Written for 2008's NaruGaa Spamming Day !

Disclaimers: If I'd own Naruto… I wouldn't be doing looong studies for a job that bores me already! XD

Thanks: to my beta, CardcaptorEternity, who once again will save this story from being a torture for the eyes and grammar-trained brain of the reader. She works hard for that! (and makes me work hard too… \rubs whip scars/)

CCE: Monkey feathers, I'm not really gonna try to fix the grammar in her author's notes…geez…(and I do not whip her!! I prefer mental torture…cackles)Ed: yeah, if mental torture is making fun of me via my grammar mistakes, she's totally into that! MEANIE! It's just how I express my love.

Note: This story is for Batty Angel. She insisted for art featuring 'clowns' and 'vampires', and as I was wondering how the f… to draw clownish vampires, this popped in my mind. So, thank you, Batty!

Warnings: Pure Crackiness. And also, this story made fun of vampire folklore and stories in general, so don't be mad at me if you're a rabid Vampire Fan! I like them too…it's kind of a homage. Yeah, a parody one. \sweats/

And also, there's an allusion to violence made on clowns. So if you're a clown lover…

O.o Clown violence. It's the clowniest!! Lol…I watch too much Avatar…speaking of which, it's back on tv --walking ad--

Marital life with a Vampire:

Spring nights could be unnaturally cold in Konoha City. And yet one window, the only one in a mass of towering buildings, was mocking the coldness of the night air by staying opened. Alas, a vicious blast was not amongst the most dangerous things that urban nights could hold, especially in Konoha City. A closer look in the apartment with the open window would prove that.

Through the window, one would be able to see a small bedroom that was brightly illuminated by the full moon. A bump was visible in the left side of the double sized bed, indicating the presence of one person. Except for a slight rising and falling movement from the bump, and the slight fluttering of the curtains, everything was still.

The curtains suddenly breezed forwards, and the room darkened visibly. Then a tall shadow moved away from the window, letting the light it was blocking invade the place once more.

The moon's light uncovered the shadow as the figure of a man with pale eyes, unnaturally pale skin and spiky red hair. He was wearing leather pants, a blood red shirt and a black jacket. One would say that he was 'dressed to kill', and unfortunately that was literally the case.

Or rather, that would have been, a few years ago.

The redhead man spared a careful glance toward thebump lying in bed, and began to silently make his way through the room. He stopped when he reached the side of the bed where the man –as it was a man, young and blonde haired- slumbered. The predator of the night eyed him hungrily and silently lowered himself until his face was inches away from the sleeping man's.

Then he slightly pecked the blonde's cheek and tiptoed to his side of the bed.

The Vampire –Gaara- walked across Naruto –the blonde man-'s flat, taking off his jacket and boots. By now he knew every creak and squeak the wooden floor could make so he was quite silent. He closed the window, annoyed at the slight thumping noise it produced. It bothered him to no end that he had to slink through the window of their own apartment like a common thief, but even at night it was too dangerous to pass the main entrance of the building.

Indeed, the architect had the unfortunate idea to plaster the hall with mirrors, which made it near impossible for Gaara to set foot there. If someone were to walk in while Gaara was still here, the person would immediately feel his brain trying to split itself in two halves.

There would be one half of the brain calmly informing its owner that according to the information delivered by the eyes, there was a tall redhead standing in the Hall.

The other half of the brain would, in a bit of an alarmed tone, inform its owner that according to the eyes and the fucking mirrors, there was nobody in the Hall.

And during that schizophrenic moment, above it all there would be the primitive, I-Will-Survive part of the brain that would shout to just get the fuck out of the building already.

Besides, the janitor was a friggin psychopath. Last time he had tried to sneak in through the normal entrance, the madman had emptied a full spray of D-Bug Tox® right on his face. True, he was in his bat form then, but what kind of barbarian would treat a cute Pipistrelle that way? He should have put PETA on his case.

After hanging his jacket, he proceeded to peel off his pants, wincing all the time at how fucking loud leather was. He would have gladly ditched what was considered to be the Modern Vampire Attire (leather pants and all), since he used them only on typical Vampires Hunt Field (nightclubs and bars). However going to nightclubs to feed was now a big NO NO for a jealous Naruto, and it was not as if he needed leather pants outside of that didn't he?

On the other hand, Neji Hyuuga and the Uchihas were already frowning upon his recent change of behaviour; he did not need to be caught roaming the night wearing sweatpants.

