My Agony as the Agony Uncle

There was a tile missing from the ceiling.

There were exactly 1758 tiles on that ceiling yesterday, and today there were only 1757.

How annoying.

It left an ugly gray square that stared at me. It was provoking me. Urging me to punch a whole through it and let other tiles fall off to ease its misery. I'd gladly do it, if I wasn't already in trouble.

"Sasuke," a voice said, breaking me out of my dense thoughts. I lazily lowered my gaze and settled on the smiling secretary across from me.

"Ms. Tsunade is waiting for you." Shizune finished.

"Hmph." I replied. I then grabbed my bag and dragged myself to the principal's office.

As you might have concluded, I have been here quite often to be able to tell you how many tiles covered the waiting room's ceiling. Even if I was no longer the "problem child" I used to be. Fortunately, I've gotten passed that stage in my life. And it's not like I was a bad student or anything. I didn't have bad grades. Hell, I excelled at studies. Besides, any idiot can pass high school. My only problem now was my temper and character. Which is quite funny since Hashirama High School is known for its encouragement of freedom of speech and individuality. So you'd think I'd get less in trouble…

"Why hello Mr. Uchiha." Tsunade greeted me. She smiled sweetly and I almost scoffed at her hypocrisy.

"What did I do now?" I asked as I seated myself into the chair in front of her desk.

"Who said you did anything?" she replied, her smile turning into a smirk. I stared at her for a moment. She was playing coy with me.

"Naruto did it."

"Relax Uchiha." She chuckled as she took a file in her hands. I read the tag: Student No: 012606. Uchiha, Sasuke. Oh hell…

"It's your last year here isn't it?" she started.


"So that means college applications are coming up." She casually said as she shuffled through the many papers that made my file. How thick was it anyway?

"I know." I answered.

"You better start thinking about what program to go into."

"I know."

"It may seem like a long time, but the admissions date will arrive sooner than you think."

"I know."

"They usually like students with extracurricular activities." She replied, her tone turning sour.

"I know."

"If you know then why didn't you sign up for any!?" she snapped as she slammed my file shut on her desk. I tried to force back a smirk. She was so easy to irritate.

I shrugged and leaned back on the chair. "None of them interested me."

"So I've heard." She mumbled as she reopened my file and took out my schedule. "Yamato said he's talked to you many times about this."

I sighed impatiently. "I don't need counseling anymore."

"Nonsense! Everyone needs help once in a while."

"I don't."

"Just so you know he's not the only one who thinks so." She stated as she crossed her arms on her desk. "Kakashi thinks your chances of acceptance will only rise if you join a club."

"He already told me that." I snapped. It's hard enough to face my teachers at school. Imagine living with one. Kakashi Hatake, nonetheless.

"If this is the only reason you wanted to talk to me, I'm leaving." I said as I stood up from my seat.

"Sit down Uchiha." Tsunade sternly said. I sighed and complied with her demand.

"I don't think you should join a club just for college." She explained as she took a sip from her mug. "Yes, in the long run it will help you. But by joining clubs, it will make you socialize more. God knows you need it."

I stared blankly at her.

Me socialize? I do socialize! What does she think I do with Naruto? Before you start fantasizing, we're not in some kind of secret relationship. We don't spend endless hours having rough sex in the library or behind the bleachers. And we never talk dirty with one another. We simple talk. Or argue, depending on the day. Doesn't that mean anything? I should get a frickin' medal for being able to put up with that idiot!

"I socialize." I replied. She snorted.

"Eating lunch on an occupied table doesn't count."

"I'm a listener."

"Then listen here kid," she spat. "You join a club or I'll give you a month's detention."

"You can't do that!" I bellowed.


"There's no way in hell I'm joining a stupid club!" I yelled.


"I'm not joining!" I said as I stood up from my seat once again, knocking it down in the process.


"I don't care." I muttered. Four months in detention would be the same as joining a club: A waste of time.

"Fine. Until you graduate."

I stared incredulously at her. She smiled. That bi-

"I already have one for you." she beamed as she started writing something on a piece of paper. I thought I had to choose!

"I've heard you have many talents but this one will do." She was completely ignoring my fury. "Unfortunately, your stay might only be temporarily seeing as you're just going to be a replacement. But we'll see what will happen then."

"Which club is it?"

"You're good in English are you not?" she asked. Stop ignoring what I say!

"Yes." I'm the best; you'd know that if your mug wasn't filled with sake.

"You do well in written productions?"

"No." I replied sarcastically. I earned more points by rolling my eyes.

"Good, then you'll be joining the school newspaper!"

"The school newspaper!?" I asked.

