Disclaimer: I do not own the Ed, Edd n' Eddy characters. Danny Antonucci owns them. I don't.
A fan-fiction by The Mauve Lantern
Chapter 1: Element E
The town of Peach Creek. A small, peaceful town that doesn't have much to it, just the basics of a small town: an elementary school, middle school, and high school; a couple banks, one large hospital and small shops of all sorts; a junkyard, a trailer park, and a cozy little suburb, home to several children. Yes, it's a small town, but everything is going to change today, June 1st, 2008.
"Man, could a day go by any slower?!" shouted a small boy. He was small for his age, but what he lacked in height he made up for in wits. He had short, black hair, with three large strands that stuck out on top, and a yellow shirt that had a red stripe going up the side and a purple collar on top. His jeans were baggy, and had a chain on the right side, and a pair of red Chuck Taylor's adorned his feet. He was Eddy O'Brian, and he was the leader of a group of boys dubbed "The Eds". "I almost passed out from the boredom!"
A fairly tall boy replied, "How would that be any different from normal, Eddy?" He wore a black hat that completely covered his scalp, save for three wisps of hair that stuck out of the back. He had on a baggy orange shirt and a pair of purple shorts, with long red socks on his legs, and a pair of blue sneakers. His name was Eddward "Edd" Mardon, and he was the brains of the group. "You fall asleep almost every day; it'll be a miracle if you aren't held back!"
"I like holding stuff, Double D!"
"That's nice, Ed."
Ed Mason was the tallest boy in the group, and the dumbest of the bunch. Some say he had been dropped on his head as a baby, others say he watched too many stupid cartoons; no one knows for sure. He wore a baggy green jacket, a red and white striped t-shirt, and very baggy jeans. He had two giant black shoes on his feet, and both were untied. His red hair was very short, and very dirty; one might even wonder if it was red at all! "I think, therefore, I am, Double D!"
Eddy turned to Ed and said, "Shut up, Ed! I'm gonna tell you guys why I wanted the day ta end so badly!"
"Why, pray tell?" asked Edd.
"'Cause my brother sent me a rare, one-of-a-kind JAWBREAKER in the MAIL, that's why!"
"Ooh, goody-goody!" Ed said, barely containing his excitement.
Eddy jumped into the air, and said, "Now let's quit yappin' and get ta my house!" The boys ran as fast as they could, acting as though that candy was life-giving water. Now, understand that jawbreakers are not just regular candy, oh no. They are orbs of sweetness, wrapped around several layers of yummy, all of which covers a core of pure delicious. The Eds have tried time and again to acquire jawbreakers, but they almost always lose their money or the candy at the last second. Sad, isn't it?
Ed, Edd, and Eddy ran straight into the house, almost forgetting to open the door. They ran into the kitchen, where, sitting on the counter, was the yummiest, tastiest, most delicious treat in the world. "FREE JAWBREAKER!" the boys shouted, each of them gazing at it in wonder. It was perfectly smooth, and didn't have the bumps and ridges that a regular jawbreaker had. It was yellow on one side, purple on the other, with a dividing line running down the middle. Eddy turned to his friends and said, "Don't worry fellas; I'll let ya know how it tastes!"
"What th-?! ED!" Ed stood before Eddy and Edd with a massive bulge in his cheek and a blank spot on the counter where the jawbreaker had just been.
"Ooops, sorry Eddy! My bad!" Ed swallowed the jawbreaker, and looked at his friends, saying, "It looked so yum-yummy that I couldn't help myself!"
"GIVE ME MY JAWBREAKER!"
"Ed, for Pete's sake, can't you control your appetite?!"
Ed ran away from his capped friend, and shouted, "No can do, Double D! Mister Tummy needs food!"
"Yeah?! Well I'll give him a knuckle sandwich! COME HERE, YOU!" Eddy screamed as he chased his dim-witted pal.
Eddward sighed, and said, "Must we do this every day?"
