I added another chapter cuz I got inspired by chapter 198. I was supposed to release this before chapter 199 came out, but I got sidetracked. Yes, I know how extremely yaoi this arc with Alma is, and yes, I've already read chapter 199. But like I said, this chapter was supposed to be released before 199 came out but I wasn't able to. Well, everything else that happens in my fanfic is fictional so please read and review guys!
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Hoshino.
The Second Sin: Yu Kanda
Headquarters was still in disarray after the Noah attack. No one could've possibly predicted that the Earl would be the one to lead the attack, nor would they have known that the primary objective was the Fourteenth. Yes, it was carefully masked behind the concept of reuniting Kanda and Alma, but that was just a front. The true intent was the event after reuniting the two. Of course it would trigger a duel to the death causing mayhem and destruction—death was also expected—but it would lead to an awakening of the Fourteenth Noah. Allen Walker.
They managed to emerge from the rubble alive. Not in the best of shape, yes, but still alive. And being alive was much more important. But even though they were still recuperating from their wounds, repairs to headquarters were being hastened. No one knew when the Earl might attack again, best to be safe than sorry. The exorcists all retired to their personal quarters, still hurting, still broken, still wrestling the physical and emotional scars.
Allen stared at his toes, his chin resting on his knees. His head was filled with so many thoughts again—thoughts he wasn't sure anymore were his. There were already many times that he had come so close in becoming the Fourteenth but never like this. His friends had relayed to him how he had spoken and acted differently, and then, right before their eyes, his features darkened and he became one of them. The feeling was so surreal. It was like a side of him had taken control and there was nothing he could do. He felt trapped in a body that was his, chained tightly until he choked but was unable to break free.
It was a scary feeling.
Timcanpy fluttered around the room and settled itself beside him. It nuzzled against him, offering him comfort. Allen smiled. "Thank you, Tim," he said and patted it. This golden golem was the only thing he had of his master who is still MIA, presumed dead. But he knew something that only a disciple of Cross Marian knew—and that was it would take a lot more to kill his master. His own will refused to believe that the man could be dead. Even though so many nights have already passed, that one night he spent with his master remained fresh in his mind.
It was that day he learned a very cruel truth about him, and somehow his master had managed to console him (in more ways than one). But now, Cross Marian is not with him. There is no one there to help him cope with this new cruel truth: he had become the Fourteenth. For a brief period, he had felt what it was like to be a Noah. That power… That darkness… That hatred that consumes everything…
Will I become like that…again?
Timcanpy fluttered back in the air when a knock came from the door. It echoed in the silent room. Allen rubbed his face with his sleeve. Whatever expression he's making right now, he mustn't show it. "Come in," his voice came out hoarse and raspy, but he held a smile nonetheless. No one must know.
"What're you doing sitting in the dark, bean sprout?" Yu Kanda asked as he entered. Light poured in from the doorway. Allen shielded his eyes for a bit, but he didn't have time to adjust to the light because Kanda quickly closed the door again, plunging the room back in darkness. The only source of light was the moon outside—its light peeking from the window.
"Kanda?" Allen croaked. "What're you doing here? I thought you were in the infirmary with Bak and Komui?"
"Those two make a fuss. It's nothing."
Like Allen, he wasn't wearing his Exorcist colors right now, but Mugen was still strapped on to his waist. Allen looked at the Innocence and felt a chill run through him. He had remembered how a Noah hates the Innocence. He wondered if that chill was any indication of that—if the Innocence hated him now as well. Perhaps aware of his wariness, Kanda unbuckled the strap and set Mugen down next to a chair. He went and stood next to the bed where Allen had made a "nest" for himself. Timcanpy was still hovering around.
"Kanda?" he asked nervously. For some reason, he felt uneasy under the man's stare, which was strange considering they were always at odds with each other so he'd been at the receiving end of that stare more than once. But something was different now. What was it?
"Show me," Kanda said, more like commanded.
