A/N: Hello? Anyone still there? Or did you all die of old age waiting for me to update this story. It's been pointed out to me (numerous times) that it has been a whole year since I last updated. Sorry! I don't know where the time went. I've written some one shots (one of which has been nominated at the HP Fanfic Fan Poll Awards!), been working on another multi chapter and just been trying to survive real life. That's pretty much it. I am not giving up on this story, but I can't promise regular updates either. I do have a goal finish date though. We'll see if it happens. Cross your fingers for me. I think there are only four chapter left now. So, at least we're finally getting somewhere! Last chapter: Malfoy was screaming. This chapter: Malfoy is still screaming. :)
"Malfoy, don't move!"
"Aaaahhh! Oof! Aahhhhhhhhhhhh!"
"You idiot! I tell you not to move, and you move. That is so typical of you."
"Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhh! Aaahhhhhhh!"
"I mean, would it kill you to listen to me one time? Because, apparently, it can kill you not to."
"Relationships are about communication. We need to listen to one another, or this is never going to work out."
"Malfoy, would you shut up? I am trying to talk to you."
Malfoy stopped mid-scream and scowled at her. "You are the worst fucking girlfriend in the history of the Wizarding World!"
"I am not! I... Wait. You really think of me as your girlfriend?" Hermione asked, her eyes going wide.
"Oh, right," Hermione replied, trying to pull herself together. "Now, where was I?"
"If the answer to that question isn't saving my life, we are breaking up!" Malfoy fumed.
Hermione pursed her lips in indignation. "If you weren't such a moron, I wouldn't have to save you. And I should be the one breaking up with you! This is all your fault, Malfoy. You and your stupid power trip are completely responsible for the situation we're in now," she accused. "I told you we shouldn't follow the path. But no. You wouldn't listen to me. You never listen to me. I knew this was going to happen. I frigging told you so!"
"You told me so! Really? Because I don't seem to remember you mentioning a giant fucking spider! I'm pretty sure I would have remembered that!" yelled Malfoy, struggling to free himself from the enormous web that he was now caught in.
"It's an Acromantula, actually," Hermione corrected calmly as if they were in class, and there wasn't a monstrous eight-legged creature, hovering high above them about to eat Malfoy for lunch.
"What!" Malfoy snapped, stopping his struggle in the web to stare at her in disbelief.
"It's an Acromantula. A wizard-bred..."
"I don't care what the fuck it is," Malfoy yelled. "Kill it!"
"I'm trying to think of a spell–"
"Just Avada it!"
"That's an Unforgivable!" Hermione exclaimed. "I can't do that!"
"It's a fucking spider!"
"It's a magical creature. I'm not doing it," Hermione stated firmly, not willing to budge on the matter.
When Malfoy realized she was seriously not going to kill it, he immediately started screaming again. "Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"
"Oh, that's real mature," huffed Hermione, crossing her arms over her chest.
"If you're going to be my... boyfriend," she said, stumbling slightly over the word, "you're going to have to accept that you are not always going to get your way."
"I mean, Acromantulas are practically an endangered species. It's not like I can just kill it, and there won't be any repercussions."
"It could effect the whole balance of nature."
"If this relationship is going to work out, you're going to have to realize that some of the time, well, most of the time really, I am going to be right."
"And screaming and throwing tantrums because you're not getting your way is just childish. And annoying."
Malfoy stopped screaming but only so he could scowl at her. "Oh, I'm sorry," he spat out sarcastically. "Is my impending death bothering you?"
"Yes. As a matter of fact it is. I am trying to think of a spell that is appropriate for the situation, so that I can save your sorry ass, and YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT!"
"You're stressing out?" Malfoy snapped. "A fucking spider is about to eat me! And if you say Acromantula again, I swear I'm going to–"
Hermione cut him off with her own piercing scream. "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
"Now who's being childish and annoying?" he asked pointedly.
Hermione pointed up at the monstrous creature, now making its way toward Malfoy, and answered him with another, "Aaaaahhhhhhh!"
Looking up, Malfoy's immediate reply was, "Aaaaahhhhhhh!"
Hermione's response back was pretty much the same. "Aaaaahhhhh!"
The conversation continued on in that way for a while until Malfoy finally yelled, "Just cast a fucking spell!"
Finally snapping out of it, Hermione determinedly pointed her wand and shouted, "Confundus!"
