A/N: Okay, here's my first shot at humor. The plan was to combine some good old 'Life With Derek' action with classic games and lines from 'Whose Line Is It Anyway'. Dialogue will be identified by name. Other keys:
(words) - action
'italics' - thoughts
bold text - captions
Special thanks to JonJ and his work "Whose Line Is It Anyway: Love Hina Edition" for being a great read and for being my inspiration to do this fic. Games and sequence will probably be modeled from his story, although I'll try to mix the order up now and then.
Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek or Whose Line Is It Anyway.
Drew: "Good evening everybody and welcome to our special one hour "Life With Derek" edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway! On tonight's show: Nora's celebrity crush: Wayne Brady (Wayne smiles brightly), the bane of Casey's existence: special guest Derek Venturi (Derek gives his patented "Derek Smirk"), George's shirt provider: Colin Mochrie (Colin glances to the side and looks back at camera suspiously), and "will you kids knock it off?": Ryan Stiles (Ryan holds a WLIIA card to his head, pretending to guess what's on the card). And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down and let's have some fun!
(Audience claps while Drew goes down the steps and has a seat behind the desk)
Drew: Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Noel's role in the show. Who cares? (guys onstage all chuckle).
Noel: Hey! That's not… (sighs defeated)…who am I kidding? He's right.
Drew: Today's our special "Life With Derek" episode, filmed in lovely London, Ontario, Canada. As an added bonus, none of the members in Derek's household know anything about this. Derek's neighbors, the Davis family, were kind enough to loan us their basement to house the improvisers. The MacDonald/Venturi house has been rigged with hidden cameras, microphones, and speakers. That's right, sixty minutes of Whose Line action against an unsuspecting family. Right before the final game, we'll reveal ourselves to the MacDonald/Venturi clan. As you all know, after each game I'll assign points, just a gag to keep the show together. At the end, I'll pick a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me (audience hoots and hollers) and, what the heck, so does the loser. (Wayne pretends to 'smack that' in the air, Derek checks his breath, Colin gives a weird look, and Ryan mouths to the audience "it isn't that great.")
Drew: Our first game is …"Superheroes", and it's for all four of you. You're all going to act out a scene as unlikely superheroes. Derek, you're going to start, followed by Colin, Ryan, and Wayne. They're each going to name each up as they come in and try to screw each other up. Now, last night, we snuck in and poured Casey's shampoo down the bathtub drain. She's about to head to the bathroom to get ready and notice it's gone. Derek, you'll go in just like normal to annoy Casey, and the other three will sneak around through the front door and sneak in. Now what I need from the audience is an unlikely superhero name for Derek.
(audience begins yelling suggestions)
Drew: I heard the Overreaction Kid! So, Derek, Overreaction Kid, what are you gonna do?!
(Derek goes to the back yard and climbs up the tree to sneak back in through his room, while the other run around and sneak in through the front. Meanwhile, Casey walks into the bathroom and notices her empty shampoo bottle lying near the bathtub drain)
Casey: Someone poured out my shampoo! 'Now who could've done it' (Casey reaches her only logical conclusion) Der-ek! Get in here!
(Derek walks in and assumes the role of Overreaction Kid)
Derek: (acting scared) Why are you yelling at me so early! I'm innocent, I tell you!
Casey: Please, you're never innocent! Derek, my shampoo's gone! I can't get my shower now and it's probably all your fault!
Derek: Your shampoo's go… (drops to the floor and begins slamming his fist against the ground) Why did this have to happen?! Why?! I only hope that my super-friends will arrive soon!
Casey (stunned): Uh…Derek…it's not THAT big of a …
(Colin jumps in)
Colin: I hurried over as fast as I could!
Derek: (faking extreme joy, hoping up and hugging Colin) Oh, thank God you made it, Captain Hair!
(Audience erupts in laughter. Colin gives Derek an evil look. Casey, meanwhile, is standing there speechless at Colin's arrival)
Derek: Casey's shampoo is gone, which means she can't get ready for her day and she'll never leave the bathroom! Why did this have to happen! (fakes crying)
Colin: (pushes Derek aside) Stand back; my "Head Beam" should fix it. (Acts like he his lifting up a visor over his bald spot and shining a beam at the drain) It's not working, we need more help! (turns back to Derek, who pretends to be blinded by Colin's head beam)
Derek: My eyes! My eyes! I'll never be able to see again!
