Disclaimer: D. Gray Man belongs to Hoshino-sensei
Chapter 5: Drift
"I hate you."
Kanda was shocked. He never knew Lenalee as the kind of person to say such harsh things, at least not this directly. Even if she disliked something, if it was something like food or a certain playtime activity, she was just decline it politely and suggested something else. If it was something she couldn't control, like going to the routine tests, she would force herself to accept the situation, because she knew there was nothing she could do about it. He never heard her reject anything so strongly before. And it was directed at him.
"Lenalee, what are you talking about? Are you really okay?" Kanda didn't want to believe that Lenalee actually meant what she just said. They had been together for more than one year, almost two. She couldn't possibly hate him, could she?
"I HATE YOU!" Lenalee repeated herself, more strongly this time. "GET OUT!" She hated him now. She was sure that he played a part in causing all her current problems. She didn't want him around anymore. She wanted her brother. Her brother would understand everything she told him. He wouldn't question her like Kanda did.
"Lenalee…" Kanda said, more desperately this time. "You have to calm down, or you'll make yourself worse." He didn't want to see her like this. He had hoped that she'll be happy to see him, and they would be able to talk to each other again. Whatever was happening now was completely different.
"Who are you to order me around like that? In the end, you're the same as the others, do you think I would always listen to you?"
"I'm not ordering you around, Lenalee. I just want…"
"I'm telling you to get out. I don't want you around anymore. It's your fault. Everything which I am facing now is your fault. So just get out." Lenalee didn't bother to yell anymore. She was too mentally drained.
Kanda was rather relieved that Lenalee wasn't shouting anymore. Maybe she would be able to calm down if he chose his words carefully from now on. He didn't want her to say those painful words anymore. And he hoped even more that they were not true, that Lenalee said it due to her weak state, and she didn't mean what she said.
"Lenalee, I'm here to help you. I was hoping we could talk."
"I don't need your help. I need my brother. You're not my brother. I don't need you. Stop trying to act like you care. So just get out."
"Lenalee…I really do care…"
Lenalee didn't bother to listen to Kanda anymore. She couldn't trust him, not after what happened on the roof. He had said so before that he would help her, so why did he stop her when she tried to end this nightmare? Obviously, he never meant what he said.
"GET OUT!" and to emphasize her point, Lenalee grabbed the glass of water beside her bed and threw it at him.
Kanda saw the glass cup flying towards him and it was only through his training that he was able to avoid being hit by it. It flew past him, hitting the wall behind. The cup shattered.
The Head Matron stood outside the Ward, hoping that the children are having a nice conversation. However, after one minute or two, she heard shouting and not long after that, the sound of breaking glass. She quickly opened the door and ran in, praying that there were no injuries.
Kanda turned as he heard the door open and saw the Head Matron run in. She must have heard the sound when the cup broke.
The Head Matron turned towards him.
"Are you hurt?"
"No." Even though he sound calm, Kanda was shaken up inside, trying to process what just happened. Lenalee never used violence before, and never against him. Did she really hate him that much? Just because he was not her brother?
After making sure that Kanda was not hurt, the Head Matron then turned away, moving towards Lenalee, trying to calm her down. She didn't expect things to turn out like this. Did she actually make a wrong decision bringing him here? Now, not only did Lenalee not get better, she actually became worse. And Kanda had to be subjected to a very bad experience as well. Quite clearly, she was unable to understand Lenalee at all. It was all her fault.
"Maybe you should leave, Kanda." She said, with her back facing him. As Head Matron, she was too guilty to face him right now. Instead of healing, she had caused more hurt instead.
She received no answer, but heard the door open and close.
Kanda ran out of the Ward, holding back the tears that were threatening to spill over. Judging from her behaviour and actions in the Ward, he could tell that Lenalee really hated him now. Because he stopped her, and because he wasn't her brother. He never regretted stopping Lenalee from killing herself. He cared for her, and it would be utterly foolish to allow her to jump. However, he regretted, hated himself even, for not being able to do anything significant to help her as she went into depression. If he was able to do something, maybe she wouldn't even think of suicide in the first place. And everything would not be as it is now. In the end, he was unable to do anything.
