Disclaimer: characters belong to Koyasu et al, the song belongs to Leehom Wang, inspiration belongs to my muse, exhaustion's all mine..
Warning: Nothing, just shounen ai... Isn't it amazing? Oh and it's rather sad too, I continued to write it every time I had problem with my... sweetheart... Also slightly AU because I didn't read the manga and missed several episodes (but still love it nonetheless)
A/N: I'm sleepy... R&R please... I'm begging you... Give me something good to dream of for once...
Last Night, the Song Inspired fic
"Ja, oyasumi nasai, Yohji-kun!" the genki boy waved his hand cheerfully at the blond playboy who only smiled lightly in response. "Aya-kun!" the boy continued, this time more solemnly. The boy lingered in the room a while longer, his eyes were so hopeful Yohji had to lowered his face to hide an exact same expression that slowly crept onto his face.
The silence last longer than the older blond could take and he knew his mask would crumble if this went longer so he gave a bright fake smile to his young teammate. "Na, Omi, isn't you supposed to return to the shop? It's almost the time for dinner, you know? You don't want Ken to burn the house, na? He almost succeeded the last time…"
"Mou, Yohji-kun. Ken-kun's cooking isn't that bad." The blond boy whined. "But I think I really should leave now. Ja ne!" the boy chirped. He waved one more time and the door closed behind him.
Silence filled the room after the boy left. Yohji turned slowly to the bed behind him, which was occupied by his other teammate. His breath caught in his throat at an ironically beautiful picture Aya presented him. His pale skin looked even paler than before it almost looked transparent, amethyst eyes that used to look at him balefully were now closed, thin lips set in a relaxed line, his expression calm as if he were asleep, his hands laid on either side of his body and his chest rose and fell softly and dreadfully slowly as he breathed.
Yohji knew he must look away from the sight but found his eyes glued to it. His chest constricted painfully with feelings he couldn't name that grew stronger by each seconds he passed staring at the unconscious redhead. An intense longing ate him slowly but surely. If only he weren't so reckless. If only he hadn't let Mastermind sneaked out behind him. If only he had taken the bullet before Aya. If only Mastermind had shot him instead of Aya…. Yohji fisted his hands that were on his thighs, wishing the pain would wake him from the seemingly never-ending nightmare.
He looked at Aya's face, wishing those eyes would open and wash his burning pain with their coldness and cruelty, knowing they wouldn't. He felt dull pain in his chest. He was tired of hoping, praying….
Finally, he fell down to his knees, beside the bed. The burden, the hope, the longing, the pain, the guilt combined into one to break his frail soul. He clutched one slender hand until his knuckles turned white, wishing the pain would wake them up from this nightmare…
"God… Aya, please... Please, wake up…" he said through clenched teeth with such desperation he didn't know he felt.
He looked at the serene look on the younger man's face, hoping it would contort into a look of hate, knowing it wouldn't…
Yohji sighed the pain and tears he couldn't express, released the pale hand and whispered softly to unhearing ears, his tone gentled with a sad undertone. "You're such a stubborn man, aren't you, Fujimiya?"
Yohji's lips curved into a grim smile, trying to hide his despair behind a mental wall that slowly crumbled and fell. He took another moment to savor the almost effeminate face, hoping, wishing…. Slowly the blond leaned over until his face was mere centimeters from Aya's. The shallow gush of air caressed his face in a mocking imitation of the caress he longed for and he swallowed a lump in his throat. The pain expanded as the distance between them lessened and lessened until his lips covered Aya's cold ones.
He felt electric sparks ran through his body and when he closed his eyes he wondered if perhaps Aya felt it, too. He deepened the connection between them, trying to understand, trying to make Aya understand, trying to ease the pain, trying to find something to anchor him to the cold unfriendly world, trying to find a grip he couldn't find in himself, trying to be closer to Aya, knowing the distance only grew….
Yohji parted their lips tenderly and gave a light, mocking chuckle. Then he opened his eyes to look into closed ones, knowing the melancholy look showed his vulnerability, his pain, his longing…. Then he pulled away with same look still on his face. Feeling as well as understanding he couldn't cross the ocean parting them apart.
Yohji looked out through the window across the room. The full moon cast its soft pale light into the room and onto the bed Aya laid on, marking the second week since Aya got into a coma. Yohji continued to stare ahead some more. Then he heaved a tired sigh and looked down to the redhead.
