Memories of the Rebellion
Spoiler Alert: This story contains spoilers for pretty much the entire series of Code Geass through all of Season 1 to episode 15 of R2. So if you haven't watched all the episodes, you may want to go do that before reading this.
Foreword: Hey all. Youngde here with my first piece of fan fiction ever. It's a story about Kallen and her thoughts about various events over the course of the series as she sits in her cell after the confrontation with Suzaku in episode 15 of R2. Many of her thoughts revolve around her feelings for Lelouch, so yes, this is basically a Kalulu fic. Although, it's a little atypical as it pretty much covers Kallen's feelings for Lelouch and only her guesses at what he may or may not feel for her.
The actual original title for this piece was "Memories of Lelouch," but I quickly discovered that it was basically impossible to tease out just Kallen's thoughts on Lelouch without mentioning many other events and people, so the story gradually evolved into "Memories of the Rebellion."
As such the story became an attempt of Kallen to order her thoughts about all that has happened to her so far. The problem is, as any one who has ever thought can tell you, ordering your thoughts can be quite difficult. As such, the story has a somewhat odd structure. Part of it is the basic chronological narrative of what has occurred so far in the series, but it is constantly interrupted as Kallen's thoughts go off on tangents. These tangents have a tendency to be a bit more scattered than the main narrative, often referring to events out of order and/or taking the form of one sided conversations with various characters. To make the tangents easier to recognize from the main narrative, they are the parts that appear in italics. I should also point out that despite calling them tangents to the main narrative, they often take over the story and basically become the 'main' narrative for a time.
I would also like to point out that in this story I have attempted to avoid any speculation about what is to happen in the final 10 episodes of R2. However, this does not mean no speculations have been made. Stories about a character's thoughts are by their nature speculative. So there are two main types of speculations that I have made in this story. The first are, of course, those on Kallen's thoughts themselves. Keep in mind while your reading that these are only my guesses on what Kallen may or may not have felt at any given time; I make no claims to actually know Kallen's thoughts. In fact, that would be pretty weird since she is a fictional character.
The other type of speculations I was forced to make during this story were speculations on what other characters may or may not have told her after certain events have taken place. The two main characters who would have done this are, of course, Lelouch and C.C. These speculations are mostly made for the purpose of fleshing out the story in areas where Kallen was present, but not privy to everything that was going at the time. I make no claim that all these speculations are right (and will, in fact, probably be proven wrong before the series ends). However, it did add the difficulty that now, sometimes the story contained speculations made by Kallen based on speculations that I had made on what Lelouch and C.C. may have told her. I'm aware that this is not the best scenario in writing, but hopefully I pulled it off with some level of competence.
Anyway, that's enough of my ranting. So read and enjoy. Or read and don't enjoy. Or enjoy not reading. All are viable options, although my pride as a writer would prefer the first.
Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. It is owned by Sunrise with character designs by CLAMP.
Chapter 1: Zero
"I-I…won't become like him!" Suzaku said, and I heard the vial of Refrain break against the floor. It was with moderate surprise that I turned to see him standing there, as if contemplating what to do next. "I'm……sorry, Kallen," he finally said quietly as he left my elaborate cell and locked it behind him. He glanced up at me, and for the briefest of moments, I detected a hint of regret. But his eyes quickly returned to that look of hatred. Of hatred for one man: Lelouch Lamperouge.
Still, there was something left of the old Suzaku. Even after I found out we were on opposite sides, I still couldn't think of him as an enemy. Not the old Suzaku anyway. The one who always thought that ends achieved by deplorable means were worthless. The one who always went along with Milly's ridiculous schemes with a smile. The one who even after capturing me on Kaminejima, still treated me like a friend. I admittedly acted a bit like a brat, but he just said he found me "attractive and charming." Even though I've never had any special feelings for Suzaku, the compliment still made me blush. When at school, I was mostly complimented for my grades and 'proper behavior,' and the Black Knights mostly complimented me for my piloting skills. No one had ever said anything like Suzaku did to me that day before, not since my brother died.
