AN: This is all in fun and I do not own the quotes in italics or the original characters.
Not just human fans enjoy pondering the meaning of the random quotes offered by Stephenie Meyer, but my family found them fascinating in the extreme. So much so that Emmett proposed a contest of who could devise the funniest way one of the quotes would fit into the story and, not surprisingly, we all took up his challenge.
"There has to be one rule with Emmett's challenge," Bella suggested, "All of them must come in the order they were presented."
"Yippee, mine's first," Alice chimed in gleefully.
"Yes, and I knew exactly where she used it," Bella quipped.
"Okay, I'm game. During what situation will Alice say this?" Emmett asked.
"That's easy. What's Alice's favorite activity?" Bella replied.
"Shopping," everyone answered at once, which caused an eruption of laughs.
"My mistake," Bella finally added as soon as she could stop laughing. "Then it's her second favorite. In the story, Alice will want to through a bridal shower for Bella . . ."
"More likely a bachelorette party," Rose threw in under her breath, but we all heard it.
"Either way," Bella continued, "Edward will caution against it and Alice will say, 'I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors.'"
"To which I would reply, 'Why don't you just tell me who wins?' Much like I do when she challenges me card games." I shot back. Playing with Alice was little challenge; I knew what she was thinking and she saw what I was planning to do. At least we were equal, but still . . . where's the fun in the competition when that happens.
"Sure, and Alice replies, 'I do. Excellent.' Okay, so why would you believe her?" Bella turned to me with expectation.
"Because she saw it happen and she is hardly ever wrong," I answered.
"Did it ever dawn on you, or any of you," she turned and looked at the room in general, "That she might not be telling the truth?"
"How can you say that?" Alice's face registered her hurt and dismay over Bella's comment.
I couldn't help but wonder myself why she said it, or even why Alice would have to lie about what she saw.
"I see an admission coming," Emmett interjected with a broad grin.
"I'm hurt, Bella. I would never lie about one of my visions," Alice offered.
"Okay, what about that shopping trip last summer that you said I would really enjoy," Bella frowned as she spoke.
Alice put her hands together before replying, "But you did have fun, remember? We all laughed about it afterward."
"Alice, I nearly killed that guy. I didn't have fun, and despite the fact that I could laugh about a week later did not change the fact that I was miserable and he made it even worse." I saw Bella clinch her teeth as she spoke.
"Is this the trip were Bella broke the guys nose?" Emmett asked.
"He was lucky that was all I broke," Bella growled.
"I thought you said it was an accident," I remembered that trip. According to Bella, she bumped into some guy as she turned a corner, his sudden appearance had startled her causing her arm to flinch and she hit him with her hand breaking his nose, at least that was the story she told me.
Bella looked down at the floor avoiding eye contact with me, so I knew there was much more to the story than she had admitted at the time. I hadn't bothered to ask Alice about it because I had believed Bella's explanation about why she had come home so upset. "Yeah, well it was easier than telling you the truth, at least at that time."
"So tell me the truth now," I took her hand in mine, and with my other hand, I tilted her chin up so I would see her eyes.
"All right, but remember you asked. In an oh so normal Alice manner, she dragged me into the store and began piling different articles of clothing into my arms with the intent that I try every one of them on. There was a guy standing a little way off watching the spectacle and at some point he made a comment about a private show . . ."
"Wait, a private showing of what?" I turned to Alice for clarification because I could tell from Bella's look that she would not willing offer the information in front of the entire family.
Alice chuckled softly, "We were in Victoria Secrets. What do you think I was giving her to try on?"
"I miss the human Bella," Emmett interjected, "Right now she would be blushing every color of red that was humanly possible."
"Gee, thanks Emmett," Bella shot back sarcastically. "Anyway, he made that comment and I just ignored him. The next thing I knew, he had walked over to where I was standing and whispered in my ear as he grabbed my arm 'I could make your toes curl sweet cakes. Just bring one of those outfits along to my house and I'll show you what a real man can do.' My response was my elbow and I broke his nose."
I snarled under my breath at the thought that anyone would make such a pass to my wife, and it was a good thing she hadn't admitted this sooner because I would have broken more than his nose.
Bella ignored my snarl as she continued, "Then I made a comment about sexual harassment charges if he created a scene. I then dumped all the clothes on the floor and went out to sit in the car until Alice was ready to go home." She turned and focused on Alice, "No Alice, I didn't have fun, and even though we laughed about him getting what he deserved it didn't change the fact that I personally did not enjoy that shopping trip while it was happening."
"But you did enjoy the gift I gave you to make up for it," she offered with a smile.
"More like Edward enjoyed the gift and I enjoyed his response," she replied. "You know Alice, you could have just bought me the gift without making me go along."
