Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei or any of its characters.
Hello everyone. It sure has been a while since I've written anything for this fandom. Anybody that's reading my other fics, they will be updated eventually! I actually had a few of them almost completed but my old computer completely died and the fics were on there so.. yea.. They will be updated eventually!
So, I got this little idea after reading a Prince of Tennis fic on driving and I thought 'Hmm.. what if Hisoka tried to learn how to drive?' and thus this fic was born! Hisoka gets to be taught by the other shinigami unfortunately that isn't as good as it sounds! Out of five, only one knows how to actually drive normally! The others.. well, find out for yourself. Enjoy!
Summary: Hisoka has decided to learn how to drive. Unfortunately, the only ones available to teach him are the other shinigami.
Warnings: Crackish, some explicit language.
Quick note: Here's my thoughts on driving in Meifu. As shown in Volume 9 of the manga, they do drive cars. I'm guessing that Tatsumi isn't the only one there with a car. The lights will also be American lights, green to yellow, yellow to red, and red to green. Also, since most people there aren't very young, I doubt that they have driver's permits, or licenses for that matter, so when a person wants to learn, they just ask people to teach them. Also, I am not good with cars so I will not go into specifics about describing them.
It was a bright, sunny summer morning in the land of the dead and Kurosaki Hisoka had a bit of a dilemma. You see, he had figured a way to prove that he wasn't a mere child. The idea had come to him after the Count's party a few days ago. Tatsumi had driven them to and from the party.
Yes, Hisoka was determined to learn how to drive.
Unfortunately, he wasn't sure who to ask to teach him. Actually, he had been debating that for some time the previous evening. The person he eventually decided on was Tsuzuki due to the fact he was both his partner and one of the oldest shinigami which hopefully meant he was experienced at driving.
As he neared the office that he and Tsuzuki shared, Hisoka prayed that Tsuzuki was better at driving than he was at cooking. Opening the door, the empath wasn't surprised to see his partner all too happily munching on some apple pie. Hisoka nearly rolled his eyes: the man was over a hundred years old yet he acted as if he were five. "Tsuzuki."
Hearing his name, Tsuzuki glanced towards the door. His already happy expression brightened considerably upon spotting his younger partner standing there, "Morning Soka! Want some pie?"
"No." Deadpanned Hisoka. Not moving from his place by the door, the young empath wondered if it really was a good idea to ask Tsuzuki about this.
Tsuzuki noticed that Hisoka had not moved from his place by the door. After swallowing the bite of apple pie in his mouth, he asked, "Something on your mind, Soka?"
Hisoka sighed. "Could you teach me how to drive?"
There was a moment of a silence as Tsuzuki allowed the question to sink in. Once it did, Tsuzuki was out of his chair and glomping Hisoka in the blink of an eye. He was so happy that the boy had actually asked him for help! "Of course I'll teach you!"
A small blushed crept up on Hisoka's cheeks at the body contact as well as at the emotions that he was picking up from the sugar-loving shinigami, "I-Idiot! Let go!"
Tsuzuki let go of his partner only to grab him by the arm and drag him in the direction of Tatsumi's office, "Come Soka! Time to teach you how to drive!"
"Do you even have a car?" Wondered Hisoka, attempting to pry his wrist out of Tsuzuki's grasp. There was a little voice in the back of his head that told him that this was a bad idea.
"Nope!" Happily proclaimed Tsuzuki, "We're borrowing Tatsumi's car!"
Hisoka snorted, "Do you really think Tatsumi-san's going to let you use his car?"
"No." Was the stern answer the shadow master gave. Tsuzuki had barged into his office moments earlier, dragging Hisoka behind him, and pleaded him to lend him his car.
Tsuzuki whimpered, "Please Tatsumi!"
Tatsumi did not even bother looking up from the expense reports he was filling out. "My answer is still no, Tsuzuki-san."
"But Hisoka here wants to learn how to drive and he asked me to teach him!" Wailed the shinigami who had gone into full puppy mode.
At this, Tatsumi did pause. Deep azure eyes darted from the papers in front of them and at the blond youth standing beside Tsuzuki, "Is this true, Kurosaki-kun?"
Hisoka sighed and nodded. He knew Tatsumi would never let them use his car. "Yes."
There was silence for several seconds as Tatsumi glanced back and forth between the two. Resisting the urge to sigh, the secretary reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. "Kurosaki-kun knowing how to drive may be useful on future assignments."