The moonlight intensified the paleness of Aya's skin it now seemed to glow with silver light. Yohji smiled sadly at the memory the peaceful picture brought him. He brushed a strand of red hair that somehow got onto Aya's sleeping face.
"Just like that night, ne, Aya?" he whispered quietly. As if he were afraid of waking the younger man. "Do you even remember the night?"
He stopped, waiting for a response he knew would never come.
"I surely do…"
How could he forget the night Aya made his violent entrance into Weiss? Fighting with Ken for a reason he couldn't comprehend; lost the fight, then….
"How could I forget…?" the blond muttered to himself. Slowly he looked up to the bed, his face a mask of melancholy longing. "How could I forget with you looking like that?"
He remembered that night, the night that marked a year of Asuka's death.
That night he had been locking himself in his room, smoking cigarette, drinking liquor, staring endlessly at his ceiling. Doing anything but looking at the picture on his bedside table. He had felt more and more restless as he drowned himself deeper into misery. The cigarette he smoked tasted bitter on his tongue, the liquor only intensified his pain, his soul felt emptier than before, he didn't remember why he decided to keep on living, he didn't remember why he wanted to. Yet the pain he felt that time felt like nothing compared to this pain of being helpless as he stared into Aya's face now.
"It was a night like this, ne?" he whispered softly. "In a quiet night like this you came."
He remembered taking the unconscious young man to his bed, laying him there then sat on a chair to watch the moonlight illuminate the sleeping man on his bed. He remembered the pale curves that moved slightly as the man breathed. He remembered feeling a sense of peace that his restless soul hadn't felt for a while.
He remembered the way the moonlight that came through the window caressed the man's body with its silver light, making him seemed surreal. There's something about the peaceful look on the redhead's face that made his heart skipped a beat. Maybe it's the knowledge that underneath the serene exterior was an untamed assassin, maybe it's the way the man remind him of the one he loved before. Maybe he had gone out of his mind. Maybe it's all three combined.
He could still hear the soft breeze that came into his room, the only sound to fill the silence his peacefulness brought. His breath fell in sync with the stranger and he barely noticed anything else as he looked into the sleeping man on his bed. And somehow, for some unknown reason, he felt peaceful, save, content, calm. He had fallen in love.
He had kept it to himself for so long -too long.
'I love you' he wanted to say. 'I love you' those words clogged his throat. 'I love you' he screamed in silence. 'I love you' the words made his heart clenched tight. 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you'
Yohji wrenched his eyes away forcefully from Aya's sleeping form.
Gods, how he wanted the younger man!!
But no matter what he couldn't say it. He mustn't say it. He couldn't…. It was the truth, it was true, it was the last sincere part left in his assassin self. Yet Aya would never see it, would never recognize it, would never understand it…
He looked at his sleeping teammate one more time. Had Aya opened his eyes now, he would've seen it for Yohji was sure it's shown all over his feature now. He was too tired to conceal anything…
"Aya… wake up… look at me… see me…"
Ken's loud voice echoed in the room but the noise escaped Yohji's mind somehow. He forced himself to laugh at Ken's usual clumsiness though he felt no glee whatsoever. He had become numb from the internal pain. Only his affection to the persons he considered brothers made him force a smile.
He glanced to his side, where his crimson haired teammate laid, and his heart clenched tight. It felt like a hole was dug in his heart every time he looked at Aya and the pain only expanded as three words clogged his throat. Gods, how he wanted to say it! How he wanted to say 'I love you'! It was so difficult to say, or even just to whisper. Those three words seemed unable to convey the overwhelming feeling he felt inside. Words, touch, and taste were not enough to express his love, his affection, his pain, his longing, his obsession, his adoration….
"Yohji?" the blond felt a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"
He smiled lightly at Ken. "Yeah."
"You've been taking care of Aya all this time. Why don't you go home first and let me…"
"No, Ken. It's my fault that he got hurt. I'll stay."
The brunette gave him a wary look. "It's not. I'm sure he understood it as well."
Yohji glanced down onto Aya again, avoiding Ken's searching gaze. "I'm not sure." He murmured.
Sighing loudly, Ken straightened up again. "At least stop by at the shop once in a while. Omi's worried sick about you, y'know?"
Yohji scoffed lightly. "How's the chibi?"
"No change, if you ask me. But I can tell he's worried about you and missed you." Ken said with slightly reprimanding tone.