"YESSIREE, DOUBLE D!"
Later that night…
The boy called Ed tossed and turned in his sleep, dreaming of epic battles with mutant mole-men from Babylon 4; he was completely unsuspecting of the changes that were happening to his body at that moment. His body started shimmering and shaking, quivering like a bowl full of jello. His skin was puffing up, then deflating; his body elongated, and then returned to normal. The red hair on Ed's head grew out into curly locks, only to evaporate into a mist above his head. The most bizarre part had not even begun.
His body shook with one final tremor, and then collapsed onto the bed, still and motionless, save for his breathing and noises he was making as he combated his dream-enemies. Suddenly, the skin on Ed's face began to change as a purple pigment started to spread onto the left side of his body, and gold spread to the other. The colors completely covered his head and neck, and made their way down his arms to the fingertips. Even his legs underwent the metamorphosis, the color scheme remaining the same. Finally, it stopped, and Ed was left in his colored state, sprawled on his bed in only his underwear and a dingy tank top.
The next morning…
The sound of a thunderous "EEEDDD!" shook the Mason household, as Ed's baby sister broke down the door to her brother's room. "ED! Get up! Mom says you have to take me over to Jimmy's house!" Despite her screaming, there was no movement.
"Oh, Eeeeedddd…wake up big brother…"
Still no movement.
"ED! GET UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M TELLING MOM!"
Ed was not getting up. Sarah was furious, for lack of a better word: usually Ed would leap into action if Sarah so much as mentioned the name 'Mom'. She stomped over to the covers, yanked off the covers and started to say, "EEE-" but stopped when she saw her brother's new skin condition. She stared at him, and grumbled, "That dummy must've painted himself in his sleep again." Seeing as Ed wasn't going to wake up anytime soon, Sarah said, "Ahh, who needs ya?!" made her way to the door and slammed it with all her might.
Just as she slammed the door, two familiar figures climbed in through Ed's window. "I told ya sock head, I don't wanna see that numbskull today; he took my jawbreaker!"
"Eddy, I realize this, given that you've told me a thousand times since yesterday, but this is Ed we're talking about. He simply acted on impulse: he saw the jawbreaker, and went for it. You would too, if you had been in Ed's shoes! And that's why you need to apologize to him for tying his neck into a knot."
Eddy grumbled to himself, and replied, "Yeah, yeah. Hey, what's up with Lumpy?! Did he paint himself in his sleep again?!"
Edd gasped, and said, "Oh dear! Ed, wake up!"
Ed groggily rose up, rubbed the sleep from his eyes and, upon seeing his two bestest friends in the whole world, shouted, "EDDY! DOUBLE D!" He reached out with his big arms and pulled them into a hug. "I am happy as a clam to see my bestest chums here to visit!"
Eddy struggled against the hug, saying, "Yeah, yeah, we get it Lumpy! Now let us go before ya choke us!" As he pushed away from Ed's body, he suddenly felt sand all over his back. Eddy turned his head to the left to find that Ed's arm had turned into sand! "AAAAAHHH!" he screamed, then turned to Edd and shouted, "Double D, what's going on?!" It was then that he noticed his friend was being held by an arm made of brick; he also looked like he couldn't breathe. "ED! PUT US DOWN!"
"Roger that, Eddy!" and he dropped the two boys on the ground.
Edd gasped for air, and marveled at Ed, wheezing out, "E-Ed, wh-'wheeze'-what was that?!"
"What was what, Double D?"
"That thing you did with your arms, you idiot! Your arms turned to sand and stone!" shouted Eddy.
"Huh?" Ed looked at his arms, and screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" and started running around the room, his body going through changes as he ran. First his leg turned into pure iron, which left dents wherever he stepped. Then, his head burst into flames, scaring him even more. His legs turned to blue water, and started to flood the room.
Edd screamed, "ED STOP!" and he did.
