This fic is rated M for strong language, what is most likely gutter humor, and drug references.
EDIT: Someone asked me if the actual movie had this much strong language...While it does have strong language in it, it's not quite as strong as this. I tend to overuse bad words when I'm tired, and I was pretty exhausted while I wrote this. Sorry. Maybe I'll make an edited version for those of you who don't like the language later?
EDIT AGAIN: Alright, I have an edited version written out. I'm not sure if I'm gonna post it though…if you want it, ask, and I'll submit it as a separate story.
!!SPOILER WARNING!! I suggest watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse before reading this if you haven't already.
Well here it is... This is THE longest thing I have ever written. 10,082 words…wow… Also, this seemed funnier while I was actually writing it, but upon looking it over, I think it got a little TOO close to the actual movie (makes sense…I was using the movie as a reference while I wrote it to make sure it was movie accurate; it got a bit TOO movie accurate, which is why it's so long). If I ever write another Transformers movie parody (I'm tempted to do one for Alien, but I probably won't), I'll try not to make it quite like this.
Keep a look out. There are references to a few of my stories (The Great Canadian Wilderness, Showing Off) and a couple reoccurring themes as well as a reference to The Rude Awakening of Optimus Prime in here, and various pop-culture references.
Bumblebee as Alice- I had to add him in somehow…
Prowl as Jill Valentine- They're both cops. They're both bad ass. Need I explain this choice? ;D
Barricade as Carlos Olivera- Barricade is awesome. Carlos is my favorite character. Therefore, I thought he'd be the best choice for this role.
Fallout as Peyton Wells- I wanted to use my OC for him, especially since I've always imagined that if he were human, Fallout would be a kick-ass black guy. He's a bit out of character, but hey, so is everyone else in this fic. I should also add that Razaaq Adoti would also be a likely candidate to play the voice of Fallout in the Transformers movies if I owned Hasbro. He's an awesome actor.
Megatron as Major Timothy Cain- Who would have thought that I'd pick the leader of the Decepticons as the main antagonist?
Optimus Prime as Doctor Ashford- I'm not even sure what made me pick Optimus for this role. Don't question my greatness!
Bonecrusher as Terry Morales- I couldn't think of anyone else for this role, so I just decided to torment poor Bonecrusher.
Frenzy as Angela Ashford- Who better to play a little girl than Frenzy?
Jazz as L.J.- Another of my favorite characters. Jazz was, in my opinion, the best choice for this role.
Blackout as Nicholai Ginovaef- I always like to pair up Barricade with Blackout, mostly because I like both of them. Nicholai was awesome in this movie (I'm angry that he had to die), so therefore I chose my favorite Bayformers Decepticon for the role. He also doubles as their helicopter. ;D
Brawl as Yuri- He got rejected for the role of Nemesis, so I made it up to him by adding him as another role.
Shockwave as Dr. Isaacs- Need I explain this choice?
Ironhide as Nemesis (Nemmy-hide)- He likes guns. So does Nemesis.
Scion (fan character), Carnivac and Weirdwolf as the Cerberus trio
Scorponok and Beast Wars Rampage as the Lickers (there's only two because I couldn't think of anyone to play the third Licker)
Various Transformers, both canon and generic, as zombies
Starscream, Soundwave, the Lambo twins, Arcee, Cyclonus (Unicron trilogy) and Sniper (fan character) as minor characters
Generic Transformers as generic characters
It was a beautiful day in Cyber-Raccoon City. The sun was out, Laserbeak and Buzzsaw were singing, the sparklings were out playing, and everybody was getting on with their normal, boring lives. Yes, nothing was out of the ordinary today.
"Good evening, this is Bonecrusher with the god damn news," Bonecrusher mumbled. "It's all hot and shit, and it's nice and sunny. And in other news, I hate you all. Good day." The guy with the camera shook his head.
Meanwhile, underneath the city...
"Alright, so now we open it, right?" a Decepticon asked.
"Yep. Shockwave's orders," the other replied.
"Hold on...We sent an entire team of specially trained soldiers in there before. All but two were violently slaughtered. Out of the two that came out, only one of them was okay, and the other wasn't in the best shape...so now we want to open it and see what's inside?"
"Seems logical enough. Alright, open it up!"
As soon as they opened the gate, they noticed the virus contamination levels rise and a bunch of heat signatures on their scanners headed their way. The last thing someone said before they all were eaten was, "Hey, is that Scorponok and Rampage?"
Optimus Prime heard a knock on the door. He opened it to see two drones standing out there. "What do you want?"
"There's been an incident," one of the drones said. "Come with us. We already sent someone for your "daughter", Frenzy."
"Um...why aren't you in a wheelchair?" the other drone asked.
"Why would I be? My legs work just fine," he replied.
"Because you're playing the role of someone in a wheelchair," the first drone replied.
"Yeah, so?" he shrugged. "My legs are fine. I can walk."
One of the drones pulled out a pistol and shot Optimus in the leg, allowing him to fall down the front steps. "Alright, Bob. Get out the wheelchair."
"Asshole," Optimus growled.
Back at the school, the whole class went silent as Frenzy (wearing a purple dress and a bow on his head for the part) gathered his things and followed two drones out of the school. One of them transformed into vehicle-mode and allowed him to climb in the passenger side. Along the way, Frenzy started to get bored. He accidentally knocked over his scalding hot cup of coffee, causing the drone to start screaming and cursing him out.
"What's this do?!" he shrieked, pushing a button. The stereo started blasting Slipknot music, scaring the crap out of the drone. "Ooh!! I like this song!!" he clapped his hands together and started bouncing on the seat.
"GAH!! Turn that shit off!!" the drone screamed.
"What's that do?!" he shrieked again, turning on the car alarm. He started pushing random buttons while the drone begged him to stop, turning on the windshield wipers, GPS, washer fluid, and built in TV, which was currently playing Gone With The Wind. "I hate this movie!!" he growled, changing it to Spongebob Squarepants. The drone was unable to pay attention to the road and got nailed by another 'former, getting flipped over onto his back. Frenzy dropped out of his seatbelt. "DAMN!! That was fun!! Let's do that again!!" The drone didn't respond. He nudged him, didn't get a response, shrugged, and walked away.
"And in other news, the city is being overrun by zombies. In fact, there are several outside the studio as we speak," said the radio announcer.
Prowl shook his head. "Told ya so." A Pop-Tart popped out of the toaster behind him.
The sounds of windows shattering and the door being knocked down were heard on the radio station. "Oh, FUCK! They're in the building! Well, it's been nice preaching to ya folks, I gotta go... OH SHIT!! PAIN!!"
Prowl quickly turned off the radio to get rid of the disturbing noises and chewing sounds. His police scanner requested that all units report for duty immediately. "Well, it's time to go to work," he said before grabbing his gear and walking out the front door. He ran back in and snatched his Pop-Tart before running back out.
Upon entering the police station, he found his fellow officers being assaulted by zombies. "Hey guys," he said upon entering.
"Prowl! What's up! How's your girlfriend?" one of his friends said while he struggled to hold a zombified Blaster away from his face.
"Oh, she's fine. Thank you for asking," he replied.
