"Berri... sigh..." Conker said as he looked at the picture.
He could never forget the night she had been shot by Don Weazo the mob boss. He remembered it like it was yesterday.
"Hey narrator!" Conker yelled, "It WAS yesterday!"
Oh, right. Anyway, those thoughts continued to flow through Conker's mind like a river. His fist shook violently.
"I swear," Conker stated, "if I ever see Don Weazo again, he's going to PAY!"
With that, Conker slammed his fist down on the table by him, making the glass of milk and the picture fly into the air. Conker gasped, whipped out a catcher's mitt, jumped into the air and caught the picture as the glass of milk smashed on the ground. Conker pondered to himself as the two weasel guards, Louie and George, walked in. Louie, the tall one, held up a carton of milk and another glass in his thin fingers as he approached Conker's throne..
"More milk King Conker?" Louie asked.
Conker thinking he could go for another drink said "Sure. Hit me."
"Um, if you say so..." said Louie nervously.
Conker was on the ground in a daze. He glared up at Louie, who lowered his fist.
"I didn't mean literally you idiot." Conker said coldly. He slowly got back up and sat back down on the throne. "Now scram. I gotta think to myself."
Louie and George took their leave, leaving Conker staring at the picture of Berri.
"Jees, I need to get out of this funk..." Conker held his fingers up to his lips and whistled. Within five seconds, Fangy the raptor burst into the throne room and wagged his tail like crazy.
"Hey boy! I got a treat for you!" Conker said happily as he held up a caveman by the legs, who was busy writing his will. Fangy jumped up and down while roaring.
"Okay, roll over!" said Conker. Fangy nodded, and then rolled around the room. As he did, he accidentally squashed Marvin the mouse into a bloody pulp. (yeah I don't like that mouse. how'd he even come back to life after exploding?)
"Good boy! Now don't do it until I say okay!" Conker said as he put the caveman on Fangy's nose. "Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd okay!" Fangy quickly snapped. Blood flew everywhere as Fangy chewed the caveman up in his mouth. Fangy then let out a satisfied belch and laid on his side. Conker grinned and scratched Fangy's stomach and thought to himself, 'Well, I guess not everything turned out bad...'
That day had been quite busy for Conker. He had gotten Fangy from the caveman's world to keep at the castle, Franky, Ron and Reg had become his cooks, Rodent was now his war general, as requested, and Marvin was now a mess on the carpet.
Conker walked up to the throne and sat back down on it. He picked up the picture of Berri and sighed. One of the things that stuck in his head was the fact that before what happened yesterday, Conker never realized how much he truly cared for Berri. Sure, they went out on dates a couple times and spent time together with friends, but Conker had only really seen her as a crush. It wasn't until she was shot that he truly knew how much he cared for her. Like he said during the ending credits, you never know you have something until it's gone... And he was right.
"Man," he thought to himself, "I'd do anything to see Berri again... I'd even sell my soul... to... my soul... THAT'S IT!"
Conker eagerly leaped down off his throne and walked up to the B pad he had set up, just for an emergency. He stood on top of it as a light bulb appeared over his head with a Ting! sound. He reached behind his back and pulled out a small hand gun. He grinned as he held the gun up to his head, closed his eyes, and pulled the trigger...
When Conker's eyes opened, he was sure enough in the underworld. He smirked as the all too familiar form of a short grim reaper walked over to him from the shadows.
"Well well, if it isn't the sodding squirrel. I swear you come back here more than those bloody cats! What happened this time? Another @#$%!& boss battle? I'm telling you, it's easier just to go to a bloody website to find out to how to beat them!" Gregg said in his high pitched british tone.
"Actually, I came down to make a deal with you..." replied Conker.
An alien was flying through space. He stopped, and then took out a road map.
"Hmm... do I make a left or right her-" The alien said just before he was splattered on the windshield of Conker's private spaceship.
"Damn. Not again." Louie said as he hit a button, wiping the alien blood off the window with some windshield wipers.
"So let me get this straight," Gregg said to Conker, "We get Berri's body from space and I bring her back to life, and you give me what?"
Conker replied, "Fifty squirrel tales."
"Holy shit!" Gregg yelled, "Where the bloody hell did you find all of those tales???"
"Oh I have my ways." Conker said smiling.
Place: Cock and Plucker
Conker was about to enter the bar, ready to celebrate his 21st birthday with some friends. Then, a shady guy whispered to him.
