THE PRINCESS BRIDE: CONDENSED

THE slightly CONDENSED PARODY VERSION OF THE PRINCESS BRIDE (The Movie) (Sorry in advance)

Warning: If you think that The Princess Bride couldn't get any more humorous, you are so wrong.

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING, hear me, William Golding? NOTHING.

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(GRANDSON is playing video games in his bedroom when MOM walks in)

MOM: Hey, kid. Still faking it?

GRANDSON: (Hides the controls) Yep.

MOM: Okay, here's a visitor for you. Maybe he'll talk you into not skipping school.

GRANDSON: Who?

MOM: Guess.

(GRANDFATHER walks through the door and sees GRANDSON)

GRANDFATHER: HE HAS SARS!! KEEP HIM AWAY!!

(GRANDSON rolls his eyes)

GRANDFATHER: Oh well. I brought you a present.

GRANDSON: What is – (GRANDSON unwraps it, obviously disappointed) a book? Been there, done that.

GRANDFATHER: Yeah, right. Shut up and listen. I read this book to several people and to your father and your father read it to me. Now, while you're can try to contaminate me, I'll just put on my mask…

GRANDSON: Any fighting?

GRANDFATHER: Yes, and a whole lot of other fun stuff too, including how to make medicine.

GRANDSON: OOH!

GRANDFATHER: Ready? Once upon a time in the land of Florin, there lived a beautiful buttercup.

GRANDSON: All right! (sarcastically enthusiastic) A story about a flower!!

GRANDFATHER: (groans) No, you loser. That's the name of the lady.

GRANDSON: (calls) MOM! Grandpa's being verbally abusive!

GRANDFATHER: (calls, slightly mocking) MOM! My GRANDSON is driving me INSANE! Can we kill him?

GRANDSON: This is so boring. Skip to the credits. Our audience is falling asleep.

GRANDFATHER: They're supposed to do that. That way they'll be awake when I yell at you.

GRANDSON: Just read, you old man.

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GRANDFATHER (VO): Far away, in the land of Florin, a farm girl lived by herself with another guy. She was very helpless, and asked this guy to help her with all this stuff, but she was really tormenting him. She enjoyed it. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

GRANDSON (VO):Yeah. It's just great.

(BUTTERCUP pops into view, beautiful, naturally, and dirty. She runs over to the guy she lives with and lifts her nose)

BUTTERCUP: You stink – Farm boy, varnish my horse's saddle. I want to be able to hurl on it again by morning.

WESLEY: As you wish, love of my love and heart of my…

(BUTTERCUP stalks off)

WESLEY: Humph.

(BUTTERCUP comes back the next day, lugging two empty buckets with her)

BUTTERCUP: Farm boy, fill these buckets with water. (WESLEY glares at her and mimes slitting her neck and she falters) Please.

WESLEY: (face void of emotion) As you wish.

GRANDFATHER (VO): That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was –

GRANDSON (VO): That he'd kill her at the end of the book?

GRANDFATHER (VO): HAHAHAHA – no. What he meant was, "I love you."

GRANDSON (VO): (sarcastically happy) Aw, how crappy.

BUTTERCUP: (Prepares food as WESLEY comes in) Farm boy… fetch me that pitcher that is hanging so high above me? I've knocked my head five times on it now and its really starting to annoy me…

WESLEY: (Comes quite close, face still void of emotion) As… you… wish.

BUTTERCUP: CREEPY!

GRANDSON (VO): And what was even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

BUTTERCUP & WESLEY: (Break into song) I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss…

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GRANDSON: (glares at GRANDFATHER) Hold it, hold it! Is this a kissing book? (Secretly likes them)

GRANDFATHER: Keep your lederhosen on and let me read.

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GRANDFATHER (VO): Wesley had no money for marriage, so he packed up and left for sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.

GRANDSON (VO): I don't believe this!

BUTTERCUP: (starts to cry) I fear that I will never be able to torment you again.

WESLEY: Of course you will.

BUTTERCUP: (still crying) But what if someone kidnaps you?

WESLEY: Hear this now; I will always come to you to be tormented.

BUTTERCUP: (still crying) But how can you be sure?

WESLEY: This is true love. If you think this happens every day, you must be kidding me.

BUTTERCUP/WESLEY SNOG

GRANDFATHER (VO): Much to the relief of the audience, Wesley never reached his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts who never let survivors live to tell the tale. Wesley (thankfully) died a horrid and painful death. Buttercup started freaking out, so she ran into her room, slammed the door on her mother and for many years she neither slept nor ate.

GRANDSON (VO): Was she anorexic?