"Hey look! Prowl's back! Hi Prowl!" someone else screamed. Before Prowl could answer, he said, "Oh, can you hold that thought? I'm being eaten by a zombie."
"Look Mom! I'm a zombie!" Bluestreak screamed into a camera before eating one of the officers. Back at home, his mom was watching the news, crying proudly, and poking her friends saying, "That's my baby on TV there as a zombie!".
"Hey Prowl, could you maybe lend us a hand?" one of his buddies said while he was being eviscerated.
Prowl sighed. "Yeah, I guess..." he then proceeded to shoot all the zombies and noticed Jazz handcuffed to the bench with a zombie handcuffed next to him.
"Hi, Prowl!" Jazz waved.
"Jazz, were you releasing eels into the local swimming pool again?" Prowl asked.
"Yeah..." he glanced over at the zombie next to him. "Oh, by the way, could you help out maybe?"
"Well, because I like you, I guess I will." He shot the zombie next to him, and shot Jazz's handcuffs off.
"Thank you!" he called after him while he left and instructed everyone else to leave the city. "Man, I love that guy..."
Bumblebee woke up in a hospital of some sorts, in his protoform and strapped up to various instruments. "Woah, that must have been one hell of a party," he grumbled before tearing out the wires and cables hooked up to him. He glanced around, wondering how he was gonna get out. He got an idea and picked the lock with one of the wires, then walked out into the hall. "Where is everybody?" he asked, looking around. He didn't see anybody anywhere, so he just left.
He glanced around. The city was destroyed. Corpses were everywhere. Random things were somehow on fire. "Wow... That party was more out of hand than I thought..."
People were crowding around the exit, waiting to evacuate the city. "So, why exactly are we evacuating, anyway?" Sideswipe asked.
"I don't know...I think they said it was a "zombie outbreak" or something," Sunstreaker replied.
"Zombies?! But why do we have to leave? I want to be a zombie!" Sideswipe complained.
"Well I don't...Do you know what being dead will do to my paintjob?" Sunstreaker countered. Sideswipe shook his head.
Meanwhile, a certain MH-53 Pave Low was flying overhead the city. "So, does anyone want to play Uno?" Blackout asked his passengers.
"No, I don't want to play Uno!" Barricade snapped. "We've been playing Uno this whole fucking trip!"
"Well what else are we supposed to do in this time?" Blackout asked. "All we have is Candy Land, Uno, and Yahtzee."
"I'm hungry!" Brawl interrupted.
"So eat something!" Barricade growled.
"All there is to eat is you!"
"Hey Arcee, can I eat you?" Zombie-Springer asked.
"No, you can't eat me!" she replied.
"Please! It won't hurt for long! I'm just really hungry!"
"But I want to eat her!" Zombie-Hot Rod countered.
"Back off, she's mine!"
"Hey,hey,hey,Igotanidea,whydon'twejustshareher?" Zombie-Blurr suggested.
They all grew silent and looked at each other. They then looked back at Arcee. "Oh, shit..." she muttered before taking off running up the stairs. They quickly called all their friends and ran after her. She managed to make it to the top and realized that she couldn't remember the code for the door. She pounded the keyboard, frantically trying to remember it.
"Need some help?" Zombie-Smokescreen asked.
"Yes please," she replied.
"The code is "11-04-90". Banana chose it because it's her birthday," he replied.
Arcee punched in the code and heard the electronic dinging noise that indicated that the door was unlocked. "Oh, thanks, Zombie-Smokescreen!"
"No problem!" he replied before biting her arm.
"OW!! What the hell? You only helped me so you could eat me?!"
"It's effective to lure the victim into a false sense of security," he replied with her arm still in his mouth. She yanked free and ran onto the roof.
Blackout was at this time flying over her head. "Hey look guys," Barricade spoke up. "There's a lady running across the roof with zombies chasing her. Holy shit, it's Arcee."
"Yes? So?" Brawl asked.
"So let's go help her. We have nothing better to do."
"We can't do that!" Blackout said. "We have orders to do something else!" he protested.
"I don't know...I didn't read the memo. It had too many words and no pictures."
"Well you know what? Fuck orders! I'm goin' in!" Brawl and Blackout both protested as he jumped out of Blackout. He landed facedown on the roof in front of Arcee.
"Barricade? Oh great...and when I need help the most, Primus sends YOU!" Arcee moaned.
"Look, do you need my help or not?" Barricade growled as he pulled himself to his feet. She sighed and nodded. "Alright then...how do I get rid of all these zombies?" he suddenly got an idea. "Are you all hungry?" They all nodded. "And you want to eat her?" They nodded again. He pushed Arcee off the roof. "Well then, go get her!" He laughed when they all jumped off the roof after her. "Geez, if I threw a bacon strip into a wood chipper, they'd be the first ones in."
Blackout landed behind them and allowed Brawl to get out before transforming. "Why'd you jump out? I AM the helicopter. could have just dropped you off," Blackout asked. Barricade thought about that a moment and face-palmed.
Prowl pushed through the sea of Transformers waiting to leave the city, looking for a certain friend of his. He spotted who he was looking for. "Fallout!! Hey, Fallout!!" he called. Fallout couldn't hear him through the crowd, so he got another idea and threw someone's severed leg at him.
The leg smacked him upside the head and knocked him over. He quickly jumped back up. "Okay, who the fuck threw that?!" He noticed Prowl trying to approach him. "Prowl! Where've you been?" He pushed several cops aside. "Let him in, guys!"
"Well, I had to stop for food. Pop-Tart?" Prowl offered.
"Ooh! Mint chocolate chip flavor! My favorite!" he said, taking the pastry. They both heard a wee sparkling screaming and looked over to see her father turning into a zombie. "Oh cool! So that's how it works!" Fallout said, watching the process.
"Alright everybody, stay back!" Prowl said, pushing everyone back. Fallout pulled the screaming sparkling off of the zombie. "OH, SHUT UP!!" he screamed at her. "STOP SCREAMING!! You're so annoying!!" The zombie grabbed him and bit his leg. He managed to break free while Prowl shot it.
"You...you shot my daddy!" the sparking cried.
"Do you want to be next?" Fallout asked.
Megatron stood on top of the wall and watched the event taking place. He turned to Starscream. "It's reached the gate. Seal it now."
"Whatever," Starscream replied before complying.
As soon as the gates were closed, the remaining panicking Transformers looked back up at Megatron.
"Due to the risk of contamination, none of you will be allowed to leave," Megatron explained. "But for your troubles, you will each receive a free balloon. You can pick them up to your left. Afterwards, go back to your homes."
"I don't want a fucking balloon!" someone screamed.
"I do!" someone else screamed.
"If you do not comply and return to the city, we will be forced to do something horrible to you," Megatron warned.
"Yeah?! What's the worst you can do?!" someone in the crowd asked.
"Do it," Megatron said to Starscream. "I have to go before I miss Hannah Montana again."
"Lazy bum, can't even carry out his own threats," Starscream grumbled. "Alright! Open the box!" he called to some Decepticon soldiers below.
They opened the box and quickly ran away, some of them actually climbing the wall frantically to get away. "Oh shit..." Prowl uttered under his breath.
