This is a friendfic inspired by my twin Shilom and her story "No One Can Save You Now."


Jack Sparrow had hardly turned the handle of the front door before a tall man forced his way into the house. "You!" the man snarled, holding up a penknife.

"Hold on, mate!" Jack said, stumbling back. "What did I do this time, Commodore?"

James Norrington's eyes were flashing fiercely as he glared at Jack and his expression was livid. "What did you do?" he repeated. "'No One Can Save You Now'—ring a bell?" Jack winced as he remembered a story his wife was writing that involved Jack torturing James. "Ah, so you do know what I'm talking about!"

Jack held up his hands as James advanced on him again. "Whoa, Norrington, hold on, that wasn't me." James arched an eyebrow. "Just as it wasn't you who tortured me, nor me who returned the favor."

"Where is she?" James said with a growl.

Jack coughed. "Um…upstairs…writing…" James took a step toward the staircase, but Jack stepped in front of him. "Shilom was only getting back at you for what you did in your wife's story."

"Then she should have tortured Leila—now stand aside!"

"I believe that you should have just as much of a grudge against your own wife, if not more of one," Jack pointed out, eyeing the penknife in James' hand warily.

"Do you think I'm a complete idiot?" James said with a sort of insane chuckle. "Leila has far worse up her sleeve than what she has done to you and me. If I even attempt revenge, or to just lessen the amount of pain she writes…I'm a dead man! I'm worse than a dead man!" James' eyes flashed. "Besides, your wife has been crueler than mine of late."

"I think you're just getting numb to everything Leila does to you," Jack said, taking a slight step away from James.

"Step aside, Jack," James hissed. "Unless you want a repeat of Chapter 32 of Rise of Libertas," he added darkly.

Jack gulped. "Listen, mate, you're not thinking straight…come on and let's open a bottle of rum and talk, eh? You know, calm down a bit?" Jack said nervously.

"Jack, did you—."

Jack put a hand to his head as he heard his wife coming down the steps. Shilom stopped abruptly when she saw James.

"James!" Shilom smiled nervously. "Hi—um—is Leila here, too?"

"No," James said quietly. "Come down here—I have something to give you," James requested with a sinister grin.

Jack glanced back as Shilom coughed and began backing up the stairs. "I'm…I'm busy at the moment."

"Oh, really?"

Jack gasped as a strong hand grasped his arm painfully. He bit his lip when he realized that he had a knife to his throat.

"So you don't have any time to talk, Shilom?" James hissed in Jack's ear as he pressed the blade against his neck. "Not even to rescue your husband?" Jack trembled as he felt the blade of the penknife lightly trail across his cheek. "What are you writing, Shilom? Just curious." The penknife suddenly sliced into Jack's cheek and Jack felt blood slowly move down his face. The penknife then traced a line up to Jack's ear. "Perhaps something about a lost tip of an ear? Or worse…" Jack tried to pull away as James then ran the penknife down the length of Jack's body, halting at his stomach and pointing downwards. "Perhaps a loss of manhood?"

Shilom's eyes widened and she pointed to the paper she was holding in her shaking hand. "It was a joke!" she said quickly.

"A joke? No one jokes about something like that," James growled.

The door opened behind them. "Apparently my twin does."

James turned, pulling Jack along with him, to look at the speaker. "Leila, darling!" James exclaimed with a vaguely nervous smile.

Leila arched an eyebrow. "You didn't bother reading the rest of the story."

"As if it could get better…"

"It did. Jack was joking about you being 'incomplete.'"

"Doesn't matter," James said after a moment. "I was still tortured, remember?" When Leila sighed, James added, "I thought that you were the only one who was allowed torture me."

Leila's eyes flashed and flickered up to look at Shilom. "True," she said shortly, a dark look flitting over her face, but vanishing as quickly as it had come. "So come along and allow me to 'torture' you, my dear James," Leila said with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. She looked up at Shilom. "Sorry about him, but you really should be more careful in what you write. You never know what I may write in return." She looked back at her husband. "James…"

James grumbled and handed Leila the penknife. "I'm not forgetting what she wrote," James said as Leila cleaned the blade.

"It's over, love."

"I'm not forgetting it," James repeated, shooting a glare at Jack.

Leila walked over and took James by the hand. "Hopefully our next visit will be more enjoyable," she said to Jack.

Shilom suddenly asked, "When you said that you had worse planned for James in 'All Shall Fade,' what did you mean?"

Leila grinned evilly. "That would be spoiling the story, wouldn't it?"

"A hint?"

Leila walked up to meet her on the stairs and whispered something in her ear. Shilom gasped. "You are evil!"

"I know!" Leila said with a giggle.

"Your own husband?"

The two spoke in hushed voices as they headed up the stairs away from their husbands. James moaned and put his head in his hands. "Damn. I'm dead."

Jack wiped blood from his cheek and glared at James. "Sure you don't deserve it, mate?"

James winced. "About all this…I'm sorry."

"My wife was expressing herself through her writing and you came her to try and kill her," Jack said with a glare.

