The Hitchhiker's Guide to MacGyver

(as written by Jack O'Neill after a few too many beers while listening to Carter and Daniel try to introduce Teal'c to the writings of Douglas Adams)

Duct tape: Duct tape has a light side and a dark side and binds the universe together. This close connection to the fundamental building blocks of life the universe and everything is the reason a roll of duct tape slides into a pocket dimension easier than a Swiss Army knife and leaves less of a lump in the seat of the pants.

Swiss Army knife: A small subspecies of metallic porcupine which can fold up its quills when ordered. Not to be confused with a Leatherman. Like a zat, has stun, kill, short-circuit and lockpick functions. Probably has a disintegrate function too, but I've never asked.

Handkerchief: Much more useful than a towel. Also much harder to spell. Can be a rope, a bag, a bandage, a bandanna, a blindfold, even a handkerchief if you're so inclined.

Paper clips: Annoying little tangled wires that disappear when you need them to hold reports together, run away and grow up to be wire coat hangers, then drop your dress blues on the closet floor the night before you're due to brief the Joint Chiefs.

Shoelaces: (Here the document trails off into doodles, mostly chemical symbols, magnets, and 42s, surrounding a very large decorative "Ka-BOOM!")