Bonecrusher pushed up next to him, filming the event with a camcorder. "Can they actually do this?"
Fallout caught a slight glimpse at what was in the box. "Oh SHIT! Everybody get back!" He and Prowl started pushing the crowd back.
A small orange and white Autobot stumbled out. "Wheelie's my name! Want to play a game?"
The crowd started screaming and everyone ran away as fast as they could.
"This is fun!" Barricade laughed while he shot at several zombies.
"Yes...fun..." Blackout grumbled. Brawl ran by screaming with three zombies lumbering after him.
"HEY EVERYBODY!! THINK FAST!!" Barricade called before hurling a grenade. They watched a fantastic display of an explosion with bodies flying up through the air. Body parts rained down on them. "Woah...I'm gonna do that again!" he said excitedly, reaching for another grenade.
"NO!!" Blackout protested, grabbing his arm.
Megatron was on his way back to his tent to watch Hannah Montana, when he noticed Optimus Prime (now in a wheelchair) approaching him. "Prime, shouldn't you be evacuating?"
"I'm not leaving without my pretend "daughter"!" Optimus growled. "Now where is he?"
"Optimus, I was instructed to get you and the other important people out of the city. Now get on the fucking helicopter before I bring Wheelie out here!" Megatron threatened.
"I'm not leaving without Frenzy."
Megatron growled. He was going to miss his show... "I want to watch TV. Now get on the helicopter!"
Optimus narrowed his optics. "I hope they cancel Grey's Anatomy."
Megatron gasped. "You bitch..." He checked his internal clock. He only had two minutes until the show started. "Alright, fine! You can stay!"
Optimus smirked triumphantly. "Perfect."
While Megatron was watching his shows (and frighteningly enough, singing along to the theme song; Soundwave and Starscream were rolling around on the ground outside his tent, screaming), Optimus snuck off to a tent and started hacking the security system. He thought hard to figure out what the password could be, then remembered the time Megatron had showed him his music library and typed in "Clay Aiken". He silently cheered when he broke past the firewall. He used the computer to determine that Frenzy was hiding at the school.
"Now how do I get him out?" Optimus thought out loud. He checked various surveillance cameras, but saw nothing but zombies and dead people. "What kind of a selfish person would let themselves die or be turned into zombies when I need their help?" He was about ready to give up, when he noticed someone walking along the street alone. "Bingo..."
Bumblebee walked along the city streets. He still didn't find anyone around that was still kicking, except for a hobo with a sandwich back at the last alley. He glanced down at his protoform and realized that he'd need to find an alt-mode. He glanced around and saw a yellow Camaro with black racing stripes. "That'll work," he said, scanning it and taking on its form.
Optimus continued on his search, looking for more survivors. He came across a small group of them heading for the local church. "Hmmm..."
Bonecrusher had joined Fallout and Prowl on their quest to remain living. Fallout limped along with Prowl supporting him. "Look, there's a church. Let's go hide in there," Prowl pointed out, helping Fallout up the steps.
"This place is nice," Fallout said once they were inside.
"Really? I think it sucks," Bonecrusher grumbled.
"Shh!!" Prowl shushed them. He let go of Fallout so that they could scope out the area.
"Go away!!" a random generic mech screamed, pulling a gun out on them. "I'm hiding here!"
"Are you on drugs?" Bonecrusher asked.
"Maybe!!" he replied.
"Alright dude, calm down," Fallout said. "Put the gun down...and we'll get you some milk. Okay?"
The mech nodded nervously and lowered his weapon. "Okay...but if you happen to come across a stash of pot anywhere, it's mine! Got it?" They all stared at him. "It's...uh...for medical purposes..."
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Fallout shook his head. "He's gotta be on a lot more than pot," he whispered to Prowl, who quietly agreed.
A few moments later, they'd all gotten settled down while they contemplated what to do. Bonecrusher decided to start interviewing them to alleviate his boredom. "So, being a cop, do you have any comment on where these things came from?" Bonecrusher asked Prowl.
"My guess would be my friend Jazz's home. His place is a mess and it smells funny. I wouldn't doubt it if they were hiding there all this time," he replied. "I mean just last week, we found Elvis alive and thriving in the crawlspace under the stairs."
They all heard a strange inhuman sound and glanced around anxiously. Prowl glanced at Fallout, as if asking for permission to check it out, and then left to explore the rest of the church.
Walking down the hall in the dark was pretty nerve-wracking. Prowl glanced around, hoping that nothing was gonna pop out at him, like that first licker in Resident Evil 2. He entered a room at the end of the hall and found someone sitting in a chair. "Hey! Are you alright?" That someone didn't answer. He began to approach her, when someone came up behind him.
"What are you doing?!" Prowl jumped and quickly spun around.
"It's my sister...she's sick!" Prowl began to approach her again, causing him to freak out. "No! Wait!"
Prowl noticed that his sister wasn't just sick...she was a zombie. He had her tied up to the chair. "What the hell?!"
"I couldn't help it! I like to poke her with a stick! It makes funny squishing noises! See?" he started poking her with a stick, producing a squishing noise.
"That's just messed up..."
"Go away!" His sister broke out. Prowl went to shoot her, but he jumped in front of her and got devoured. Prowl had no choice but to shoot them both.
Fallout, Bonecrusher, and the crack-head heard the gunshots and jumped up in alarm. Bonecrusher moved towards the door. "Alright, that's it, I'm leaving!"
"No! Don't open that door!" Fallout protested, running after him.
There were now a ton of zombies outside, trying to fight their way inside. "Hi, Bonecrusher!" one of them said.
"Ugh...hey, Steve," Bonecrusher rolled his optics. He attempted to shut the door, but Zombie-Steve and the other zombies fought to get in. Fallout ran to help him shut the door and got it to shut on Zombie-Steve's arm. They heard him screaming and calling them bastards from the other side. They both backed away with Crack-Head, alert and ready to fight back, should anything get in. They then heard something run along the ceiling.
"Oh Primus...what the fuck was that?!" Crack-Head jumped. They saw it run by again. Bonecrusher happened to catch one of them briefly on camera. Crack-Head took this moment to run.
"Shit, bitch! Where are you going?!" Fallout called after him. "Get back here!" Crack-Head kept running. He didn't make it very far before one of the things caught up with him and decided to have a bit of a snack.
Prowl heard a scream and carefully made his way towards the sound. He found Crack-Head's gun on the ground and cautiously picked it up. Crack-Head's half-eaten body came flying out of nowhere and landed right behind him. "Woah...Damn!" He shot at whatever it was that had thrown it, missing each time. He dropped Crack-Head's now empty gun and ran for it back to Fallout and Bonecrusher.
He couldn't find Fallout or Bonecrusher anywhere, and he heard things jumping along all over. "Fallout!" he whispered loudly. "Bonecrusher!" Something grabbed him from behind and wrapped its hand around his mouth and pulled him backwards. He looked back and realized who it was, pulling his hand off of his mouth. "Fallout!"
"Sorry..." He pointed out the monsters to him.
"I know, Fallout..."
"Alright then, lets take 'em out!" Prowl and Fallout both rushed out, preparing to fight their aggressors. They both got a better look at them... "The Lickers look an awful lot like Scorponok and Rampage..."