Malfoy looked at Hermione in confusion for a moment and then he finally barked out, "Confundus? Of all the fucking spells, you go with Confundus!"
"That is a perfectly good spell," Hermione huffed defensively.
"Maybe if I was trying out for Quidditch," Malfoy replied sarcastically, giving her a knowing look.
Hermione glared at him. "Well, it's not eating you, is it?"
"No, but now it looks like its hungry for something else. Like it wants to spread its eight legs and have wild jungle sex with me. I can see the lust in its eyes."
Hermione bit back a smile. "I don't know. Those four eyes over there might be lurf."
Malfoy scowled. "If making me this spider's bitch is your brilliant idea of saving me–"
"Oh, it won't save you," Hermione answered matter-of-factly. "Females almost always kill the male after mating. Usually by eating them."
"So, what you're saying is that I'm in the exact same predicament as before except that now there's a possibility of me getting off first. If I was into having kinky spider sex, WHICH I AM NOT!"
"If by getting off, you mean your 'you know what' getting ripped off during reproduction, then yes."
Malfoy looked down at his favorite appendage and then up at the creature hovering not so far above him. Needless to say, he completely freaked out. Some people just preferred not to be sexually informed.
"Malfoy, I don't think it's a good idea to thrash around like that," Hermione cautioned.
Either Malfoy couldn't hear her over his screams, or once again, he wasn't listening to her. He continued to flail about uselessly, and the vibrations he was inadvertently making on the web seemed to be exciting the beast.
"Stop moving!" Hermione hissed. "It thinks you are engaging in a mating ritual."
"Don't make me have to say I told you so again."
"IFTHATFUCKINGSPIDERRIPSMYDIC KOFFBECAUSEYOUCAN'TFUCKINGUSEANAVADAONAFUCKING SPIDERLIKEANORMALPERSON,THESEXUALTENSIONBETWEENUSISN EVERGOINGTOBERESOLVEDANDYOUA REGOINGTOREGRETMISSINGOUTONT HEBESTFUCKOFYOURLIFE,ANDTHENIAMGOINGTOTELLYOUIFUC KINGTOLDYOUSO!"
Hermione gave Malfoy a look of pity. Apparently he was so scared he could only speak incoherent gibberish now. "What?"
"Oh, right. Let's see. I could... no. That's not good. There's always–"
"Just cast a fucking spell already!"
Hermione glared, but nevertheless, shouted the first spiderish-sounding spell that popped into her head. "Tarantallegra!"
The monstrous creature's eight legs immediately started dancing uncontrollably, violently shaking the web and Malfoy along with it.
"Are you trying to get me killed!" Malfoy shouted.
"No. I am trying to save you, and you are an ungrateful git!" Hermione exclaimed angrily.
"If this is how you save people, I think I'd rather die. Maybe next time you think about saving me you should just kill me instead and put me out of my fucking misery!"
"Don't tempt me!"
"Oh, don't start that again, you big baby. Finite Incantatem," said Hermione, pointing her wand at the flailing beast in order to stop the dance of death and save Malfoy from getting trampled. He was so high maintenance. Her spell apparently canceled out more than just the one spell as the monstrous creature suddenly began to shrink until it was about half the size of a galleon. Hermione looked at the tiny eight-legged creature in disappointment. After all the drama, it ended up being rather anti-climatic. She finally said, "Huh. I guess it was just a spider after all."
"Ha! I told you so!" exclaimed Malfoy triumphantly. "So much for being the smartest fucking witch of your age." Unfortunately, his triumph didn't last very long because as soon as the little spider started moving toward him, his shrill scream returned. "Aaaaaahhh!"
"What's the matter, Malfoy?" asked Hermione, obviously amused. "It's just a little spider."
As the spider got closer, Malfoy started blowing furiously to keep it from crawling on his face. "I hate fucking spiders! Get it off me! Get it off me!"
"You sound like Ron." Hermione laughed, but never the less, vanished the spider.
"That's it! This date is over!"
"I think you are being a little over-dramatic."
"You almost let a spider molest me to death, and even worse, you compared me to Weasel," Malfoy fumed.
"If you would have listened to me in the first place and not insisted staying on the path, none of this would have even happened," Hermione retorted.
"No. Something else horrible would have happened. We probably would have been eaten by tulips or something equally degrading. Those Weasley twins are a menace."
"Well, I'm not going to argue with that."
