His meeting with Deidara hadn't even started and he was already developing a migraine. He didn't know how to explain his plan to the bomber without ending up with a blown up office (plus, he was rather proud of how he had decorated it), but no matter how he turned it over, there was no way his idea was going to get the approval of the blond. The red head lamented how he should've thought of it before changing the wallpaper. Ah well…
He heard a knock on the door and looked up. Konan had returned with Deidara and Tobi, both looking confused. They had finished all of their dedicated missions and had expected a short break; being attributed a new task so soon was rather unusual. Both ninja stood before him and bowed before taking a seat. Konan stood behind Pein. The latter took a deep breath before starting.
"Deidara. You are aware that Konohagakure takes you for dead." Deidara nodded. "I've been informed that team Kakashi, including Kyubi's receptacle, are about to leave the village in about a week. However, their destination remains unknown. The only certainty is that they'll have to stop at Oak village during their trip, as it is at the fork of all roads leading to other hidden villages."
Deidara nodded again. He had no idea where this conversation would end.
"I would like you and Tobi to spy on them during their stay at Oak village." Deidara nodded again. "Okay, Leader-sama."
"However, due to Kakashi's sharingan, all use of genjutsu would be futile. Simple disguise would be required."
"No problem", Deidara answered calmly. He had already been on those kinds of missions and had had occasions to build up his spying skills.
"But in order not to attract attention on your true identity, we figured out it would be better for you to… erm…" Dear God, this is going to be tough…
Deidara blinked. "Leader-sama, is there anything wrong?" Deidara asked anxiously. Pein waved his hand slowly, dismissively.
"Deidara. Here's your costume." He took out a deep purple kimono with a pale pink-lined flower design. Deidara stared blankly at it.
"Pardon?" His voice remained composed; Pein assumed he hadn't taken in the meaning of it all. He sighed again, wishing things wouldn't get too complicated.
"Deidara, it's not as bad as you think-" Deidara stood up so fast his chair had fallen in process.
"Of course it isn't. It's worth! You consider me as an incompetent, girlish ninja! How am I supposed to take that?" Deidara cried out. Tobi, who hadn't understood everything well, kept turning his head from Pein to Deidara, completely clueless.
"Deidara, we need you and Tobi to follow Team Kakashi without taking any risk for them to recognise you. If you're disguised as a woman-" Deidara's cheeks were turning a bright shade of crimson. Tobi gasped.
"So Deidara-sempai is not a lady already?" POW! The masked man was now sprawled on the floor, knocked out. Deidara's breathing had quickened.
"Out of question. No way. Absolutely not." Deidara added curtly. Pein got to his feet, now getting royally pissed off. He was the Akatsuki leader, after all.
"Deidara. Go to the back room. Change. Now." He growled menacingly, thrusting the kimono in Deidara's hands. "Konan, go help him put it on." Konan followed Deidara wordlessly through a little door near Pein's bureau while the artist was muttering profanities under his breath. Pein's head dropped exhaustedly while he heard the blond changing with Konan to assist him.
"Okay Deidara, start stripping."
"Deidara, kimono's aren't easy to dress in, especially if you've never tried one before."
"C'mon, Deidara, pull off your trousers."
"My, aren't we shy today. Okay, just your shirt then."
"I'll wave to see you half naked anyways in order to help you wear it, you now."
"Leave me alone!"
"Deidara, that's enough. If you don't stop acting like this, we'll never get it on."
"Fine for me."
After three aspirins and nearly half an hour later, Pein got to see Deidara smarting his new kimono and a sulky look on his face. The blond had let his long hair down, and Pein had to admit, his beauty was astounding. He coughed, careful not to say anything that may either hurt, or irritate, or both, the artist. Talk about walking on thin ice…
"Very well Deidara. Now we may pass to the second phase of your preparation." Unfortunately, Tobi chose this precise moment to wake up.
"Urgh… My heeaaad… Sempai, is that you? You suuuuuure are pretty." Pein's eyes widened. Tobi had said the "P" word. Deidara was eying him murderously.
"Deidara-" Pein started tiredly. Too late. The blond had already thrown himself onto the masked idiot and was proceeding into throttling him.
"Deidara, your kimono!" Conan squealed.
It took both Pein and Konan to "peel" Deidara off Tobi. Luckily, the kimono hadn't been damaged in process. Losing no time to explain, Pein took advantage of his proximity to catch Deidara by the throat and lay a seal upon it. Deidara started to scream in pain and surprise, but his voice was fading into silence. Pein released him, black markings slowly disappearing where his hand had laid. Deidara panted, unable to produce a single sound anymore. He panicked and grasped his neck. Pein helped him up, trying to sound as gentle as possible. The Aka-Iwa nin was already hyperventilating.
"Sorry Deidara, I had to use a freezing spell upon your vocal cords as an extra precaution. In case they recognise you from your voice…"
Deidara was still gasping in pain, as if something big was stuck into his throat. He tried to stand up, but fell back on the floor, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Tobi started to freak out.
"Seimpai! What's happening to you?" he squeaked. Konan kneeled beside Deidara, pushing him lightly back to the floor.
"Deidara, take it easy. Take deep breaths… There…" Deidara closed his eyes and tried to calm down. It took him a few minutes before his breathing was back to normal. Once he was alright again, Konan steered him back to his chair before resuming her place behind Pein. The pierced man entwined his fingers before him before picking off from where he'd left.
"Back to business. I will now point out some details of your new identity. Your name is Minako Tendo. You come from a little village close from Konoha, and your family specialises in pottery. You're coming to Oak village to sell home-made products with Tobi. Off you go." Pein and Deidara sighed heavily, as one. Finally…
Deidara stomped grouchily to the door, still wearing his kimono. Tobi trailed him wordlessly after bowing to Leader-sama and apologising for his Sempai's bad mood.
Deidara had reached the door when Pein called after him, just when he thought things couldn't get worse.
"One more thing, Deidara."
The artist turned back to eye him darkly. What now? Pein took yet another deep breath. Uh oh. Not good, not good, not good.
"Congratulations Deidara. You're now married to Tobi."
Deidara screamed inwardly.
A/N: first chapter! You asked for I, you have it (-;
Just a little thing, Minako is the real name of Sailor Venus in Sailor Moon. I chose her name for two reasons: Minako's similarity with Deidara (blond hair, blue eyes, usually cheerful personality) and the fact that she reminds me of one of my favourite cousins, Laila. Even though she's not interested in Naruto, I still dedicate this chapter to my "fuzzy bunny" (inside joke).