He must watch over me to this day. Every time I call his name when I'm in trouble, something happens to save me. The first time was in the Shinjuku ghetto when Prince Clovis suddenly announced a cease fire. The second time was when Rakshata showed up just in time with the upgrades for my Guren. And then just now, Suzaku didn't use the Refrain. Come to think of it, all three instances were because of one man:
The first time, he managed to get all the way to Prince Clovis and force him to call off the Shinjuku massacre. The second time, he had planned enough ahead to have Rakshata en route during the Black Knight operation to 'rescue' Governor Nunnally. (As usual, he neglected to tell me about. Bastard.) And now, it was Suzaku's hatred for this man that saved me.
Lelouch. I haven't told anyone that you're Zero again, but I think I'm running out of time. But you said you'd come save me…and I believe you. Despite everything, I'll always believe in you.
I still remember that first day, or rather I did remember once Lelouch filled in all the blanks. I was a terrorist then. There's no way to sugarcoat it. I hated all Britannians then, and I killed them indiscriminately. I also hated how most of our people just let their pride die and lowered their heads to our oppressors. That included my own mother, who worked as a maid in the house of her former Britannian lover with my step-mother and I. I was a foolish girl back then; maybe I still am, but I'd like to think less so now than then.
Our resistance cell had broken into Prince Clovis' lab and stolen a canister of experimental poison gas. At least, that's what we thought…
C.C. I wonder where she is. I hope she's alright. For all our differences, she's become almost like…a sister? No, that can't be right. At any rate, she's probably with Lelouch I suppose. With him, alone, without me there. NO!! Why does that annoy me so much?? At any rate, that's irrelevant right now.
We had what we thought was poison gas. We were making a clean getaway, until some casual Britannian students got in our way, just cruising along like they owned the whole road. Lelouch and Rival, returning from gambling. If I had known them at the time, it would have come as no surprise, but as it was, we panicked and crashed. And if not for Lelouch's well hidden, but nonetheless very strong, sense of chivalry, I would have died that day.
He came to check on us; we didn't realize he was on the roof and took off, causing him to fall into the trailer. And he saw me. He recognized me, though he didn't know from where, as I boarded my Glasgow. After that, while I was fighting for my life, he met his old friend Suzaku, and first met C.C. and gained the power of Geass.
Geass. I still don't understand it much, even though C.C. explained it to me a thousand times during that year Lelouch was gone. I kept asking for clarification, and she kept rolling her eyes and told me again. Lelouch later admitted that it was to confirm my identity that he used it on me at school the day after Shinjuku. Then he messed up (rare for him) and tried to use it again, not knowing it didn't work twice on the same person. He used me as a Guinea Pig!! And yet, since it also erases memory, he didn't have to tell me. Also, this meant that I was now immune. He couldn't order me to do anything after that, at least not using his Geass. Everything I did for him, that I've ever done for him, I chose to do myself, just as he said. For some reason, that's both comforting and terrifying at the same time. That all I feel for him is not from Geass, but because I…Oh, it doesn't matter.
I would've died!! The Glasgow we got was a piece of junk, malfunctioning just when you needed it the most. My energy filler was down to fifteen minutes. I was royally screwed. Ironic that royalty saved my ass. His voice was so cocky, and I couldn't stand that someone just seemed to happen to know our frequency, but he told me I could win.
Win. It was a word rarely used even amongst those of us fighting for a free Japan. Most of us realized that realistically we were just prolonging the inevitable. But this voice said 'Win' and sounded like he meant it. Because of that voice, I defeated the two Sutherlands after me, and our group gained access to a train full of Knightmares. He organized us, gave us all call signs like a real military unit. To his credit, with his help we almost won absolute victory. Except for the Lancelot. Come to think of it, that's the first time Lelouch and Suzaku fought, though neither of them could have possibly known that at the time. I helped the voice escape that White Armor only to wind up stranded in the ghetto in a room full of people blaming us for what happened. (Back then, I hated spineless cowards like them.) The military moved in, and I thought the voice had failed us; we were all going to die anyway. No win. No victory. Then…the cease fire.
As I walked away wondering what the hell just happened, Ohgi told me to go back to school and lie low for awhile. I hated school. It was full of Britannians, and I HATED Britannians. Granted, I had never gotten to know any of them. That was about to change.