"Nice, Scorponok! Good boy! Don't eat me!" Bonecrusher pleaded as he ran away with the giant metal scorpion chasing after him.
"GAH!! There's a crab on my head!!" Fallout screamed, thrashing around with Rampage on his head. "He's gonna eat me, just like he did to Crack-Head!!"
"Actually, I tried to eat Crack-Head...he tasted funny, so I spit him back out," Rampage corrected.
"I'm out of ammo!" Prowl panicked.
"SHIT! Me too!!" Fallout whimpered, throwing Rampage off of him.
They heard an engine revving and looked up, noticing headlights on the stained glass window. A second later, a yellow Camaro smashed through the window and drove straight into Scorponok. "You know, there's free pudding in the cafeteria!" the Camaro said.
Scorponok and Rampage both perked up. "Pudding?!" Rampage said excitedly. Scorponok wagged his tail and chirped excitedly. They both scampered off in the direction of the cafeteria.
"Who the fuck are you?" Prowl asked.
Jazz drove along in his vehicle-mode, listening to Rihanna on his stereo. He noticed a zombie in the middle of the road and sped up. "Oh yeah! Keelhauled that mother fucker!!" he cheered upon running it over. He then stopped. "Hey...was that Prowl's grandma? Whoops..." He sped back up again.
"Holy shit, there's a ton of them!" Blackout said, dicing a zombie in half with his rotor blades.
"Sure beats Uno!" Barricade said, shooting another in the face.
Blackout and Barricade spun around and saw Brawl pinned to the ground by a zombie. The zombie bit him on the arm.
"Son of a bitch!" Barricade screamed before running to his aid. He flailed the zombie in the head and knocked it off him. "You okay, Brawl? Say something!"
"Fuck!" Brawl moaned, clutching his arm.
"Well, I guess that works..."
Brawl pulled out a grenade and threw it at a cluster of zombies. Barricade shielded him from the blast. "What the fuck did you do to make that zombie so angry?"
"I called his mom a whore. I didn't think he'd get so angry!" Brawl whimpered.
"You're an idiot, Brawl," Blackout sighed.
"Look! More zombies! And I think they want hugs!" Brawl said excitedly upon noticing several zombies approaching them with their arms extended.
"Geez, how have you managed to live to be an adult?" Barricade asked.
"There's too many of them! Run!" Blackout said. "Run like little girls!" They took off screaming and running like little girls.
Optimus watched them run like little girls from his computer.
Prowl, Fallout, Bumblebee, and Bonecrusher walked through the local cemetery.
"I don't feel safe doing this...what if there are more of those ugly monsters? I hate those ugly monsters!" Bonecrusher shivered.
"We'd have seen them by now, Bonecrusher," Bumblebee replied.
"Wait, do you actually know what they are?"
"Duh. They're zombies."
"Fuck...my leg is killing me!" Fallout said.
Bumblebee pulled his cannon on him. Prowl pulled his gun on Bumblebee.
"What are you doing?!" Prowl demanded.
"He's infected. If we don't kill him now, he'll be one of them, and it'll be harder to kill him then," Bumblebee explained.
"Oh, good point. Go ahead," Prowl shrugged.
"PROWL!!" Fallout panicked.
"No, no, wait...maybe all we have to do is just saw his leg off and it'll stop the infection," Bonecrusher suggested. He pulled out one of his blades. "I could do it."
"Why do you guys want to hurt me?!" Fallout whimpered.
"Because it's fun hurting people," Bonecrusher answered.
A thought occurred to Fallout. "Wait, wait...we're in the middle of a mother fucking zombie outbreak. Who was it that thought it was safe to walk through a fucking graveyard?"
They were all silent for a moment. Then suddenly, dead people started breaking out of the ground.
"HOLY SHIT!!" Fallout jumped. They watched all the zombies break out and come for them.
"Apparently there must have been a tuberculosis epidemic or something, because it's amazing that everyone in the cemetery apparently died recently..." Prowl observed.
"You're close...it was the bubonic plague," Bonecrusher corrected. "I did a report on it last week."
"Why are we discussing this?! Run from the zombies like little girls!!" Fallout screamed, hobbling away as best as he could with an injured leg. Everyone else exchanged looks and shrugged, then followed his example.
"Lord Megatron?" Starscream said.
"WHAT?!" Megatron snapped. "What do you want?! I'm trying to watch Will & Grace!"
"Well excuse me..." Starscream mumbled. "I just wanted to know if we should activate the Nemesis program now."
"How bad is the infection rate in Cyber-Raccoon City?" Megatron asked.
"Pretty bad. Lots of people are dying."
"Yeah, sure, go ahead then."
"Okie dokie..." Starscream walked over to a terminal and activated the program.
Meanwhile, in the hospital again...something was waking up.
"Alright, fly us out of here, Blackout!" Barricade said to his friend.
"I can't..." Blackout replied.
"Why can't you?"
"I'm too low on fuel. If I try to fly with your added weight, we'll all go down!"
"Shit...just what we need." They looked up when they heard another helicopter and noticed that it had a Decepticon insignia on its side. "Perfect! It's one of ours! We gotta try to flag it down. Maybe they have some fuel?" They both ran to a vantage point and started screaming and jumping around and acting like loonies.
"Barricade, is it working?" Blackout asked.
"Actually, I think it's scaring them away..." Barricade observed.
"They're headed over there! Let's get Brawl and see if we can catch them before they leave the city!" Blackout suggested.
"I can't move anymore...everything hurts, and I'm still hungry!" Brawl moaned.
"I told you to eat something, didn't I?" Barricade scolded.
"And I told you that the only thing to eat is you. Ugh..." Blackout grabbed ahold of Brawl's arm and dragged him across the ground behind him while they chased the helicopter, not paying attention to the fact that he dragged him through a puddle of sewage, smashed his head on a trashcan, and pulled him down a flight of uneven stone stairs.
"Alright Brawl, just hang in there. We're almost there!" Blackout promised.
"Mommy, is that you?" Brawl asked in a loopy voice.
"Fuck! They're leaving!" Barricade growled, kicking Brawl hard in the side in his anger.
"NO!! Don't leave us here!! I need fuel!!" Blackout called after them.
"Fuck. So what do we do now?" Barricade grumbled, plopping his ass down on Brawl.
"I'm not a chair!" Brawl complained.
"Yeah, you're not very comfortable, either."
"They dropped something in the hospital...maybe it's a working radio, or fuel, or something. Let's check it out!" Blackout suggested. Barricade grabbed Brawl's leg and pulled him behind them as they ran towards the hospital, this time pulling him through broken glass and a mound of fire ants.
Once inside the hospital, they searched the corridors looking for where the cases dropped. They finally found them. Barricade dropped Brawl and walked over to join his friend who was observing the cases. "What the hell is this?" Blackout asked.
"Weapon cases, it looks like..." Barricade observed. "And they're empty."
"Hey Barricade, I'm still hungry..."
"Yeah Brawl, I know you're hungry. You haven't stopped informing me of that, and in case you haven't forgotten, the only thing to eat is me," Barricade groaned.
"Good idea, then!" Zombie-Brawl said, taking a bite out of his arm.