"What's wrong with the school newspaper?" she inquired.

What was wrong with it? Uh…

"No one reads it!" I lied.

"You're at an advantage then. Since like you said," she pushed the note forward.

"You suck at writing."

I looked at the piece of paper Tsunade gave me and back at the numbers above the door.

Room 7810.

The school newspaper's office.

I'm salivating from excitement.

I glared at the door and thought about what I was doing. Or what I was planning on not doing. I didn't need to join a club since I would get in any college I wanted to. They'd kill to have me. Moreover, what was I going to write about anyway? I don't write news articles. I don't want to be the screw up that does photocopies. I don't want to be the pain that interviews people. I don't have a penchant for taking pictures. I don't draw. I don't even want to be a journalist!

So what am I doing here?

"Trying to burn a hole through the door?"

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked towards the source of the noise. Oh great.


"What are you doing here?" he asked, stealing the words from my mouth. He waited for my reply and took a bite out of his pear.

"I'm…" I started. "It's none of your business."

"Oh I get it," he mockingly said. "You just get a kick out of glaring down doors right?"

"Get lost." I snarled.

"Sorry pal," he answered as he slapped my back. "I can't. I'm part of the little group working in there."

"You're in the newspaper?" I asked. Crap. Just what I needed, this annoying twit.

"Yeah, Health." He shrugged. "I would've preferred Sports but ah well. See you."

I didn't answer and simply watched him disappear behind the door. As he did so I couldn't help but recognize two familiar voices obviously bickering over something before he closed it.

My eyes widened. Suddenly it all made sense…

"Crap!" I cursed as I pulled on my hair. "I knew it! I knew it!" I kicked the closest locker and didn't bother to wince in pain.

"You need anger management." Kakashi's voice resonated in my head. "Fuck you!"

I just knew there was a reason I was placed in the school newspaper over all the other clubs in school! I don't know how I could've forgotten this little piece of information. Sakura and Ino are part of it! ARGH! I'm sure being the well respected students they are, they easily manipulated Tsunade into getting me in.

I inhaled and leaned against the lockers. I then closed my eyes as I exhaled. I was so glad school was over for the day and no one was roaming the halls. The last thing I needed now was someone asking me if I was alright. Did there always have to be something wrong with me? Couldn't I just be upset and be okay withit?

"What are you doing Uchiha? If you're that tired why don't you just go home?"

I opened my eyes and saw a pair of black shoes. I raised them and low and behold, I was facing Shikamaru Nara.

"I can't go home." I sighed. I looked down at the note Tsunade gave me. "You're in the newspaper?"

"Yeah..." He replied suspiciously.

"Then here." I said as I shoved the note at his face. Tsunade told me to give it to the editor. As if I knew who he was.

"What's this?" Shikamaru asked as he took it from me. "From Tsunade?"

I nodded. He read the note and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "So you're our replacement?"

I shrugged. I still wouldn't admit I'd be joining. But knowing Shikamru would be here was slightly relieving. He was one of the few people who didn't really annoy me.

"Follow me." He said as he turned his back and opened the door to the newsroom. I followed him silently. This was it.

I can't believe I'm doing this…

As I entered the area I looked around and noticed it wasn't very different from every other class room in the school. The only significant difference was it was a bit roomier, with large windows that overlooked the school's entrance. Individual desks were scarce and were pushed far into the end where computers were placed upon them. Long tables were pilled with papers, sketches, old printings and even the occasional gum wrapper. The two blackboards were also covered in news clippings and various dates and plans. And amusingly, near the windows were small multicolored bean bags encircling a small round table.

Even if the room didn't bother me, one glance at the people present almost made me gag. I knew all them. On one of the computers was Ino Yamanaka, feverishly typing away on her keyboard. Next to her was this new guy named Sai. At one of the tables Chouji Akimichi and Kiba were chatting away as they ate chips. Oddly enough, Shino was seated on one of the bean bags and looking into a camera. Finally I saw Sakura seated on the front desk and reading some papers.

I sighed in relief on how busy everyone was, causing them to be unaware of my presence. I liked it that way.

"Okay, listen up." Shikamaru loudly said, catching the attention of everyone in the room. Damn it.

"Staff, Uchiha Sasuke." Shikamaru drawled as he gestured lazily towards me. "Uchiha Sasuke, Staff."

Confused murmurs echoed across the room and frankly I couldn't blame them. "Shikamaru," Sakura said above the chatter. "What's this all about?"

So I was wrong about her asking Tsunade…

"He'll be Hinata's replacement for the time being."

"WHAT!?" was the word screeched in unison. I couldn't agree more.