That was the first time Zero commanded me. He wasn't called Zero, of course, he was still Lelouch. But then Lelouch IS Zero and, in a way, has always been Zero. He called me Q-1 for the first time then, too. Wait. Isn't Q-1 the shorthand for the Queen in those stupid chess games he's always playing? I know a little about chess, but not nearly as much as Lelouch. In that game with Schneizel, he said that 'If the King doesn't move……,' Does that mean he thinks of himself as the King of the Black Knights? So if I'm Q-1, that makes me his…No, the queen is also the most powerful piece on the board, needed to protect the King because it's so weak. And if anyone is weak it's Lelouch. So that means I'm his protector? His queen? What am I to him…?
The next day at school was torture. Listening to restructured versions of my peoples' history in a room full of 'students' being told what to think rather than how to think. I'm one of the top students at Ashford; it's really not that hard. Just write and say exactly what the Britannians want their people to believe and you get strait 'A's.'
Of course, the worst part was that whenever I was there, I had to pretend to be sick. It explained my long absences without too many awkward questions. I don't even remember exactly what it is I'm supposed to have had, which doesn't really matter. Most of the Britannians that called themselves my friends were a bunch of self-absorbed fools that only really wanted to get closer to the name Stadtfeld rather than to me, so none of them ever really paid attention to the details of my 'illness.' That suited me fine; it just made it that much easier to trick them.
I guess that's why I got so frustrated when they all freaked out over something as stupid as a bee. I just swatted it down and complained about how I needed to act like an invalid. I thought I did it in my head, but apparently, I did it out loud, because the next thing I knew, he was standing there, just looking at me. I was used to getting stared at; most of the guys did it. But even without fearing that he had just heard my little outburst, Lelouch's eyes have a way of piercing into your soul. That was the first time we met. I mean, not technically. We had both seen each other around before, but it was the first time we interacted in any meaningful way.
I asked him if he needed anything, and he Geassed me. Just like that. No preamble, no pause to think if it was the right thing to do. He just did it. I mean, I know his story now, the whole former Prince of Britannia out to get revenge for his mother and create a world for his sister thing. I understand that he needed to start building a basis of power to fight against the Empire. I even feel a little flattered that he chose to start with me, that he saw that potential in me just from watching me pilot a junker Glasgow. Still, he simply robbed me of my true identity that I had spent so much time and effort into hiding. And then he just started to walk away. If he hadn't told me to forget about Shinjuku, I may not have ever realized something was wrong. But I was immune to his power now, and he didn't realize it.
He didn't realize it. Even Lelouch, Zero…even you make mistakes. Again, that's both comforting and terrifying at the same time. Lelouch, I love it when you get that indignant look on your face whenever you get one-upped, but Zero needs to be flawless, a miracle worker. Yet here you were; you had just accidentally given me immunity to your most powerful weapon. You later told me that you had never used it on any of the other Black Knights. Was is because you didn't want to force them into following you, or was it because you didn't want grant them the immunity that it gave to me? After I found out about Geass, was the whole reason you took me into your inner circle was because you couldn't delete my memory like you could have with the others?
No. You once offered to let me in (or at least let me know who you really were) of your own free will, right after I found out about C.C., even though I knew nothing of Geass back them. It's like, even knowing that you couldn't manipulate me anymore, you still trusted me. I may have only been a tool to you at the start, but right then, you trusted me.
But he didn't trust me at first, and I didn't trust him. The next few days we were on pins and needles around each other, both believing that if the other knew too much, we might have to……
Would we have done it? We're so close now…at least, I think we are. I don't know what he had planned for when he invited me to the clubhouse that day, but if things had gone very differently, our…relationship or whatever you could call it. It would have been over before it began.
Instead, we ended up in the middle of an impromptu welcome party planned by Milly Ashford. There were introductions all around, but I didn't really pay attention. Not until Nunnally came into the room. She was blind. She couldn't walk. She was weak, that's what all good Britannians would say. But these Britannians were treating her like an equal…more than an equal, she was their friend. I had never seen Britannians act like that before. Especially Lelouch. For the briefest of moments, seeing him with his sister made me miss my own brother so much, I almost teared up.
Come to think of it, it wasn't until that day that I made the first friends that were really my own age. When I was a kid, I almost always hanged out with my brother and his friends, the ones that eventually formed my resistance cell. But they were all way older than I. Naoto, he encouraged me to get friends my own age, but by then, Britannia had invaded. Most Japanese children were too afraid to play outside in the ghettos and the Britannian kids just made fun of a half-breed like me. But these members of the Student Council were somehow different.
