Just one note before we plow on to the story: this fic is a PARODY. It is intended for mature audiences who understand and appreciate sarcasm. Please do not take this seriously or personally. We've rated this story M because we really want you all to understand that this is for a truly mature audience and isn't for everyone. Thanks for reading!
Meet Bella Swan. Bella is a socially awkward geek who is secretly beautiful but no one would know it because she is always hiding her nose in a book. What book you ask? Wuthering Heights, of course! It is apparently the only book she owns.
Other than reading, Bella likes to wear the color blue. It makes appear rather like a blueberry at times, but it doesn't faze her because the color apparently looks very good on her pale, ghostly skin. And everyone knows that once a girl gets a fleeting compliment while wearing one color, she is destined to wear that color and only that color for the rest of her life. That's just how it works.
Let us begin our tragically original story by prefacing Bella's current situation. She lives with her two BFFs, Alice and Rosalie (who will be henceforth called Rose), in a ridiculously large apartment that they can afford even though they apparently have no jobs and go on exorbitant shopping trips every weekend. Bella and her two best friends are still in college, but don't worry, we won't bore you by ever having them go to class. What's the fun in that after all? No, in fact, reader, we won't even be mentioning that Bella, Rose and Alice have homework because an accurate portrayal of college life is not what you came here for! We'll forget about that sort of thing the moment we delve into our tragically original plot anyway.
What is our tragically original plot, you wonder? Well, reader, let me assure you, it's full of witty twists and turns that you have read time and again but never quite like this. That's where the tragically original part comes in because you see, we've decided to simply re-arrange all those twists and turns and call it new. Wonderful idea, we know.
Now let us begin.
It was Bella's first day of classes today. If you recall correctly, reader, Bella is the socially awkward type so she didn't really care much about what she was going to wear for her first day of school, but have no fear! We're going to describe it in great detail for you anyway.
She was wearing some jeans that really hugged her figure in all the right places, whatever that's supposed to mean. She also pulled on a vibrantly blue t-shirt that really showed off her assets. We're not sure why a socially awkward girl would wear clothes like these, but that's how it seems to go. She also, of course, had her hair perfectly curled around her shoulders and had on a few layers of make-up.
Bella's father had given her a very old truck that we can really only describe as big, red and rusty. It was also very loud. It was in this truck that Bella drove to school in for her big first day at class.
When she pulled into the parking lot, Bella was immediately noticed by every hot guy in the vicinity. You know the kind of greeting you always wanted when you walked into a place? The kind where all the best-looking guys melt at your feet and all the popular girls want you to be their friend? Yeah, that's the greeting Bella got because, of course...she was secretly beautiful although tragically, socially awkward.
One of these super-attractive boys that immediately fell in love with Bella was Edward Cullen. Edward was captain of pretty much every sports team Seattle University had. Football. Baseball. Hockey. Tennis. Basketball. Yeah, that's how he rolled.
When Edward first saw Bella, he just knew she was the girl for him. It wasn't just him lusting after her apparently perfect body and flawless wit. It was real, true love. Because of this love, Edward immediately decided to introduce himself because he knew that Bella would swoon at his devastatingly handsome smile and dazzling green eyes. Heck, Edward swooned at himself every time he caught his reflection.
"Hello, I'm Edward," he introduced himself with one of his trademark lopsided grins. The grin was supposed to make her go weak at the knees, but instead Bella looked rather put out.
"Another one?" she muttered to herself in disgust. You see, reader, instead of being thankful that all these hot boys were throwing themselves at her, Bella was very upset. She didn't want the attention. At all. It was all very frustrating to her that she couldn't even get to her first class without being asked on a date. So, as you can probably deduce, Bella hated Edward Cullen on principle. He was disturbing her peace; invading her bubble.
Bella walked into the building, knowing she just had to get herself out of the spotlight, and she had to get him off her mind.
She was so busy hating that haughty, arrogant, no-good, athlete of all things known that she totally didn't notice two, tall stick figures in front of her. Because she is Bella Swan, and honestly can't go one day without tripping, falling down or running into something, she barrels into the stick figures and dramatically falls to the ground. Absolutely horrified and blushing like a red rose first blooming, Bella looked up to find two blondes staring down at her, their mouths hanging open in absolute shock that this awkward brunette just smacked into them hard enough that their hair was slightly mussed from the sudden contact. This was absolutely unacceptable because, you see, these two blonde sticks were the queen bees of the sorority circle, Jessica and Lauren. Pretty much every guy at the university had slept with one or both of them. Including Edward Cullen, because as you've probably assumed on top of being haughty, arrogant, no-good, and an athlete of all things known, Edward Cullen was also a man-whore. Of course.
Anyway, back to our story. After Bella ran into Lauren and Jessica, she muttered a quick apology which was met by indignant, very high-pitched scoffs.
"How dare you run into us!" Lauren screeched loudly and everyone in the vicinity looked at them.
"Yeah, don't you know who we are?" Jessica added with a well-placed sneer.
Before Bella could respond with another mumbled apology however, who should interrupt this little scene but Edward Cullen. Remember him? Haughty man-whore who Bella hates on principle? Oh good, you have a decent memory.
"Now, now, ladies, why don't you leave our pretty new girl alone?" Edward said with his trademark crooked grin.
Lauren and Jessica both swooned simultaneously and sighed.
"Okay, Edward, whatever you say," one of the blondes cooed. Bella rolled her eyes in disgust. She didn't understand the full extent of Edward Cullen's dazzling skills yet.
But don't worry, she will learn. Soon. Probably sooner than you think. But for the sake of drama and tension we're going to stretch it out, because this is our parody and we can get away with it.
But let's get back to the awkward, stick chicks and man-whore. Clearly, Edward had a way with the ladies. Except with Bella because she was different. Jessica and Lauren both sent Edward a flirtatious wink and turned away, leaving Bella alone with the one man she hated above all others.
Bella then realized she was still on the ground, and she scowled when Edward offered his hand to help her up. Because he plays every sport ever invented, he was really strong and pulling her up was like pulling up...air.
"You really shouldn't fall down unless I am there to catch you," Edward said as his eyes and smile tried to start dazzling the wits right out of her. Because we're telling you, he's really good at this. A few girls who were standing nearby actually fainted from being dazzled so thoroughly.
Sadly, Bella was immune to Edward's dazzling skills so far. She was far to busy glaring out of pure spite at him to nice the way his beautiful green eyes sparkled in the sun or the way his perfectly sculpted chest was defined by his conveniently tight shirt.
"I'll try to make it a point to make sure you're around when I embarrass myself from now on then," Bella all but snarled her perfectly formulated response at Edward.
"That's all I ask," was Edward's overly charming response. Have we mentioned that he oozed charm and dazzle from every pore recently? Oh, we have? Well, it doesn't hurt to reiterate it occasionally, just in case it slips your mind.
As soon as Edward spoke these overly charming words, however, Bella turned smartly on her heel and stomped away. Conveniently, she doesn't trip as she's making her get-away because you know…that would be rather anti-climactic. No, reader, instead of tripping again, Bella made it safely to class with no more assistance from the dazzling and smitten Edward Cullen.
We must leave Bella as she enters the classroom, however, because as we told you before, dearest reader, we aren't going to bore you with any realistic details of a college student's life. Our tragically original plot will only record the details that are related to what will become the highly interesting and rich love life of one Bella Swan.
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