(Colin acts like he's readjusting his visor. Ryan walks in)
Ryan: Sorry I'm late! I couldn't get a cab!
Colin: Oh, it's "Toddler Doing Everything for the First Time" Boy!
(Ryan just stares at Colin, then proceeds to crouch down and pretend to act like he's trying to walk for the first time. Ryan falls over, then gets back up to his knees.)
Ryan: Ah, ah-ha.
Colin: Aw, how cute. (Proceeds to kiss Ryan on top of the head. Ryan then acts like he's spitting up. Colin wipes it up, only for Ryan to spit up again on Colin's hand. Colin gives a disgusted look as he shakes his hand off.)
Derek: Oh no! He's spitting up! He must've caught a virus, or, or worse! Aahhh! (Grabs two handfuls of hair and starts freaking out)
Casey: Derek, are you on drugs or something?! And why are these people in our bathroom?!
(Wayne jumps in)
Wayne: Sorry I'm late.
Ryan: Ah, the Bar Room Brawler.
(Wayne, assuming his role, acts like he punches Derek, who falls out on the floor. He then knees Colin below the belt, who falls to his knees. Finally, he cracks an imaginary beer bottle over Ryan's head, sending him down to the floor as well. Wayne then takes out a bottle of shampoo and hands it to Casey)
Wayne: Here, I swiped this from a biker at "Dick's in the Sticks" yesterday! That fresh lavender scent ought to clean you up after a night in this dump!
Casey: Uh, thanks.
Wayne: Uh oh (acts like he's getting a bottle broken over his head, then grabs himself by his shirt collar and the back of his pants) Whoa… Ahhh! (proceeds to "throw himself" out)
Ryan: Ah ha. (Walks over to Colin and starts sucking on his nipple. Colin mouths "Ow, ow" during the process)
Casey: EW! That's just wrong!
Ryan: Ah-ha. (Acts like toddler walking out of the room)
Colin: I must go now! Hair Power is needed elsewhere! (Pauses, then acts like he's shaving Casey's hair off and places it on his head) Away! (Leaps out of the room)
Derek: Yes! Another crisis solved! Yes, yes, yes, yes! (Grabs Casey in a hug and dances around the bathroom with her)
BUZZZZ, buzz, buzz!!
(Derek then realizes what he's doing)
Derek: O-kay, this is awkward…gotta go! (Runs out the bathroom and heads down the stairs)
Casey: DER-EK! Get back here you jerk! And what was that buzzing sound?!
(Lizzie walks out of her room)
Lizzie (groggily): Casey, why are you yelling so early in the morning? Don't tell me it was another fight with Derek?
Casey: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Lizzie: Try me.
(Back at the Davis' basement)
Drew: Outstanding. I'll give each of you 1000 points, and an additional 500 points to Derek for reminding us why we call Colin "Captain Hair".
Colin: Here we go again. Drew's lightning rod of hate is back.
Drew: You know it. Your suggestion kinda backfired on you, didn't it?
Drew: Thought you had him until Ryan sucked on your nipple.
Ryan: The things you do for a good laugh. (shakes his head and pretends to be disgusted)
Wayne: That poor girl didn't know what was going on.
Derek: If you enjoyed that, then you'll love today. I have so much fun doing crap like this to Casey…or anyone in the house for that matter.
(Back at the MacDonald/Venturi house, in the kitchen)
(Casey walks in while everyone else – minus Derek – sits around the island eating breakfast)
Nora: Casey, honey, are you okay?
Casey: I wish. This morning, I went to the shower and someone had poured all my shampoo down the drain. Then Derek came into the bathroom acting all weird. And to top it all off, there was a group of guys with him acting like weird superheroes.
George: Wait, did you say there were other people in the house?
Casey: Uh, yeah.
Nora: In our bathroom? While you were in there?!
Casey: Relax mom. They were too busy acting like idiots to try to do anything. Besides, I was fully clothed.
Marti: Yay, Smerek brought some playmates!
