputtered.

"I'm bleeding, I got kicked in the head by a 6 foot five hairy transvestite who took off with my wallet, my phone, my dignity, my shoes and those socks you got me last Christmas and all you can think about is photos?" he demanded, glaring at her.

Blair attempted to get up from the bed but wobbled as the skirts kept her in place. "Help me, help me!"

Chuck shook his head and grabbed her arm, pulling her to him. She fell flush against him and looked up at him.

"Eww…." She cringed. "You smell like the subway."

"You smell like flowers," he looked down at her, hungrily. "And you look stunning… I mean the raccoon look is not my favorite, I'll admit, but I'd still do you."

She smacked him across the chest. "Don't you ever do that to me again!" She smacked him again.

"Hey! I've been beat up already!" he grabbed her hand and let go of the towel against his head.

"You're bleeding!" she gasped as she pulled his head down and he cried out when she put pressure against his throbbing cheek.

"I told you!" he winced as she inspected his cut.

"I think you need stitches! Oh god! This is a disaster! Our marriage will be a disaster!" She began panicking.

"No it won-"

"We have to re-schedule! Chuck, we have to re-schedule!"

"I heard you the first time!" He yelled back and then she burst out crying, sobbing for all she was worth. Which was quite a few millions.

Now he felt bad.

"Blair." She didn't respond as she sobbed into her hands. "Blair, baby – I'm sorry, ok?"

"No you're not – this is what you wanted, you wanted this wedding to be ruined so you could be a bachelor for the rest of your life!" she smacked him again, hiccupping with sobs.

"I haven't' been a bachelor since I was seventeen years old! I can't even remember what other women look like naked!" he shouted back.

"Like hell!"

"I just walked fifteen blocks in my bare feet, sold my custom tailored blazer to a man with missing teeth so we could take a cab for the next five blocks because all I could think was that here you where, in your Vera Wang dress, ready to marry me and me no where to be found!"

She stared at him for a minute and then pulled him down and kissed him.

When he was finally able to breathe he looked down at her, dazed, cut forgotten.

"Chuck Bass, that is the most romantic thing you've ever done for me." She stated and then smiled at him. "I don't care what you look like or that my make-up is running. I'm going to marry you to tonight, transvestites be dammed!"


"It's going to take years to fix this," Eleanor hissed at Harold who attempted to hide his smile.

"And I now pronounce you husband and wife," the preacher said looking still as alarmed as when the couple waltzed into the altar. "You may-"

But the groom had already grabbed the bride and was showing the rest of the men in the audience exactly how a woman needed to be kissed.

"…. Um… kiss the bride?"

Eleanor closed her eyes in indignation but next to her Lily thought that they would be just fine.

The End, baby

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