Title: For me, it's you
Summary: Blair's thoughtful night have to do with someone who's not by her side. But things are gonna change, even if she wouldn't want.
For me, it's you
If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
You better bet your life if this is what I'm gonna say just give it away
You can't take it where you're goin anyway
She was laying on her bed, watching the ceiling and thinking about what have just happened that night. Annoying thoughts were running through her mind. She just couldn't find the determination and the strength to face them, in that moment. She sighed and closed her eyes, but together with other thoughts, also pictures of her past started to appear. She decided she couldn't bear it anymore. Suddenly, she got up from the bed, trying to make no noise not to wake the other person who was sleeping half-naked in the same bed. She watched him briefly, then looked away. She didn't want other troubles to think about. What happend that night was enough.
Walking slowly and quietly through the dark bedroom, she reached the door and went out. She waited for the elevator, and meanwhile she took a look at a mirror hanged to the wall. It was a very beauitful mirror, with a golden frame and a bright glass. She could see herself even in the dim light of the corridor. And what did she see? A tired girl, a pair of deep doe-like eyes, an half-closed mouth, a mouth full of questions with no answers. She raise one eyebrow and smirked, but her devilish smile disappeared as soon as it's appeared. She was not happy at all. On the contrary she was just feeling a strange insecurity inside herself. But, she thought, she was Blair Waldorf! Insecurity wasn't allowed. She has always been the fierce one. The determinated and ambitious girl, with her certainnesses and no doubts. And maybe too much pride to see the other herself. But lately, she has started to ask herself if she could ever be that person, anymore. Some events that have happend in that last months have changed her completely. Maybe not in a negative way, but neither in a positive one. She couldn't understand who she was became, anymore. She didn't recognize herself. Do the others feel the same? Maybe not, maybe yes. But nobody has ever told her nothing. Or maybe they were too much afraid to make her open her eyes. And has she ever felt that change? Has she ever felt that this was the moment to do something? Has she ever thought that this was wrong? At first, maybe. But then she has became conscious that being a little bit less vulnerable wasn't that bad. Has she failed in a certainness for the first time?
She got into the elevator and pushed the bottom to the terrace. She arrived there in a little while.
The terrace was one of the most beautiful place of that five stars Hotel. It was huge and enlightened, and it was enclosed by a flourished hedge. She could smell the delicate fragrance of roses and hortensies, her favourite ones. She could feel like home thanks to that perfume. Suddenly, she shook her head, trying to focus on her oppressive thoughts. What would have happened, when she would have come back home? Would he forgive her? And she... she would have accept all that mess just as a mistake and could have she gone on with her life? Or maybe she wouldn't say anything, but the weight of her actions would have persecute her till her end. She has always been a great and without-scruples liar, but he... he just has got that terrific power on herself. With him, she knew she didn't have to lie. With him, she was naked. Well, that was true even in a no-metaphorical way, she thought, almost smiling, but it wasn't the point.
She reach the swimming pool's rim where there were some deck chairs. She took one of them and she laid down. She could see the obscure sky, quilted by bright and shimmering stars. She would have been a star, silent and steady, with no troubles, no thoughts, no occupations, no responsibility. Her only work would have been to watch below together with the other billion of stars. She closed her eyes, imagining it. She could see her friend, Serena, in the Hamptons' estate, maybe reflecting, or reading, or doing whatever. She could see that little heinous of Jenny, sleeping in her -tonk bedroom. Provided that she has a bedroom. She could see her mother, with her imperious face covered by some seaweed-mask or whatever. And she could she him... but doing what? She couldn't know. When she saw towards him, she always saw him with a girl, a girl with long, curly, dark brown hair, a complacent smile on her red lips and a malicious glance. She always saw him together with herself. Suddenly, she opened her eyes and broke the spell. She started to bite her lower lip, looking nervous.
That wasn't possible. That picture keep on persecuting her. The picture was so disarming, but, at the same time, painful. She wanted that. In that precise moment she wanted to be with him and no one, being cuddled and reassured, being kissed - on the shoulder, on the mouth - as only he could do. Was it love? Did he feel like this, when he said he had got butterflies in his stomach? She had alway mocked him, because she couldn't see what he wanted to say. Now she knew it.
She keep on looking to the sky, wondering if he was seeing the same, wondering if he was thinking about her as she was. Wondering if she could ever tell him that she has cheated on him with a whoever guy known at the airport. Especially after his message, the message she has read before she went up.
"Hey, B. I'm taking a red eye. Economic class, can't believe this was the last seat remained. But for you, I'd do everything. Just want to tell you that I'm sorry for the wait. Wanna be honest: I had the chance to rebecame the old Chuck Bass, but I gave up. I couldn't do this to you. 'Cause I've understand that everybody got something that they want to have butterflies about it. And for me, it's you. I'm coming...xoxo, C."