Edwin: Maybe one of them can invest in my business plans.
Casey: Ugh, I'm going to go watch some news.
(Back at the set)
Drew: Now on to our second game: Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. (Colin and Derek go to grab the stools, while Wayne and Ryan take their respected places on the stage). Colin, you're going to be the anchor of a local news show. Derek, you're the co-anchor, and you are Casey complaining about the latest screw-ups in her life. (Derek lets out a small chuckle) Think you're up to it, Derek?
Derek: Of course! Casey's gonna be so pissed!
Drew: Wayne, your doing the sports and you are a Jamaican love god reporting live from the bedroom where he's on a hot date.
Wayne: Hi mom. (Smiles weakly, holding out his hand and giving a thumbs up)
Drew: Yeah, giving someone their groove back. (Wayne busts out laughing) Ryan, you're doing the weather and you're a lost toddler looking for his mommy (Ryan gives a "what the hell" look to Drew). As usual, our captions will show to add to the twist. So Colin, when you here the music, you can start this newscast.
(meanwhile, at the MacDonald/Venturi House: Casey and Lizzie are arguing with Edwin and Marti about what to watch)
Casey: Edwin, I was watching that.
Edwin: Come on, Marti and I want to watch cartoons.
Lizzie: Casey's news is almost over, can't you just wait a couple of minutes.
Marti: I want to watch my cartoons! And where's Smerek?!
(The kids starts arguing more, until George reaches over and grabs the remote, turning the T.V. off.)
George: Not until you behave!
(The kids look at each other, then…)
Kids (defeated): Okay
Nora: Okay, Casey, you can finish watching your news. Then, the rest of you can watch cartoons.
(The kids nod in agreement)
George: Much better.
(George flips on the T.V. The "Weird Newscasters" theme is playing on the T.V. as the cameras zoom in on the WLIIA crew.)
Nora: Hey that looks like…
George: I think that is…
Edwin: When did Derek join the news crew?
Casey: Shhh! Let's just see what the heck is going on.
Colin: Welcome to the morning news, I'm your anchor, Oswald That-Ends-Wald. (Drew cracks up, while Derek's family gives the T.V. an "is he for real?" look) Our top story today: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dead at 53.
Lizzie (looking over to see Marti's lips quivering): Uh oh.
Marti (crying): What?! NOOOO!
(George and Nora start trying to comfort Marti)
Colin: I know, it is sad. (Drew starts laughing again, since he knows what's going on at the moment) Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. (pause) Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane. (Drew erupts in more laughter, Derek glances down slightly and shakes his head while restraining chuckles, Wayne doubles over in laughter, and Ryan covers his face to hide the laughter.)
Marti (still crying): Stupid plane! Why did it have to kill Rudolph!
Nora: Marti, sweetie. Rudolph isn't really dead.
Marti: But Nora…
George: Marti, when have you ever known your brother to be on the news?
Marti: Uh, never.
Casey: Right, which means him and this group of weirdoes are up to something. Rudolph is really okay, sweetie.
Marti (drying the last of her tears): Okay.
Colin: For the rest of today's stories, let's turn it over to our co-anchor, Faye Kit-nightly.
Derek (Casey MacDonald complaining about her life's latest screw-ups): (doing his best pouting face and whining voice) Ugh, today Marti poured all my perfumes in the sink, Edwin ate the last of my favorite cereal, and George shrunk my ballet outfit in the dryer. How do Mom and Lizzie put up with these animals? On top of that, I'm on my period, Max broke up with me, my science project is due in three weeks, and … (giving a disgusted look and reaching like there's something in his hair) there's honey in my shampoo?! Why that no good…Der-ek! (resumes the pouting face and crosses his arms)
Colin: This just in, dogs in a five mile area go deaf.
Casey: I do not act like that!
Edwin: Uh, actually Case, you do.
Casey: Edwin! I do not whine like that!
Lizzie: Sadly, I have to agree with him.
(Casey starts to complain, but is cut of by everyone else)
Colin: And now on to sports, with our sports announcer, Reggae Jackson.
