Summary: Faced with the problem of an extremely full diaper, Sirius and James are forced to clean up an excruciatingly stinky Harry.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Jo's. But whatever. No, you know what, I claim the plot. She owns the characters. So bah on you, Jo. Heh.
And Then My Child Exploded
a Siriusly Klutzy story.
I knew letting Sirius handle Harry for just five minutes was a bad idea. I could only be grateful that there wasn't an explosion. Yet.
"I think I broke your son," he finally answered.
I jumped up from my bed and dashed over to Harry's room to find Sirius sitting on the floor with Harry in his lap, toy trains and fake wands lying all over the place. Along with a plastic gnome I don't remember buying, but I didn't question that.
"What," I asked, panting and mentally cursing myself for being out of shape from not playing Quidditch in a while, "did you do?"
"I don't know!" he exclaimed, panicked. Death Eaters? No problem, Sirius would blast them out of their shoes. Whomping Willows? No scarier than the Easter Bunny. But a potentially broken baby had him shaking in his boots. Of course, I was panicked, too. What did Sirius do to Harry? How had he broken my son?
"What do you mean you don't know?" I asked quickly, my words stringing together. I sat down next to the two and looked Harry over. No bumps, bruises, or visible bleeding. He was breathing. Everything seemed okay. "He looks fine to me," I said, visibly relaxing.
"Look at his face! It's all scrunched up! What's wrong with him?"
Harry's face was scrunched up. "He looks like he's going to be sick? Is he groaning? Padfoot! What did you do to Harry?" I jumped up and pointed a finger accusingly at him.
He stood up as well, but more slowly as not to make Harry any sicker than he actually was.
"I didn't do anything! He just got all scrunchy like that and started making funny noises! Should we bring him to Saint Mungo's?"
"I don't know."
"You're a dad! Think like one! What's wrong with him?"
Needless to say, both of us were back to panicking, Sirius pacing around the room with Harry and his scrunched up face, me standing still trying to remember if anything like this had happened before.
"Oh!" I said, finally remembering what was going on. It was so simple, really. And the Stupidest Father of the Year Award goes to… "Sirius!" I chuckled at the simplicity of the solution. Really, it was obvious. "I figured it out! He just needs to-"
Remember that explosion I was worried about? About what might happen if I left Sirius and Harry alone? This wasn't even close.
Harry exploded. Not literally, of course, Lily would have killed me. But it was pretty damn close.
"Sweet Merlin, Prongs!" Sirius shouted, now holding Harry at arms length. "Take him! For the love of Merlin, that's disgusting! Prongs, I think that's worse than Peter's! Take your repulsive son!"
Fatherly responsibilities kicking in, along with a mixture of pity for my mate, I took Harry grudgingly, but, like Sirius, held him at arms length.
Harry, whose face was no longer scrunched up like he was thinking extremely hard, or in this case willing himself to go, let out a giggle and started kicking in my arms, wafting the smell in every direction. When Sirius and I let out more groans of disgust, he giggled even more.
"He stinks, Prongs," Sirius noted. He was on the other side of the room now, with his nose pinched and facing the window waiting for a fresh breeze. I was envious.
"What do we do?" I called, turning my head away from the stinky and giggling baby. He must have inherited this from Lily's side of the family. Mum never complained about me being smelly as a child. Except when I got a little too close to Uncle Someone-who's-distantly-related's horse.
"We?" Sirius scoffed. "There is no 'we' here, mate, you're on your own."
"What?! If you don't stick around, I'm going to throw his nappy at you!" I threatened. Sirius spun around slowly.
"You wo- that is disgusting!" Sirius said.
"What do you expect me to do?" he shouted back but took a couple steps closer. It's very nice knowing that your mates will deal with a stench worse than death if you threaten and beg enough.
I thought for a moment about how to do this. "Okay," I said finally. "Hold him under the arms and I'll attack the bottom. That way we have less of a chance of getting something on the carpet." I wasn't at the top of my year for nothing.
"How do we get his clothes off?" Sirius asked before taking my repulsive son, who I, of course, loved dearly. But he smelled ridiculously foul.
"Use your wand?" I suggested, still holding Harry out at arms length. Sirius grinned and pulled his wand out of his pocket. "Careful," I warned, "I think there's something on them."
He crinkled his nose and flicked the wand. Harry's clothes vanished, leaving only a disgustingly poop-covered child in my arms.
"Where'd you send them?" I asked, extremely grateful that not all of my Quidditch fitness had worn off; my arms were hardly tired.
He grinned mischievously and it brought back many pranking memories. "Dear old Mum."
We both stopped to think of the possibilities for a moment, but Harry broke our moment of reminiscing by letting out a very loud, inappropriate noise which, consequently, added even more to the mess at hand.
"Prongs, that reeks. It's got to be the foulest thing I've ever smelled."
"We've got to get it off. And then burn it."
Sirius nodded. "Where's Lily again?"
"She went some place with Alice or something. I don't remember. Okay, here, hold him under the arms and I'll… pull the nappy off or something."
"Haven't you done this before?" Sirius asked. He took Harry and kept him a good ways away from his nose. Smart move.
It's true that Lily handled most of the nappies, but I hadn't never done it before. I've done it almost as much as Lily has. She just loves me too much to make me have to deal with it, thank Merlin for that. I've never had one this bad though.
"Of course I have!"
"Okay, then go!"
I made my way over to the toxic baby. Slowly. No sudden movements. Who knew what was in there now? We might have given it too much time to sit, it could have developed limbs, or a brain, or other things that would be equally terrifying for it to have.