The dim-witted Ed grabbed onto his genius friend, and shouted, "WHAT"S HAPPENING TO ME, DOUBLE D?! I LOOK LIKE THE MATTER-MAKER MAN FROM 'FINAL SECERET INVASION CRISIS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT'!"
The kind-hearted Edd took his friend's hand, patted it, and said, "There, there, it's okay Ed. We're going to find out what caused you to get this way, Eddy and I!"
Eddy said, "Wadda ya mean 'we're'?! I don't know anything about science!"
"I'll just need you to keep Ed calm while I run my tests, all right Eddy?"
"All right, as long as I don't have to touch him. Who knows where he's been?!"
"I have been right here, Eddy, snug as a bug on a rug."
"Shut up, lumpy, and get some clothes on. No one can see ya while you're like this, okay?"
"But why, Eddy?" asked Edd.
'Because, Sock head: it'll be the end of him, it'll be the end of you, it'll be the end of me; but worst of all, it'll be the end of me!"
Edd sighed and said, "Well, you are right Eddy. Ed does need to cover himself up when he goes out there." He turned to Ed and asked, "Ed, where do you keep your winter clothing?"
Ed grinned a goofy grin and replied, "My mom hides them where I can't find 'em, Double D!"
"Great, how're we supposed to get to your house, Double D?" said a frustrated Eddy.
Edd thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers and said, "I've got it! Eddy, you remember that time we tried to get Ed out of being grounded?"
"Yeah, I'm still doing chores for that!"
"Well, remember how we got in through the pipes by warping the concrete?"
Eddy's eyes lit up and he shouted, "You're a GENIUS, Double D! Ed, get that broken umbrella of yours; we're getting' outta here!"
Ed gave Eddy the Urban Ranger salute and said, "Roger, Eddy!"
One journey through the Peach Creek sewer system later…
The boys squeezed themselves through the pipe that led into Edd's basement, or rather, Edd and Eddy squeezed in, Ed turned his body into water and gushed into the room like a geyser. Edd shouted, "Ed! Put yourself back together!"
"Aw, sorry Double D!" The mass of water shifted back into Ed, and left not a drop anywhere in the room.
The brainy boy smiled and said, "Thank you, Ed." He turned and headed towards the closet in the basement. "Now, gentlemen," he said as he walked, "I am going to run a few tests on Ed, just to see what has become of his body."
"Whoa whoa whoa, tests?!" said Eddy. "Y'mean, like stick a needle in his arm 'tests'?!"
"I will need a sample, Eddy, and a blood sample would be the best way to determine what has happened to our poor friend Ed." Edd looked over at his friend, with concern written all over his face as Ed stood their sticking his finger through one ear and out the other.
Eddy blinked and replied, "Yeah, cuz he's really suffering…"
"Eddy, please show some compassion; Ed might be breaking down on the inside!"
"Smell my feet, smell my feet…"
Eddy stared at his large, brain-dead friend, grumbled and said, "Whatever, let's just get this over with."
Edd walked over to Ed with a small syringe, and said, "Now, Ed, this will only hurt for a second…" He wiped a spot on Ed's arm off, and inserted the needle, extracting a small amount of blood. The young genius stared at the syringe, and whispered, "Oh my…how peculiar!"
"Whoa, check that out!"
"Coool! It is like the mutant apple cider the heroes had to drink in 'I Was A Teenage Hillbilly, The Miniseries!'" 'Mutant' was a good way to describe the blood, which was changing its color every second. First it was brown, then light blue, and now it was teal green. It didn't get much more mutant than that!
"Hmm…I'll have to run this under the microscope," said Double D, "before we can conclude anything. Ed, would you go wait in that containment chamber over there?"
"Okey-dokey, Double D!" Ed shouted as he ran into the chamber.
Edd took the blood sample, placed the blood on a small sheet of glass, and stuck it under the powerful lens of his microscope. "With my high-power microscope, we should be able to see any anomalies in Ed's body!"