Milly had a zest for life that is rarely seen. Nina, I found out later that she was a complete xenophobe, but she was intelligent and soft-spoken. Rival was, well, Rival. And then there was Shirley……is she really gone? Maybe Suzaku was just messing with me. No, even as he is now, he wouldn't do that. He just proved that by throwing away the Refrain...But anyway, Shirley was always so sweet and kind…until she caught Lelouch gambling or Rival in the middle of one of his crazy antics…like that day with the champagne…
The champagne. No one seemed to notice that a supposedly sick girl had lightning quick reflexes, but that didn't keep me from being soaked, and my opinion of Britannians was down in the gutter again. They lived in opulence while my people scraped away what little living they could. That's what I was thinking in the shower when Lelouch showed up with spare clothes. I saw an opportunity, and I took it, grabbing his wrist and shaking him down about Shinjuku. He merely told me I was stronger than I looked and dodged my questions before the phone rang.
A recording. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book, but I fell for it. I was asking questions to a recording. I got angry at a recording. And I pulled the shower curtain open over a recording. I was so flustered, I didn't even think about how lame his excuse was that his warning about Shinjuku was merely about online videos. Granted, maybe it was because my own excuse about the cease fire being part of a video game was equally lame.
To his credit, Lelouch tried to be a gentleman and not look. Ever since then, I've been alot more careful when it comes to showering (with mixed results, unfortunately). Lelouch said he wouldn't tell. Part of me didn't believe him, and I dreaded the rumors at school, but as the days went by, there was no mention of my little shower faux pax, which was good, because I had enough on my mind. I was meeting the voice at Tokyo Tower soon.
Now that I think about it, Lelouch, you not only didn't tell anyone about seeing me in the shower, but also about my uncharacteristic behavior. My unusual strength for a invalid or my sudden change from my usual demure manner. No one else seemed to know about it, aside from you, Lelouch. Maybe that's why our friendship was so much different than my friendships with the other Council members. You almost seemed to enjoy getting a rise out of me, of bringing that part of me to the forefront. I used to think you just drove me crazy, that you went out of your way to get under my skin. Remember when I once called you a smart ass, and you just looked at me and said, "Better than being a dumb ass." (I can't deny there is a certain logic to that statement.)
Yet, looking back, it was…refreshing being with you. All day at school, I had to play the poor sick girl. I never realized how stifling that was until I didn't have to be that way around you. Maybe you did it because you were also Zero and knew about my true personality…that I needed some kind of a release. But more likely, knowing you, Lelouch, you just liked screwing with me. Either way…I guess I'm…grateful? That can't be right.
That day at Tokyo Tower, I first met Zero. I mean, Lelouch is Zero, so I technically knew him already, but I didn't know the part that was Zero yet. Or did I? Ahhhh, it's too confusing when one person is two people! Damn, Lelouch.
He called me at Tokyo Tower. That's the first time he revealed himself as Zero over the caller I.D. We met on the train that ran between the city and the ghetto. Again, he claimed we could win, but not with terrorism. Not by attacking those who couldn't defend themselves. Our enemy was Britannia, not its people, the Britannians…the same Britannians I hated with all my heart.
I got angry. It was ridiculous to attack anyone except those that couldn't defend themselves. We didn't have the power to go directly against the Britannian military. But if we hurt enough people, killed enough people, eventually, they might give up, start to leave, and leave us with our own country again. Public opinion would force the Higher Ups to pull out, if only we had the strength to keep it up.
Lelouch. He grew with those Higher Ups. The Highest of the Higher Ups. He knew how they worked. Killing a few of their own people meant nothing to them. No amount of public sway would change that. The simple fact was those people at the top had all the power and still wanted more. To do that they needed more territory, which was easy enough to take with their superior Knightmare Frame technology. But Knightmares required SakuraDite, which was found mostly in Japan. So they would not leave, not until the SakuraDite ran out. No matter how many innocent people we killed.
Lelouch, you knew that. It seems so logical to me now. But I was a terrorist then, and logic doesn't work on terrorists. Only results. Lelouch knew that too, so he became Zero, and decided to show us a miracle. Ohgi and I were the only ones willing to believe in a miracle that day. I don't know why Ohgi came, but something about Zero stirred something in me. And I was surprised that it wasn't just that he promised victory. I think that was the first time I realized……I was getting tired of killing innocent people.