"Oh, FUCK!!" Barricade screamed, breaking free of Brawl's grasp. Blackout and Barricade both backed away from him before someone shot him.
Jazz stumbled along, looking for a way to get out of the city. A bullet whizzed past him and hit a zombie standing behind him. He glanced up onto the roof of a building and noticed Sniper waving to him. He waved back and ran in. Upon walking in, several of the local police officers pulled their guns on him. "Holy fuck...if this is about that incident with the toaster waffles, I swear, it was Prowl's fault, not mine!" They all lowered their weapons.
Outside, Sniper noticed something coming close. "What the fuck is that?" He looked through his scope in order to see better. "Oh my god, it's Ironhide! Hi, Ironhide!" Sniper waved frantically.
"No, Sniper! I'm supposed to be Nemesis!" Ironhide called after him.
"Oh, Banana picked you for that part? I thought she was gonna go with Brawl for sure," Sniper replied.
"Well she was, but then she decided to have Brawl as Yuri and me as Nemesis instead. So now here I am."
"Yes, Banana?" Sniper said.
You're both supposed to be killing each other.
"Oh sorry, my bad. Alright, Ironhide, back to work!" Sniper shot at Ironhide twice, but didn't seem to cause much damage. Ironhide pulled a really big gun on him and blew him up. "But not really, right? 'Cuz in real life, Ironhide would never actually hurt me."
Of course not, Sniper. It's just acting. Now quit breaking the forth wall.
"Oh my fucking god..." Jazz said from inside. "We are gonna die..."
"Ooh, pretty explosion," Megatron said, watching the action from a monitor. Starscream rolled his optics beside him. "Hey, who are those soldiers in there?"
"They're S.T.A.R.S. members. Cyber-Raccoon City's elite."
"S.T.A.R.S? Okay, have Nemmy kill them all. Kill them all now!"
"Because their name reminds me of you." Starscream shot him an offended glare and did as commanded.
Ironhide...-cough-I mean Nemesis...pulled out an automatic gun and killed everyone except for Jazz. "S.T.A.R.S., bitch!" he said afterwards.
Jazz watched him come closer. "Oh my fucking god...I am gonna die..." Ironhide observed him and determined that he was of no threat to him. He left him alive-for now-and went on with his business.
"That was pretty cool what you did back there, Bumblebee," Prowl said. They were walking along a narrow strip, having finished their running like little girls.
"What?" Bumblebee asked. "What did I do?"
"When you stuck that spoon to your face..."
"Oh yeah, that. Thank you." A phone beside them started ringing. "Crap. We gotta keep moving. That sound's gonna attract something." As they walked along, the phones beside them kept on ringing. "Will they never stop?!
"It's probably my ex-girlfriend calling," Fallout said. "She never gives up. I had to tear the phone out of the wall this one time."
Bumblebee got annoyed and picked it up. "Look, if you're Fallout's ex-girlfriend, then go away!" He hung it up. It started ringing again, so he sighed and picked it up. "What?"
"Whatever happened to hello?" Optimus asked.
"Just tell me why you're calling?" he growled impatiently.
"I can get you all out of the city," he replied. Bumblebee seemed interested in what he had to say after that. Prowl noticed a surveillance camera swerving to watch them and pointed it out to his companions. "But, you're gonna have to do something for me first."
Bumblebee, Fallout, Prowl, and Bonecrusher were hiding out on a bus. "So, what did he want?" Prowl asked.
"His "daughter", Frenzy, is still here somewhere. He was supposed to be evacuated, but something bad happened, and now he's stuck here."
"Something bad? Like what?" Bonecrusher asked, filming the entire conversation.
"I don't know...something about coffee and Slipknot. He promised that if we got him out of the city alive, he'd provide us with a means of evacuation."
"Frenzy? Oh no, not that little nut! No deal! Just leave him for dead!" Fallout groaned. "We can just stay here until someone comes to save us."
"There's not going to be any help, Fallout," Bumblebee shook his head.
"Wh-what do you mean by that?"
"Optimus says that Megatron wants to blow the city up. He says there's a possible way to contain it, but Megatron would rather see a pretty explosion."
"What is with that dude and explosions?!" Bonecrusher groaned.
"He's a Michael Bay creation. What do you expect?" Prowl asked.
"But there's no fucking way they can get away with that! You can't do something as big as that and have nobody know about it!" Fallout protested angrily.
"We leveled an entire city in the Transformers movie, and somehow, no one knows about it."
"Well, I don't want to die here, so let's go!"
"What if there is no way out of this city?" Prowl said out loud. "What if he's sitting at a monitor watching us through the cameras with a bag of Sun Chips and a 2-liter of Wild Cherry Pepsi and laughing at us the whole time?"
Bumblebee froze in place. "Fuck...there's something down there..."
"How do you know?" Fallout asked.
"Because it's standing there waving at us."
"Oh, fuck..." Fallout said, seconds before Nemmy-hide shot him to death.
"FALLOUT!!" Prowl screamed. "You can't be dead!! You still haven't returned my Disturbed CD!!"
Nemmy-hide continued to fire at them. "Run!!" Bumblebee ordered them. Bonecrusher was already halfway to Mexico by the time Prowl started moving.
"Hey, look Megs, it's Bumblebee!" Starscream pointed out.
"I never liked that little yellow wanker...Kill him too," Megatron ordered.
"Oh, fuck!" Bumblebee screamed, running in the opposite direction while Nemmy-hide chased after him.
"Wait, Bumblebee, come back! I just want to hurt you!" he called after him.
Prowl was busy syphoning fuel from a dead guy. Bonecrusher came up behind him and scared the shit out of him. "I'm...uh...sorry about your Disturbed CD," Bonecrusher apologized. "I kinda hate Disturbed, though..."
"It's okay," Prowl said. He finished up syphoning the fuel. "Alright then, let's go." He felt someone tap on his shoulder and hold a Disturbed CD out into his reach. "Oh hey! That's my CD!" he smiled. He then suddenly froze. Both of them turned around and noticed Zombie-Fallout standing there.
"Hi, Prowl! I'm gonna eat chu!" Fallout said excitedly before trying to eat him. Prowl panicked and shot him before both of them transformed and drove off.
"Primus, this bite won't stop bleeding!" Barricade groaned.
"Barricade, he took a bite the size of a softball out of your arm. A bite that size might take a while," Blackout replied.
"So what do we do now?"
"Your call...Candy Land or Uno?" They both jumped when they heard a cellphone ringing. "Oh my god, please tell me that's not a Celine Dion ringtone I hear!"
Prowl and Bonecrusher were listening to Prowl's Disturbed CD along the way. "Prowl, can you please change the song?" Bonecrusher requested. "I don't want to listen to a song about the hazards of suicide while I'm contemplating it."
"WOAH!" Prowl quickly hit his breaks before he rammed into Jazz. "Jazz! What the hell?!
"Yo, Prowl! Ya wouldn't happen to have another Pop-Tart would ya? I'm starving!" Prowl would have rolled his optics if he had any in vehicle-mode. "Oh yeah, and can I chill with you guys? It's scary out there alone. I haven't been bitten, or anything..."
"Yeah, sure. Come along," Prowl invited.
