I think we've all figured out that Meredith doesn't like to talk about her feelings. Yep, I do not. It makes me absolutely sick. If I never talk about it, no one can judge it. The last thing I need to do is confess my feelings to Derek. If I tell him the truth, that I am madly in love with him, the next day he will sever all ties and forget I'm alive. Or maybe he would break my heart by telling me that I was far too involved and he had never committed that much to our screwed up relationship. I'm not sure I'm willing to put myself out there like that.
So here Derek is. I see his mouth moving. I can tell you he looks totally into it. I's almost bet that what he is saying is coming from his heart, or at the least he thinks it is. Derek seems happy and comfortable as I stare at him, seeing moving lips but trying like hell not to hear that sound. Does this make me a bad person? Yes, I'm sure it does.
"Are you listening to me?" He asks seriously. What do I say, no Derek, I have not heard a word you said because I don't want to. "I'm pouring my heart out here." And there it is. Didn't I tell you he was? I was right and I wish I was not.
"Yes." I tell him simply. Dear God if this is a test and he starts asking me what he has said, I will fail miserably. At that point, I will bail out of the car, rolling away. I will then climb on buses and jump on trucks to beat him home. I think I have the advantage because I am not sure he knows the way to my house. Then I will pack everything up and place it in the driveway, never talking to him again. No way.
"You looked like you were zoning out." He says frankly. Damn him, how does he know?
"I'm sorry, Derek." I say as I look away and out the window. It is cool by the water and I have caught a slight chill. I'm not sure what I am sorry for, but I do think that he will make a up a reason and all will be well.
"It's okay, baby. I know how you are. I guess I am just hoping one day you won't be anymore." He says in disgust or something like that. I don't even know how to take that? Is he wanting to be something I am not? Is he wanting me to change solely for him? Is he giving up on me? I am feeling like I have nothing. And I guess I shouldn't have anything.
"Oh." I say as I sit there, feeling so terrible about myself and this situation. I don't cry often, but I want to. Maybe it is time to give up on happiness. My mom always said I would die and old maid and I think she was right. She doesn't know me, but at the same time, it may just run in the family. Easy sex and no strings. I think that is us. "Oh."
"What?" He asks as he grabs my hand. This is probably the point where I am supposed to look lovingly in his eyes. I will not. Then he will read me. Then he may make me cry. I have had a lifetime of alone and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
"I don't know. I mean, I know what you are saying. And I appreciate you saying it. And... Can we-" I start as I feel all that emotion trying it's way out of my body. Get down, stay down in the pit of my stomach.
"Go home?" He suggests. Apparently he knows I am ready to spontaneously combust. Pieces of me will be all over the inside of his pretty car. I'm sure he doesn't want that.
"Perfect." I say happily as I realize that for the time being I am escaping this emotion fueled conversation of his heart. I know, I am pathetic. Most people aren't like this. I also know that I can't just wake up tomorrow and be okay. I just won't.
The car remains silent. The sad thing is, I thrive in that. I am like a mold that thrives in the dark. I want to be the bread left under the bed for a school project. I don't want to be pulled out. I want to be forgotten. I want to be left alone. I don't understand why Derek wants to try for me. What can't he just take what I can give him? Why can't he be like most guys, happy with sex and no emotion.
I say nothing as I walk in the house and go to the bathroom. My hiding spot. I never even said anything to Derek at all. Not even when I opened the door to the house. I'm not sure what he is doing but I know that if I cry, it needs to be silent. I learned to cry silently a long time ago. I can sob silently, letting the tears fall. I don't want him to hear. Some things he shouldn't know. The amount of pain I have is one of them.
As I pull myself together and walk out of the bathroom, I see him no where. I wonder what he is doing. I shrug as I trudge up the stairs and to my room. That has to be where he is. As I walk up, I hear music. I hear something. I just want to go to bed and I'm sure he will be chipper and chattery. As I walk in my room, I look in shock. Derek is in bed, nothing on. He has my song playing in the background. Now I am in my element. I can do this.
"Hey." I say as I draw in a deep breath and look up at him.
"Take off your clothes, baby." He says in a throatily voice, full of need. I quickly reach behind me, pulling the door shut. Derek walks up to me and smiles. He is completely naked. His hard manhood ready for me. His balls hanging and waiting for a ride. I don't know how he can be ready so quickly. It's like he is supercharged. He places his hands on the hem of my shirt and tugs it over my head. It has buttons. Buttons are now popping and flying and he doesn't seem to care. I like to let him think he is in control. "Oh...look at you." He asks as he puts his arms around me and unhooks my lacey pink bra.
"I just want it, Derek." I pant with a smirk. I know I need it. Derek has been very patient and I need him. I need to feel him.
"I think I am the one that needs it....." He says with a laugh as his fingers work on the button of my jeans. He obviously has something in mind. Like I didn't know that. "You look nice." He says with a nod as he looks at my lacy bra o the floor and my brazillian cut panties. Just scraps. Enough to cover the necessities and a bit of my ass. "Very nice."