"If I'm to be blamed for what my wife writes, I don't see why I can't at least confront the one who blames me." James looked at his hands. "Though I did get a little carried away."

"Really?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"I just wanted to frighten you two—I wouldn't have actually hurt her," James said. Jack scoffed disbelievingly as he got out a bottle of rum. "Really! Do you have any idea of what Leila would do to me if I attacked her twin? I don't need her to be worse than she already is on that front. My God, have you read 'All Shall Fade'?" Jack glared at him and James coughed awkwardly. "Well, have you noticed everything else going on…you know, more than what I did in 'Dark Voices'…?"

Jack snickered. "Yeah, mate." He glanced up at where their wives were talking and likely discussing torture methods. "You're dead."

"I know!" James said with helpless sigh. Jack offered James a mug of rum. "Thank you, Jack."

Before James began to drink it, Jack quickly said, "Just the one, mate. More could be dangerous."

James grinned sheepishly. "I understand."

"You said that you wouldn't have hurt her," Jack said after a moment. "Does that mean that you would have…?" He glanced downward.

"Bloody hell, no, Jack!" James exclaimed in horror. "No man can do that to another!"

"Hear, hear!" Jack said, raising his mug of rum. "But you did slice my face," Jack said, wincing as he touched the fresh wound.

James coughed and looked down into his mug of rum. "Well, I wouldn't have done much more damage than that…Leila is fond of you, and I don't believe she'd take me hurting you much more very well."

"Fond of me? Wouldn't have guessed given what she writes." James stared at him for a moment before beginning to laugh. "What's so funny?"

"That's why she sometimes tortures you!" James said as though it was the most obvious fact in the world. Jack's brow furrowed in confusion. "Have you not noticed what she's done to me?" He started tallying off on his fingers. "Broken my heart a dozen or so times, tortured me, driven me insane twice, and killed me!"

"Why the hell did you marry her?" Jack exclaimed once he had taken all this in.

James shook his head and smiled sadly. "Because I love her."

"But she—."

"Is completely and passionately in love with me," James said with a smile. "Thus the excessive torture."

"That makes no sense," Jack muttered.

"Perhaps not to you," James said with a smirk. "But our relationship works very well."

Jack chuckled. "Oh, yes, I can see that you two get on really well." James raised an eyebrow curiously. "Well, I take it life in the bedroom is going particularly well, given the strong reactions you two had to the idea of—."

"That's enough, Jack," James said sharply.

"I'm just saying." There was a rather awkward silence until Jack asked, "Is she the dominant one?"

"That's it," James said as he stood. "Thanks for the rum, Jack."

"Oi, mate, I didn't mean to offend you!"

"Leila!" James called up the stairs, ignoring Jack

Jack was surprised when Leila appeared in response to her husband's call. "Yes?" she asked quietly, arching a quizzical brow.

"We're leaving."

Leila's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Are we?"


A slow, amused smirk spread across Leila's face. "All right. Be sure to keep an eye out for that new chapter, Shilom."

"I wouldn't miss it," Shilom said, hugging her twin. Leila waved to Jack as James took her by the arm and led her from the house. Shilom approached Jack as soon as her twin and brother-in-law had left. "Are you all right?"

Jack smiled reassuringly. "I'm fine. We sorted it out."

"He seemed to leave in a hurry."

Jack chuckled. "He's fine."

Shilom threw her arms around her husband. "I was so worried about you!" she said as Jack embraced her. "James was so…angry."

"I wasn't about to let him get to you, love," Jack said, kissing his wife gently. "But be careful with what you write. Those two don't respond well if you go too far."

Shilom grimaced. "Leila says that she started writing a friendfic about us after reading chapter 3 of that torture story…"

"Oh, dear," Jack said worriedly.

"I know," Shilom groaned. "But I distracted her by asking more about her evil plans for 'All Shall Fade.' Hopefully she'll just forget about it."

Jack suddenly leaned forward and captured Shilom's lips with his again. She gasped in surprise as he did so, looking at him curiously as he pulled away. "Are you tired, love?" Jack asked after a moment.


"Good," Jack said with a grin, getting to his feet. "Let's go to bed, then, Shilom Sparrow."

Shilom blushed.


Leila smirked as she typed furiously, wishing to write as much as possible before losing her motivation. James came up behind her and pressed his lips to her ear. "What are you writing, love?"

"Just a little torture."

James skimmed a few of the lines. "Bloody marvelous, it's about me…"

Leila turned around and kissed her husband. "Read further," she prompted.

James continued to read what was on the computer screen before him, his eyes widening and his mouth dropping open as he did so. "My God…"

Leila grinned. "You like it?"

"I would never be that cruel!"

"I know, it is a little out of character, which is why I'm not planning on posting it online." Leila printed the story. "But I thought that you might enjoy reading it."

"You'll make a devil out of me yet," James said with a grin as he picked up the printed story and sat on the bed as he began reading it in its entirety.

Leila's eyes flickered eerily in the light of the computer screen. "I'm sure I will," she said with an evil grin as she opened "All Shall Fade" and began writing again…