Reaching his room, Kanda went inside and locked the door. He didn't want anyone disturbing him, or seeing him like this. He had to be strong. So that he would be able to do something. For himself, and Lenalee's sake.
A week passed, and it was only through the nurses' constant efforts that Lenalee was well enough to leave the ward. By unbeknownst to the nurses, Lenalee had been trying to get well too. Not because she found hope, but because her goal was to leave the ward. It was for her plan.
A week ago, after Kanda left the ward, the Head Matron had cleaned up all the glass on the floor, or so she thought. In her hurry, she had missed one piece which had slid near the table beside the bed. Lenalee had found it when her bed sheets were being changed later in the day. Sitting in her chair, she had looked downwards and found the glass piece. A plan started to form in her mind.
She had waited until the nurse turned to deposit the bed sheet into the laundry basket before quickly bending down and picking up the medium sized piece of glass. Then she hid it inside her clothes. Now, all she needed to do was to get well, so she could leave the ward. And end the nightmare.
Once Lenalee left the Ward, she was brought to Hevlaska for testing once more. She obliged. She needed the Finders to think that she was finally being obedient, so she could take action when her chance came.
A few days passed before her chance finally came. Given her good behaviour the past few days, the Finders decided that Lenalee would probably not hide or run away from them anymore. They finally let their guard down and allowed her to go into the washroom by herself.
Once Lenalee entered the washroom, she quickly closed the door behind her and locked it. Now no one would be able to disturb her. Taking out the piece of glass, she looked at it, trying to find the sharpest edge. If she couldn't kill herself by jumping, then she would just try to bleed to death. It was quieter.
Gritting her teeth in concentration, she put the glass to her wrist and applied pressure, trying hard not to gasp too loudly at the pain that she felt. She had made a rather deep cut. After five minutes, she found that she felt giddy and was slowly losing consciousness.
Soon…this nightmare would end soon.
Then the world faded to black.
The Finders waited impatiently outside the washroom. Lenalee was taking too long.
"She's taking too long. I think we should go and check." One of the Finders said.
"Maybe she's just being slow, girls are like that sometimes." The other Finder replied. He had a daughter at home, he knew what it was like.
"I don't think so. She never took that long, and it's quite possible that she could have somehow run away again."
"But she was so obedient the past few days."
"It could be a decoy. I'm going in." Opening the door, he realised one of the doors were locked. Thinking that he might have made a mistake, he almost left the washroom, until he saw the blood on the floor.
"Rick! Get the nurses! We have an emergency!" He shouted outside before proceeding to climb over the door and unlocking it.
Rick heard the shout and ran for the Medical Ward. Luckily for them, it wasn't too far away.
Everything was dark. Lenalee wondered if that was what death actually felt like. She wanted to stay here, taking comfort in the darkness. But it wasn't long before she was jolted back into reality.
The first thing she registered was the noise. The nurses were moving around her, checking her status and her wound. Then she tried to move, and found that she couldn't. They had tied her down. One of the nurses noticed her movement.
"Oh, you're awake already? It's good that we got there in time. We can't afford to lose you after all. Now, no more thinking of trying to kill yourself, okay?"
It's not good at all. Why can't you come later and just leave me there to die?
Lenalee hated it. Why can't she die no matter how hard she tried? Now, she can't move at all. What can she do now?
"I want to go home." Now, all she can do is plead and hope they listen.
A few days had passed. Kanda had not seen Lenalee since she shouted at him almost two weeks ago. Trying to push the incident out of his mind, he had decided to focus on his training and was making progress at summoning his First Illusion. His Master had told him not to rush it, but besides training, he pretty much had nothing to do.
When he was not training though, he would be walking around the Order, mostly to the Infirmary. He had heard that Lenalee had been readmitted. But he never dared to walk in, so he always watched from a distance, sometimes directly opposite the Ward but most of the times, from above. He always watched the door, observing the nurses' behaviour, sometimes the Finders, to deduce Lenalee's condition.
At the same time, he had also noticed that the Science Department had been very busy. They were constantly moving around, carrying things, packing things into boxes. He decided to ask Marie. With his acute hearing, Marie knew everything that was going around in the Order. And that was when Kanda found out that Leverrier was leaving. He had been promoted and was leaving for Central. Someone else would take his place.