"Hey buddy, come ere"
"Yeah, what do you want?" Conker asked.
"If you're ever in a fix, just tell the firey guy over by the fireplace the words, BOVRILBULLETHOLE and everything will be all right." the shady guy said as he slowly walked backwards further into the darkness. The sound of a trash can being knocked over could be heard as the same voice of the shady guy cursed in pain.
"Um... okay." Conker said as he walked into the bar.
"So," Conker said, "do you have..."
"Yes yes, you twat." Gregg said as he held up a glowing bag. "Here's your bloody girlfriend."
Conker walked up to the bag and said, "Hey Berri! You all right? Don't worry, I'll have you back to normal in no time!"
Gregg sighed as he put down the bag and said, "She can't hear you you little prick. Souls don't have bloody ears!"
"Oh, right..." Conker sighed.
George looked down at the radar on the control panels, and then yelled excitingly, "Sire! Sire! We've found a corpse!"
Conker said, "All right suck it in!... Uh oh. I'll be back in a minute. Gotta make a pit stop."
As Conker ran into the bathroom, George looked down at two buttons. One said BLOW while the other said SUCK. He pushed the SUCK button and a giant tube popped out of the ship and sucked up the corpse. Gregg reached into the soul sack and pulled out Berri's soul. When the hatch opened and the body fell in, Gregg immediately shoved the soul into the corpse.
"There." Gregg said, "My job is done. Tell the squirrel thanks for the tales and to piss off." Gregg was about to teleport away when he took a closer look at the body, which was slowly getting up.
"Ooooh..." Berri said as she slowly got up and rubbed her head. "Man, I feel like I went through a like, spin cycle... Hey, I'm alive! All right!" She then took a look around. She was in a spaceship with a short grim reaper and two weasels, all looking at her with shocked expressions on their faces.
"Like, what are you three staring at?" Berri said as Conker slowly opened the door to the bathroom.
"Hey Berri, is that yo-" Conker said... and yelled upon seeing Berri.
Berri turned and saw Conker's familiar face. "Conker! Look! I'm like, alive!" Conker looked at her with a face that made him look like he had seen Medusa or something.
"Like, what's with you?" Berri said.
"B-Berri, is that you?" Conker stuttered slowly.
"Yeah, of course it's me!" Berri said.
"Well, I think you might want to look in a mirror..." Conker said.
Berri shrugged her shoulders, pulled out a mirror and looked in it. She saw the face of a hideous panther in it. She was in the body of the Panther King! (Bet you weren't expecting that, huh?)
"Oh my @#$%&$ god!" Berri shrieked as she dropped the mirror.
Conker turned to Louie and George and yelled, "You morons! You got the wrong corpse!" Louie and George quickly got down on their knees and hands and bowed to Conker.
George said in a feeble tone, "We're sorry sire! We'll find the right one soon enough! We promise!" Louie just nodded his head in agreement.
Conker turned his back to them and said coldly, "Well, hurry up."
Berri looked down to Gregg and said, "Um, like what's going on here?"
Gregg sighed. "Oh bloody hell..."
And so Conker and Gregg explained to Berri what had happened after she was killed.
"...and then when George and Louie sucked up the corpse, Gregg put your soul into it, not knowing it was actually the Panther King's body." Conker said, finishing their tale.
"Like, oh crap." Berri said sadly.
"Don't worry," Conker said, "We'll find your real body soon..."
"Sniff... okay. Thanks Conker." Berri said.
"Oh @#$%, I think I'm going to gag." groaned Gregg.
Same here Gregg, let's go to a scene less stomach turning. Ah, here we go. Another spaceship. This one has a black flag on it and has labeled on it, a skull with one eye. Let's look inside, shall we?
"Hey, look!" said an alien named Mike, looking out the window of the ship. He was wearing a striped red and white shirt with a bandana around his head. Another alien, named Joe, who was wearing a pirate outfit complete with hat, peg leg, and both his hands being replaced by hooks, walked up and looked at what Mike saw. Mike said, "It appears to be an unidentified spaceship. What should we do?"
"Arr. Hmm..." Joe pondered, his hand stroked his chin. "Arr. I say we go down there and kick the shit out of them and plunder their stuff. Arr. How's that sound?"
"Sure, fine." Mike replied.
Meanwhile, on Conker's ship...
"Hey guys, where's Berri?" Conker asked George.