Tsuzuki's face lit up and he grabbed the keys. "Sankyuu! Let's go Soka!"
"Tsuzuki-san." Began Tatsumi just as said man was about to leave. When Tsuzuki turned around, Tatsumi had taken off his glasses and had the most demonic expression on his face that Tsuzuki had ever seen, "If I find so much as a single scratch on my car, I will personally kill you. Understood?"
Tsuzuki gulped. "A.. Alright.." Grabbing his partner by the wrist, Tsuzuki bolted out of the building and headed towards the parking lot. They came to a halt in front of Tatsumi's clean, relatively new, blue Porsche. Now, Tatsumi rarely ever spent money on expensive things but he had wanted a Porsche so he'd gotten one. "Alright, Soka, you get in the passenger's seat and I'll show you how to drive!" Cheerfully proclaimed Tsuzuki as he tried to open the car door and found that he couldn't. He pulled at the handle several times, coming to the conclusion that it had to be broken, "Umm.. Soka, I think the door's broken."
He was kidding, right? He had to be fucking kidding! Realizing that Tsuzuki was indeed being serious, Hisoka's eyebrow visibly twitched, "You need to unlock the door first, idiot!"
"Oh! Right! I knew that!" Tsuzuki chuckled nervously as he fumbled with the keys for a few moments before finally managing to open the door.
"Now unlock my side." Ordered Hisoka upon noticing that Tsuzuki wasn't about to do it. Yup, this had to be a bad idea.
Tsuzuki did as told and Hisoka got inside the vehicle.
The key was slid inside the ignition and nothing happened. Tsuzuki blinked. "Umm.. the car won't start."
Hisoka resisted the urge to bang his head against the window, "You need to TURN the key!"
Doing as he was told, Tsuzuki looked amazed when the car finally started.
"And then release the key!" Did the man even know how to drive!?
"This technology is so amazing, Hisoka! I remember when most people had to walk and--"
"Shut up and drive already!" Shouted an irritated Hisoka. He didn't feel like listening to the guy babble on about the 'good ol days' at the moment.
Tsuzuki nodded. His hands clasped the steering wheel. He put his foot on the gas pedal. And there was nothing. "We're not moving."
"Of course we're not moving! You have the car in Park! You need to put it in Drive in order to go!"
With his foot firmly placed on the gas, Tsuzuki switched the car to Drive and the car sped off down the parking lot and then through the rows of Sakura trees, going at close to 80 mph.
"Idiot! Slow down! SLOW DOWN!" Screeched a terrified Hisoka as they narrowly avoided a collision with a random tree.
"I CAN'T SOKA! I DON'T KNOW HOW!" Cried an equally afraid Tsuzuki while twisting and turning the steering wheel in all directions, hoping that somehow doing that would make the car come to a stop.
"Why the hell did you agree to teach me if you don't know to drive!" The car was nearing the Hall of Candles.
It plowed right through the Count's garden. "Because I was so happy that you asked me to help you so I wanted to teach you!"
Emerald and amethyst eyes simultaneously widened as they noticed the tiny river coming up right ahead of them. Both of the shinigami screamed as the car dived nose first into the river. The front of the car hit the bottom and sunk into it, causing the vehicle to stick out at an odd angle out of the river. Thankfully, this river was shallow and only the front of the car was submerged in water.
Both of the airbags deployed.
Hisoka groaned. Yup, this had been a very, very bad idea.
Tsuzuki smiled weakly at his younger partner, "See, Soka! It's all fine in the end!"
"You do remember whose car this is, right?"
The deer caught in the headlights expression on Tsuzuki's face was priceless. He'd apparently realized that this automobile belonged to one very dangerous, money-tight shadow master.
Hisoka let out a sigh as he finished his large stack of paperwork. He had to do both his and Tsuzuki's paperwork since the brunette was being punished severely. The blond gathered up all the documents and started on his way to Tatsumi's office to deliver them.
When Tatsumi was informed of the tragedy that befell his poor car, he'd snapped. First, he went to find Tsuzuki. Then, he kindly informed Tsuzuki both that his pay was cut for a few weeks and that he was to be the office's slave for a month and had to anything and everything that anyone asked him to, which included sex. Finally, he started ranting about his insurance going up and having to pay more and hiring a mechanic and such stuff. He was talking to that money tree of his for close to an hour.