Optimus was watching on the cameras when the trio arrived at the school.
"Hey look! What's that on the side of the truck, there?" Jazz asked.
"Cyber-Raccoon City K-9 Unit," Prowl read.
"Oh cool! So there's puppies?" Jazz asked.
"I hate puppies," Bonecrusher growled.
"And I'm sure they're not too fond of you either, Bonecrusher," Prowl sighed.
They entered the building and stood in the main hall. "Alright, we gotta split up if we want to find him," Prowl said.
"No way! I've seen every single horror movie out there! They always split up, and they always get picked off one by one!" Bonecrusher snapped. "What if I get eaten by a Canadian walrus?"
"I'll go with you," Jazz offered.
"Well, I'll see you two later," Bonecrusher said quickly, ambling off.
Jazz found his way into a science class and spent around four minutes poking pig fetuses that were floating in jars. Remembering what he was there for, he continued exploring the rest of the classroom. He moved to the back of the room near the closet and opened the door. A model of a skeleton fell out.
"Yeah, cuz giant robots totally have skeletons," Jazz said sarcastically.
Oh, shut up. You have frames. That's close enough.
Zombie-Perceptor suddenly jumped out and scared the crap out of him. He stared at him a moment. "You scream like a girl?"
"It's not really something I brag about..." Jazz said.
Barricade shot Zombie-Perceptor from behind Jazz. "I take it you're looking for Frenzy too?"
"Looking for Frenzy? That's what we're doing here?" Jazz replied. "I figured we were only here so that they could use up another one of the overused locations in horror games."
"I hate schools," Bonecrusher grumbled, running down the stairs. "They're filled with kids. I hate kids." He suddenly realized he was talking to himself. "Damn, do I really get that lonely?" He entered a classroom. "I hate classrooms." He then noticed several bloody handprints smeared on the walls. "Ewww...I hate blood."
Stop talking to yourself.
"I hate you."
He noticed a sparkling sitting by itself across the classroom. "Oh great, a kid. I hate kids..."
You said that already.
"Stop talking to me!" Like a stupid person, he approached the sparkling. "Hey...are you Frenzy? We're here to take you out of here..." The sparkling turned around and revealed itself to be another zombie. "Ah, great! Another fucking zombie! I hate zombies!" He bumped into something behind him. "Let me guess...there's one of them behind me?"
What makes you think that?
"She's chewing on my mining scoop. Buzz off!" he growled, smacking the zombie in the face. The first one he came across bit his leg, and seconds later, he was overwhelmed by zombie-sparklings. "Ah, great! As if I couldn't hate zombies and sparklings enough...now they had to go and combine the two!" Meanwhile, I was laughing through the whole scene. "Bitch!!"
What? I laugh everytime I see the scene where Terry gets eaten by zombies. There's something about horrendous deaths in monster movies that I find humorous...I mean, I once saw someone get eviscerated in this one movie, and I just couldn't stop laughing...
"Stop talking now!! There's something wrong with you!!"
I could say the same for you. Now hurry up and die, already!
Because Bonecrusher wouldn't die fast enough, I pressed the fast forward button on the Tivo and sped through it for ya'll. Meanwhile, in the gym, somehow Prowl couldn't hear any of Bonecrusher's screams of pain except for this one, which scared the crap out of him.
"Bonecrusher?" he said out loud before following the sound to the room where Bonecrusher'd been eaten. He looked around but couldn't find him.
"Th-th-that was awesome!!" Frenzy said, having watched Bonecrusher's demise from a safe vantage point. "Re-rewind it and watch it again!!"
Using the power of the Tivo, I rewound it again and again and again so that Frenzy could watch it over and over to his little spark's content. Bonecrusher on the other hand, was spitting death threats and insults because I kept making him relive his death. Finally, I stopped playing with the Tivo and just let the natural flow continue.
"Alright, so now that we have the dork and Bonecrusher's camera, which recorded his tragic death so that we can use it to keep Frenzy occupied so we don't have another repeat like the Slipknot incident, let's go!" Prowl said, grabbing Frenzy and dragging him away.
Frenzy froze in fear once they reached the cafeteria. "Th-th-the things are in here!" he pointed out.
Prowl observed the zombies in the room. One was walking in circles. Another was eating a bar of soap. A third one was writing "2+2 equals Potato" on the white board that normally contained the lunch menu. "It's okay. They're stupid. We can walk around them," Prowl replied, watching two zombies walk into each other and fall over.
"N-n-no, not them. Them!!" Frenzy said, pointing to Zombie-Scion eating another mech.
"Scion? That stupid dog that Banana and her friends came up with when they were bored?" Prowl asked. "How the hell did he get into the K-9 unit anyway?"
"That be him, and I don't know."
Zombie-Scion looked up upon hearing himself get called "stupid" and growled before lunging at them. Prowl was sure he'd get eaten, when a missile came out of nowhere and hit the dog. He looked over.
"S'up?" Blackout smiled. He looked at Scion.
"Aww, he's still alive..." Prowl said, looking at Scion as well. Blackout wasn't looking where he was going and accidentally stepped on his head. "Okay, not anymore."
"Oops..." Blackout scrapped the guts off his foot.
And this is one of those rare moments where they have a death that I don't like...WHY, PAUL W.S ANDERSON, DID YOU KILL OFF NICHOLAI?! DARN YOU!! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!!
"What? I die?" Blackout said, seconds before Zombie-Carnivac jumped on him and started mauling him. Frenzy took off running and screaming, while Prowl chased after him. "Okay...you guys can go...it's not like I needed your help or anything..." Blackout called after them. He heard growling and looked up to see Zombie-Weirdwolf eyeballing him from across the room before taking off for him. "Oh, shit..."
Prowl reunited with Frenzy in the kitchen as they both made their way for the exit. "Fuck! It's blocked! Why the hell would they block an exit?" He thought about his statement a moment. "Oh right...zombies..."
Zombie-Carnivac and Zombie-Weirdwolf finished up their snack of Blackout and made their way into the kitchen. "G-g-great! How d-do we g-get rid of them?" Frenzy said.
Prowl picked up a spatula. "Go get the stick, stupids!" he said, throwing it across the room. They both ran towards it, barking, while Prowl and Frenzy ran away and bumped into Bumblebee back in the hall.
"W-w-why didn't we try that with S-Scion?" Frenzy asked.
"Hey Frenzy," Bumblebee said.
"H-h-hey, Bumblebee," Frenzy replied.
"You two know each other?" Prowl asked.
"Yeah. We both acted in the Transformers movie together."
"Hey Frenzy, what's this in your bag?" Bumblebee asked, pulling a case out."
"A-anti-virus," he replied.
"Why the hell do you have that?" Prowl asked.
"I b-bought it off eBay. It's m-my emergency kit in case of z-zombie outbreaks."
"You keep an emergency kit in case of zombie outbreaks?"
"Y-y-yes. I w-watched Dawn of the Dead one too many times with R-Rumble."
The three of them jumped when they heard someone enter the room. Bumblebee pulled his cannon on the intruder, who copied his move.
"Yo, don't shoot him! It's okay! It's just Barricade!" Jazz said, running in behind him. "He's here looking for Frenzy too."