"Oh, she's in the #$%@&% can. She said something about looking more womanly." George said, looking down at the radar. Berri walked out of the bathroom, wearing more makeup than Drew Carey's nemesis Mimi.
"Well, how do I look?" Berri asked. Conker, George, Louie and Gregg all looked at Berri with horrid looks on their faces.
"Oh for the love of..." Gregg groaned.
"You look like Tammy Thay Baker!" Conker said before whipping out an airsick bag.
"Well like, exCUSE me!" Berri said as Louie took a moment to look at the radar.
"Uh oh, hey guys, take a look. A big dot is going towards the smaller dot!" Louie exclaimed. Conker looked up at the cockpit window and sweated. The alien spaceship was heading towards them. In the alien ship, Mike pressed a button which made a tube pop out of the area between the two spots of the ship where the landing gear comes out. The tube stretched over to Conker's ship and latched onto it.
"Uh oh." said Conker, hearing the tube latch on, "Looks like we're in for some company..."
The airlock of the ship slowly opened as steam came out. Mike walked in blowing the steam away with a leaf blower as Joe walked in with a laser gun taped to his hook hand.
"Oh boy, um... what do you guys want?" Conker asked.
"Arr. We're here to keelhaul you scurvy scalawags!" Joe said. He looked over to Mike. "Arr, deploy your VG659 Bitchslapper and fire! Arr!"
Mike nodded and whipped out his own laser gun. The two of them immediately started firing their blasters.
"Oh jees! Everybody down!" Conker yelled as the lasers came at him and the others. They all ducked just before the lasers hit them. The lasers bounced off the steel wall and hit Mike, blowing him up into a pile of green blood and body parts. Joe whipped off some blood from his face and glared at Conker.
"Arr. For that you will pay." He ran at Conker with his hooks ready to slash the squirrel's guts out. Conker had no time to pull out his uzis while everyone else was too surprised to react... except...
Conker shut his eyes, preparing to have his body parts decorating the floor. However, time passed and nothing happened. Conker slowly opened an eye and saw Joe's body on the ground decapitated. Joe's head soon fell from above and splattered down by the body.
"Huh? Who did that?" Conker asked, turning to the others. They all looked up at Berri, who tucked some claws back into the Panther King's paw.
"Well..." Berri said smiling, "Guess not everything about this body is bad."
As Louie mopped up the alien mess, Berri was busying whittling a piece of wood using the Panther King's claws while George and Conker was keeping an eye on the radar for Berri's corpse. Gregg however, was really getting sick of this.
"That's it." Gregg complained, "Fifty squirrel tales are not worth this! Piss off you sodding squirrel, I'm bloody out of here!"
Gregg was about to leave when he noticed something outside the window. He looked closely and smirked. "Hey Conker, I think I found your girlfriend!" Everyone upon hearing this, sprinted to the window. Sure enough, it was Berri's body.
Conker exclaimed, "Quick George, suck it in!" As George ran over to hit the button, Conker turned to Berri and said, "Soon you'll be back to normal."
"Finally!" Berri said. She thought for a second, then turned to Gregg. "Listen, just one thing before you put me back in my body..."
To celebrate Berri coming back to life (and being put back in her real body), Conker, Berri, George, Louie, Franky and Rodent were at the Cock and Plucker knocking back a few drinks. After a while of this, Conker whipped out his pocket watch and looked at it.
"You guys ready to go?" Conker asked, turning to the group. George and Louie were standing on the bar counter singing "Genie In A Bottle", Franky was trying to get a date with a hoe, and Rodent walked into the bathroom with his hand over his stomach while carrying ten magazines. "Hmm... guess not." Conker said.
Berri suddenly wrapped her arms around Conker from behind. "I'm ready to go if you are." she said. "All right," Conker said, "Let's just go back to the castle. The others know the way." When they walked out, a guy dressed in black and wearing a mask leaped out from behind some trash cans.
"Give me your money!" the guy said.
"No way." was Conker's reply.
"@#$% you!" the guy said as he whipped out a switch blade and ran at Conker. However, within two seconds, the guy was chopped in half. Conker grinned and turned to Berri, who tucked away the panther claws she had in her fingers.
"You're right." Conker grinned, "Those do come in handy!"
A/N: Well, what do you think? After beating Conker's Bad Fur Day, I
felt like I needed to write a continuation of the game. If I get enough
good reviews for this thing I'll keep it going. Otherwise I'll trash it.
This is CheeseWiz signing off! =)