Warning: OC, silly, short, and a total crackfic. But don't let that stop you…
"Why am I doing this?" I muttered as Emmett dragged me over to the couch - I could see it was much more of a struggle for him to be gentle enough to not break my arm; more so than the rest of the Cullens'. He gave me a gentle push that sent me crash landing on to the couch, sprawled out and shocked.
"…Oops," he muttered, turning away and injecting the DVD into the living room DVD player, turning the TV on. The rest of the Cullens' had gone out hunting already, leaving Emmett to "Bellasit" me.
"This is show is stupid!" I scowled, crossing my arms after straightening myself out some, glowering at him and the wide screen plasma television.
"Have you ever even watched it?" he shot at me, plopping down in on the cushion next to mine, an eager smile on his face.
"Well…no," I admitted. "But from what I can see from commercials, it looks stupid."
Emmett chuckled. "It is if you have a stick up your ass, no sense of humor, and your name is Edward Cullen."
"Hey!" I shouted, smacking his arm hard, which only made mine sting as he roared with laughter. "Take that back! Edward so has a sense of humor!"
He shrugged, still smirking. "Whatever. Though your opinions on him might change after...Well...just watch this."
"I'm going down to South Park, going to have myself a time…'Friendly faces everywhere. Humble folks without temptation!'…Going down to South Park, going to leave my woes behind…'Ample parking day or night, people spouting Howdy neighbor!'…"
3 hours later…
"Oh…oh…oh my god!" I yelled, clutching my sides as I nearly fell off the couch laughing, tears in my eyes. "This is too…too effin good!" I burst out in laughter again at one of Cartman's mean comments.
"I know, right!?" screamed Emmett, laughing hard too. He'd already broken one of the arms of the couch from pounding on it.
"OH, OH, OH, quiet, this is what I wanted to show you!" he said excitedly, settling himself on the edge of the couch as he smiled excitedly. I did too, prepared for a good laugh.
"…And make us feel sick to our stomachs. I am talking, of course, about Ginger Kids. Ah, sick! Gross! Ginger Kids are born with a disease that causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. Ah nasty, yuck! This disease is called, 'Gingervitis'. And it occurs because Ginger Kids have no soul!"
I laughed a little nervously as I watched. "Haha…at least Edward doesn't have freckles…"
"Keep watching," Emmett said gravely. "This is really what I wanted you to see all along. I thought that you should know the truth…"
"Because their skin is so light, Ginger Kids must avoid the sun…not unlike, vampires!"
"Oh my god…" I whispered. "But…but…no freckles!" I whimpered, barely even aware of Emmett's presence anymore.
"I was getting to that, if you will let me," Cartman said, annoyed. "Some people have red hair, but not freckles. These people are called, daywalkers."
"Emmett…" I whispered. "Tell me he isn't…"
"I'm sorry," Emmett murmured. "I…wasn't sure how to tell you. I thought this was the only way. It's true; Edward is a vampire with no soul."
I swallowed thickly and hung my head. "I…I didn't want to believe…" I whispered.
"Hey guys," said a familiar voice behind me, and I gasped. "What have you two been up to?"
I turned around to greet the face of the man I thought I knew so well. But his face would never look the same way to me again. Not now that I knew the truth.
Emmett and I exchanged long glances before finally looking back at Edward. Or should I say…
"DAYWALKER!!" we both screamed, and jumped up and ran away.
"In conclusion, I will leave you with this. If you think that the Ginger problem is not a serious one…"
Edward was confused as he stood there behind the couch, as his love and his step-brother ran from him in fear.
He turned, and it was there that he was met with the truth: a mirror. It was as if he were truly seeing himself for the first time, and he raised a shaking hand to his cursed red hair, his eyes widening. "No…" he whispered. "It can't be…I can't be a…a…"
I'm so tired. I thought it was funny, but who knows? I don't own South Park, or Twilight either. Wish I did, but I don't.
- The Romanticidal Edwardian