Kanda didn't know whether he should feel happy at the news. Leverrier had always been the source of Lenalee's fear and most of her troubles. Would she be happy to know about it? But he didn't dare to go and tell her. She might not even care now. She might get angry at him again. So he stayed far away from the Medical Ward, watching from a distance.
It was only two days later did something different happen from the usual routine. Instead of seeing the Finders outside the Ward, there was no Finder in sight. Instead, Kanda saw two nurses bringing someone to the Ward. Someone he had never seen before. And that someone was wearing a white coat bearing the rose cross.
Is he the new supervisor? And why is he walking towards the Medical Ward? There's no one in there except Lenalee.
Curious about the new visitor and his business in the Ward, Kanda waited until the person entered the room and the departure of the nurses before he ran as quietly and as quickly as he could to the door. He slowly pushed open the door, and he heard,
"This is your home now. I'm sorry I took so long, Lenalee."
The new Supervisor, Lenalee's brother?
Then he heard Lenalee cry, not in sadness, but in happiness and relief. That was when he understood.
He was an idiot.
I mean, I wouldn't mind having another older brother, if that's okay with you.
That was what Lenalee had said two years back. But when she said it, she only wanted a friend, not another older brother. No one could replace her brother. He understood that now. And he was such a hopeful idiot to believe that sentence, trying to hard to help her. She didn't need him at all. All she needed was her own brother. No wonder she rejected him earlier.
Kanda turned and walked away quietly, careful not to disturb the people inside.
Marie was in the dojo, training with General Tiedoll. It was one of the rare times that Tiedoll was free and he was wondering if he should ask Kanda to join him or just leave his younger student to his own devices. Children should have their own free time.
Just as Tiedoll was pondering his decision, the door to the dojo opened and Kanda walked in. Tiedoll was about to greet his younger student and ask him if he wanted to join in, but quickly noticed the rather upset expression on his face.
"Yuu-kun, is there anything wrong?" Tiedoll asked, walking up to his younger student. He had never seen Kanda this upset before.
Tiedoll received no answer from his student and was about to say something else when Kanda reached out, grabbed onto his coat, and started crying. Tiedoll was shocked. His student was crying, and he didn't know why.
He looked to Marie for some guidance, and receiving a negative answer from his older student, Tiedoll settled for hugging Kanda to offer him some comfort. His questions would have to wait.
Kanda had felt better afterwards, but he refused to tell his master what had happened. Whatever happened was because he was too hopeful and too naïve. He had mistakenly opened up his heart to someone who didn't really need it and he got himself hurt in the end. He was determined not to repeat the same idiotic mistake. For now, it was over between him and Lenalee. They should just remain as acquaintances. And it would be the same for everyone else after this.
After Komui's arrival, Lenalee had stuck to him for close to three weeks. Her synchronisation rates rose suddenly with no problems and it wasn't long before she was put to her own training. Kanda had also started on his own missions, so things got quite hectic afterwards. As a result, Lenalee did not have many chances to talk to Kanda at all. So for a long time, she remained unaware of the rift which had been driven between them. The incidents were forgotten.
It was only until many years later did Lenalee realize that Kanda was not as close to her compared to before, and that was when she realised that it was the consequences of those incidents that she had pushed away from her mind. She made an effort to talk to Kanda more after this, but to no avail. He wasn't rude to her, which was good. However he was too formal, like she was just another colleague, not the childhood friend she had grew up with. He wouldn't speak to her unless spoken to and it was considered an achievement to even get a full sentence out of him. Then things got hectic again, with her new duties and all. And the incidents were forgotten once again. The rift kept widening.
Pika318: To anyone who is reading this, I know the last section kind of sucks, it's my attempt at the epilogue. Yes, this is the last chapter. I'll like to thank everyone who clicked on my story, thus showing their interest in this.
I'll also like to give a big THANK YOU to MidgetJas, M.A.Y.4, Gabby123, SlientDeathReaper, leriko, Daytime Stars and MiyaloutheStorm for putting my story under Alerts and Favourites. It shows how much you care for my story. And an even bigger THANK YOU again to M.A.Y.4 and fireykaigurl for reviewing.