Luckily, Watari offered to fix the car for free since apparently he knew how. By the time lunch rolled around, Tatsumi's car was as good as new. Best of all, his insurance company never had to know about this accident.
Upon arriving at Tatsumi's office, Hisoka knocked on the door. Hearing a 'come in' from within, the boy opened the door and stepped inside. The shadow master appeared to be in a better mood then earlier. Hisoka clearly felt relief and gratitude directed at Watari coming from the secretary.
Glancing up from a few files he was scanning through, Tatsumi wasn't all too surprised to see Hisoka. "Yes, Kurosaki-kun?"
"I finished the paperwork, both mine and Tsuzuki's." Calmly declared Hisoka, handing the papers to Tatsumi.
Tatsumi appeared overly pleased. "I'm glad that at least one person here takes their work seriously."
"And I am sorry about what happened to your car."
Tatsumi shook his head and offered the boy a warm smile. "It was not your fault. It was Tsuzuki-san who was at the wheel. Thankfully, Watari managed to repair it."
"That's true." Agreed the empath.
"You know, Kurosaki-kun." Suddenly began Tatsumi, "If you still wish to learn how to drive, I can teach you."
This offer surprised Hisoka, "Really?"
The brunette nodded. "Yes. Seeing as my break starts in a few seconds, we can even go now."
Tatsumi did seem like he'd make a better teacher than Tsuzuki. The man at least knew how to drive a car.
Hisoka bowed respectfully. "Thank you Tatsumi-san. I would be grateful if you could teach me."
And so, the pair left the building and headed towards the repaired vehicle. Hisoka was startled when Tatsumi suddenly handed him the keys to the car.
"It is best to learn by trying it yourself." Explained Tatsumi.
That was true, supposed Hisoka. With that thought, he unlocked the doors and both shinigami got inside. They buckled their seatbelt and Hisoka started the engine. That was when he noticed that Tatsumi's hand was tightly clutching the handbrake.
"My hand will be on the the handbrake the entire time just in case." Said Tatsumi after seeing the confused expression on Hisoka's face, "Now, pull out of the lot and go onto the road."
Hisoka nodded and did as told. For the first few minutes, it was going smoothly. That was, until, the car suddenly screeched to a halt.
Tatsumi had pulled the handbrake and was giving the younger driver a stern look, "The speed limit here is 30 mph. You were going 31."
Was he being serious!? Well, it was Tatsumi so he had to be serious but it was just a mile over! Instead of daring to argue with the man, Hisoka simply nodded, "Right. I'm sorry." And the car started to drive off again.
The car arrived at a stop sign. Hisoka stopped and was about to go when Tatsumi practically shouted his name. Warily, the blond turned to look at his instructor.
"When at a stop sign, you are to look left, then right, left again and finally, right again. Then wait five seconds before finally going."
Maybe Tatsumi wasn't as good of a teacher as Hisoka had hoped him to be. In fact, he was horrible. The 20 minute drive was filled with Tatsumi constantly saying stuff that annoyed Hisoka to the point he wanted to strangle him.
"Kurosaki! That person may cross. Stop and see if they actually do cross!" "There is a can in the road. Go around it completely!" "Don't drive in the puddle because it might ruin the engine!" "Why did you drive across when the green turned yellow! You should've come to a complete stop! Reckless driving like that is what gets teenagers into accidents!" "I'm very disappointed by how reckless of a driver you are, Kurosaki-kun. I truly expected better of you."
By the time they got back, Hisoka decided that he would never ask Tatsumi to help him drive again. However, he still needed someone to show him how to drive properly.
Hisoka stopped in his tracks and turned around only too see a grinning Watari quickly approaching him. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with the scientist at the moment. Hisoka opted to send a cold leer in Watari's direction. "I am not trying any of your potions so go away."
A cheerful laugh escaped Watari. "Oh, I'm not here to use you as a guinea pig today. I just heard you were learning how to drive and I wondered how that was going?"
"It's.. fine.." Actually, it wasn't really going at all. Teacher one didn't know how to drive and teacher two was overly anal about everything.
"That's great! Driving's a lot of fun. If ya ever need some extra practice, feel free to ask me." Offered Watari with a small wink.
Hisoka raised an eyebrow, "You know how to drive?"
The older man appeared offended by the boy's words. "Of course I know how to drive! I'm pretty damned good at it too!"
