Sorry it's been so long, I've been busy. Well not really, I just forgot about this story. I'm going to be alternating updates between this and 200:Missing Scenes.
I haven't seen the Stargate movie in ages, mostly I've been guessing at the plot and using the very-summarized Wikipedia entry.
"I can't do it!"
"Oh that's just great. Now we're stuck on some craphole alien rock with no civilization within a thousand miles," replied O'Neill.
"I'm going to go set up a nuke- I mean use the washroom," said O'Neil, leaving.
"Have fun. And try not to get lost."
In fact, O'Neil did just that. He spent half an hour looking for a washroom, found one, then realized he had to find the nuke and spent another half an hour finding it.
"So, you carried all of that... stuff here on your backs?" O'neill asked, looking at the huge concrete bunker the team had erected. "I mean, it's really nice, but..."
O'Neil and O'Neill walked into the nice air-conditioned lobby of the bunker as O'Neil started to think of some watered-down semblance of an O'Neill joke.
"It's too big," replied O'Neil, startling everyone, "It's just a big target."
"You know, there's a reason all the fans like me better!" retorted O'Neill.
O'Neil went into fetal position and cried. "snif snif, it's true, the fans hate me because I'm an uptight asshole with no sense of humour, that's the real reason I wanted to kill myself"
"Now now, you're not that bad, it's just that your character sucked, because the original people who made the movie are idiots. So is the author of this, by the way, because I wanted to jump right into the SG1 parody." said O'Neill rather bluntly.
"You know, I really don't see how the author is going to get to that. Between the 200: Missing Scenes story, and the complete rewrite of seasons 7-10 and Atlantis, he's not going to have time. Plus there's that AU that's rumoured to be in the works." said Daniel, appearing out of nowhere for effect, as opposed to just being there the whole time. He wasn't, trust me. He popped out of nowhere. He definitely did not use the door.
"Oh yeah, that one where I get to be a CIA analyst in a space version of the Cold War. Fun stuff." interjectificated Sam, you guessed it- appearing out of nowhere!
O'Neil, who was now no longer in fetal position and had stopped crying, forcefully ordered them to move out.
"Welcome to Abydos. You must be travellers from a great distance. Come inside, I will give you food."
O'Neill smacked Daniel with some random object. "Would you stop saying random things in gibberish, it's really annoying."
"It's not gibberish, it's a traditional Arabic travellers greeting."
"It's all Greek to me!" said O'Neill, throwing his arms up.
"Actually, no, Greek is considerably different, though there are some similarities, Greak is something else entirely."
O'Neil inturrupted them both. "Hey look a town. Looks Egyptian."
"Finally! I've been walking around in a desert for hours now! Why couldn't they give us a Humvee, it would have fit through the gate. Oh man I can feel the plot building already!" said O'Neill in giddy excitement.
"One of these days we should all go on a reality show. That would be great. And maybe," said Sam in a romantic tone, "we could finally get it on. Away from that bitch wife of yours."
"HEY! Sara(h) is not a bitch, just a really generic wife that appears in one episode and doesn't do anything, has largely been forgotten by season 3, and serves to do nothing but prevent out romantic relationship from going forward. What a bitch!" retorted O'Neill.
"Hello travellers. I am Skaara, mysterious Egyptian person which somehow got on this planet and somehow speaks English."
"Oh hi. I'm Jack O'Neill, USAF Colonel who for no reason likes you a lot."
"Guys, there is a perfectly logical explanation. Skaara's ancestors were brought by Ra, a fake god, and you like him because he reminds you of Charler, um I mean Tylie." stated O'Neil.
"And he speaks English... how?" asked O'Neill.
Then Skaara inturrupted, "Welcome to Abydos, nearest planet to Earth with stargate, or furthest if you read the measurements backwards. Come into our villiage."
"So that's why they thought this planet was in another galaxy." said O'Neill.
"It is! At least according to MY continuity!" retorted O'Neil, who was suddenly angry.
"Then why didn't we need a ZPM?" re-retorted O'Neill.
"Because they don't exist yet!" re-re-retorted O'Neil.
While everyone else was partying with the locals, Daniel decided to explore for no real reason. Because he is curious to the point of stupidity, he decided to check out some unstable underground catacombs first. On the way he bumped into Sha're, who would later become a big romantic relationship. But right now she just smiled and for no real reason Jackson decided he liked her. But he had pointless digging to do.
Inside the catacombs he found a big wall with a mural and a bunch of hieroglyphs. He translated one line to:
OMGWTFBBQ Ra is not a god he just stol humuns frm erth end tok them heere aftr thy baried teh gate.
And that's one more chapter! Lots more references, and random humour. Maybe I've got my parody mojo back.