Harry, my ignorant son who apparently had a deficient nose, was still giggling happily. How he couldn't smell that was beyond me. It was… urgh.
In one swift motion, the nappy was off and hovering over the bin. I flicked my wand a bit and, without splattering a drop of brown… ick, rolled it so it was in a nice, tight, nasty, but not nearly as nasty as before, ball. And with that, I dropped it into the bin with a breath of relief.
"Don't smile so soon, Prongs. Harry's still covered," Sirius called, bringing my attention to the new task at hand.
"What do we do?" Sirius asked.
"Wipe him off?" I suggested.
"Very good question, mate."
We sat there pondering on what to do with Harry (it was much easier now that the smell wasn't as strong and I didn't have the urge to toss him and his smelly galore out the window) for a good three minutes, Sirius still holding Harry at arms length but I could see that he was slowly getting lower and lower.
"We could put him in the tub?" Sirius offered as he tried to prop Harry up some more.
So that's what we did. Sirius carried naked, filthy Harry downstairs to the bathroom and held him over to the tub while I filled it with water. Once it was a reasonable amount, Harry went in and the poo started coming off.
"What do we do about the bits that aren't coming off?" I asked Sirius as I dumped loads of Nanny Zelda's Ultra Soap in the tub. It started bubbling the moment it went in, causing Harry to start about with his happy giggling again. I don't see how he could be happy. He was sitting around in his own waste. His own wet waste. Sirius and I were only witnessing it and we were disgusted.
My son was truly mad, another trait he must have acquired from dearest Lily.
"Here," I said, tossing Sirius a wash cloth. "Scrub him with this."
Sirius looked shocked. "Prongs, when we signed up for this baby thing, I did not agree to do bath time."
"I have to go find more clothes," I countered.
"Why can't I do that?" he protested.
"Because someone needs to make sure he won't drown."
"Why can't you do that?"
"Because you would come back with purple pants and a bright green shirt."
Sirius stayed quiet for a few seconds before, "Your son owns purple pants?"
I walked out of the room to find some decent clothes.
When I got back, bubbles were flooding out the door. Sirius and Harry were both covered in the sudsy bubbles when I walked in. I only found them because Harry was still giggling. I had to take out my wand and literally vanish the bubbles from the bathroom.
"Thanks, mate," Sirius said with a sigh of relief. "Harry got a little excited and kicked my wand out of my hand." He grinned and reached down to pick it up from its place next to the bin.
"Is he clean?" I asked hopefully
I gave him a questioning look. "Kind of?"
"Well, I don't see anything. Maybe we should just wait until Li-"
"WHY are there bubbles in my kitchen?"
"-ly gets home… nevermind."
Right, this was much scarier than Death Eaters, the Whomping Willow, and a dirty nappy combined. This was my furious wife.
"Lily, darling!" I called, cursing myself for not noticing the apparent soap in our kitchen. Why wasn't I more observant?
I ran to the kitchen to see that, thankfully, there weren't nearly as many suds in here as there were in the bathroom. These only came up to out knees.
"James! What did you do?" she screeched. Alice was behind her with three bags and laughing hysterically. I feared that if she laughed any harder she would fall over and be lost in the meadow of soap suds.
"Exploded the cleaning closet by the looks of it," Alice said in between laughs. Lily and I both gave her our best 'Not helping' looks but she just continued laughing.
"Well, Harry, erm… made a mess," I said just as Sirius and Harry came out of the bathroom, still covered in soap.
"Harry made the mess?" Lily asked with a raised eye brow.
"In his pants," I confirmed.
"Oh. Harry made the mess. But, James, darling, that doesn't explain why there is soap in my kitchen!"
"Hello, Alice," Sirius said. "How's Frank? And Neville?"
She took a moment to catch her breath and to stop laughing. "Lovely, they're doing fine." Snort. "And yourself?"
"Just dandy," Sirius said with a grin. He shook his head so soap flew off and, well, onto more soap.
"Well, it was a big mess, Lily," I explained, backing towards the door. "It-"
"By 'it' do you mean poo?" Alice asked.
"Okay, just making sure."
We all rolled our eyes. "It was all over him. We didn't know what to… how to clean him!"
"So you fill my house with soap suds?"
"Well, no. We put him in the tub and… I guess I might have put in a bit too much."
"A bit? A BIT?" She seethed for a moment. "James, how did you not know how to do this? You've done it at least a hundred times before!"
"It was a big mess," I defended. "And… it was Sirius's idea to put him in the tub!"
Lily turned to face Sirius. He held Harry up to show that the only way she could hurt him would be to go through Harry first. With one flick of her wand, he was standing in his underwear.
Lily and Alice both grinned.
"Where'd you send them?" I asked cautiously.
"Marlene's." Sirius visibly paled. "We were just curious as to what her new bloke will think about them." Marlene's new bloke had arms the size of me.
A/n: Ohmygod, Siriusly Klutzy is still alive! Argh, I'm so mad that I haven't written anything in a while. I forgot that I can be ridiculous as I want because I have the most ridiculous readers in the entire world (in a good way, of course, you all know that). So every time I tried to write something and it went just a smidge ridiculous I'd stop. STOP! I must have been going through a serious phase. I'm glad I remembered that I can be whacky and make them do whatever I'd like.
Oh, and I used the correct terminology for diaper this time, thanks to Padfoot and Prongs Gurl! At least, the correct terminology for not here, that is. Horray for nappies!
Thanks for reading and all that jazz, don't mind me. I've gone slightly insane after finishing Breaking Dawn. What'd you guys think!?
Much love and a clothesless Sirius for you all,