"That would be a first," Malfoy grumbled.
Hermione glared. "It takes two to argue, you know."
"It also takes two to have sex, but we haven't done that yet, have we?"
"And who says we're going to?" Hermione snapped.
"Come on," said Malfoy, rolling his eyes. "I think we both know we're going to. Eventually."
"I don't know any such thing," Hermione replied haughtily.
Malfoy eyed her up and down, carefully appraising her until she began to squirm under his intense gaze. He finally smirked. "You want to have sex with me right now, don't you?"
"No!" she quickly exclaimed.
"Just admit it. You're completely turned on by all of this," said Malfoy, nodding at the web he was still trapped in.
"I... Oh, alright," Hermione admitted. "I am a little. But only because of the diadem. And you're so cute when you're helpless."
"I'm not helpless!"
Hermione arched her eyebrow. "So, you're saying you don't need my help?"
"No, I don't. I'm just as clever as you are. I could easily get out of this stupid web all by myself if I had to," insisted Malfoy.
Hermione crossed her arms across her chest. "Aright, let's see it then."
"Let's see you get out of the web. Without my help."
"And deprive you of your incessant need to save people?"
"I don't have a 'saving people' complex; that's Harry. I'm perfectly okay with leaving you here to the mercy of the Weasley twins."
Malfoy scowled. "You wouldn't dare."
"Wouldn't I?" She smirked back.
"Just get me out of this," Malfoy growled, struggling in the web.
"I would be happy to. If you admit that you need my help."
"Then you admit that you want me," countered Malfoy.
"I already admitted–"
"No, you didn't," Malfoy interrupted. "You blamed it on the diadem. Again."
"That's because the diadem–"
"I hate that fucking thing," Malfoy snapped, scowling at it. "I can't wait until it's destroyed."
Hermione looked at him in surprise. "But why? Don't you like me lusting after you?"
"Of course I do, but I'm tired of you using it as an excuse. And I'm really tired of having to compete with paintings and fucking Weasleys," he said bitterly. "I'm ready to be the only one you lust after."
"But how can you be so sure that I'll still lust after you without an evil horny Horcrux stuck on my head? Maybe I'll just want to be friends. Or acquaintances."
"Please," said Malfoy, as though the thought of her finding him anything less than desirable was completely ridiculous. "Of course you'll still lust after me. I'm not known as the Slytherin sex god for nothing."
Hermione looked at him somewhat skeptically. "Are all those rumors really true?"
Malfoy smirked sexily at her. "They're true enough."
Drawing in her breath sharply, Hermione couldn't help saying, "Merlin help me, but I want you so badly right now."
"So, what's stopping you? I'm not go anywhere," said Malfoy, wiggling in the web to prove his point.
"I'll say you're not." Hermione smirked back, a predatory glint in her eyes. She had the sudden urge to dominate him until he was screaming himself silly again, but quickly shaking the untoward feeling off, she said quite practically, "But it is hardly the right time for that kind of thing."
"It's always the right time for that kind of thing," Malfoy insisted.
"We're in the middle of a war," Hermione pointed out.
"So, the Weasley twins can wait."
"I meant the war with Voldemort."
"Oh," said Malfoy, his expression turning serious. "Well, way to kill the mood, Granger."
"Sorry, but it really is the wrong time."
"But when is it ever going to be the right time?" Malfoy asked, the exasperation clear in his voice. "When the war is over? When your friends accept us? When my parents accept us?"
"I thought you said you would wait until I was ready."
"Yes, but not forever."
"Well, how about waiting long enough to get through the first date at least," she snapped.
"Look," began Malfoy with a sigh, "I want you. I'm not going to be sorry about that."
Not sure how to respond to that, Hermione said a little awkwardly, "Just so you know that I'm not easy. Without the diadem, I mean."
Malfoy snorted. "I am very aware that nothing about you is easy. You somehow manage to complicate everything."
"I do not," Hermione huffed, ready to argue to the death.
"Then kiss me," said Malfoy, throwing her off guard.
"How is that going to prove anything?"
"It's not. I just want you to kiss me," he said, giving her a roguish smile.
Hermione smiled back at him. "Sometimes, when you're not being a complete jerk, you can be really sweet."
"And sometimes, when you're not being a complete swot, you can be really sexy."
Hermione scowled in response.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were handing out backhanded compliments."
"You're lucky I–"
"Like me? Lust me? Lurf me?"
