I own nothing; all credit goes to Stephanie Meyers.
This is extremely dark, you have been warned.
I stood looking out the kitchen window absentmindedly washing the same dish. My fingers were pruned, and the water was cold, but I didn't notice.
Then a gruff clearing of the throat behind me broke me from my trance and I paused waiting for the obligatory comment on dinner.
"Bella this roast is delicious, thank you."
"You're welcome Dad, I'm glad you liked it." I offered without breaking my gaze from the window.
"Are you sure you ate already? There is a lot left here."
I put the dish I had been cleaning down to start clearing the table and packing away the content of the meal.
Our refrigerator was filled to the brim with leftovers. I very obviously hadn't been eating, but Charlie didn't know how to broach the subject, I was sure.
"Of course." I answered while going about my task.
My frame had always been small, but now it was rail thin, my clothes falling off.
It had been like this since he left. 3 months 2 weeks and 6 days ago.
I really couldn't blame him for leaving; I was expecting this all along. I'm so plain and normal and well; let's face it he was anything but. I steered my thoughts away from him before they got too dark.
Charlie left to go watch T.V. and I said a quick goodnight to him before fleeing to my room. We spoke very little now, Charlie and I.
My life had become numb and empty. I left for school in the mornings, went to classes, sat alone in my truck for lunch, came home did homework and made dinner. Then I'd shower for at least an hour and then read until morning.
I avoided sleep at all costs.
My dreams were one extreme or another. I'd either have night terrors and wake up scared out of my mind, or I'd dream that he came back and I'd wake up sobbing like my heart was breaking all over again.
Charlie did get me sleeping pills after he found me several nights in a row trying to garden outside at 2 a.m. If I took a couple at once I wouldn't dream, but I tried to avoid becoming dependant on them.
So here I was sitting on my bed alternating looking out the window and searching my bookshelf for something I haven't reread in the last month.
My mind seemed to be a little destructive tonight as I took in the place where Wuthering Heights should be.
It was discarded long ago so I wouldn't unnecessarily torture myself, but it seems that was for naught.
I closed my eyes and pictured him in my mind. His unruly copper hair and topaz eyes, his marble skin and the way it felt when his icy fingers traced my face.
'Edward, oh Edward' I murmured in my mind, 'My Edward.'
Renee told me when he left, that one day I'd be okay and I wouldn't love him anymore, that the pain would stop.
My love for him would never be gone, even if his regard for me was temporary.
I was then angry at myself for dwelling on useless thoughts and angry at myself for believing his lies from the beginning.
A part of me screamed that it wasn't true, that my Edward did love me, but how could he leave me here so broken and used.
It was then I was angry at him and his perfect face and perfect mouth from which his perfect lies flowed so freely.
I wrapped my frail arms around my bony knees and rested my cheek there. Tears were inevitable at this point.
Then the sobs overtook me and I was gone, crying out for a love lost.
I knew she would be angry with me, but I'd have to make her understand. I paced the foyer of my home in Forks ringing my hands and debating what to do.
I'd been here for 2 days already and I'd only seen Bella once. By the time I recognized her she was gone.
I was looming around the Supermarket and slinking down the aisles when I saw what I thought was a young and very obviously sick girl.
Dark purple bruises were evident under her eyes like someone took purple war paint and smudged the bottom of her eyes with it. She was so tiny I thought she would break if she fell down.
The bones of her face and body jutted out very acutely and her clothes were falling off.
Lanky hair fell around her eyes hiding most of her face and she shuffled along slowly buying very few items.
I walked away and thought sadly about the girl before I put the pieces together, that was MY Bella, a woman I said to love and didn't even recognize.
Even worse was the realization that the way she looked and her obvious depression was my fault entirely.
I ran to find her, but she was gone.
I resolved to go see her that night and fix all of this, but I never did.
I loved Bella, I knew she was the one who was made for me, but I couldn't help but think her life would be better without me, thus my inner-turmoil that has lasted ever since I made the decision to leave.
I had to go see her tonight; I had to tell her everything. I couldn't live without her.
I resolved to leave very early the next morning so Charlie would be gone, I'm sure this talk would not be a quiet one. Then Bella could skip school and we would have ample time to sort this out.
Plus, I really had to figure out how to explain this mess and make her understand.
I really couldn't cry anymore, by this time the tears stopped and painful dry sobs racked my body.
This was definitely a night that I needed a couple of those sleeping pills.
I unfolded myself from the bed and went to get the pills and some water, it was only 7:20, but I had nothing else to do anyway besides dwell.
I sat back on the bed and turned the bottle over in my hand. I uncapped it and shook out 2 and took them with ease.
I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't feel control over my body. It was like my heart and mind weren't connected and my mind was too frazzled to care.
I shook out 2 more and took those.
Over the next 3 or 4 minutes I proceeded to take the entire bottle of pills.
The effect was almost instantaneous as my eyes drooped and I stretched out on the bed.
I hardly had enough energy to pull the blanket over me as I closed my eyes.
I thought about Edward's perfect face as I drifted off slowly but surly. I couldn't live without him, I loved him too much.
What I had just done was sure in my mind, but it was accepted without regret.
This had been long overdue in my mind.
One final thing swirled in my fogged brain before I was gone, a single perfect moment:
"I love you." I whispered.
"You are my life now," he stated simply.
I paced around the house until morning.
I watched the clock for over an hour chomping at the bit and waiting for the time Charlie would be out of the house and Bella would be getting ready to leave as well.
Then I decided I couldn't wait any longer and I flew out the front door.
I was going to get her and fix all this. 'My love, my Bella.' I smiled.
I watched the cruiser pull away and down the road. I counted to 30 in my head before heading toward the door.
Honestly I didn't know if I should knock, I felt ridiculous. I decided to go in though the living room window instead.
I crept around the house, listening for Bella and the sure sounds of her preparing for her day. I heard none.
I got to her bedroom door and pressed my palm against the door. I then pressed my ear to the door and heard silence.
Her truck was in the driveway, I was sure of this.
My hand was on the doorknob and I slowly turned it trying to make as little noise as possible.
I poked my head in and saw Bella lying asleep on her bed.
I went to go sit next to her and wake her up when I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized something big was missing.
Comprehension washed over me as I took in the scene, I saw the pill bottle and I rushed over to my poor sweet angel.
Her face, even with lack of sleep and food was perfection; her lips were turned up in a smile.
Her face was ashen and cold to the touch.
The pain I had previously felt when separated from Bella was nothing compared to this.
My unbeating heart exploded, millions of rocks pooled in my stomach and my head pounded.
I collapsed to the floor.
I couldn't think, I couldn't see, I couldn't move.
I knew it was too late for my venom to even save her with damnation.
I was shaken out of my pain when I realized I was crying. Venomous tears leaked in earnest out of my eyes.
I pulled myself onto the bed and took Bella in my arms. I buried my face in her cold neck and uttered nonsense to her cold form.
I told her everything, I apologized, I told her how much I loved her and when I was exhausted I just laid there despondent and utterly broken.
My indecision caused this. The fact that I couldn't make up my mind on whether or not Bella was better off without me caused all of this.
In the end, she decided she couldn't.
I tried to save her only to be the death of her.
And she died thinking I didn't love her.
"I love you, I love you, I love you." I whispered repeatedly as I sobbed.
"I can't live without you."
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