"Ah." Yohji responded absentmindedly, beside him, Ken sighed softly. The blond felt rather guilty for making his youngest teammate worry but he couldn't return now. Not before Aya was awaken. Not before Aya looked at him again with those icy eyes. Not before…
"Look, I'm gonna head back to the shop, 'kay? It's getting late." Ken said softly. Obnoxious as he might be, Ken understood what his teammate was going through. He could see sorrow written all over the playboy's face. He saw pain brimming in Yohji's eyes when he looked at their sleeping leader.
"Right. Sorry for bothering you. I'll go with you. I need some fresh air, anyway." Yohji stood up, intending to breathe some air. It felt suffocating there, with the faint rose scent wafting around him, caressing his subconscious, reminding him of Aya's voice, Aya's eyes, Aya's grace, Aya, Aya, Aya…
Ken smiled lightly and walked to the door, Yohji close behind. Then suddenly, just as Ken walked past the door, it happened. Yohji didn't know what it was but he knew something was wrong. Very wrong. He turned back to his sleeping leader. His heart lurched painfully and beat faster. Something's wrong. Something's not right.
Ignoring Ken's calls behind him, Yohji strode towards Aya. With trembling hand he took one pale wrist into his hand. No pulse.
He checked again, desperately. Hoping he was wrong. Hoping he had missed that delicate evidence of life.
"… no. No, it can't be…."
He half listened to Ken's saying that he would call the doctor. Aya… Aya… He…
Trembling hand reached out to pale face but was stopped mid air. Someone pulled him away as swirls of white littered the room.
Aya, covered in white. Aya, taken away from him.
Again. Again. His beloved was taken away. He had promised to himself it would never happen again… But Aya… His Aya… His love…
Yohji continued to extend his trembling hand, hoping to reach his beloved even as Ken pulled him out of the room.
Reaching out. He's always reaching out. But Aya never saw that.
It was the day after the traumatizing accident and Yohji was standing near the hospital bed, looking out of the window. That day was a bright day; the sun was shinning brightly, unhindered by clouds. A perfect day for celebration, he smiled lightly to himself.
The sterilized room was filled with laughter and the chirping voice of his young teammate. And on the bed was a very much living Aya. The redhead still seemed a little pale and tired but he was never one to show such weakness so he steeled himself to listening to Omi's ranting of everything he had missed.
And the redhead was beautiful this way. Eyes sharp and cold but slightly warmed by the attention he received. Words and voice blank but filled with discreet joy. This was what he loved from the redhead. This was what made him fall in love.
"Yohji…" a soft voice startled him out of his reverie. And Yohji must suppress a very strong urge to rush to his love's side immediately. Instead, the blond took slow steps in approaching the caller. He forced a smirk when Aya glared at him when he finally arrived next to him.
And how he wanted to let it all out this time! How he wanted to confess what he had been hiding! How he wanted to say three words that clogged his throat! How he wanted to say 'I love you'! How he wanted to admit his longing! How he wanted to tell him how much he wanted him! How he wanted to explain the pain of his heart being torn and pierced!
Aya stared silently at him for a long minute. Ken and Omi glanced at each other behind Yohji, unsure of what to do. Finally, Aya spoke quietly, "I heard you've been taking care of me."
How could I not! Yohji wanted to say. I love you! How could I abandon you like that! But instead, all that came out of his mouth was a simple indifferent, "Yeah."
The beautiful redhead glared at his smirk but continued after a moment. "Thank you."
"Anytime, man." He shrugged.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
But he never saw how much it's true.
This is my very first angst story. I'm not very sure if it'd be the last but first I want to hear your opinion first. Please R&R! Btw the song that inspired this fic is by Leehom Wang and was a soundtrack of Gackt's movie, Moonchild. Lyric attached below.
Last night I watch you sleep as you lay there
I dropped down to my knees and said a prayer
I leaned over softly to kiss your beautiful face
But I could not cross the ocean of your grace
The moonlight held you a loft a picture of peace
The only sound was the soft breeze from the east
My heart beat down in my chest
To the rhythm of your gentle breath
And the whole world calmed down
For this moment of rest
Now I'm standing above you
Trying so hard not to tell you I love you
And all that I want in this world is you
If you'd only wake up
You know it was true
Ooh, baby I love you can be so hard to say
Especially when it's meant in this strong a way
But at this moment while you lay asleep
I'm suddenly free
And my trembling arms reach out for you
As if you could see