Wayne (Jamaican love god reporting live from a bedroom): Hello mon. Good to see you come back 'round here girl, me haven't seen in long time. Me want to tell you a little something about the sports, but before me tell you about the baseball and the football, I'll tell you about my favorite sport of all. Oh, it's not baseball, but me use a bat. It's the sport of making love. And I only make love to the most beautiful women in the world, like this woman right here. (looks over to his left to a very stunned Derek, who proceeds to get up and ease over toward Drew's desk) You know what they call me, girl? They call me Reggae Jackson!
Lizzie: This is getting weird! Can someone please change the channel?!
Casey (mashing buttons furiously): The stupid channel won't change!
(meanwhile, Derek's at one end of Drew's desk and Wayne's on the other end)
Wayne: No girl, you can't leave! (climbs up on Drew's desk and straddles it) Listen baby, I'm a Jamaican sex god! (Proceeds to raise him up on his arms and starts moving his body up and down) We can go fast, go slow, however you want to go! Oh, yes mon! (Derek runs back up the stage, Wayne hops off the desk and is in pursuit) Wait baby! Wait baby! Don't leave me! (Wayne catches Derek and wraps his arms around him. He then proceeds to bring Derek back his sports area) I'm going to let get back to the sports, but before you go, I want you to see the kiss that I will plant on this lovely woman. (Wayne then proceeds to kiss Derek, who gets his hand over his mouth just in time)
Entire MacDonald/Venturi household: EWW!!
(Derek sits back down on his stool, pretending to fan himself and imitating Casey's dreamy look. Wayne props himself on Drew's desk)
Colin: Late breaking news – scandal erupts at local T.V. station: Jamaican love god and Canadian super keener fired for indecent display. More tonight at six. And now on to the weather with our weatherman, Cole Front. Cole!
(camera zooms in on Ryan, who has his lips rolled out and quivering)
Ryan (Lost toddler looking for his mom): It's gonna be cold this weekend. And dark. And I'm gonna be all alone. (looks over to Colin) Are you my mommy? You're not my mommy. (walks forward a little bit, glances over to Derek) Are you my mommy? (walks off the stage towards one of the cameras) Are you my mommy? (shakes head)You don't look my mommy. (Ryan looks around some more. He looks over at Drew's desk and his face lights up. Drew gives the "oh no" look as Ryan runs over to him and proceeds to climb up in Drew's lap. Drew then hugs him and pats him on the back. Wayne starts laughing while Derek looks over and mouths "aw, that's so cute" to them)
Colin: That's it for the morning news! Join us tomorrow for more news, more good news! Good day!
(Casey is finally able to change the channel)
Nora: Well, that was, very enlightening.
Edwin: Wow, we need more news like this! I really enjoyed this!
(Lizzie rolls her eyes at Edwin's comments)
Casey: Oh, shut up. What the hell was up with that news show?
Marti: Casey said a bad word!
George: We know…
Marti: What's a Jamaican sex god?
(Everyone face faults at Marti's question)
Casey: Great, Derek and those weirdoes are setting a great example for Marti. Wait, those were the same guys that were acting like stupid superheroes this morning!
Lizzie: A couple of those guys looked familiar…
George: What is that boy up to?
(Meanwhile, back on the set)
Drew: That was great. 10,000 points to Wayne for being in such great shape and not trying to get me a second time with that 'Jamaican love god' bit. 5,000 to Derek for doing such a great job mocking his stepsister.
Derek: Why thank you.
Drew: Unfortunately, I have to subtract 100 manhood points for doing too good of a job.
Derek: Damn it!
Drew: Ryan, only a 100 points for making me have to hug you on television. And sadly, no points for Colin, since he made a little girl cry with his headline.
Derek: You made my little Smarti cry?!
Colin: I didn't mean to. Guess I should've used a better headline.
Derek: I'll let you slide this time (giving a warning look to Colin). Also, here's 100 of my points for the "dogs go deaf" comment about Casey's whining. (Acts like he's handing points over to Colin) Don't let anyone else know – I've got a rep to maintain.
Ryan: Wow, he's so nice to a total stranger, but treats his crush so badly.
Derek: What was that?!
Ryan (straightening up and crossing his arms): Nothing!
Drew: We'll be right back with more Whose Line. Don't go anywhere.
A/N: Hope you guys enjoy it. I'll try to keep it coming.