"Barricade? Shoot him anyway, because of him, I didn't get into the Transformers movie!" Prowl growled.
"So, who else is with you?" Bumblebee asked.
"What do you mean by that?" He noticed Blackout. "Ah...oh no...Blackout...if Blackout's dead, who will go to the hockey game with me on Saturday?"
"I'll go," Jazz volunteered.
"Oh, okay. At least that problem's solved!" Barricade sighed. He started hacking up whatever it is that passes for a lung on a Transformer.
"Barricade, you should really consider quitting your smoking," Jazz asked.
"I don't think it's that..." Bumblebee observed. "How long ago were you bitten?"
"Like I keep track!" Barricade snapped.
"You were bit?" Jazz backed away.
Bumblebee rolled his optics. "Well, I don't feel like killing you because then I can't beat you up later whenever I feel like it...so it's you're lucky day." He walked away with everyone else gradually following him.
"That explains why you asked me what I thought I tasted like," Jazz shrugged.
Optimus called them on a pay phone. Bumblebee quick picked it up. "Go."
"Why can't you just say "hello" for once?" he asked. "Let me speak to Frenzy."
"Tell us how we get out first!" Bumblebee demanded.
"Alright. One of my helicopter buddies is taking off from here in roughly 47 minutes. He's going to be the last one to leave before Cyber-Raccoon City gets destroyed."
"So where do we find your helicopter buddy?"
"First, let me speak to Frenzy."
"Crack-bot, it's for you," Bumblebee said, tossing it to him.
"Care to explain the Slipknot incident?"
"Uh...um...Back to ya!" Frenzy said, tossing the phone back to Bumblebee.
"Stupid crack-bot..." Optimus grumbled. "Okay, my buddy will be waiting at City Hall. Get there as quickly as possible!"
"Neh, I thought we'd walk as slowly as possible," Bumblebee said sarcastically. Optimus was about to reply when he hung up.
The screen on the computer went black. "Fuck! What the..." He turned around and noticed Megatron standing there with the power cord in his hand. "Uh, Megatron..."
"I need to use this outlet to microwave taquitos. Want some?" he asked. "Oh...what were you doing at the computer?"
"I...uh...was updating my Myspace..." he lied.
"Oh, okay. Well, sorry about unplugging the computer, then. Hey, wait a minute...you don't have a Myspace!"
"Crap..." Optimus growled.
"What are you injecting me with?" Barricade asked.
"Crack," Bumblebee replied. Barricade yanked his arm away. "I'm kidding, Cade," Bumblebee rolled his optics. Barricade cautiously gave him his arm back. "It's the anti-virus. It'll help you not die."
"Oh, cool. Not dieing is always fun." Frenzy was giggling beside him. "Having fun watching Bonecrusher's death, Frenzy?"
"I'm at th-the part where b-blood sprays everywhere!" he squealed excitedly, shaking the camera.
Optimus' helicopter buddy landed right on schedule. The gang all gathered around the site, plotting how to get closer. Barricade snuck up on two guards.
"So, how's everything going?" the first guard asked the other.
"Good. My sister had her baby on Saturday," the second replied.
"Oh really? Girl or boy?"
"That's cool. Tell her I said congratulations."
Barricade quickly knocked them both unconscious, allowing the others to get past. "Shit...more guards...How do we get through them?"
Jazz stepped forward. "Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!" They all looked back to see this freak of nature, while the group quickly ran past. "Fucking idiots!" Jazz laughed.
They finally made it onto the helicopter. Bumblebee noticed something coming. "Shit! We gotta go!"
Jazz noticed who was approaching. "Oh my fucking god...We are gonna die..."
"Take off!" Bumblebee commanded the helicopter.
"Neh..." it replied in a sleepy voice. "When I finish my stasis nap."
"Take off now!!"
"What's the rush?" Megatron asked from behind him. Bumblebee turned around and noticed him holding Frenzy up by the back of the neck like a kitten, having been bribed with a sandwich to let himself be held hostage. "We've been expecting you."
"Ah man, I'm in handcuffs again!" Jazz groaned.
"Shut up, Jazz," Prowl growled.
"Hi, Ironhide!" Bumblebee called to him, waving.
"Bumblebee! I'm supposed to be Nemesis!" he snapped.
"Oh, right. Hi, Nemmy-hide!" Bumblebee corrected himself.
"Frenzy!" Optimus called to his pretend "daughter". Frenzy quickly scampered over to him with his sandwich.
"I kn-knew you wouldn't l-l-leave without me!" Frenzy smiled.
"Of course not! How else am I supposed to get into Chuck E. Cheese?"
Megatron approached Bumblebee. "Alright...you and Nemmy-hide fight."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because Starscream broke the TV and I'm missing WWE. I need to fill that void somehow," he replied.
"Oh, you just won't let that go, will you?!" Starscream snapped.
"I'm not gonna fight him! He's my friend!" Bumblebee protested.
"Fight him, or I'll kill all your friends."
"Go ahead. See if I care." Prowl, Jazz, and Barricade all started yelling at him.
"What do you mean, you don't care?!" Prowl snapped.
"Well, you, Prowl, grounded me last week!"
"I grounded you because you poured a milkshake into my fuel tank!"
"Four years ago, Jazz ate the last energon pudding, which was meant for me!!"
"Geez, you're bitter," Jazz rolled his optics.
"And Barricade likes to beat the shit out of me!!"
Megatron shrugged and shot Optimus instead. He gave Megatron the finger before he died.
"Now why did you do that?" Bumblebee asked.
"I don't know. I just don't like him," he replied. "Now fight Nemmy-Hide." Bumblebee sighed and did as commanded.
After a totally awesome fight scene that looked like something out of Mortal Kombat (or my high school's hallways if you think about it), Nemmy-hide got himself impaled on the wall.
"Well this sucks," Nemmy-hide grumbled, trying to wiggle free.
"Finish him!" Megatron ordered.
Bumblebee contemplated this. "No, I don't think so..."
"I told you to finish him!"
"No," he said in a cocky manner.
"I don't feel like it."
"Alright, fine then." He turned to his soldiers. "Prepare for immediate evacuation."
"Stupid moron, doesn't realize that I have the keys to the handcuffs," Prowl shook his head, unlocking his handcuffs.
"How DID you get them?" Barricade asked.
"Where do you think he got the handcuffs from?"
Everyone was silent. "Wow, Megatron's an idiot..."
Nemmy-hide pulled himself off the wall while Megatron commanded him to kill Bumblebee. Instead, he shot the two guards beside him.
"Nemmy-hide, what the hell are you doing?!" Megatron demanded. "Starscream, do someth-" He turned around to see Starscream was already a blip in the distant sky. "Oh, you are such a dick..."
Several guards ran out to fight Nemmy-hide and Bumblebee. "Can I shoot them, Banana? PWEESE?" Nemmy-hide begged in the most adorable voice.
Well, since that's what Nemesis did in the move, I guess you can.
"Yay!!" he cheered, blowing them all into oblivion. Many of them started screaming and scrambled everywhere.
Megatron was busy talking to his command. "Launch the fucking missile, NOW!!"
"Geez, can't I at least get a please?" the command replied before releasing it.
