Title: Yet Another Stargate Parody
Occurs: Either 1994 or 1997 (pre-season 1)
Spoilers: Stargate (movie)
Description: Meet Colonel Jack O'Neill, Colonel Jack O'Neil, Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter (!) and a bunch of random soldiers as they go to Abydos. Archeology and discovery included, as well as fight scenes, excessive shooting, and considerable laughs.
This is my first parody of Stargate! I haven't actually seen Stargate in years so I'm working off Wikipedia mostly. The humour is in some ways similar to my Redwall parody Fight For Freedom. There will be huge spoilers for the movie and probably other parts of the series as well. Don't say I didn't warn you!
In the middle of the desert people were pulling up a big ring thing. Later it would be called a Stargate, but for now it's a ring thing. Then one Egyptian guy got a sliver in his hand. He screamed and dropped to the sand in pain. The ring thing fell over and crushed what would later be called a DHD. This affects continuity though, or it will. Oh well. We couldn't have known without a time machine.
Present Day (either 1994 or 1997)
Daniel Jackson was the dumbest, most worthless archaeologist/Egyptologist in the world. His life was a complete failure. Well, according to everyone listening to his lecture, anyway. "Look, I'm telling you, aliens built the pyramids! Don't walk out on me, I'm not crazy!"
Then an old lady came up to him. She looked both ways, then asked "Do you want a job?"
"How much does it pay? What is it?" Daniel asked.
"It pays considerably less than minimum wage and it's tedious work decoding hieroglyphics for the Air Force." she replied.
"I'll take it. Even though I will regret it."
Colonel O'Neil (missing one l, the funny l of course) was about to shoot himself. However he missed and shot and killed his son, who is Tyler in the movie but Charlie in the TV show. His son, Tyler in the movie and Charlie in the TV show, took the bullet through the leg. He wouldn't have died if he didn't fall on the bucket of boiling oil in the corner of the room. Colonel O'Neil was going to kill himself because his son died of course, but it was a case of chicken or the egg because he only attempted it because his son died because he attempted it because- you get the picture.
Suddenly four air force guys (girls?) burst through the door.
"What the hell, you could've just knocked!" yelled O'Neill.
"That isn't Sam coming for you to cheat on me is it?" asked his wife Sara(h) from the kitchen.
"No, she's not even in this movie. I don't think so anyway." he yelled back.
"Hello, I'm Captain Samantha Carter. We need you back, sir."
"I'm gonna divorce you! First you kill our son and now you're dating Sam? I'll be gone tomorrow."
"Wow these translations are something else, in a bad way, a very bad way. You see they probably relied on the work of... you aren't listening are you." The guard near the door seemed to stare right through Daniel. He was wearing an SGC patch on one arm.
The first line's translation read:
Several million years (into the) sky Ra takes (can't read, either aim or some alien drug)
Daniel translated it to:
This goes (to) Abydos (for) sure, (and) probably other (places) too
The second line read:
Coffin Awww I don't feel so good, I think I'm going to... nevermind I did
Daniel's translation was:
Sealed (and) buried (because) we can't build (an) iris
The final line had the translation:
Daniel scowled, crossed it out and chalked down Stargate Command. Then he decided he didn't like it, so he crossed out Command and replaced it with SG-1. He looked at it for a few moments, then shortened it to Stargate.
"I've got it! I figured out what to call the movie!"
Sometime during the translation Carter had popped in. He he he... popped is such a funny word. Yes I know she's not supposed to be in the... oh nevermind. Everyone loves Sam so she's in.
"That's nice, but you were supposed figure out what to call the ring."
"How about Stargate?"
"Normally I don't like naming the thing the plot revolves around after the name of the movie, but I don't have any other ideas." She turned to the guard. "Do you?"
"Then it's settled. We'll call it the stargate!" said Daniel. "Now I have to deal with these glyphs."
The translation of the address symbols read:
Ego operor non reputo is est a verus lingua is planto haud voluntas procul totus
"Wait a minute... he didn't even translate it!"
Daniel translated it nearly instantly to:
'A' missing a line, Crater, Virgo, Bootes, Centaurus, Libra, Serpens Caput, Norma, Scorpius, Scutum, Sagittarius, Aquila, Microscopium, Capricornus, Pisces Austrinus, Equulius, Aquarius, Pegasus, Sculptor, Pisces, Andromeda, Triangulum, Aries, Perseus, Cetus, Taurus, Auriga, Eridanus, Orion, Canis Minor, Monoceros, Gemini, Hydra, Lynx, Cancer, Sextans, Leo Minor, Leo
"Hmmmm, this makes no sense! Wait, there's something familiar about this." Daniel puzzled for three hours before having a eureka moment and running through the halls screaming "I've got it!" He dashed into the briefing room where General West, General Hammond, and Colonel O'Neil were having a meeting. "I've got it, they're constellations!"
"Yeah, that's nice, but how does that help us?" asked Colonel O'Neill, who was also in the room.
"Hey, you're me, except with a smaller chin, and funny!" retorted Colonel O'Neil.
"Yeah, don't forget the extra 'l'. You know, the funny one."
"Oh, so I'm not funny! What about this: Give my regards to King Tut, asshole!"
"That's the lamest one-liner I've ever heard!"
"COLONEL!" Everyone, including Daniel, turned to look at Major Carter in the doorway. Yes, she got promoted. No, I don't know why. Ask General Hammond.
"What?" asked both O'Neil and O'Neill.
"You're not supposed to be here, Colonel, and neither am I. C'mon, let's go to the movie theater. They're showing Continuum."
O'Neil began to step towards Carter but was stopped by O'Neill's nasty look. That and the fact that O'Neill was carrying a loaded gun.
"Gentlemen, please take your seats again. We have a mission to plan." He paused for a very long time.
"Our objective is in Fallujah, Iraq..."
Don't worry! Both Sam and Jack will be back! Oh yeah- whoever figures out what the original address glyph translation is gets a virtual cookie. Here's a hint in question form: Who built Atlantis?