"Show? Show what?" asked Allen, innocently, not know what the older boy was talking about.
Kanda pulled away the blanket that wove around Allen's body, causing the boy to fall back on the bed. "Kanda!" he retorted but was cut off when a hand grabbed his shirt and practically ripped it off him, sending the buttons flying, nearly hitting Timcanpy. The first reaction he had to such an assault was to pull away and pry his clothing back from the offender. But Kanda kept a firm grip and steadily pinned him down. The room was now filled with ragged breathing.
"Show me," the taller of the two repeated the command.
Allen honestly didn't know what the boy meant, but he sensed no danger laced in those words. He relaxed his body, letting Kanda do whatever it was that he wanted. Kanda pushed away the fabric—the remains of Allen's shirt—and undid the strips of linen that were tight around his chest. Each article fell softly on the floor, but Allen clearly heard the sound it made. He felt Kanda's hands on him this time, tracing lines across his chest then down his abdomen. It stopped near the rib cage and Kanda rubbed his palm against it. Allen instantly knew what it was. It was where he was struck by Mugen.
"Kanda…" he softly called out.
"It's here," the boy interrupted him again. "This is where I…" He trailed off, but both knew the end of that sentence.
From the wound, Kanda brought his attention to Allen's eyes that were looking nervously at him. There was still the brazenness in them, but looked helpless at the same time. "Such fascinating eyes," he unexpectedly said aloud. Allen wrinkled his brow in confusion. Kanda continued, "You have always been able to see something that others can't. You alone can see that world and we can't."
"In our lives as Exorcists, we can only see the 'black' and the 'white'. But you can see it differently. For you there is no segregation and so it is blurred to create 'gray'."
"That eye that can see an akuma's soul…"
Allen bit his lip and looked away. He knew where this conversation was leading. He knew what Kanda was going to ask.
"Before Alma died, what did you see?"
He closed his eyes, wishing to not have seen it at all.
After the Earl and the Noah family departed, leaving them battered and broken, attending to the injured and to the dead, Kanda had approached him with the same question. He quickly shrugged it off and was thankful that Komui, being the worrywart that he is, dragged Kanda away for a quick examination. He remembered when he had looked at Alma, guided by his left eye, he had seen the ghost of a young woman—the same woman he saw in Kanda's memories. As the recognition clearly hit his face, he had subconsciously looked at Kanda. The expression he wore told everything, so Kanda too knew there was something, though not sure what it was.
If earlier, he had Komui and Bak to thank for having avoided Kanda's question, but now, there was no where to escape to. It was just him and Kanda in this room with Timcanpy floating above; firmly pressed against a hot body that was offering him limited movement.
"Look at me," Kanda ordered, but he didn't comply. He did open his eyes but avoided looking at him. "I said look at me, bean sprout!"
Allen was stubborn but didn't budge. "I saw nothing."
Kanda grinned. "You're a bad liar. Too bad you're poker face isn't going to work now. You're not yelling at me for having stabbed you, nor are you rampaging for being called 'bean sprout'. That already tells me a lot. It tells me you know something."
"What did you see before Alma died?"
The question was repeated, but this time, the voice sounded broken. He was desperate and Allen could tell. But even then he would say anything for that was Alma's final wish. He would honor that wish even if it meant Kanda would have to continue a fruitless search for the woman he loved.
"You really won't say anything, will you bean sprout?"
"Sorry, I can't. I truly didn't see anything Kanda. I'm sorry."
Kanda narrowed his eyes and descended on him. Allen could feel the other man's breath on his collar bone, going up his neck, and then to his ear. Kanda's voice was raspy but all the while clear. "I will make you look at me at least." And that was he felt a knee against his groin.
"Kanda?" He jolted with surprise but was pushed further down on the bed as their bodies aligned, the knee replaced by a growing hard-on. "Ka… Kanda…" Allen struggled but his power failed him. He was still exhausted from the battle and he had little stamina left. He tried to push the taller boy away, but his arms were effectively held back and then pinned on top of his head. Kanda left feathery touches of his lips on the white-haired boy's skin. Kissing. Licking. Biting. Allen let out a huge gasp as the area below their waist began to grow hot.