"He can't fill in for her!" Somebody yelled. I looked over and saw Kiba wildly shaking his head. Stupid ass.

Shikamaru sighed. "We have no choice. Tsunade's orders. We'll just have to settle for him until Hinata recovers."

Settle? What the hell does he mean by settle? I could do whatever Hinata was doing and even teach her some!

"Shikamaru I know we need help but…" Ino started. I looked at her and dared her to continue. She averted my eyes and started laughing. The others stared at each other and quietly sniggered amongst themselves, except Sai who continued staring at the computer screen. What the hell was so funny?

"Look, this is only temporary." Shikamaru said trying to calm them down. "He'll only be here until Hinata returns."

"Why don't we just continue what we were doing and not publish the column for the time being?" Sakura hesitated. "No offence…" she muttered sheepishly at me.

"And tell the readers what?" Choji asked as he munched on his chips. "We already received complaints! Hinata's column is a favorite!"

"The pile is only getting larger Sakura. Ignoring it will only give more work to whoever will take on the job." Shino calmly stated.

"They're right." Shikamaru told her. "Everyone here already have their assigned projects. Having Sasuke here will lighten up the load."

"I don't think it'll make a difference." Kiba scoffed.

I moved forward only to be held back by Shikamaru. That guy's getting on my nerves!

"See?" he taunted as he sat back down. I clenched my fists and breathed in deeply.

"Sasuke please, not now." I heard Sakura hiss.

"How troublesome." Shikmaru sighed.

"Personally, I don't care if you don't agree with this." He said to the group as he tilted his head to my side. Oh how nice Shikamaru, referring to me as though I were a mere object… I'm touched.

"If you have any problems take it up with Mrs. Sarutobi or Tsunade. Sai come see me." Shikamaru said with a tone of finality. He then started walking towards one of the desks at the back of the room. No matter how embarrassing it may sound, I didn't want him to leave. Not because I was nervous or anything. It's just without his arm blocking me who knows what I'd do to these losers.

As though he read my thoughts he stopped walking and turned towards Sakura, a smirk on his face. "Teach him the ropes around here. And tell him what his job will be."

He then fed me to the sharks.

Sakura slowly approached me and all too soon Ino did as well. I felt trapped. They looked at each other before staring back at me with a mischievous glint in their eyes.

I didn't like this at all.

"So Shikamaru's the Editor in Chief?" I asked as I shoved Ino's hands off my shoulders. Her massage did feel good though…

"Uh huh." Sakura replied as she organized piles of letters on the table I was occupying. "It might seem like a big deal but basically what he does is sleep until it's due date."

"I heard that!" Shikamaru said from across the room amidst everyone's chuckles. Sakura slowly shook her head and giggled. "And as you might have heard I'm Managing Editor."

"Basically she's a wannabe Editor in Chief." Ino said as she sat on my table and crossed her legs. Get off…

"Shut up!" Sakura snapped. "You're just a staff writer!"

"One of the best, thank you very much!" she replied. She took one of the letters on the pile and opened it. I wonder what are in them?

"As I was saying, before Pig here interrupted me," Sakura said before glancing at Ino who stuck her tongue out at her. "There's the advisor, there's the editor in chief, the managing editor and the staff writers."

I nodded in understanding. "I'm a staff writer."

"Yes you are." She replied enthusiastically as she piled more letters. "You basically write articles on any given subject, but to make it easier we preferred to designate specific categories to every member of the staff. But once in a while everyone does a bit of everything."

"Hmph." I replied as I watched her continue to stack them. Geeze that's a lot of letters.

"Kiba over there does health and fitness." Ino said as she placed the letter back on its pile and took another one. "I sometimes fill in with Beauty and Entertainemet. But what I mostly do is interviews. Research, that sort of thing."

"Choji is in charge of Sports." Sakura continued as she finally sat down next to me. "Sai draws the comics. And he does the layout."

"And Bug-Boy takes the pictures." Ino giggled. I looked over at Shino and saw him starring at us. I sighed. If there was something Ino wasn't, it's discreet. They continued explaining other things but my mind tuned them out.

It's rather odd for me to sit here quietly and listen to them talk but in a way I've gotten used to it. They could be the most annoying girls ever but what separated them from the bimbos that latched onto me was they still cared for what was inside their heads instead of on it. I'd never tell them but I liked that in a girl. Speaking of girls, what happened to Hinata? This is all her fault by the way. If she had been here I wouldn't be.

Suddenly I noticed how quiet it was and looked around. Sakura was still at my side and staring at me with a slight frown. Ino continued reading the many letters.

"Did you even listen to what I said?" Sakura asked. No.

