Incident in the Mess Hall by AndromedaMarine
Author's Note: Written at the request of and for the title prompt given by sparklyshimmer2010.
It was all Ronon's fault. Well, not just Ronon – Evan, Radek and John had helped too. But it was mostly Ronon. Rodney glared his most evil and hating glare yet at everyone who moved out of his way but still snickered and smirked at him from behind their hands. Damn Ronon. The yellow paint dripped off Rodney, making his hair plaster to his neck in the most uncomfortable way. He wiped the paint away from his eyes, blinking so he could see his way to his quarters. Damn Ronon. Damn John, and Evan, and Radek. But damn Ronon more. His breaking point came when Elizabeth literally bumped into him, sending him to the floor. She didn't help him up – instead she stared down her own front. Paint transfer. Specifically, yellow paint transfer. Damn Ronon and damn lemons.
Two Hours Earlier, in the Mess Hall
"You sure it'll trigger right?" John asked Radek for the fortieth time, glancing questioningly up at the inconspicuous bucket of yellow paint that was suspended over the doughnut table. Not coincidentally, the doughnut table had a sign posted right above it that declared, "Property of Dr. M. Rodney McKay." Ronon's idea, of course.
The Satedan gave the paint bucket a dangerous smile, thinking back to when Rodney's ascension stint had become "Fatman and Ronon." But it was John's fault he'd been exposed to practical jokes in the first place.
"Yes, I am sure it will trigger properly. I did this prank to many of my college classmates when they picked on me."
John gave a low, impressed whistle. "You have a rebellious side?"
The Czech pushed his glasses up his nose and shook the fluffy grey hair out of his eyes. "It's hidden, but yes." He smiled.
"Sir, are you sure Rodney won't completely blow up?" Evan asked, joining the colonel and the Czech.
"It's John off-duty, Evan. He'll get over it in a few days. Maybe a week." He glanced up at the bucket of paint again. "He needs to learn how to laugh. It might take him a couple of months, but he'll be laughing about this with the rest of us in a while." He clapped Evan's shoulder and went off to join Ronon, who was still grinning dangerously at his little plan for Fatman.
Elizabeth strolled in, and immediately saw the sign addressed to Rodney. "John..." she started, swiveling to find him looking up. She followed his gaze to the still-inconspicuous bucket. "I don't think..." John's hand found hers and he pulled her toward him.
"Come on. It'll be funny."
He kissed her nose. "Please?" he asked, his puppy-dog eyes mock-begging with his wife.
She sighed, and looked back up at the paint. "Fine. But you and your group of pranksters are cleaning up right after. No excuses."
Radek came over. "It's a special paint that will not adhere to these surfaces," he declared proudly. "A formula that I designed. It will, however, stay on the doughnuts and on Rodney."
"Speaking of which, where is our old friend?"
John stared at her in disbelief. "Do you really have to ask that?"
Ronon, John, Evan, and Radek all nodded.
"It's a good thing I had Kate plan another base rest day for tomorrow," she said with a gleam in her eye.
"That's why you canceled our mission!" John said, tickling Elizabeth's stomach.
She nodded. "Radek, how can you be sure nobody else will trigger it?" she eyed the bucket with nervousness and apprehension. "I mean, obviously some people are going to try to steal the doughnuts addressed to Rodney."
Radek smiled a smile Elizabeth would have placed on a mad scientist. Well, Radek could qualify... "It's a remote trigger that is programmed to Rodney's DNA. And if I'm not mistaken, he's the only Rodney McKay on base." He smiled proudly up at his and Ronon's prank.
The Fatman and Ronon Spectacular Incident in the Mess Hall.
Fast-forward One Hour and Fifty Five Minutes
Rodney was starving. He couldn't believe it when he walked into the commissary and saw a table – a table – full of doughnuts. Then he saw the sign and he nearly fainted. Property of Dr. M. Rodney McKay. Oh, he was in heaven. He made a beeline for the table, but was suddenly blocked by the Satedan.
"Excuse me, Conan, I'm trying to reach those doughnuts. You're in my way." He glared up at Ronon.
"Sure. Can I have one too?"
"What? Yes, yes, go ahead." Ronon gave Rodney a quick smile before darting to the table and snatching five of the treats. He backed up away from the table pretty quickly, and Rodney eyed him suspiciously as he resumed his beeline.
He heard the collective gasp through the mess hall and a split second later he knew what they were all losing breath about. The bucket tipped precariously at first, and then it sent a cascade of lemon-scented yellow paint down onto Rodney and the table of doughnuts reserved specifically for him. It was only after he blinked away the paint from his eyes that he saw that nobody sat close to the table. And then his eyes found Ronon. He awkwardly stalked toward the Satedan, paint-soaked pants getting in the way.
"You," he hissed.
Ronon chuckled. "If you're going to blame me you better blame Lorne, Zelenka, and Sheppard, too." He bit into the doughnut and chewed, smiling. "Want a doughnut?" He held up an un-contaminated treat and waved it in front of Rodney.
But the Canadian didn't snatch it away. "You messed with the wrong scientist, you lame-ass sidekick."
Doing an un-Ronon-like thing the Satedan put up his hands in mock fright. "Your sidekick, remember?"
Rodney gave him a puzzled look that would have been more effective if yellow paint hadn't been dripping off his chin.
"Fatman and Ronon." He smiled again, and the room exploded into applause.
"Batman and Ronon," Rodney corrected, getting within an inch of Ronon's face. "You messed with the wrong scientist." He stalked away, only to run smack into Elizabeth, who exploded into laughter after she took one look at Rodney and the paint transfer on her uniform.
It only took two weeks for Rodney to laugh about the Fatman and Ronon Spectacular Incident in the Mess Hall. But Rodney did have retribution for Ronon, however. Fortunately for Rodney, the Daedalus was in orbit. And Hermiod was Rodney's best Asgard friend.
Ronon woke the next morning to find all his stuff gone – and replaced with everything from Radek's room. Radek woke to a similar predicament.