"Hmm." I say with a slight smirk playing on my lips. Playing is so much fun. And to think, I had almost denied myself many times. "I think we need to have some fun." I tell him with a nod as I place my fingers on his chest.
I don't say a word. I don't move a muscle. I remain still as he massages my nipples with the palms of his hands. I feel my nipples turn into hard pebbles at his touch. Derek smirks as his hands run off my my breasts and down my sides. I want him touching me. I never admit it, but I need him touching me. He is the air I need. I feel him on my hips as he placing his fingers around the straps or my panties and tugs them down. I feel them slide down my legs and fall to the floor, where I kick them away.
"Get down on the floor." Derek says with a smile as he gives me a playful shove. "I think you may be in need of something."
"Oh really?" I ask as I stumble backward and look him in the eyes. "Why would I get on the floor?"
"Everyone knows the best fucks are on the floor." Derek jokes as he nods to the floor. I draw in a breath and take a seat on the floor. Derek walks over to the table and grabs one of those ob sleeves he calls a condom. The thing is, he is right, loud thrusty fucks always happen on the floor.
"Just do it, Derek. Fuck me right." I tell him as I spread my legs, ready for him to lay between. "You are the only one that knows how."
"Oh... I will fuck you alright." He says with a nod as he grabs my left leg. He runs his hands down my smooth flesh, careful to take only and inch at a time. He grazes my thigh as he places my leg over his left shoulder. Derek kneels, one knee on either side of my chest. "I'm lucky you are so flexible." He points out as he stretches my leg across and pushes my thigh down and back.
"Oh..." I moan as his fingers get dangerously close to my pussy. He notices my moan and runs his index finger up one wet lip and down the other. He stops in the middle and gently rubs my clit, causing me to jerk.
"Sensitive, are we?" He asks with a smile as I continually pull away. "I guess you need something else right now." He tells me as he grasps his cock and rubs the head against my slick wet slit. I smile as I feel the sensation.
"Yes, Derek.... That's it." I agree with a smile as I look down at his ample cock. "Just do it, Derek. Just give it to me." I beg as I stretch myself as best I can. Derek smirks as he places his cock against the opening of my vagina.
"Is this what you want?" Derek asks as he rubs me as hard and fast as he can with the head of his cock. I nod my head exuberantly, bearing down and waiting for his thick manhood to enter me. Derek gently slides in, filling me to the brink. "Damn... You are tight." He grunts as he feels my tight walls around him.
"Wow....God, Derek!" I spit as I feel his veiny member teasing my core. He sets off every nerve ending in my body. "You... Hard and thick. So hard and thick." I point out as I grasp his thighs. Derek places on hand on my right side for stability and the other around my leg, grasping my left side.
"Oh...Yeah, Mer... Oh yeah." Derek moans as he pulls out and drives back in, stimulating my whole core. I grasp his thigh tight in pleasure and pain. His thickness and length are almost too much for me, but I take it and I take it greedily.
"Oh... Derek... Oh god... That is- A little faster." I tell him as I move my hips along with his. I have little room to work, but I am making it go. I need him to fill me and I need to be able to regulate what I want. "Oh... Oh... Shallow. Right there." I tell him with a nod as I caress his thigh.
"There?" He asks as he takes shallow stabs into my core, being soft and gentle.
"Oh yes... That is it." I agree as I feel myself breaking out into a sweat. I can feel the warm dampness on Derek's flesh. It is taking so much out of our bodies.
"I have to do it harder." Derek warns as the animal takes over in him. He gets in position and takes driving force into my core. I feel like he is going to tear me apart, and yet the quickness of his pace has me reeling.
"Oh....Oh...Oh...Oh... Damn it... I'm there. I can't stop it." I tell him as I drive my hips into him. I need him to fill me. Part of me needs him to hurt me. He needs to tear me in two so that I know he really wants this. I'm so bad. I can't show my feelings. i deserve pain. I stop breathing so I can feel it. I want to feel it all. I pause as I feel him drive into me with such force and passion. "Oh, there....Hard. Oh god yes! Oh...My.... Oh....Oh....Ah....." I pant as I feel the wave come over me. I can't do anything but lay there. I feel the crash as my body starts to pulsate, everything twitching wildly.
"Oh, fuck... I'm there. I'm going to blow!" Derek shouts. I feel his pulsating cock start to shoot his creamy white cum into the condom. Derek ceases motion and closes his eyes as he feels his body come down from the climax that just too him over. He continues to spurt as I continue to milk him.
"Uh huh... I like that," I say with a nod, my eyes closed. I am exhausted. "Let's get rid of my bed."
"It is good. Very good." He agrees as he stays there. "Bed stays. Bed is for sleeping. Every surface is for fucking." He is so right. Dear God don't let him get feelings again. Let's not have emotional talks. Please.
Thankfully he rolled over. He rolled over like a man and fell asleep. I don't know about you, but I don't do that. I can stay awake after sex. But boys, they revert to their little kid selves and conk out quickly. I look at him as he sleeps, so spent and exhausted. I have to say, he made an impressive show and I guess if I were him, I'd be tired too.