Somewhere in the back of mind, I always knew, I was taking away people's loved ones, their brothers just like Britannia took mine. I quieted those thoughts by saying it was poetic justice. But after listening to this man, Zero, I knew that it had bothered me far more than I had ever let on.
The miracle was the rescue of Private Kururugi. Of course, it was. Lelouch and Suzaku had been friends since they were kids. There was no way Lelouch would let Suzaku take the fall for killing Prince Clovis, especially since he was the one who did it. Lelouch would have undertaken this task with no help at all, and knowing him, he probably would have pulled it off. But there was no way I could have known all of that at the time, so I was skeptical. There were going to be Knightmares, and the media, and streams of the innocent bystanders that he claimed he did not wish to harm. There was simply NO WAY this could be done, especially not with a fake version of Prince Clovis' car and an empty poison gas container.
Yet you did Lelouch…or is it Zero? You must have used Geass to get that Knightmare pilot, Jeremiah, to let us go. Still, it was masterfully done. And you did it without killing people just like you said. That whole 'Orange' thing was a nice touch, too, even though it drove me crazy until you explained to me almost a year later that it had had absolutely no meaning all along.
My opinion of Zero skyrocketed that day…my opinion of you, Lelouch. 'With him, we can really win,' was the first thought in my head when we got back to the hideout. Yet Suzaku, he deplored the methods Zero had used, said as much and went marching back to his death. I later would come to admire Suzaku's principles, even if I didn't agree with them, but at that moment, I agreed with Zero. He was an idiot.
I didn't even know of the turmoil behind your mask, Lelouch, as you listened to your best friend shred your morals and walk away to almost certain execution. If I had known you then like I do now, what would I have done? It probably still would have been best if I didn't do anything. After all, every time I confront Lelouch, I seem to end up slapping him.
Our enemy wasn't the Britannians, but Britannia itself. Those words of Zero kept echoing through my head. Maybe that's why I started to go to school more. Maybe it's because the whole Kururugi rescue put the military on high alert, so I really didn't have much of a choice. Zero, unfortunately, during this time, became almost impossible to get in contact with (aside from the fact that I saw him in school pretty much every day). At any rate, over the next few weeks I decided that if I was going to follow this man, I needed to really get to know some Britannians. Little did I know that being assigned to the Student Council got me mixed up in the most atypical group of Britannians in all of the Empire. (I sometimes wonder if Milly specifically chose them for that very reason.) Still, the really scary thing was how well I fit in.
I've already said that they weren't like any group of Britannians that I had ever known. What floored me was when Lelouch admitted he was long time friends with the new transfer student, none other than Suzaku Kururugi. Milly, Shirley and Rival accepted him pretty much right away after that; Nina, on the other hand, took some time, but eventually warmed up to him (If only that feeling had extended to all 'Elevens.').
The main problem with going back to school was the almost immediate misconception that Lelouch and I were going out. Like I said, I found his presence annoying, yet refreshing at the same time, since he was always trying to draw me out of my shell, but there was nothing romantic about it. Then, one day, he grabbed me by the face; I thought he was going to kiss me: my first kiss. But then he stopped, just stopped. When I asked what he was doing, he simply said, "What, indeed," and let go. Then with a quick apology, he left me there, absolutely fuming. He had done it to me again. That man pissed me off to no end, yet at the same time, I almost felt a little disappointed.
I did NOT just think that. After all, it was just a misunderstanding. C.C. told me latter how he just grabbed me to prevent me from seeing her strolling about the campus. Which while I admit would have caused uncomfortable problems later on, I was a little confused as to why Lelouch would have worried that much about it at the time. After all, I had never seen C.C. at that point, so it's not like I would have recognized her. Turns out though she was wearing the same outfit that Lelouch had given to me after that…day in the bathroom. That, I admit would have sent up some Red Flags. Still, why does the fact that Lelouch lent C.C. the same clothes as me make me feel less…special? Ah, never mind.
Granted, maybe Lelouch didn't lend them to her. Maybe she just took what she wanted. She can be selfish that way after all. Of course, she is. Because she is C.C.…As much as it pains me to admit it, I wouldn't have her any other way.