"That is not what I was going to say."
"Lick me? Well, alright, Granger, but just so you know, I usually don't go that far on a first date. But for you, I'll make an exception." He winked at her.
"Leave you. I was going to say, you're lucky I don't leave you."
"Come on, we both know your not leaving me has nothing to do with luck."
"What does it have to do with then?"
"My good looks, my clever repartee, my charming personality, my ability to make witches melt into a puddle. Did I mention my good looks?"
"You really should do something about that low self-esteem of yours," said Hermione dryly.
"Well, I don't like to brag," said Malfoy, feigning modesty. "I didn't mention my extreme intelligence or expertise with a wand, now did I?"
Hermione swallowed hard and pretended not to notice him looking down at his trousers when he mentioned his expertise with a wand. "If you were really so smart you wouldn't still be in this web. In fact, you wouldn't be in it at all."
"I'm man enough to let you save my ass. Particularly since you seem to be so fond of it."
Hermione rolled her eyes but didn't bother to deny it. She was growing rather fond of it and the rest of him too. Using a Severing Charm, she carefully began cutting him out of the web. She had half of him free when her wand brushed against his side, and Malfoy let out an uncharacteristic giggle. Holding back her smile, Hermione "accidentally" touched his side again with the tip of her wand.
Malfoy let out another giggle and then glared at her. "Stop it."
"What's the matter?" asked Hermione innocently. "Are you ticklish?"
"No. Malfoys are not ticklish. It's undignified."
"Oh, really?" said Hermione, smirking as she reached toward him with her wand again.
Before her wand could touch him, he grabbed her with his free hand and pulled her into the web with him.
Hermione glared. "Way to go. Now, we're both stuck."
"Is that so bad?" asked Malfoy huskily, leaning in closer and looking very much as though he was about to kiss her.
"Oh, um, well," Hermione stammered, unable to take her eyes off of his approaching lips. "Let me get back to you on that?"
Malfoy smiled and closed the almost nonexistent gap between them with a searing kiss that would have left any witch weak in the knees. It was slow and deep and perfect. It was a kiss that any sex god would be proud of. Reluctantly pulling out of the kiss, he looked at her expectantly. "Well?"
After what seemed like an eternity of contemplation, Hermione finally blurted out, "I don't see any fireworks."
Malfoy scowled. That was not the kind of response he was expecting. Anything other than a moan of appreciation or a satisfied sigh was pretty much an insult as far as he was concerned. "Well, you can't expect to see fireworks every time we kiss," he huffed in annoyance, completely offended by her reaction. "If you ask me, you're being a little picky. That was a perfectly good kiss. In fact, it was more than good. It was great. Spectacular even. But if you want fireworks, I'll give you bloody fireworks." And with a determined look on his face, he started to pull her in for another kiss.
Hermione pushed him away and rolled her eyes. "I was talking about the Whiz Bangs. I don't see them anymore."
"Oh," said Malfoy, sounding relieved and pulling her toward him again. "Who cares about those Whiz Bangs when we can be making fireworks of our own?"
As if on cue, the Weasley twins popped into view and gave Malfoy something to care about. Drawing their weapons, they aimed at Malfoy and fired. Pink paint exploded all over him. Hermione watched as Malfoy, looking slightly stunned, blinked the pink paint out of his eyes, and she couldn't help but laugh. He looked ridiculous.
"I'm guessing you care," Hermione choked out, "unless you've suddenly decided you like your hair pink."
"Fucking Weasleys!" Malfoy yelled.
That made Hermione laugh even harder. In fact, she was so busy laughing at Malfoy's expense that she didn't even think to raise a shield around them. So, it kind of served her right when she received two shots straight to the chest. Expecting the blasts of paint to be painful, or at the very least, ice cold like the water had been, she was pleasantly surprised to discover that it felt warm and tingly. Perhaps, the twins had decided to go easy on her.
However, when she looked down, she discovered that was not the case. Instead of seeing pink paint like she expected, she saw two pink nipples poking out of her shirt. Apparently, she had been shot with some kind of Vanishing Spray. Leave it to the Weasley twins to come up with a product that could easily remove clothing. Lazy, pervy bastards. Feeling leering eyes on her, Hermione did the only logical thing she could think to do under the circumstances. She grabbed Malfoy by the ears and rubbed his face all over her chest. Well, it seemed logical at the time anyway. She never was very good under pressure.