BUTTERCUP: I will never love again.

FIVE YEARS LATER

GRANDFATHER (VO): Five years later came the news of Prince Humperdink's bride-to-be.

GRANDSON (VO): (uncontrollably starts to laugh) Prince HUMPERDINK? What kind of a name is THAT? What kind of mother names their child 'Humperdink'? Like, seriously… was he bullied as a kid? Coz I totally understand why.

HUMPERDINK: My people! A month from now, I'm getting hitched to a girl who is not unlike your idiotic, wretched selves. Would you like to meet her?

(Silence)

HUMPERDINK: … Would… you… like… to… MEET HER??

CROWD: …… YES!

HUMPERDINK: My people… the princess… BUTT ER CUOP!

(The crowd parts, and lo and behold, it's BUTTERCUP, much to the audience's surprise...not)

BUTTERCUP: Heh… hey. (waves)

GRANDFATHER (VO): Even though she didn't love the jerk that looked like a pincushion, Humperdink had the right to force her to marry him. The only joy she found was in a daily ride.

(Sappy music comes on as BUTTERCUP gallops off from summer and into fall)

(BUTTERCUP comes to a jarring halt and almost flies off as she slows to see the three big men in front of her - INIGO, FEZZIK and VIZZINI)

VIZZINI: Yo lady, is there any pizza nearby?

BUTTERCUP: Why no, there is nothing nearby – not for miles.

VIZZINI: (obviously shocked and angry) You'll pay for that, lady! GRAB HER!

FEZZIK: (Steps forward and grabs BUTTERCUP by the neck, rendering her unconscious, then drags her on board the ship)

INIGO: What now?

VIZZINI: I'll just whip her horse, give it the scent of cheese, and when it gets back the Prince's suspicions will be totally confirmed.

INIGO: What suspicions?

VIZZINI: That the pizza monster has abducted his love. (Laughs evilly and rubs hands) When he finds her being force-fed on the Paramount Pizza frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed. (pauses) Have I said that already?

FEZZIK: You didn't say anything about feeding anyone!

VIZZINI: I hired you to start a pizza feast! It's a prestigious line of work – for the long and glorious tradition.

FEZZIK: I just don't think it's right – force feeding some innocent girl.

VIZZINI: Am I going mad or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were hired for your stomach, not your brains!!

INIGO: I agree with Fezzik.

VIZZINI: Oh, the grass has spoken! What happens to her is not your concern – (screams) Iwill feed her – And remember this – never forget this – when I found you, you were so slobbering full of chocolate, you couldn't buy POPCORN! (turns to FEZZIK angrily) And you, helpless, friendless, HOPELESS! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? UNEMPLOYED? EATING GARBAGE?!

FEZZIK: I was just saying –

VIZZINI: Shut up. This conversation is taking too long anyway. (stalks off)

INIGO: Vizzini, he can...fuss.

FEZZIK: Fuss...fuss...I think he likes to scream at us.

IINIGO: Probably he means no...harm.

FEZZIK: He's very, very short on...charm.

INIGO: You have a great gift for rhyme.

FEZZIK: Yes, yes, some of the time.

VIZZINI: (overhears FEZZIK) Enough of that!

INIGO: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

FEZZIK: If there are, we all be dead.

VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!

FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?

VAZZINI: Aauuuggghhhhh!!

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(It's night time, and the three are on the boat with BUTTERCUP)

VIZZINI: We'll get to the Paramount Pizza Frontier by dawn. (to INIGO who is staring back over his shoulder as he steers) Why do you keep doing that?

INIGO: To make sure there's nobody following us.

VIZZINI: That would be inconceivable!

BUTTERCUP: Despite what you think, you will be caught, and the prince will see you all force-fed.

VIZZINI: Of all the mouths on this boat, your highness – what you should be worrying about is your own. (glares at INIGO) STOP doing that! We can all relax!

INIGO: (Doesn't look convinced) You sure no one's following us? That's not what it says in the script… (Pulls out booklet) Yeah… no, see, it says there's that guy. Right… (Points) There. (Squints to read what the ship has on its bow) … "No… Buttercup… for… you." Signed, the "Pizza Nazi."

VIZZINI: WHAT? (Pulls out script out of his trousers) Fools… (Reads) Yes, you're right. Hey!

(Sound of Buttercup falling into the water)

FEZZIK: Man overboard!

VIZZINI: Forget her. There's always the shrieking eels. He's hoisting a flag! What does it say?

INIGO: (Squints again) Uhh… "Got you again. Love, The Man In Black."

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That's all for now peeps – hope you enjoy so far. I hopppeee you like it.