Alice and Bella were both right about the gift. I thoroughly enjoyed it and Bella was pleased by my response, and that teddy outfit has made frequent reappearances over the year.
Alice pouted, "But Bella, you taught that guy a lesson that he needed. That in itself was a good thing. What if he had chosen someone less capable of defending themselves; he might have even forced them to go home with him. Besides, I did take you to a great bookstore afterward, and you did enjoy yourself there."
"Well, you do have a point and I did enjoy the bookstore," she admitted, "But that still does not change the fact that you will lie . . ." Alice glared at her comment, "Okay, alter the truth then – when you see something but don't want to tell the entire truth about what you saw. So, my questions still stands, why should Edward in the book believed Alice when she says she wins. Maybe she only said it to get her way."
"Good point," I admit. "I wonder if that Alice 'alters' the truth, and I wonder what she wants to do at this so called party, if that's what it's about, and if it will end up embarrassing for the fictitious Bella."
"I don't doubt that one bit," Bella replied causing Alice to frown even more.
"Enough Alice bashing," Jasper said as I felt waves of calmness spread over the room. "Let's deal with the next quote. 'Oh Mike! How will I go on?' Obviously, Mike is telling Bella he is dumping her for someone else – Lauren no doubt. Bella is so heartbroken by the news that she asks him how she will ever go on without him."
Emmett's laugh was the loudest in the room.
"You wicked boy," Esme chimed, "picking on the human like that. Poor Mike, he is probably telling Bella that if she marries Edward, he will no longer be a contender for her hand. Of course, Bella's comment will be sarcastically spoken."
"I've got the next one," Rose said. "This one is obvious. The Alaskan vampires show up for the wedding, and since Tanya was the one who had a thing for Edward, she gets flirty with him in front of Bella by say, 'Ah, Edward. I've missed you.'" As she read the quote, her tone was both sensual and flirty causing Bella to growl defensively.
"And Bella, being the smart girl she is, knew Edward cared nothing for the strawberry blond from Alaska," I crooned softly as I ran my finger down Bella's check. "In fact, I bet Edward was looking lovingly at Bella while Tanya spoke."
"I bet that is where Emmett's comment comes in. As Tanya is speaking, Bella makes that face she always makes when she is upset or mad and stomps her foot and Emmett replies, 'Oooo, scary,' and stop scowling at me Bella, you know the face I mean."
I chuckled; I knew that face too, but I rather like it. Then I offered as Bella turned her eyes upon me, "You have to admit it wasn't very scary when you were human. In fact, I found it rather endearing."
"I don't find that one bit funny," Bella intoned.
Jasper laughed as he commented, "I thought she had indigestion when she looked like that. I wasn't aware that she was meaning to scare us with that look," causing Bella to growl loudly. "Honestly Bella, when you make that face now you look much fiercer. Maybe it's because then we knew you couldn't hurt us but know, well . . . you know sometimes when I watch you take down a grizzly bear I kinda miss the weak needy human Bella." To which Bella picked up a pillow from the sofa and hurled it at Jasper's head; Alice deftly intercepted it and promptly hit Jasper over the head with it.
"Don't even ask," Alice, warned him.
"I wasn't as bold as the fictitious Bella or I would have asked the same thing she did. 'Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?'"
"And Emmett, who would be standing right next to Jasper at the time would have replied, 'Hell yes,' and I would have heard the whole thing upstairs and would have yelled, 'Over my pile of ashes.'"
"That's out of context Rose," Emmett warned.
"But oh so truthful. I know you Emmett, it's who you are and what you do, and I know it was what you were originally planning for Edward's bachelor party before I put my foot down. No one else will ever be allowed to strip for you unless you would like to be permanently blind, which I can fix if the need should ever arise."
"I suppose that is where Carlisle's comment could fit in," he spoke for the first time that evening. "If you were to burn them after plucking them out, I could say, 'I've seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions that even venom cannot overcome.'"
Emmett chuckled, "Rose, no woman could ever tempt me to look if I thought I would never be able to gaze upon you lovely form as a result of the temptation."
"Stop it Emmett, that is not a sight I want to remain in my head," I yelled. It was disgusting when he did that. Rose was my sister and the only one I ever wanted to see naked was Bella. "If you must do that, please take it upstairs."
"If you say so," Emmett growled softly as he swept Rose up and disappeared up the stairs.
"Well, there goes the competition," Bella said sadly. Then she looked up at me and her smile spread through her entire face making it glow. "Maybe we could have another completion, one that might be more pleasurable and satisfying." I saw a new sparkle in her eyes just before she bit my earlobe lightly and whispered, "Race you to the bedroom."