Fragile Emotions

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The past II:

"How is she? Doctor?" Utau asked.

He lifted his head, his mouth forming a relief smile.

"She is ok. It seems like she is just suffering from a state of depression. Do keep a watch out on her and take note on each action she makes."

Ikuto who was standing beside Utau nodded numbly. Why as a brother hadn't he noticed before?! As a best friend as a big brother he had failed in both.

"Can we go in and see her?"

"Yes but try not to raise your voices."

The doctor walked off to the next room. The couple opened the door silently, not wanting to disturb Amu in case she was sleeping.

-

I heard the door creak open. I knew from my instinct Ikuto was visiting. There was some shuffling off feet. Seems like he wasn't here alone. Probably with his fiancée. Bitterness crept up to me. Swallowing me whole. Why? Why must he save me? Let me live? For once, I had thought of him as a cruel person.

"Amu?"

His voice.

"Are you awake?"

Please leave. I beg you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm tried to hold on to my emotions. It is like holding a thorn-covered rose. Except now that my hand is coated in crimson blood. It hurts so much knowing that the person you love is so close to you but you can never receive all the love you gave to him. This is so wrong. The whole thing about incest. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm so selfish too. Never wanting to share him with anyone. But he will never know. He shouldn't. He must not.

"Ikuto I don't think she is awake. Maybe we can try visiting another day?"

Yes. Leave. Please.

"I will stay. My sister needs me Utau!"

Why are you so kind? Your tenderness towards me is the bud of where this all started from. I can't cry. Not now. Not when you are right now where you can see me.

"Ok."

I hear the door creaking close. Utau left huh?

"Amu. I know you love me. I love you but not that way. It is just wrong."

I know! You don't need to tell me that! Hearing that from you hits me twice as hard. The society isn't going to accept this right? Then let us go somewhere where no one can find us, where no one will shun us. Only then will you be willing to be with me?

"I know you are awake, Amu. Stop pretending."

So you know. So you think you can understand me? SO YOU THINK YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME?! You don't. You never will. Drop the act. Please. If you want me to stop loving you then stop treating me so kindly damn it! I know I am twisted inside for loving you. I can't stop my feelings like you can. I only can act.

"Amu…"

I'm sorry for cursing you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for being your sister. I'm sorry for loving you.

"Please."

When I open my eyes I never want to see you cry. Therefore I will not open them. I sick of seeing them always filled with sorrow and pity.

"I guess you are really sleeping huh? I will visit you later then."

Thank you.

-

Here I am at your wedding ceremony. The doctor agreed to let me out of the hospital to witness this once in a life time event of yours. I snorted at the way you have to phrase it in order to convince the doctor to get me out of the hospital. Somehow I wish that the doctor had refused. I should have violently protested then. But I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt you.

The wedding music started playing in the background.

To me it sounded like a funeral march.

Utau stepped on to the aisle in a wedding gown. She is so beautiful as usual. I wonder how I would look like in that dress. Probably inferior to the glowing aura she is giving off now. I feel like I am degrading myself but what are facts will stay as facts.

Every each word you spoke from the marriage vows engraved into my messed up mind. Each word brings you nearer to the kiss I've been trying to avoid. I could feel my once dead heart beating with dreaded anticipation once more as I had never seen you two kissed. I know I will crack after seeing it. What will I do then?

As your face approached hers, I broke down and dashed out of the wedding chapel. Isn't it strange how the wedding chapel is located at a sea cliff? I find it really ironic that the day of your wedding marks my death. I could feel you shouting among the many others as I sprinted to the edge of the cliff's end.

I jumped.

I decided to embrace death wholeheartedly. It was waiting for me after all.

The last thing I saw was crimson blood splattering everywhere and an image of you smiling at me.

I hope you wouldn't think too badly of me.

I don't mind being your sister once more just to see you.

Let's meet again, in another world, another lifetime.

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"AMU!"

I had loved you Amu.

But this was just all too wrong.

Why does it have to turn out like this?

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200 years later…

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"Hi Amu, welcome to Seiyo Academy."