Disclaimer - I own as much as you do. Nothing. HP and everything related belongs to JKR... Until I kidnap Severus. Then, he will belong to me... I'll share him with Mione, but that's it. Hehehehehe...
Ever watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?" This is based on that... See, all the crazy stuff doesn't come out of my brain alone...
How To Lose a Lord in 10 Months
Month 1 - September
'Hi!' Ginny wrote. 'I'm Ginny Weasley and I own you!'
Apparently, her (old) new diary didn't agree. The dark crimson words twitched and then disappeared into the crisp white paper, to be replaced by 'Hello. I am Tom Marvolo Riddle and I beg to differ.'
Ginny blinked at the page before sitting up in her bed. The book talked. Wow, how exciting... Umm, not so much. Because this is the wizarding world and these crazy things happened left and right. So to a pureblooded witch, it was only natural to brush off the idea of getting McGonagall. She reread Tom's first words to her and responded in a matter-of-fact tone: 'Tom Marvolo Riddle is like "I am Lord Voldemort" with the letters all jumbled up.'
Tom didn't reply for a second. And then, his neat writing appeared on the now blank paper - 'Will you promise not to tell anyone that, Miss Weasley?'
Ginny scrunched her face up. 'I think maybe I should. Aren't you supposed to be evil?' she wrote. She frowned as a thought hit her, but before she could write 'What are you doing in a book?', Tom was already replying.
'Well, yes,' Tom scribbled back quickly. 'However! I... Err...'
'You... Err...?' Ginny wrote back, frowning in impatience. Figuring that Tom's next words would take a while, she lay back down on her bed and got comfortable.
'I've got cookies!' Tom's writing appeared.
Ginny stared at the page for a few seconds. 'I like cake,' she finally replied.
'I can bake. I'll make you a cake if you promise not to tell anyone who I am,' Tom replied, his writing a little messy. Obviously, he was getting nervous.
Ginny shifted, a little disbelievingly. 'How can you bake from inside a book?'
'There's a whole other world in here. I have an oven,' Tom wrote. Best not to tell her that he had no sugar. There was never any sugar around - Tom was pretty sure that the lack of sugar in his life was probably what made him go evil in the first place.
'Wow! A whole other world!' Ginny replied. 'Can I see it?'
Tom stopped short. Can she see it? Hell, no. 'Sorry, Miss Weasley, I haven't sucked out enough of your soul yet.'
'Excuse me?' Ginny wrote back, her eyebrows rising.
'Typo. I haven't had my morning cup of joe yet.'
'I would have thought that the Almighty Dark Lord would talk better. With refined prose and form.'
'I apologize for my earlier error. I meant to say that I have not had any caffeinated beverages this morning.' Smart aleck chit, Tom wanted to add.
'Well, can I see it later then?' Ginny wrote, not bothering to comment on his choice of words. So he'd learned his lesson and changed after just about two seconds of her nagging - she was starting to like him a wee bit. 'After you consume a caffeinated beverage?'
'I will show you the inside of my diary - ' Tom stopped writing when he realized that Ginny was writing.
'Yes, of course,' Tom thought with a frown. 'I will show you the inside of our diary when - ' She was writing again.
'Mine.' The word was underlined, thickly and it was obvious that Ginny was stressing the word.
Tom scowled, thankful that she couldn't see his expression. If she had, she would have run off in fear and he'd never have seen her ever again. Which would have been fine, if he didn't need her for the purpose of getting himself out of the book. 'Fine. Yours. I'll show it to you when I have more energy.'
Tom rolled his eyes. Okay, she says. How refined was 'okay'? He resisted the temptation to write that thought down and asked her another question. 'We have an agreement then?' he asked. 'You won't tell anyone about me?'
'Hmm,' Ginny scrawled, idly. She still hadn't made up her mind. 'I don't know.'
'You don't know.' Tom stared in disbelief. 'A cake and a diary tour aren't enough?'
'Hardly,' Ginny wrote back. 'What if your cake tastes bad and the tour is boring?'
Tom shrugged, nodding in what was almost approval. The cake probably would taste bad - as mentioned before, he had no sugar. The Riddle Mansion tour probably would be boring - he'd blown up half of its riches in a boredom and good health (caused by the lack of sugar) induced rage. He sighed and put his quill to the paper. 'What can I promise you that would ensure your happiness and the secrecy of my identity?'
'Make me your queen.'
Tom's quill and jaw dropped in his shock. She wanted what? He shut his mouth, only to have his jaw fall when he looked at her request again. So after a good five minutes of playing goldfish, he put his quill to the paper again... Only to find himself at a loss for words. This mere girl had found out his secret, made him nervous, angered him, won his approval, and shocked him speechless, all under ten minutes. ... Maybe she wasn't a mere girl. Tom smirked a bit. If anyone could handle being queen, it was her. She certainly was ambitious enough. 'With pleasure.'
'SQUEE!' Ginny wrote in big, loopy letters.
Tom stared and then cautiously wrote 'Squee?' in a questioning manner.
'Yes, Tom, "squee." It means I'm squealing.'
'I see,' Tom wrote back with a frown. She squealed... Hopefully, she didn't do it often. Ah, well. If she did, he would kill her. He'd said he'd make her queen - he didn't guarantee her a set number of years of the throne.
'How can you see? You're stuck in a book.'
Tom resisted the sudden urge to slam the diary shut and bang his head with it. 'I meant that I understand.' She would get a grand total of 0.2 seconds at his side - nobody this stupid was going to be his queen.
'I was only kidding, Tom. Lighten up.' Ginny rolled her eyes. She then looked seriously at the book with a furrowed eyebrow. "Umm... Tom?'
'Yes, Miss Weasley?' Tom wrote back.
Ginny set her question aside and moved onto a different subject. 'You can just call me Ginny now, Tom.'
Tom frowned at the page. She would change her name or abandon the throne (for the whole 0.2 second that she'd be there). There was no way in the seven levels of hell would he accept a queen named... Urgh... Ginny. 'Is that short for something?' he asked, hopefully.
'Uh huh,' came Ginny's response.
Tom frowned over the refinedness of 'uh huh' and waited for her to elaborate... But nothing happened. 'Short for what - ' What was he to call her now? ' - Princess?'
Tom turned and banged his head against the edge of his desk. Then, he touched his forehead in alarm, calming only when he realized that the thoughtless action would not leave a scar. He shuddered at the idea and turned back to the book. How was it that a girl who was smart enough to entice him into making her his future queen (for a whole 0.2 seconds) was one who kept childishly squealing at every little thing? Shaking his head, he wrote, 'Well? What is it short for?'
Ah, Tom thought. Much better. 'Why can't I just call you that? It's a much more regal name than - ' he shuddered. 'Ginny.'
'Aww. Sure.' Ginny giggled and pressed her face into her pillow to muffle the sound. But then, the previous question that she'd set aside popped into her mind again and she frowned at the diary. 'I need to ask you something.'
'What is it?' Tom asked, wondering what was coming.
'How would I go about making Harry Potter fall in love with me?'
There's chapter 1… I don't know – it seemed like there weren't enough funny TGs out there…