Once nude, he quickly put on his Batman PJs (a gag gift from Kiba who, like all of Naruto's friends, was freakishly accepting of the whole Vampire thing) and slipped in the covers. Since he had fed he was all warm, and Naruto immediately tried to tangle his –cold- feet into his legs. But it was because of him that his husband had to leave the window open, resulting in an unusually cold bedroom, so he did not protest. He did kick the frog-shaped hot water bottle out of the bed, though.

That was one of the things of marital life: compromises have to be made, all the time. Naruto had to put up with his nightly absences and having to leave the window open, and he had to put up with cold feet and a frog themed bedroom.

Gaara smiled in the dark. He had never been happier in his whole Undead Life.

Of course, some compromises were harder to make than others: take the biting, for instance. After witnessing one of his 'feeding' sessions, and the…interesting effect it had on his prey, Naruto had made his point known, very loudly: no more biting young – and questionable- virgins ("I don't care how wide they open their windows or how frilly their nightgowns are; ya ain't sticking yer mouth on those stupid flirty cows anymore 'ttebayo!").

When he had asked if that meant he could still hunt men in clubs, the answer had been as vehement ("Hell NO!"). The vampire had pleaded that it was traditional, that he was not affected himself, that he loved Naruto and only him, that the Queen of The Damned would not been pleased if he changed his ways, but his jealous, –and irate- husband had refused to concede that point.

Now he realized his mistake, typical from all stunt men with little experience in relationships like him. He should have argued that he loved Naruto and only him, before mentioning all the 'logical' arguments that never helped to win in a lover's quarrel. And he shouldn't have bothered to mention his Clan Leader, Naruto was not impressed by her. He couldn't blame him, nobody took a Queen of the Damned with pink hair seriously.

The trouble was that since Gaara would not allow himself to feed on Naruto's blood, they nearly reached an impasse. The redhead did not want to drink from animals, because it would take days to take all the hair out of his teeth and besides, it was not as nourishing as human fluids. He was able to control himself enough not to kill his prey, but Naruto didn't want him to feed from children and for Gaara, an old person's blood was as inviting as flat beer.

It was a lose-lose situation. On one hand, he had a very precious person he did not want to be unhappy because of him, and on the other hand, if he did not drink blood regularly he would, well, not die, but suffer from very tedious consequences.

It was rumored amongst the vampires that if one went without blood for too long, they start losing their hair and their frames became progressively twisted and bumpy. Gaara had the occasion to verify that first-hand: he once underwent a 'rebellious' period in the late sixties (as it was fashionable then) and, rejecting the Vampire Code, he stopped drinking blood.

He still hasn't managed to grow his eyebrows back.

He shifted a little, raising his hand to slightly caress the blonde's cheek. It has taken days of discussion and arguing, but Naruto has finally agreed that he could continue feeding from humans. But the only way to appease his jealousy was to promise that he'll feed only from the most unattractive embodiment of human physique, born to be forever ridiculed and scorned.

Naruto's eyes opened and he smiled at him. Gaara retracted his hand guiltily. He loved it when his boyfriend was awake to greet him once he went back, but he did not like being the one to wake him. He could go on with little sleep, but not Naruto.

The blonde drift closer to him, nuzzling his cheek, and Gaara let go of his guilt to fully enjoy the happy place that was Naruto's arms.

But suddenly the redhead felt his lover lean back a little, and warm puffs of air tingled on his cheek. Naruto was laughing.

"What is it?" he asked. Being a vampire and the epitome of sexiness apparently did not prevent one from feeling self-conscious.

"Oh, love," Said Naruto, trailing his fingers on Gaara's cheek and raising them in front of his lover's eyes. The pads were white from what Gaara knew was face paint. "Apparently you still can't eat cleanly".

The redhead frowned and rubbed his face, slightly miffed. Not only his new food was demeaning as prey for a vampire, it was also dirtying.

'Bloody Clowns.'

The End

I hope that made sense, in a non-sense way!

The 'common pipistrelle' is a kind of very small bat that can be found around my place. It's very small and mega-cute (what else for Gaara-chan? XD)

And yeah, the Queen of the Damned is Haruno Sakura. (which explains why the Vampires in her Clan are Uchihas and Hyuugas… she kind of love the dark, brooding type)

You'll find more about her, because I fully intend to write a bit more on that married vampire theme (and still in parody) once my exams are over! I had too much fun writing this first one-shot! I also must write about how our lovebirds met. Trust me, it's teh cutest thing evah!

Next! : Enter the Queen of the Damned: Meeting the in-laws!

Or

Next! : The Prince and the Pipistrelle: In the hands of my savior! (or, more simply: how they meet)

Good NaruGaa Day to you all!