Prologue

What I Never Told You…

My nerves clicked with the seconds, though when time stopped, mid moment, jolting me forward, I died. Not in the conventional sense, although my heart seemed to stop for an eternity as the connection of sight and loss of sound overwhelmed the room… or maybe it was just us. For the first time in years our paths crossed, and I'd been expecting this, after convincing myself I was ready…

That's why I came back, because I can handle this.

I'd left so much unsaid, and you had so much to be desired… it was the moment I prepared for. Our tongues were dry; dehydrated yet drenched with champagne. When the, it came back in floods, waves of metal and glass and the music of lost friends. You turned your head away from me, shattering whatever it was we held.

I stared at you, in what some might call a manner of rudeness. You began to blur in and out of a pitch perfect laughter. I remember this well, how you laughed, and it had always been contagious.

The air began to tilt around me in dizzy circles… I was mortified… I was wrong. Why had I thought it would be different; that I was changed and maybe he'd notice? Everything was exactly how we'd left it.

The memories…

Of how you'd look through me, past me… as if I was vapor, invisible, ghastly, hiding in the dark breaches of your head, where other matters you refused to acknowledge lay, awaiting their redemption. This is where I sat, where I never belonged but you kept me on hold, on lay-away for those drunken nights when you needed someone to talk to, someone to rely on…

That's when you remembered…

I was always there for you. Until, I wasn't. Until…I decided, I made a choice to leave you behind. I thought maybe then something would spark some remorse…

It was August, and the airport was crowded, and I felt like everyone was staring. Waiting to see what would happen next. Time moved forward… as I doubted it ever could. Though you hadn't come to say goodbye, I lived.

You died. I heard it occurred to you later, where you sat a sweaty mess of nerves on your brother's couch, after she'd left you. Your soul mate, your one and only and … you didn't have the nerve to call and beg for a friend.

I was waiting…