"In English, Sock head!"
"We'll find out why Ed is gold and purple, and why he turned into sand, brick and water, Eddy." Edd flipped the switches of the microscope on, and magnified the lenses till he could see every cell, every molecule, and even the atoms. He stared at the sample and immediately noticed something. "EDDY, COME HERE!"
"What, what is it?!"
"Look at this, Eddy; just look at it!" Eddy stared through the lens of the microscope, and noticed the same thing Edd had seen: there were all kinds of strange shapes in Ed's body, and lots of them were different colored than regular blood cells.
"Woah, that's in Ed's blood?! That doesn't look a thing like blood!" Eddy said, confused and more than a little frightened. What the heck was up with his friend?!
Edd said, "Pardon me, Eddy; I have to get something from my room." He scurried out of the basement, leaving Eddy all alone with Ed. He stared at the chamber Ed was in, where he was currently smacking himself up against the glass.
Eddy went over and said, "So, Ed, what else can ya do?"
Ed put his finger to his chin, and said, "Hmmmmmmm…" and stood there with a far-off look in his eyes.
Eddy grew frustrated with his large friend, and shouted, "Sometime this century, Ed!"
"Okey-dokey, Eddy!" Ed flailed his right arm about, and the entire arm became a tentacle of fire; he did the same thing to the left, and it became a swirling tentacle. Laughing hysterically, Ed bounced into the air, and his legs joined together and changed into a metal spring; the dim-witted boy continued bouncing until he hit his head, which changed into water as it smacked the ceiling.
Now it was Eddy's turn to laugh uncontrollably, as he fell to the ground and clenched his gut. "AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, Lumpy that was great! Do it again, do it again!"
"Oh, very well; here goes something!" For his next trick, Ed's torso changed into gas, where he proceeded to poke holes in himself with his finger. "Eddy, look!" he shouted, "I look like Sheldon, my lucky piece of cheese!"
"That is the best, Ed!"
"AHEM!" Eddy and Ed looked over to see that Edd had returned, and carried two large books with him. "If you two are done playing around, I believe I have found something that might help us understand Ed's predicament." He showed the cover of one book to his friends: 'The World of Molecules and You, by John Osterman'.
"What the heck are we gonna get out of a book?!" Eddy said with disgust. He was never one for reading; the pint-sized Ed only needed the pictures.
"Patience, Eddy. Now, fellows, look here," Edd flipped through the pages until he came upon a picture of mercury molecules. "Eddy, we saw these exact same molecules floating around in Ed's blood sample! Not only that, but if you look through this book, you should be able to recognize a few of them from that sample. Here, take a look for yourself."
Edd handed the book to Eddy, who began flipping through the pages; true to what his friend told him, most of these had been in that drop of blood. Eddy slammed the book shut, and said, "So what the heck does this mean, Double D? Is Ed, like, a living period table now?"
"First off Eddy, it's 'periodic table'; secondly, I am not sure. I had some doubts, until I saw Ed changing into fire, water and smoke just now; that clinched it. Now, the only thing left to check is this: Ed, could you describe the jawbreaker you ate yesterday?"
Ed stared off into space until Edd brought him back to reality with a few snaps of the fingers. The simple boy smiled and said, "Hiya, guys!"
Eddward rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers while Eddy smacked his forehead. They looked at each other, and thought, "Yeah, Ed's fine."
Edd coughed, and said, "Ed, could you describe the jawbreaker you ate yesterday?"
Grinning stupidly, Ed replied, "Sure thing, Double D. It was so sweet and delicious, with its two different sides, I thought it had to be the crystal ball of the Dragon from the planet Keman, but then why would it be in Eddy's kitchen. So, wanting to taste the flavor of the-ul-ti-mate jawbreaker, Ed swooped in with his mouth of justice and devoured the sweet and delicious morsel. Before I knew it, I had swallowed the whole thing. And that's all I have to say about that!"