My…situation with Lelouch only got worse after that. A cat got loose on campus with one of Lelouch's possessions. (Our own Arthur with Zero's helmet, C.C. later told me. The thought of that always makes me smile, even here in this cell.) The problem was that Milly organized a campus wide search for the cat with a special prize, a kiss from a Student Council member. I always knew I was admired from afar by most of the male student body at Ashford, I just never realized until then just how far a man will go to serve his libido. I'll admit, my opinion of Britannians again sank like a stone as I ran (as much a 'sick girl' could) to find the stupid cat. Fortunately, it was found by the tag-team of Lelouch and Suzaku. I breathed a sigh of relief when Nunnally was the one that gave them their prize. I had been sure I was screwed after the way Shirley and I had messed up the capture after we had gotten the cat cornered…
Shirley. Is she really gone? Was it Lelouch's doing? Both he and his Zero persona were always playing chess. I watched Lelouch playing once; he was always willing to make sacrifices in order to win. And as Zero, he once told me that sacrifices would be made, even innocent blood. But still, to sacrifice Shirley; Lelouch couldn't, wouldn't do that. Not voluntarily at any rate. Not that I'm one to talk. Not long after I met her, I nearly stabbed her for knowing my 'secret.' If she hadn't thought that my secret was some hush-hush affair with Lelouch, I would have killed her myself. She became one of my very best friends, and I would have murdered her before I even knew her……I'm horrible.
But wait! What if that's it? Lelouch. I can't see him killing Shirley. But he has gotten himself in pretty deep, and Shirley's awfully close to him. She's followed him before, I know that. Did she get too close to something? If so, Lelouch may not have killed her, but he's responsible. Or at least he'll think so. He's too soft about these things. What if he breaks down again…I'm not there for him this time…but C.C. is. I hate that, but if it's for Lelouch…C.C., please, don't let him break again…
Oh, why am I worrying about this? Suzaku's the one who told me Shirley was killed by Lelouch, and he clearly has some serious issues. I don't even know for sure that she's dead. Come on now, I was finally remembering some happier times. Maybe it's just denial, but until I know for sure, I won't let it beat me, especially without knowing if it's true. I'm stronger than that. I'm the Ace of the Black Knights, after all…Zero's knight. Ever since then…
It came as such a shock. It shouldn't have, but it did. The JLF, taking hostages, Britannian hostages, in order to achieve their goal, a goal I shared: a free Japan. Only a few weeks earlier, I wouldn't have given a damn. Hell, I may have even thought it was a brilliant move. But that was all before. Before I had met Zero. Before he showed me another way. Before three of my friends were among the hostages. My Britannian friends.
I knew the others wouldn't understand. Well, maybe Ohgi; he had been a teacher himself in his past life. Tamaki and the others though, they would have called me a traitor. But Zero, as I watched him listen to the impassioned plea from Shirley's father on the television, I somehow knew, he felt differently.
Of course you did Lelouch. They were you're friends, too. Is that why you acted with such an uncharacteristic lack of forethought? I think this is the only time that you, that Zero, acted without putting days or weeks of planning into it. Granted, you had unprecedented insight into the Britannian commander in charge of the operation. Cornelia, your sister. You knew she wouldn't move with your other sister, Euphemia, on the inside. I know now that you hated her; you hated them all for allowing your mother to die, for leaving Nunnally incapacitated. Still, you put that aside to save your friends.
It's that heart of yours that's your greatest weakness, Lelouch. It gets in the way of the brilliant mind of yours. Whenever those closest to you are in harm's way, you act too rashly. All your plans and stratagems fall apart.
If you weren't like that, I doubt I would have come back to you.
So we went strait up the center, and Cornelia let us through, probably thinking she could save her sister and kill both us and the JLF at the same time. Zero met with the leaders, and 'seeing the error of their ways,' they committed suicide, and the hostages were all free.
Yeah, right, Lelouch. As much as I have come to…admire you, sometimes, you still scare me with power of yours. The power of 'absolute command.' And when it's your friends being threatened, your ferocity is even greater than mine in my Guren.
Still, at the time, all I cared about was that I was a Knight. An ally of justice. I would help the weak, Japanese or no. I would protect my people, and I would protect my dear Ashford friends. And I would do it all with this man, whose voice now resonated with the hearts of all that lacked power: Zero.