I know that Derek is that guy you hold onto. Derek is the guy that you love forever and ever, and yet I have a hard time doing that. I have a hard time doing anything that involves emotion, and I guess you could say that stems from having a very cold mother. Then again, I had a loving grandmother on my father's side. I guess I don't have an excuse for my behavior. You can walk into the grocery store and see kids misbehaving, and then you see the shoppers complaining. Some say it's the parents fault. Others say the kid should know better. So what's wrong with me? Who's fault is it that I'm like this?
I am forever laying in this bed, me laying like a whore. See, whores don't sleep. Not the real kind of whore. Not the ones that lack emotional connections and feeling of regret. No, these whores just lay there and stare at the ceiling, just the same as when they are getting rammed by a cock. I wonder how long Derek will put up with my crap? He makes a long trip every weekend now, and I'm the same. I haven't changed a bit. I still wince when he kisses me. I still can't accept the love he throws onto me like a veil.
"What's the matter, Mer?" Derek asks as he comes from behind and places his hands on my shoulders. I do love him, but I wonder, do I drag him into the abyss with me?
"Nothing, why do you ask?" I question, knowing full well why he asks. He asks because I look miserable, and the truth is, I am miserable. I am miserable and have no idea how I am supposed to pull myself out. Poor weak Meredith.
"You just look, sad." He points out as he leans down and kisses me. I have everything. I am in a good place with a guy that loves me, and I can't seem to improve. I can't seem to accept it. I guess I will make a hardcore surgeon, no feelings. No compassion.
"I'm not sad." I lie as I sigh. The sigh is how I release everything and make myself just a touch more human. Being human is a good thing when you are around someone so great.
See, Derek loves me. I can feel it. I lay in bed, and I can feel the love between us. They say you don't have to say it, you need to feel it. I do. I feel it so strong. I feel it like a magnet, and as I draw closer to him, my polarization changes and once again, I am pushed away. I can honestly say, Derek is perfect. His perfection is enough to make me almost okay, and yet I feel guilty laying beside him every night.
I know there is a bubbly blond out there for him. Not a dirty almost brown haired blonde like me. Not a girl who half the time has food on her shirt and crumbs in her hair. Not a girl with dirt under her fingernails and hands rougher than his. There is a girl like Izzie who would love to cook him dinner and put his slippers by the door when he gets off work. I am not that girl. I'm Meredith, more concerned about myself than anyone else.
Derek thinks we're happy. He fights the good fight everyday and I am kind enough to let him think that he is succeeding. He isn't. I give him little rays of hope, and yet there is none. He is in a delusion, thinking we are a blissful couple, the perfect couple even. He wants things. He wants kids and houses and rings and trust. He wants everything that I can't so. He wants all the stuff I have never had or known. He wants to marry me and carry me on his arm. He must be strong, because he can't even feel my heels digging in the earth in fear. I am leaving trenches and he drags me along like nothing. It's not that he doesn't care, he is just oblivious.
"I love you, Mer." He says softly. That is the glue that keeps me together for a short moment, and I have a feeling he knows it. Maybe he isn't as dumb as I think he is. Perhaps he pities me and he is trying to make me whole again. I am his mission. Even if it is fact, it is his suicide mission and I wonder if it makes me feel any less guilt or him more noble.
"Uh huh." I say. Some days I can get the words out, other days I cannot. Some days I feel that I can be there in that happy place. Some days I feel like I could have it all. I could be the soccer mom and a surgeon. I could have a family that adores me and I could be happy. Then reality crashes down that I am cold like my mother and incapable of love. And then of course, me saying this makes me weak and pathetic. Not to mention selfish because I'm not even really trying.
"Are you ever going to love me?" He teases. He knows in his heart that I do in my own way. But he doesn't realize how hard I am fighting everything that he wants. I wonder if he will wake up. I wonder if I will be brave and go one way or the other, telling him it is over and that he needs to move on; or telling him I love him and I want it all, really meaning it this time.
"Hmmm" I moan, my standard response, stuck in that place. "I do... Love you." I say halfheartedly. He will never know how much. Not unless I tell him. Yeah right, Meredith talk about her feelings.
He wants to get me a ring. He wants to marry me. He actually has plans of taking this nasty junkyard dog into his million dollar home and making me look like I fit in. I'm a surgeon. I'm that dog, knowing my job and focused on that. I'm not going to do well when he expects love and affection. I'm not going to do well when he gives me my plush bed, the one with the heater inside. I have weathered the storm, and I kind of like the rain on my face That's the problem, I think. Maybe I secretly like the cold Meredith Grey, Maybe I don't want to change. Maybe I will always be this way. Cold.
In a perfect world, I could tell you Meredith and Derek lived happily ever after. I could tell you that in a perfect world....
Thanks for reading!! I left it open for sequel. Unfortunately, some people don't see the light. Not everything ends happily. And sometimes, it does.