Double D began leafing through the pages of the other book, and asked Ed, "Ed, what colors was the jawbreaker?"
"It was gold like Rolf's corn and purple like a sack of potatoes."
After a few seconds of skimming, Edd said, "AHA! I've found it!"
"What didja find, Double D?"
Edd held the book to Eddy's face, and asked Eddy, "Does this look familiar to you, Eddy?" On the page where the brainy boy's finger was, was a picture of the ultimate jawbreaker. Eddy began drooling at the sight of it, only to notice something right above the picture. It was a caption that read, "THE ORB OF RA".
Eddy was suddenly confused: he had seen that jawbreaker arrive at his house this morning; the UPS guy had said it was 'overnight shipping'. Why was it so important for his brother to get this jawbreaker to him overnight? Was it even a jawbreaker? But first and foremost came the most burning question in Eddy's mind:
"Who the heck is Ra, and what the heck was he doin' with my jawbreaker?!"
"Eddy, Ra is not a 'person', per se," Edd started to say, "But rather, he is an Egyptian deity. I read through this article, and look at what it says about the orb:
The Orb of Ra is an ancient Egyptian relic, buried under one of the pyramids. It was discovered in 1965 when a team of archaeologists accidently fell into the chamber that held the orb. According to the hieroglyphics that were on the pedestal that held the orb, the orb was a tool that had been used by a dark and powerful magician to terrorize the land, until the Prince Khufu and his trusted allies Nabu and Teth-Adam defeated the magi. The orb, along with all other weapons of power that Khufu won in battle, was buried with him in his pyramid; anyone who took the orb would be cursed by its powerful magic. The group did not believe in the curse, until months after returning home and bringing the orb with them, all members of the party were affected with radiation poisoning. The orb was kept hidden away, in a containment center, where its harmful radiation could not seep out.
"You see, Eddy: that was no mere jawbreaker that Ed swallowed; it was, in fact, an orb with enough radiation to rival a power plant!" They both turned to Ed, who was now running around screaming his ears off after he had turned his left hand into wood, his right hand into a knife, and tried to carve his name in his hand.
"So, what do we do with Elemento over here?!"
"If I may offer a suggestion? I propose that Ed stay here tonight, so that we can test the limits of his mutation. This will be a test to see just what has happened to Ed."
Eddy said to Edd, "Well, I ain't goin' home; not until we know for sure Ed's fine!"
Eddward looked at his friend with pride: this generous side of Eddy was about as common a sight as Bigfoot. "Eddy, how considerate of you to stay the night with Ed; you must really care about his well-being!"
"Care, shmare, I just wanna make sure he's fine before we reveal him to the cul-de-sac! I can see it now: ELEMENT E, THE HUMAN PERIOD TABLE!"
And just like that, all the pride he felt a moment ago drained out of his body, replaced by pure frustration. "You are not going to make Ed into one of your scams, Eddy! I am telling you right now, I-"
Eddy waved his hand at Edd in a "Chill out" kind of manner, and said, "Aw, relax Double D; I was just kidding! We really should hang out tonight, though. It's a Friday night, our parents are out of town, and Ed can turn into whatever he wants! It'll be the ultimate SLEEPOVER!"
Ed stopped running around as soon as he said those words, and shouted, "SLEEPOVER?! COOOOOL! I could be the giant Mattress King, from 'Journey to the Center of the Pillowverse, the European Edition'!" He jumped high in the air, and changed into a giant mattress over Edd and Eddy, hollering, "I AM THE MATTRESS KING! I SHALL SLEEP ON YOU!"
Next time on Ed Justice: an experiment goes horribly wrong! What is the catastrophic result for poor Double D?! And a mysterious figure is coming to the cul-de-sac; is he there for good, or for awesome?! Tune in next week for the next installment of Ed Justice! Same Ed time, same Ed channel!