Welcome to yet another humor story! Be warned though, it is VERY OOC. This one is a little different than my other fairly well-known story, 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters, for two reasons:

1.) IT HAS A PLOT! (Gasp.)

2.) It's not a list.

This goes out to the 500th reviewer of 10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters, Crazily Sane Pancake! She also inspired it! Also, this fic will be about five chapters.

Special thanks to KiwiCantDance-x for beta-ing!

Disclaimer: Don't own it!

Chapter 1: Revolting Creations

"Jane," sighed Demitri after another very long day of trying to get her to leave him alone, "I don't want to try any of your," he cringed, "--human food."

Last week, Jane had seen a human cooking show on T.V., and decided that cooking was her 'calling'. This led Jane on to making what she called her 'creations'. Demitri was convinced that these 'creations' of every smelly variety was revolting – even to human standards. She had been forcing the entire Volturi to try her stinky little 'master pieces'.

If it had been any other vampire, she would have been cast-out instantly. But Jane had ways of err – persuading - her victims, and no one wanted to get on her bad side; not even Demitri.

Jane let out a growl, "Demitri," she said; sounding frustrated as well as dangerous, "Just eat it. I worked hard on it, and besides, you know your alternatives." She shrugged off the last line, as if the intense pain she could create with only her mind were no big deal.

Demitri glared at her. He knew he had two choices; eat it or eat it and be tortured. The latter would be stupid; he knew that. But eating it… somehow he would rather be tortured.

And so Demitri created option three:

Run like hell.

Jane was not at all pleased with said 'option three'. In fact, it made her want to torment the crap out of a certain someone, that someone being Demitri.

May he rest in peace once she was done with him.

How dare he refuse her beautiful creations?


Meanwhile, Demitri had escaped to Aro's chambers where Alec and Marcus were also gathered. He was begging Aro to set Jane right. Of course, that was easier said than done, as it was well known that Aro had a thing for Jane. Demitri found it rather sick.

"You have to stop her!" Demitri shrieked, "If I eat one more of her so-called 'little creations', I'm going to rip my hair out!"

Aro sighed, "If she wants to make awful-smelling human food that's her problem, I don't see why everyone is so worked up about it." He waved his hand to gesture toward everyone.

Demitri was about ready to kill Aro. Thankfully, before he made his extremely moronic decision, Marcus spoke up.

"I hate to contradict you, Aro, but have you actually tried Jane's food?"

"Of course not! And it can't be that bad," said Aro, "It's no human for sure, but it's just human food. I don't see why you weaklings can't just suck it up and deal."

"I have to agree with Marcus and Demitri," said another voice, Alec, "It makes normal human food look like Bella Swan."

"If I try Jane's food will you all shut up and go away?" Aro grumbled, "Barney's on."

Everyone stared, shocked.

"Crap, I said that out loud didn't I?" said Aro, looking extremely embarrassed.

Everyone nodded, looking very creeped out, and still staring absent-minded.

"Well, WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!" screeched Aro.


"What staring?"

"I like pie!"

"No you don't!" Marcus protested, "Jane's pie tastes like human diapers! Who said that anyway?"

Aro gave Marcus a strange look, "How would you know what human diapers tastes like?"

If Marcus could blush he would have turned tomato red.

"You don't want to know," he muttered.

"If you want to know, read his diary!" sing-songed Alec while waving a pink notebook in the air.

"GIVE THAT BACK!" Marcus shrilled.

"It's got stuff about his secret obsession with Harry Potter, his love for his teddy bear, Mr. Fluffykinz, and his girlfriend-" he was cut off by Marcus tackling him to the ground.

"ENOUGH!" bellowed Aro, "STOP RIGHT NOW!"

Marcus and Alec ignored his orders.

"Are you going to try Jane's food or not?" asked Demitri, mentally laughing about the idea of Aro eating Jane's 'master pieces'.

"Well-" Aro was cut off by Marcus's cell-phone ringing. It played Sexy Back.

Marcus immediately stopped fighting with Alec, who hid the diary under a chair muttering something about posting it on Fan Fiction – whatever that was - and answered his cell-phone.

"Um..." said Marcus into the phone, "Hello? What! NO! Wait? I don't own a green Corvette, it's pink!" He stopped talking as he remembered who he was in the room with.

There was an awkward silence.

"You need help dude," Alec broke the silence.

"Yep, you and Jane both," added Demitri.

"About Jane," said Aro, looking like a dog with its tail between its legs, "Is it really necessary that I try-"

"YES!" yelled all the vampires in the room simultaneously.

Suddenly, Jane burst into the room.

"DEMETRI!" she screeched, sounding very deranged, "YOU SHALL PAY FOR TURNING DOWN MY FOOD! I WILL HAVE REVENGE! MUWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" She pumped her small fist in the air.

"Oh crap," said Demitri.

"Bellatrix!" yelled Marcus, pointing to Jane.

"PMS!" Alec tacked on, also pointing to Jane.

Even Jane stared dumbfounded this time.

"Vampires don't get PMS," commented Aro.

"But they can be crazy, deranged, bi-" muttered Demitri, stopping when he saw Aro glare at him.

"It's okay Jane, you don't have to get revenge on Demitri here," Marcus motioned toward Demitri, "Aro wants to try your err - creations."

Aro looked murderous.

"Oh," said Jane, looking less deranged, as well as pleased, "Well, I did just make some apple pie…"

"So THAT'S what smells so bad…" Alec muttered knowingly.

Unluckily enough for him, Jane heard, and the next second he was withering on the floor in excruciating pain.

"It's GOOD pie!" she defended, looking hurt.

"Great!" Demitri encouraged, "Go get it!"

"I think I will," said Jane smugly.


When she returned, every vampire in the room stopped breathing. Not because she was stunning, but because they couldn't stand to take a whiff of the stench coming from the thing she had made. Were apple pies supposed to be green?

Anyway, by the time he had consumed the disgusting thing that Jane had made, Aro was in the hardly-used master bathroom - throwing up. Vampires have to eventually throw up human food anyway, but in this particular case, Aro had to get it out of his system.

Luckily, Jane wasn't there to witness the event; one of her cooking shows was on. Was it called the Food Network?

When Aro had finished throwing up, he returned to the room where everyone had finally been able to start inhaling and exhaling once again. Demitri was about ready to worship whoever had invented Air Freshener.

"That was...ugh..." groaned Aro.

"Welcome to the club man," Alec chimed in, shaking his head at the fact that they had not thought of getting Aro to try the food – if you could call it that - earlier.

"So how do we get rid of her?" asked Marcus, looking eager.

"Well, what's her biggest ambition right now?" Demitri questioned, looking hopeful at Aro.

"To open a catering business," Aro answered.

"We can tell her that someone we hate wants her to do ALL their meals for them," suggested Alec.

"Sounds good," commented Marcus.

"I agree," added Demitri.

"But who do we send her to?" Aro pondered.

Alec thought for a moment before coming up with a solution. "What about those wolves that the Cullen's are always complaining about?"

"The Quileute's?" Marcus inquired.

"The very ones," replied Alec, with a smirk on his face.

"Then it's settled," said Aro, happy to get rid of Jane, "I'll go tell her now."

Demitri felt as if he would throw a party; Jane was off his back at last.

Like it? Hate it? R&R! I would really like some suggestions! I know everyone seems a little off-character, but if they were ON-character this story couldn't exist.

Next time…

"This smells a little weird…" said Jacob, looking at his slice of pie hesitantly.


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