Megatron was about to fly off, when he realized that someone syphoned his fuel when he wasn't looking. "Starscream, that bastard!" he growled. He turned to the helicopter. "You! Give me a ride!"
"Oh shit! There's no way in hell I'm lifting your fat ass!" he replied before transforming into robot mode and running away with Megatron chasing after him. Eventually, Megatron ran out of breath and passed out.
Nemmy-hide ran out of bullets, and there were still units shooting at him. "Hey look! It's a distraction!" They all looked in the direction he was pointing. "You're right Jazz...Megatron is commanding idiots..."
"Told ja." He noticed a helicopter approaching. "Isn't that Cyclonus?"
"That's Cyclonus from the Unicron trilogy, folks. Not G1 Cyclonus," Nemmy-hide informed the readers.
"Surrender, or we will open fire!" Cyclonus threatened. He began firing at Bumblebee, who ran down a hall with windows getting shot out along the side in a Code: Veronica reference dodging the bullets, screaming like a banshee. At the end, Nemmy-hide pushed him out of the way and fired at Cyclonus with his remaining shot.
"Oh my fucking god...I am gonna die!" Cyclonus said before exploding Michael Bay style. The wreckage smooshed Nemmy-hide like one of those god-damn house centipedes that won't stop plaguing me when I go to my mom's house, and a piece of scrap metal knocked out Bumblebee.
Meanwhile, the zombie hoards were a-comin'!
"Come on! We gotta go!" Jazz said to Optimus' helicopter buddy.
"Really? Why?" Jazz pointed behind him as the zombies came forward. He quick transformed back into a helicopter. "Good reason...you and your friends, climb aboard!"
Bumblebee opened his optics to see Frenzy sitting in front of him, staring at him intently, and jumped backwards screaming. Barricade ran over to him. "Oh good! You're awake! Let's go!"
"Bye, Nemmy-hide! Thanks for your help!" Prowl called to the crushed Transformer. The arm that was sticking out from under the wreckage gave him the thumbs up.
"W-w-wow! Look at all th-the zombies!" Frenzy said in awe.
"Keep moving, Frenzy!" Barricade said, nudging him along.
Prowl dragged Megatron to the back of the helicopter and handed him off to Bumblebee. "Oh, so now you're going to kill me? That's not very Autobot-like of you!"
"No...but it's still fun!" he smiled before pushing him off.
Megatron looked up at the helicopter and noticed everyone waving at him. "I am so screwed..." He noticed Zombie-Optimus. "Hey wait...I shot you to death...how did you get infected?"
"It's a movie. I can do whatever the hell I want," he replied.
"You're pissed off, aren't you?" Megatron asked.
"Well let's see...First, your drone shoots me in the leg...Then, you unplug my computer...Afterwards, you ate my share of the taquitos...And then, you shoot me to death...What do you think?"
"Ah fuck..." Megatron said before Optimus and the other zombies started to eat him.
"This is entertaining," Bumblebee said, watching the zombies all eat Megatron from a sky-view. "Frenzy, are ya getting this all on film?" Frenzy convulsed excitedly while he held the camera.
Down in the city...
"So, Zombie-Bill, what did you do today?"
"Well Zombie-Mark, I ate the neighbor lady and her dog. You?"
"Ah, the same." They both looked up as a missile flew overhead. "Oh, shit..."
Back at the helicopter...
Barricade and Bumblebee both watched Cyber-Raccoon City explode into a fabulicious (to quote Eric from "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry") mushroom cloud. "Ooh...pretty..." Barricade admired. He then realized they weren't out of the blast radius. "Oh, shit...Everybody grab onto something!!" A tool came flying at Frenzy. Bumblebee, next to him, scooted away. Barricade pushed him back in the way.
"Oh dear...it would seem that we are going down..." the helicopter said.
"Mazal tov," Barricade grumbled.
"Hey look...we found our little helicopter friend," one of the Decepticons informed his superior over the comlink while they approached the wreckage. "He doesn't look too good..."
"That's because he's dead, dumb ass," his companion said sarcastically. "Oh look...isn't that Bumblebee?"
"This just in...We have received unconfirmed reports that a city by the name of Cyber-Raccoon City has been recently plagued by zombies." The anchor man stopped when someone whispered something into his ear. "Oh...never mind. I've just been informed that it's all just a hoax, perpetrated by Bigfoot..."
Bumblebee awoke, floating in a tank. "Oh, great...I'm in a tank this time!" He glanced down. "Ah!! And I'm naked!! Geez, and I really liked that alt-mode, too!!"
He looked outside the tank and noticed Shockwave staring in at him. "Wakey wakey, Bumblebee!" Shockwave said. One of his understudies was tapping on the glass. "Stop that...he's a guinea pig, not a fish."
"You there! Console-monkey! Begin the purging process!" Shockwave ordered.
"Console-monkey...I remember the days when I still had a name," he sighed, doing as he was told.
Bumblebee watched the liquid in the tank drain before he was forced out. "Whee...I'm out."
"Stand up," Shockwave ordered, extending his hand and slowly pulling him to his feet.
"Where the frag am I?" Bumblebee asked.
"You're in my lab," Shockwave replied. He turned around and started giving orders to the "console-monkeys". Bumblebee glanced around, shrugged, and walked away while he wasn't paying attention.
"Uh, sir..." Shockwave kept talking over his understudy, something about "chemical analysis". "Sir..."
"WHAT?!" Shockwave snapped.
"Bumblebee just walked out the door..."
Shockwave glanced around and noticed that he was gone. "You saw him leave, and yet you didn't try to stop him?"
"Um...yeah, that's pretty much what happened. Um...sir, your optic is twitching..."
Shockwave was silent. "I swear, they're sending me idiots to work with...Don't just stand there, GET HIM!"
Bumblebee had already made it outside before he was met with an armed resistance. "Ah man, I almost made it..."
Two police cruisers pulled up to the front and transformed. The white one approached them. "We'll take it from here, guys."
"Yeah? Under whose authority?"
"Uh...um..." He looked to his black-armored partner for help.
"Capcom's," he replied.
"Capcom? The ones who approved this sucky Resident Evil trilogy? Must be legit, then. Alright, whatever. Take him away," the guard nodded, handing him over.
Jazz pulled up alongside them as they drove away. "Hey, dude! S'up?"
"Are y-y-you okay?" Frenzy asked.
"Oh no, not you guys again!" Bumblebee moaned.
"Where's Bumblebee?" Shockwave asked.
"Some police cruisers turned up and took him away," the guard explained.
"And you just LET THEM?"
"Of course. They said they had Capcom's permission."
"You do realize that Capcom is a company that produces video games, right?" Shockwave growled.
"Yeah, but we thought it was okay since they approved this movie." Shockwave was silent. "Sir, your optic is doing that twitching thing again..."
-This is the part where they roll the credits and start playing "The End of Heartache", quite possibly the most awesomest Killswitch Engage song of all time; TRIVIA: this is that song that named Solace; she's my friend's character, but I named her after a word in the chorus because it was what I was listening to at the time ;D-
(Seek me) for comfort, (Call me) for solace
(I'll be waiting) for the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) for the end of my broken heart