A/N: Warning: The humor in this story is raunchy and ridiculous. It is meant to be a comedy, and by comedy, I don't mean one of those pseudo comedies with a couple of funny lines inserted into what would otherwise be considered a drama. This is full out, hardcore comedy. Humor is, of course, subjective, so I can't guarantee you will think it's funny. I am writing this story because it amuses me, and it makes me happy that there are at least a few other people out there that it amuses as well.
I have twisted and exploited the characters for my own silly purposes. If Hermione not being perfect or not being a blushing virgin upsets you, do not read this. It's not for you. If you're looking for something realistic, plot heavy, angsty or an exact copy of what JKR wrote, you're in the wrong place. Lucky for you, there are plenty of those kinds of stories out there. They're not that hard to find.
This is something different. It's not for everyone. There are way too many bad words, some of the situations are probably going to make you squirm from embarrassment, and it's doubtful you're going to approve of all of my pairings. It's pure chaos. But it was written all in good fun. So, if you think you're up for it, give my story a try. It starts off tame, but trust me, you're in for one hell of a roller coaster ride. Of course, you should keep in mind that this story is a WIP, so there is no telling how long the ride will be or where you will end up when it's over. Happy reading. ;)
Hermione felt someone behind her gently start kissing the back of her neck. She could feel his warm breath on her skin, and it made her shiver in anticipation. She closed her eyes and turned around wrapping her arms around his neck. His lips touched hers, and it was magic. It started with an innocent peck which was anything but and slowly built into an all out satisfying, weak in the knees kiss that made her melt into him. Viktor was a good kisser, but it had never felt like this before. His lips were so soft, gentle yet demanding. She felt as though she could kiss him forever and be completely happy in his arms. This feeling was so new to her. She couldn't quite put it into words. Could she finally be falling in love? Could he be the one?
"Oh Vik …" she began but as she opened her eyes, she said, "Malfoy? Malfoy! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Hermione suddenly sat up in bed screaming. She had been having such a lovely dream, and it had to be him. She would have rather it had been Ron or Harry or even Neville, anyone but him. She threw herself back on the bed and lay there slightly panting, trying to recover from her nightmare. Hermione had been having a lot of nightmares lately, ever since that night, but they were usually about Death Eaters invading the castle, the Dark Mark floating in the sky, Dumbledore lying dead beneath the Astronomy Tower. Never anything remotely like this. This was unthinkable. Malfoy? She shuddered just thinking about it.
Hermione decided to get up and get dressed. The sun was already up, and there was no point trying to go back to sleep, not after that dream. She had been enjoying it! Yuck! Hermione shook the unpleasant and thoroughly disgusting thought from her head, at least she told herself it was unpleasant and disgusting. She walked into the kitchen, grabbed an apple and headed outside.
It had been exactly one month since Dumbledore's funeral. Hermione was having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of it all. She still couldn't believe Dumbledore was really dead. And she couldn't stop blaming herself. If only …
Hermione sat outside her parents' house underneath her favorite oak tree with an enormous book on her lap, Standard Book of Spells: Grade 7 and let out a big sigh. She was trying to get a head start on her studies for the year, not that she even knew if she was going back to Hogwarts or not. There were the horcruxes to think about after all. Harry had not yet decided what he wanted to do. Hermione knew that whatever his decision was, she would stick by him. Of course, she secretly hoped they would return to school. She felt they could go to school and search for horcruxes. Then they would have the library for research. Oh, how she missed that library. And there was something about Hogwarts that just made her feel safe. Not that it proved to be all that safe last year when the Death Eaters invaded the castle. And now with Dumbledore gone, she just didn't know anymore.
Ever since she had returned home for the summer, she had been trying to think of something, anything that could get them out of the mess they were in. She wanted so desperately to help Harry destroy the horcruxes and defeat Voldemort. She had had a terrible headache ever since she got home perhaps because of everything on her mind and the fact that she was having trouble sleeping at night. It seemed every time she closed her eyes (well except this last time), she went back to that night. It pained her to think about it, but she couldn't stop herself. If only she had listened to Harry. Maybe their beloved professor wouldn't be dead.
Harry had warned them that Malfoy was up to something, but Hermione just couldn't bring herself to believe it. Sure Malfoy was an arrogant git who thought he was better than everyone else because of his name and money, not to mention the fact that he was a pureblood. And there's no denying he picked on the other students (especially her, Ron and Harry) with help from his thickheaded bodyguards Crabbe and Goyle. He was definitely no saint. She didn't know why she had defended him. There wasn't a moment that went by that he didn't let her know about the disgust he felt for her, and he had called her mudblood more times than she could count. But a murderer? A Death Eater? She found the whole notion ridiculous. Why?
Malfoy had certainly let it be known that he hated muggles and especially mudbloods. Hadn't he even wished her dead when the Chamber of Secrets was opened? Hermione sighed again. She was just too trusting. She had trusted Snape too. And that thought made her sick. Snape had actually killed Dumbledore, and he was a teacher! Not that the mere fact of being a teacher meant that much now that she thought about it. Look at Quirrell and Moody (well really Barty Crouch Jr.) and Umbridge. She shuddered just thinking about them. They were all evil. Malfoy was evil.
Hermione was suddenly startled from her thoughts when she heard a soft crack behind her. Without a thought, she jumped to her feet and raised her wand to the intruder.
"Well, well, well. Very good Hermione. Nice reflexes," said a tired, slightly shabby looking man as he stepped out from behind the tree.
"Professor Lupin!" cried Hermione as she rushed into his arms.