Allen panted, taking in huge gulps of air. Kanda pressed their lips together, his tongue entering the younger's mouth. Allen breathed through his nose and smelled Kanda's hair. This would be the second time he was kissed so passionately. He remembered the first one filled with so much lust and desire, this one… what did it have?
When Kanda released him, he was dazed and breathless. He barely even recognized Kanda stripping in front of him. He only realized when he felt his pants being pulled off him. His shirt wasn't much clothing after it was ripped earlier, but the feeling being naked with another person—someone who wasn't him—brought him shame. "Kanda, stop! What're you doing? Don't…" His hand grabbed hold of the one disrobing him, while the other covered his eyes not wanting to see or be seen.
The older boy frowned. "I'm going to have sex with you," Kanda stated bluntly.
Startled by the reply, Allen peeked from the gaps of his fingers, wanting to see whether or not the guy was being serious. "At a time like this? The Order has been attacked. We're all still healing. We're in a crisis."
"It's because it's a time like this that we should. You never know what will happen tomorrow."
"Kanda… we're guys."
In one swift action, Kanda removed the boy's pants and tossed them aside. He took advantage of the latter's surprise and spread his legs, quickly descending on the semi-hard erection. "K-Kanda!" Allen gasped as he felt the older boy take all of him in his mouth. He grabbed his head, pulling at the hair, anything to take the boy off him. "Stop it…" he pleaded, he closed his eyes feeling nothing but the shame of letting some other than him do this.
"You'd do it with General Marian but not with me."
Kanda was now hovering above him, staying at eye level. "I said you'd do it with Cross Marian but not with me."
Allen tensed. How could he have known? How could Kanda know? As if sensing his thoughts, the boy in question immediately offered an explanation. "It was easy to figure, bean sprout. I saw you with hickeys before the General died. And while we were doing the mission, I could tell you were hurt and bothered by his presumed death, even though you wouldn't show it. But more importantly, because I saw Cross leaving your room that morning before he died. He was freshly showered so I only had to guess what happened. The hickey just confirmed it."
Allen didn't know whether he should be angry at himself from being too obvious or at his master for letting himself get caught. However, it did not change his growing concern over a certain matter. "That still doesn't explain why you want to have sex with me."
"Because right now we're feeling the same pain. We lost someone dear to us and had turned into something we're not. It hurts, and we just want to feel good again."
"That sounds like escaping, and it doesn't sound like you, Kanda."
"Then, perhaps, just this once, I don't want to be a strong, stubborn samurai. Perhaps, I too want to be a simple human. No, rather, I want to reaffirm that I am human."
Allen slowly met the older boy's eyes, gazed into those deep black orbs and felt it pierce his heart. Yes, Kanda is in pain. He had to relive his past, an unfulfilled promise with the one he loved, and how a dear friend was taken from him. Perhaps the greater pain is that the loved one and the friend were one and the same, but that is something Kanda must never now. Right now, Kanda felt the heavy burden of being an Exorcist. He also felt the weight of being a Second Exorcist—a sinful existence for it was a product of man's attempt at creating life like a God would.
He was feeling the same way Allen was. Their past was filled with mystery, their lives tainted with sin, yet answered to this holy calling, and have paid a heavy price for it. Were they not allowed to confirm their existence—their humanity?
"Kanda…" he said so softly.
The older boy smiled. It was the first ever gentle smile Allen had seen from him. "You finally looked at me, Allen."
"W-What?" Allen blinked. "What did you say?"
"I said you finally looked at me." He scooped the white-haired boy in his arms and buried his face in that soft skin, kissing, leave traces—proof that he was there.
"No, not that. What you said after… What did you call me?"
"Shush. Don't say anything anymore." And he effectively silenced the boy with a kiss.
