Hey everyone, due to undying support, here's yet another chapter of craziness.
OMIGAWD!!! FINALLY UPDATED!!!! GAAASP!
Enjoy the update! Courtesy of KatrinaEagle, dontwaitupxx, Silhouette The SANVAE, and theretard5892. Thanks guys!
"In which the story makes no sense"
-She-wolf vixen aka EveeElric-
Ed was not a stalker.
That was Colonel's Mustang's job as far as he was concerned. It wasn't as if it hadn't crossed his mind and Ed was as creeped out by the actual deed as he was with being stalked. Experience with pedophiles had done him good justice.
No, Ed was not a stalker.
So it came to of some concern when Roy noticed that Ed was portraying stalker-like tendencies. It wasn't as if he were actually stalking anyone in particular, it was more of Ed walking around office repeating the word "stalk" over and over. As if poor Fuery hadn't been traumatized enough what with being cuddled by a giant sheep, attacked by toilets, and nearly drowning in a sea of chip debris...
"Fullmetal...I'd like to talk to you," Mustang demanded as soon as the disturbed adolescent entered his office.
Ed gave his a scrupulous look before plopping down on the couch located nearby. "What's up?"
Mustang sighed. "Frankly, your pranks are amazing...no denying that, I'm just wondering...have you picked up stalking as your recent addition of jokes?"
Ed snickered and clasped his hands together in unbridled glee. "Yeah! And it's working like a charm. Man, you should have seen Breda the other day. He was so busy trying to avoid me, he hardly noticed Black Hayate positioned conveniently under his desk!"
"That's pretty harsh. I mean, everyone knows that Breda is deathly scared of dogs," Roy mumured through concealed joy.
Ed laughed some more.
"Though, to be honest Fullmetal, the stalking thing might be taking it a bit far..." Roy continued. Ed made a face at him in reply and Mustang sighed. "You're...not gonna listen to me are you?"
Ed stood and walked over to the door, halfway out, he paused turned, and said, "When have I ever?"
It was then that Roy noticed a note Ed had left on his desk but he hadn't noticed it before. It read:
2:30 later today. Front of headquarters.
Beware of white vans. Left pillar.
You'll know what to do.
Diligently at 2:30, Roy placed himself strategically away from directly in front of headquarters, close enough to catch the chaos which would be sure to ensue, but far away enough to escape the wrath of Ed's mind...and close to the left pillar. As Roy waited on the steps, blinking stupidly in the blinding sun, his ears caught a jingle he hadn't heard for nearly 20 years.
Without fail, Ed had done it again. A white ice cream truck around the corner, playing the ice cream jingle as loud as he could. Ed must have been thinking this one through fully because soldiers began to mingle around the front of headquarters at break for some fresh air. The truck came of some remarkable surprise and soldiers were seen pointing excitedly towards it like when they were 3.
Eventually, one soldier gave up all manly pride and left to buy some ice cream. He would soon regret that decision.
Roy perked up in time to see the soldier being dragged into the truck by a suspicious-looking metal hand, failing and yelling. Smoothing his bangs up, Roy stood to watch.
Alarmed and unarmed, the soldiers began to shift uncomfortably and edge towards the front doors. Quickly, Roy turned and locked them while no one was looking and hid behind the left pillar as instructed by Ed. His foot hit a bag full of...something?
The ice cream truck began to head straight for Fuery and the young man began to run. "Help? Colonel. Colonel? COLONEL MUSTAAAAAANG?!?! HELLLLLLLLLLLP!?!?"
Of course, Roy was too busy giggling madly behind the pillar to care about his subordinate's distress.
The white truck began to pick up speed and was careening towards the unlucky soldiers who were in its way. The soldiers began to run around, screaming like little girls.
Suddenly, a teen-aged voice over a speaker could be heard from the truck trying and failing at mastering a gruff voice.
"ATTENTION. ATTENTION ALL MILITARY PERSONNEL. THIS IS AN ABDUCTION. I REPEAT. AN ABDUCTION. ALL THOSE WHO WISH NOT TO BE TARGETED, PLEASE STAND ABSOLUTELY STILL."
On cue, every soldier froze until another two screaming subordinates of Roy, Falman and Havoc, were dragged crying into the still moving van. They scattered again. A few fell over. A few tried to hide. A few more were dragged into the back of the van.
Roy decided it was time to play his part and opened the bag. Inside were several buckets labeled "KFC". Roy wasn't sure what it stood for, but there was a multitude of fried chicken nuggets inside. Atop the greasy mess was another note.
Throw and repeat the below sentence.
Roy read the sentence and laughed quietly. Then, he grabbed a mushy handful of nuggets, threw them upon the unsuspecting soldiers, and yelled. "ATTACK OF THE CHICKEN NUGGETS FROM HELL!"
Already in a state of panic, the whole area turned into a mosh pit of extreme paranoia.
Intermission: The author wants to interject that at this point in time, the story has no real plot line, full of insane uselessness, and she has just butchered any pride Arakawa's characters may have. But then again, a bunch of military soldiers running around screaming as a ice cream truck chases them and Roy Mustang throws chicken on their heads? We all need something like that right?
Through all this craziness, Alphonse Elric stopped by to check on his brother. To his sheer horror, he found chicken-covered military men running around in panic.
By now, the ice cream truck was blaring the words: "STALK STALK STALK STALK STALK!" in a strangely familiar voice. When Alphonse realized it was his brother's voice, he slapped his non-existent forehead, muttered a non-existent noise of pain, and proceeded into the destruction.
Ed, in his glory, drove the truck around, aiming at military people who may or may not in the past had called him "short". Laughing manically, he spied out of the corner of his eye, Roy raining nuggets down on the helpless men. Ed gave his a thumbs up and the Colonel returned the gesture. Who knew emotionally torturing his fellow soldiers would create a bond between him and Colonel bastard?
Alphonse's voice shrieked out in midair and cracked a few times. Everything halted. Soldiers in mid-flee. Roy in mid-throw. Ed crashed the truck into the side wall of the stairs and tumbled out, strangely unharmed.
There was silence for a moment before Alphonse growled quietly and very uncharacteristically. "Look at you all. A bunch of pansies." Al whipped around at Roy. "And Colonel! I would expect better out of you! Ed is your co-worker, not your playmate!" Finally, whirling his armor around to face Ed, he hissed." AND YOU! WHAT IN TRANSMUTATION'S SAKE ARE YOU DOING?!?"
"Stalking." Ed replied.
A random chicken nugget flew into the air and spiked itself on Alphonse's helmet.
Second later, Al died. It could have been from the amount of stupidity in the air, or Ed's stalker-like tendencies forced Alphonse to lose his mind and die of a non-existent heart attack. But no... the massive amount of grease from the nugget cleaned off the blood seal and as mentioned before, seconds later, Al died.
But Ed wasn't sad. He had nuggets and ice cream, and that was enough for him.
In which Homunculi Get Involved
A little preview:
"So...you're telling me Fullmetal Chibi is that Colonel Mustang..."
"And that Colonel Mustang is Fullmetal Chibi..."
"...This isn't good..."
Courtesy of Aniki the Crimsaying "you should figure out a way to prank the Homunculi" and
Silhouette The SANVAE saying "Have the both of them dress up as each other and attempt to pass off as the other person for a whole day"
Till Next Time!