Remus Lupin laughed. "It's good to see you too, Hermione. Although I'm not really your professor anymore. You can call me Remus you know. I think we have been through enough together to be on a first name basis."
Hermione saw a slight look of sadness creep into his eyes at that last comment. They certainly had been through a lot together. And not all of it good. "Sorry Remus. Old habit I guess. Of course, even though it was for only one year, you've been more of a professor to me than some."
"Yes, I don't think I will be reprimanding any of you for not giving Snape the respectful title of professor any time soon," replied Lupin ruefully.
"I still can't believe he did it," murmured Hermione looking down sadly.
"Snape was never a friend of course, what with our history and all, but I really thought he was on our side. Dumbledore believed him and that was good enough for me. It's a shame really. He was a good spy. Too good I guess. At least Dumbledore was right about Malfoy. He's not like his father after all."
"What do you mean?" asked Hermione somewhat heatedly. He's just like his father. He's a bloody Death Eater," she spat.
"But he didn't kill Dumbledore," said Lupin quietly.
"He might as well have. It was his plan after all. His stupid plan with that stupid vanishing cabinet and his stupid Hand of Glory. He let the Death Eaters into the castle. He disarmed Dumbledore. He wrote his death sentence," said Hermione beginning to raise her voice.
"But he didn't kill him. Voldemort gave him the order personally to kill Dumbledore. Voldemort threatened his life and the life of his family and yet he didn't do it. He didn't do it, Hermione."
"I know," said Hermione rather reluctantly. "But he's still a git."
"That he is, Hermione," laughed Lupin. Then he asked more seriously, "How are you doing?"
"Not bad considering. I'm not sleeping very well with the nightmares and all, so I've had a headache for ages now. I guess the worst of it is that I feel so useless. I need to be doing something. Anything."
Lupin smiled. "That's what I came about actually. I was hoping you could help us with something. This would be your first official assignment as a member of the Order of Phoenix."
"Are you serious, Remus!" Hermione squealed. "I can really be an Order member?"
"Well, It's not like we can stop you three from getting into trouble anyway. You're involved in this whole war whether we like it or not. You've had more adventures than many of our Order members. We know you can handle yourselves, and we don't want you to fight this war alone when we can win it together."
Hermione was ecstatic. She really hadn't thought the Order would let in three teenagers who hadn't even finished school yet, despite everything they had accomplished. "Thanks, Remus. That really means a lot. So, what's the assignment anyway? Are Harry and Ron helping too?"
"Well, let's just say this assignment isn't really their cup of tea," said Lupin smiling. "Besides, Harry's at the Dursley's this summer on Dumbledore's orders and Ron's busy at the Burrow helping get ready for the wedding."
"Oh," said Hermione with a hint of disappointment in her voice. "This has to do with research doesn't it?" She loved books and all, but she was hoping for a little bit more of an exciting assignment.
Lupin laughed. "Hermione Granger disappointed about being asked to read books? Now I really do believe the world is ending."
"I'm sorry. Of course I'd love to help with research. It's just that I can do more too. Sometimes I think people only see me as some hopeless bookworm, and I'm more than that," said Hermione a little sheepishly.
"I know that Hermione. And actually this assignment has nothing to do with research."
"It doesn't?" asked Hermione incredulously. "That's wonderful! I was really hoping to do something more challenging, something more hands-on."
"Well," began Lupin. "It certainly will be challenging, but let's hope it's not too hands-on. How do you feel about babysitting?"
Hermione stared at him in disbelief. She was a little more than perplexed by the question. Babysitting! That's the big thing they wanted her to do. She was slightly offended by the idea. Of course, she had babysat before. She was good with kids. But this was even a step down from research. Next to babysitting, research seemed positively thrilling. Research was at least a contribution. It was important. It could make a real difference in the outcome of the war. What, did they expect her to watch Order members' kids while they went out on secret missions, while they did the real work? It was preposterous. They were treating her like she was some teenager. Well, she was a teenager, but she was also a witch, the smartest witch in her year, and she had proven herself! She was Hermione Granger, and she could handle a lot more than babysitting!
"Now Hermione. Don't look at me like that. It's not what you think. This isn't any ordinary babysitting job. In fact, this will be a most difficult task. One that Harry and Ron certainly could not handle. It will take all of your patience, some kindness, a good deal of restraint and probably a few good hexes wouldn't hurt," said Lupin seriously yet with a hint of a smile.
Hermione was definitely intrigued now. This was something Remus felt she could handle but Harry and Ron couldn't. She had to admit this did a lot for her ego. She often felt like people (especially Harry and Ron) saw her as just some human encyclopedia. She was really flattered that Remus considered her for this job. It sounded really challenging, and she got to use magic! Hermione couldn't wait to get started. "Who will I be babysitting?"
"Here's the thing Hermione. Babysitting is perhaps too nice of word for this assignment. In fact, I've had a really hard time convincing anyone to take it. I don't expect it will be pleasant, especially for you of all people. I've been taking care of this myself so far, but with the full moon coming and all, I really need to find someone else. Plus, I have other business I need to handle for the Order. I really hate to ask this of you, but frankly, you're my last resort. Hermione, I don't know how to say this other than just to say it," said Lupin not looking her in the eye.
"Well, say it then," said Hermione starting to feel a little nervous. Remus appeared to be very uncomfortable. "I'll help the Order in any way I can. I'm not expecting it to be fun. Who is it?"
"It's Malfoy," said Lupin.
"I see," said Hermione quietly, not certain whether to scream, cry or laugh hysterically. Hermione suddenly realized that her headache was just beginning and likely to turn into a real pain in the ass.