Allen felt something break inside him again as Kanda pushed. He bit down on the pillow, trying to calm himself, adjusting to this feeling of being penetrated. The last time he was entered like this was during his intimacy with his master—one that was borne from lust and desire. This one, borne from hurt and despair. He felt Kanda sliding in and out of him, the sound of wet flesh slapping on each other echoed in the room. Their sweat-stained bodies glistened under the pale moonlight.
Once again, the moon was witness to a sinful act.
He remembered how Cross had kissed him, touched, loved him. He remembered how he had drowned in that ocean of ecstasy and how he thought if he died at that very moment, he would be very happy. He remembered the sweet words that were whispered at his ear. He remembered the moon glowing shamelessly in the dark sky.
Even as he remembered all this, he wondered why he can still see Kanda so clearly. Even though his heart had belonged to his master, why was he still able to recognize Kanda's face? Why was there no shame or guilt in all this?
The bed smashed heavily against the wall, forcing Timcanpy to take refuge on the chair next to Mugen. Allen nearly lost his breath as Kanda angled his thrusts, making sure to hit that special place inside him that blurred the line between pleasure and pain. "Ah…ha….gah…" He panted and moaned as Kanda momentarily slipped out of him, flipped him around and reentered him. Allan gripped hard on the sheets as he felt Kanda's sex penetrate deeper inside him. "Ka… Kanda…" he gasped as the movement resumed. In and out. Thrusting. Nothing but wet noises. It drove him insane.
He knew he wasn't long, most especially when a hand snaked around his waist and began to pleasure him. A wet tongue and teeth nibbled at the skin of his neck, his hands began to reach out for anything solid to hold on to. When he didn't, he reached behind him and pulled on the taller boy's hair, running it loose from its usual ponytail. However, this seemed to arouse the boy even further and gave heavier thrusts.
"Ah… ah…. Ha…"
Allen followed those movements, unable to control the desire of his body. It felt so good. How could this be wrong? He felt Kanda's tongue on his earlobe, it made the skin on his hair stand. Kanda whispered something in his ear, but he was overcome with bliss that he couldn't make out the words. In another minute or so, he came hard. He released on to the sheets, and crashed down on the mattress, breathless and exhausted.
Kanda was also panting hard, but he was far from done. He slowly rose, pulling himself out of the younger boy, flipping him back on to his back. Allen lay, spread-eagled with his eyes dazed with satisfaction. He took a deep breath as Kanda reentered him and once again started thrusting. He looked into Kanda's eyes, feeling immersed with its intensity.
"Kan…da," he weakly said. "I…"
"I told you not to say anything anymore," interrupted Kanda as he kissed the younger boy. He clasped their hands together as he felt himself reach the limit. He was close. He wanted to get there. He wanted to feel the same euphoria that Allen had felt.
The walls in Allen clamped tightly around him, and he knew he was close. He gave a few more thrusts before finally releasing his seed deep inside the smaller boy. Not a sound escaped his mouth but he felt the pleasure, and it crashed on him like waves. He rode it out, emptying his load into the young man underneath him. And when it finally settled, he collapsed on top of the boy, tired and spent. He held the boy's face in his hands and kissed those lips ever so gently.
"You… Don't ever forget this…" he said in-between gasps, and kissed the young boy once more.
Allen didn't understand what that meant, but he just nodded and responded to those kisses. A new passion overtook them, and the moon indulged them with all the glow they needed. No one would know. This sin would be just another secret only the moon knew: their midnight sin.
The sun hadn't even risen yet when Kanda awoke. He felt sweaty and sticky. His hair was a mess and he was trapped in a mess of limbs and sheets. But he had no desire nor energy to get up and get washed. He turned to look at his companion, the person occupying the other side of the bed. This is the real first time he had observed the small bean sprout has he slept, and he had to admit, the kid did look adorable.