"Don't say a word," Hermione growled at Malfoy through clenched teeth, her cheeks almost as pink as his hair. It was hard to tell because of all the pink paint, but Hermione was pretty sure he was smirking. Doing her best to ignore it, Hermione quickly worked on untangling Malfoy from the web before the Weasley twins really let loose, and she lost all of her clothes.
The Weasley twins looked on in disgust. "I can't believe it," Fred grumbled. "She just rubbed her breasts in his face. In his frigging face. No matter what we do to him, Malfoy always gets off better."
"And we never get off at all." George nodded glumly.
"Perhaps, we should work out our frustrations with a little target practice," suggested Fred, his lips turning a mischievous shade of purple.
"Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing," answered George with an impish grin. "Must be a twin thing."
"You mean like how we can finish each others sentences?"
"Exactly. In fact, I pretty sure I can finish your next sentence."
"Ready?" Fred smirked.
"Aim," replied George, drawing his gun at the exact same time as his twin.
"Fire!" they both shouted.
Fortunately, Hermione had already finished getting Malfoy out of the web when the twins opened fire on them, and she was able to almost immediately produce a perfect Shield Spell. Unfortunately, thanks to the twins high-powered weapons, they still received a few dozen hits. Hermione was missing parts of her skirt and the whole bottom half of her shirt. And the front of Malfoy was covered in pink paint from head to toe.
"I think we should retreat," said Malfoy, angrily spitting out pink paint along with his words.
"We can't retreat," Hermione declared adamantly. "That's the same as admitting defeat."
"And what do you propose we do, little miss know-it-all?"
"We fight of course."
"With what? My little toy water guns? Oh, I forgot. I threw those away. Because they were fucking useless!"
"I have my wand."
"You would have to take down the shield to use it, and I am not getting hit with anymore pink paint. Unless of course, you're planning on rubbing your tits in my face again," he couldn't help adding with a smirk.
"Fat chance," Hermione spat.
"Then I think you should Apparate us out of here."
"No, I told you that's a bad idea."
"Perhaps, I should have phrased that differently. I command you to Apparate us out of here," said Malfoy, giving her a smug look.
Hermione glared but angrily grabbed hold of him for a Side Along. Making sure he was between her and the Weasley twins, she gave him her own smug look and dropped the shield. Needless to say, she paused quite a bit longer than was entirely necessary before finally turning and Apparating them away.
"You did that on purpose," Malfoy sputtered, dripping pink paint all over their new surroundings.
"You deserved it. You're lucky I didn't Splinch you too. In case you hadn't noticed," said Hermione, poking him hard in the chest, "I don't like being ordered around."
"Then you shouldn't make bets you can't win," Malfoy returned, poking her back just as hard. "Until then, you can follow my orders. Now be a good little girl and remove all of this pink paint. And in case you didn't figure it out already, that's an order."
Grudgingly, Hermione pointed her wand at Malfoy and bitterly muttered, "Tergeo."
"ALL of the pink paint," said Malfoy, smirking and nodding his head toward her.
Hermione looked down at the pink paint still clinging to her otherwise naked breasts and then back up at Malfoy. Pursing her lips, she shook her head. "Nice try," she replied, casting a Reparo on her shirt before using the Tergeo Spell on herself.
"Not a very fun first date, are you?" Malfoy grumbled.
"I don't know what are you talking about. Didn't you have fun getting shot in the ass? It looked like you were having a blast."
"A vicious attack on my ass by the Weasley twins is not my idea of a good time. My ass is still tingling from it. And not in a good way. Did you get all of the pink paint off of it?" asked Malfoy, turning his back toward her and wiggling his rear end for inspection.
Hermione's eyes widened slightly at the sight of Malfoy's backside, but all she said was, "I don't see anything."
"Are you sure? Because you're staring. And I think you might be drooling a little."
Hermione looked up, and blushing slightly, snapped, "I don't see anything other than the dumb ass standing in front of me."
"You're just mad because I was right and you were wrong. See? I told you so. We Apparated, and nothing bad is happening."
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, vines immediately wrapped around Hermione's wrists and raised them over her head. Before she could even glare at him, two more shot out and spread her legs apart.
"Any other clever observations you'd like to make?" she asked sarcastically.
Malfoy smirked back at her. "Looks like this is turning out to be a pretty good first date after all."