"I say we let him learn by himself what he has to do." Ino said as she jumped off my table and put the letters back. "It'll be more fun that way…"

I didn't like how she was smiling. It wasn't the usual friendly one. Or even the flirty one. It was more… scary.

Sakura smiled the same way and stood up. "You know what? That sounds like a good idea."

"Wait a minute." I said. "What do I have to do?"

"Toodles!" they said as they linked arms and started walking away. I grabbed Ino's wrist and pulled her back.

"Mmm you're so rough Sasuke…" She giggled.

"Where are you going?" I asked. I hated how panicked I felt. I shouldn't have spaced out on the explanations.

"We're going to see were PCB went off to."

Sakura laughed and looked at her. "PCB? What's PCB?"

"You would've known if you listened!" She replied humorously. Just answer the damn question!

"Ouch! Sasuke!" Ino exclaimed as she slapped my hand away. I didn't realize my grip on her tightened.

"God! PCB is Photocopy Boy!" she continued bitterly as she rubbed her wrist.

"And since it's Naruto he probably wandered around school again." Sakura sighed.

"Naruto's part of this club too?" I asked. Why me? Why? And how come I never knew about it? Ugh… Maybe I spend too much time in my head.

"Yes." Sakura replied exasperatedly. "Stop acting like you don't want him here!" Ino teased.

"What? I don't know what you-, I don't- Shut up Ino! Whatever I'm leaving!" she stammered before walking out of the room.

"Oh come on Sakura!" Ino yelled after her before following. "I was just joking!"

I can't believe they were leaving me! I can't believe I don't want them to leave! "Wait! I don't-"

"Don't worry Sasuke." Choji suddenly said as he continued typing on his computer.

"If you're so smart you should already know what you have to do." Kiba finished for him. I tried to ignore his comment by looking for Shikamaru in hopes he'll shut them up. Instead I found him dozing off near Shino on one of the bean bags.

They then chuckled and shared amused glances. Even the ever silent Shino was smirking at me. That wasn't a good sign.

"I suggest you start by opening one of the letters." Sai said as he passed behind me to get a pencil.

I stared skeptically at the four guys who watched me and reached out to grab one of the letters. I ripped it open and took out the piece of paper.

Dear Agony aunt,

I think I'm falling for one of my teachers! What's worse is that he lives with one of the hottest guys in school! It's horrible! When I see them all I think about is what they do when they're-

What the… I stopped reading and took another letter and read.

Sup Auntie,

So I'm not comfortable showering with the rest of the guys after P.E… It's just-

Please don't tell me this is…

Dear Agony Aunt,

My mom won't let me wear a bikini or a thong. How can I convince her that there is nothing wrong with them?

Oh my fucking god….

"ADVICE!?" I shrieked as I stood up from my chair and threw the letter like it was on fire. "Advice! Are you frickin' kidding me!?"

The guys howled with laughter.

"This is a sick joke!" I yelled even if they weren't listening anymore. "This is what I have to do!? Showers? Thongs!? WHAT THE HELL?"

Suddenly Shikamaru stirred from his sleep and said:

"Welcome to the paper, Agony Uncle."

CAMPUS LIFE: New addition to the newspaper staff!

All members of The Flash would like to welcome our new comrade Sasuke Uchiha! We hope you'll have a wonderful time with us. :)

LostInspiration312 would like to say she has no idea where this story came from and doesn't know where this will go.

She claims that this was written due to excessive viewing of reruns of "Student Bodies" and an episode of the "Suite Life with Zack and Cody". Don't ask me why she watches pre-adolescent twins run wild in a hotel owned by a G-rated Paris Hilton caricature. Because I won't be able to answer such a question since I don't live with her. Fortunately.

Another thing she wants to clear up is the name of the High School in this fanfic. She went against the usual, Leaf High, Konoha High, etc., and decided to change it up a bit and use the First Hokage's name. How brilliant. And the term Agony Uncle comes from Agony Aunt. An agony aunt is a newspaper columnist who gives advice to people having problems, especially personal ones. Again, how brilliant.

She would also like to apologize to all her readers of I Was Wrong and Two-Faced Backstabbing Bridesmaid. The stories are not on Hiatus and will be updated soon.

However, if she wasn't going around writing five different stories and getting all confused with new plot twists she wouldn't be in this situation. But that's just what I think. And I'm usually right, being who I am and all.

Anyways, I've wasted enough time writing what she should, and if I continue bashing her she just might kill me off.

She wishes you all enjoy this, and hopes she will get all your support.

(Even is she doesn't deserve it. Keeping you all waiting like this…)

Until the next chapter,