He traced those features with his eyes: white hair, short eyelashes, that scar that started from the jaw, up the eye and forming a pentagram on the left side of the forehead. As he studied that eye, Kanda replayed the scene in his head—how Allen had looked at them with such astonishment, Alma Karma lay in his arms. Allen had seen something, no doubt about it, and Alma's sudden choice to end his lie affirmed it. But what he knew—something Allen must not know—is that he had seen it as well.
He didn't know how, but the moment when Alma had "died", he saw it. He saw her. He couldn't understand how he saw it, but he did. It was probably due to Allen's left eye. He remembered Lavi and Krory telling them about when Allen's ability had been amplified, allowing others to see what he was seeing. The way they had described the Akuma's soul was frightening, and it agonized him knowing he wasn't able to save her.
He had approached Allen to discuss this, but all he saw was the wound—now a scar—of when he had struck the boy down. It wasn't Alma or the Earl who turned Allen into the Fourteenth. It wasn't Cross' death that drove him to it. No, it was him—Kanda. It was his fault that the other part of Allen had awakened. His fault that it nearly consumed his comrade, which would've probably resulted in the defeat of the Black Order. Worst, there was nothing he could do to rectify the situation.
He didn't know what had returned Allen to his senses, whether it was the memory of Cross Marian or perhaps the foster father Mana. But it was clear to Kanda that he did not have any role other than to destroy something that was already delicate. If that's the case, then his existence is no different from Noah's.
He ran his fingers through that mop of white hair, trailing down the nape of the neck, across the chest, and down to where a terrible scar had now appeared. In all honesty, he seriously intended to only talk. It's not like he had a carnal craving that he had wanted Allen to satisfy. No, he really just wanted to ask him everything he saw about her. But when he saw the boy, he saw someone who was also struggling, bearing the same pain as he did, and suddenly everything about her left his mind. Memories of Cross exiting Allen's room, the hickey on the boy's neck, all of it came rushing back to him. And deep inside, there was a voice calling out, demanding to take him—claim him.
He rejected it at first. He reasoned that he loved her and only her. His sin of not saving her nor being able to return to her would not be erased. But in the presence of this boy who was hurting just as much as he was, all of his arguments began to die, and the voices in his head became louder and louder. He didn't know what it all meant, but he acted on those desires, and now he is in bed with another man by the name of Allen Walker.
He sighed as he clasped hands with the younger boy, causing the latter to stir in his sleep. It didn't matter to him if Allen had seen him as a replacement for Cross, or if the boy thought he was using him as a replacement for her. It didn't matter if, later on, they would awake awkwardly to one another and not speak about it, returning to how they normally treat each other.
It didn't matter to Kanda, because he had finally realized something: He had made a promise to come back to her, yet he didn't realize she was already beside him. He had something so precious but failed to realize that, hence, ended up losing it. This time, he won't commit the same mistake.
"Bean sprout," he murmured and drifted back to sleep.
I admit that I'm originally a Yullen fan.
Honestly, the whole Alma and Yu ordeal had a lot of yaoi elements in it, especially when Alma is revealed to be the girl that Kanda originally had been searching for. It has such bittersweet moments. This story immediately popped into my head after reading chapter 198. Rather than make it a separate story, I thought of tying this with Midnight Sin because, well… because I thought it'd look great.
Is there going to be a third sin, I wonder? If there is, it'll undoubtedly be with Lavi, but that'll only happen if something happens in the manga that inspires me to write it.
After reading chapter 199, I wonder what's to be the fate of Kanda. The first mission that he and Allen had together was in that ghost town where they met the living doll Lala. Does this mean that Kanda is not returning the Order? More importantly, why does it feel like D. Gray-Man is nearing its closure? No, it's just in my head. Kanda return to the Order and fill us with more Yullen moments! I practically rejoiced when he called Allen by name, but when he did, it really felt like a goodbye. T_T
Uhm… about Endless Summer… I'm still not done with the chapter… I hate not meeting deadlines… I'll try to get it done by next week. So sorry for the long wait.
Hope you all loved it. Please review.