I wanted to hate her so bad. To be mad at her. Anything would be better than what I was feeling now. Confussion is the closest word to what I was feeling, but I was really a big salad of emotion. I may have looked calm on the outside, but inside, I was a mess.
Seeing her with Xander, it was to much to bear. The pain was driving me crazy. It hurt everytime I thought about it. I had spent all night unwillingly torturing myself, replaying that moment in my head. I didn't want to see it, seeing my beautiful Willow kissing someone else had been too much to bear the first time, but my head hadn't let the torture stop.
I also felt incredibly guilty. What had I done to make her turn to Xander like that? Was it all my fault? It washed over me in waves, telling me that I deserved the pain, that I had in some way miss treated her. It told me that it was all my fault, that I had some how forced her to do what she did, that my Willow was too good and too kind to ever do something like that of her own will. It whispered suducingly in my ear telling me that all my fears about being a bad boyfriend and a bad person were true, that I didn't deserve the love of someone like Willow, or the friendsihp of Buffy, Xander, Cordelia, Angel and Giles.
Through everything else, one emotion was shining. Everything else paled in comparison to the love I still felt for Willow. I couldn't look at her, think of her, without feeling a love so strong that it hurt. Everything I did reminded me of her. I tried to play guitar to calm down, but everytime I played a song I remembered the shows that I had played when I had played for her. I was still playing for her. When I read hte assigned reading for class, I thought of Willow, and how smart she was.
And now I was walking in to the school, knowing that I would have to face her, see her, at some point today. I would try and talk to her, find out what happened, learn what I had done to make her do what she had done. She was walking up to me now, and she looked so sad. "Can we talk about it?"
I wanted to say yes so badly, but instead I said "I just need time ok. To work out what I'm feeling."