I don't know where the inspiration for this came from. Basically, for those who don't know, Lavi's 48th alias was confirmed in the anime to be 'Dick'.
My poor, poor baby. Hoshino obviously has no idea what he/she's done.
It's a bit of a crack-fic. I wrote it in the wee hours of the English morn. Pity me. It's August and it's fucking storming.
Please review. I'll send you virtual love via your USB port.
When Choosing an Alias...
If there was one rule that Bookman had smacked in to the head of his apprentice the most, it would definitely have to be 'Don't wear your emotions like clothes.'
Even more so than 'Watch only from the sidelines', 'Don't get involved in the matter of others unless digging for facts' and, of course, 'Don't leave my pudding out, or it'll get that horrible slimy layer on the top and then you'll be sorry'.
No. He wasn't to show his emotions.
He could possess them, he supposed. He could show fake ones, which is what he usually did. As much as the Bookmen would have liked to over the centuries, they simply could not eradicate all emotion from a human. It was impossible, and the more you tried, the more likely the test-subject was to snap in a huge, ridiculous outburst of feelings complete with jazz-hands and spirit-fingers.
And thus follows something stupid, like thrusting yourself in to a volcano for the woman you secretly loved or punching the face of some world leader and inevitably starting a civil war, ensuring the death of thousands.
And then, of course, some other poor, unsuspecting Bookman would actually have to go out and record your stupidity so that other Bookmen in years to come could sit down by the fireside and chortle about how much of an ass you were.
Needless to say, it was generally avoided.
Yet, as much as he tried, as much as the long-forgotten bruises beneath his red mane were screaming at him, Lavi was having a pretty hard time keeping a straight face.
Because the most vicious and seemingly uncaring person ever to walk across God's earth was laughing at him.
He supposed he should probably be worried for Kanda's health, considering that he was also a person who had a tendency to mask their emotions as well as anything else that might give an onlooker the idea that he was even the slightest bit safe to approach. The 'Don't Fuck With Me Or I'll Rip Out Your Intestines' aura that surrounded him did away with that misconception most of the time.
Though today that aura was dropped. It was not a frown that graced that pretty, pretty face, of which Lavi was sure to point out by the end of this, oh no, not at all. It was a smirk. A smirk that made the very pits of hell look like a scented candle.
And only one word came from those curled lips. Only one.
Oh, dear lord.
Lavi slipped a finger under his eye patch to rub his temple free of frustration again. He supposed he should have seen this coming, with the amount of time he spent teasing his comrade.
Lavi had always thought that the emotion Kanda built up was let out every once in a while when he decided that he'd very much like to have rabbit meat on his soba. But apparently not. All those burning feelings, temptations, hormones and what have you were now, it seemed, being vented out on one innocent (ha) exorcist.
"Yes, Yu, we all know it's a funny word."
"I can't believe it."
The feeling was entirely mutual, and Lavi let his eyes fall to a roll.
The same monotonous tone answered Kanda. Perhaps Lavi thought that if he was very quiet, the big bad Kanda would go away.
"Well, I can't believe you're laughing at me over something like this."
"Do you know what I can't believe?"
Sigh. "What, Yu."
"I can't believe," Kanda's glee betrayed him as he snickered a little, "that you were once referred to as 'Dick.'"
Lavi pressed the heel of his hand to his eye.
"Oh yes. Fascinating. Definitely one for the history books. We should make a big historical document about it! I'm sure that would be informative."
"And- And that you would wake up every morning-"
The redhead pondered for a moment over which was a crueler fate; putting up with Kanda trying to be funny or jumping out of the nearest window.
"You do realise that you name is a synonym for cock, correct?"
"It's not my name!" Lavi finally snapped at him, tiring of this rather quickly. "It's an alias. It was an alias, at least. And that was over two years ago."
Kanda shook his head smugly.
"The fact remains."
Lavi at least managed to mask his surprise that Kanda was actively following him through this corridor, smirking, effectively giving people heart attacks by doing so. Wow. He shuddered a little. Kanda must really hate him.
... "Nahh. He couldn't, I'm like his best frie-"
"What was that, penis?"
And that is when Lavi's face got acquainted with his palm - a dysfunctional love story.
"Yu, as fun as it is for me to have your lovely self call me something that secretes human excrement, could you not? Yes, it's funny, no, I didn't enjoy it. Are you happy?"
"I am fantastic, erection."
Kanda stopped after Lavi had, somehow, thrown a golem at his head, which had started a battle between the two of them that had rather successfully obliterated the Order's West Wing. Lenalee's room had been decimated in the process, which was an act for which she had to retrieve her heaviest clipboard for.
Kanda had enough sanity left to escape, at least. Lavi on the other hand had lovely new feminine bruises to accompany those of his master.
And Bookman, of course, did contribute to Lavi's collection. It seems that destroying half a building with only the excuse of "He called me names!" to accompany you was a legitimate reason to add a Lavi-shaped hole in the wall of whatever was left of the Order, despite how 'heated' and 'epic' the battle was.
Lavi didn't talk to Kanda for a while. Kanda couldn't complain until his childhood companion eventually hunted him down with a bookbinder. And the infirmary was getting increasingly less full of heart-attack victims as the days went on.
It seemed everyone was happy.
Kanda was pleased enough. He now had something to retort with whenever Lavi commented on the unintentional softness of his skin.
Lenalee went along with her life.
As did the several finders who eventually recovered from their various afflictions.
Bookman even got some research out of it, despite how many times he had brought an almighty foot down on to the teen's temple. When choosing an Alias, try to steer away from bodily vocabulary.
Even Lavi, who seemed to be the victim in all this, had a silver lining to his predominantly grey cloud, in spite of Kanda's… well, spite.
At least the one teasing him wasn't Allen.