Watari was good at driving? Maybe he should ask him to teach him. Might as well since there weren't too many other people left that he could ask anyway. "Watari, could you teach me how to drive?"
Watari blinked. When he realized what Hisoka'd asked him, a mad grin broke out on his face, "Sure thing Bon! Meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes!"
And so in ten minutes, Hisoka was waiting for Watari out in the parking lot, wondering which car was Watari's since he'd never actually seen him drive before. Hearing footsteps quickly approaching, the blond turned his head only to see Watari coming towards him.
"Okay, Bon! Let's go." Energetically said Watari as he led Hisoka to an all too familiar car. Tatsumi's car to be precise.
But Hisoka had earlier heard Tatsumi declare that he would never let anyone borrow his car without him there to supervise again. Emerald eyes widened as realization struck Hisoka, "You stole Tatsumi-san's keys!"
"Now Bon." All too innocently started the older blond as he unlocked the door, "Stealing means taking something and never giving it back. I just merely borrowed his keys without his knowledge but I fully plan on returning them. Now, get in Bon." Seeing the hesitant look on Hisoka's face, Watari added, "If anything, I'll take all the blame for this. Now, hop in."
Hisoka sighed, deciding he might as well and got in on the passenger's side. As he buckled his seatbelt, Hisoka heard Watari start the engine.
Suddenly, the Porsche screeched out of the parking spot and was practically two miles down the road in two seconds!
Horror filled Hisoka's whole being as the vehicle sped down the street at a good 90 mph. "What the hell are you doing!"
"I'm driving, Bon." Simply stated Watari, turning the wheel sharply. The car was now driving down the wrong side of the street so he could over take the slower cars.
Hisoka felt his stomach jump up into his throat when they narrowly avoided colliding with a oncoming truck. Thankfully, Watari had pulled into the correct lane milliseconds before the truck struck them.
"Now, let's start from the basics, Bon." This was said as Watari weaved in between cars and still going 90. There was a symphony of car horns honking, people shouting, and collisions behind them. The crazed expression Watari wore right now could only be described as deranged, "Driving isn't just about getting from one place to another. Oh no. Think of driving as a sport like swimming, football, or even tennis. All these cars on the road are your opponents and they wanna beat you to wherever you're going meaning you gotta beat them first so you don't lose! You gotta beat and even kill them if you have to!"
That had to be the craziest logic Hisoka'd ever heard. Hope filled Hisoka's whole being upon seeing the next light change to yellow and then red, "There's a red light! You have to stop!"
"I can make it." Slamming his foot on the gas, Watari made the car zoom past the intersection at close to 110 mph.
To Hisoka's ever increasing terror, Watari turned and got on the highway. The car cut across four lanes and there was a large crash sound behind them. It was at this moment that Hisoka realized he was going to die again.
"Now, Bon, if the police ever follow you, just run away. When running away from them, it's not about going faster then them, it's about out maneuvering them!" To emphasize his point, Watari started to drive even more erratically, starting to swerve like crazy and scaring the drivers nearby half to death.
Yes, he was going die again. He knew he was going die again. Hisoka had apparently completely forgotten about the fact that he could teleport out of the car. 'Tsuzuki, you were a great partner and even though I yelled at you all the time, I still cared about you a lot. Tatsumi, you were like the father I never had! Watari, I hope you burn in hell for killing me like this you deranged psychopathic lunatic!'
Somehow, the car managed to get back to the Ministry of Hades in one piece and completely unscratched. They had gone 40 miles in about 25 minutes. Shakily, Hisoka managed to open the door and fell forward onto the pavement.
A cheerfully grinning Watari took out the keys and got out of the car. "See, I told you I was a good driver! Ehh, Bon?" The scientist blinked upon seeing that Hisoka was gone. Before he could ponder the boy's disappearance further, he heard an all too familiar voice.
A small 'eep!' noise escaped Watari. The blond sprinted off with an angry secretary in hot pursuit.
Meanwhile, Hisoka still laid on the ground. He was groaning and waiting for his stomach to finally catch up with him. It was still probably where that truck almost plowed into them or maybe where Watari tried and managed to out run a speeding train. After a few minutes, he felt strong enough to stand and headed back towards the building. Still feeling a bit woozy from his near death experience, Hisoka wasn't paying attention to where he was going and ran into Wakaba.
"Aa! Hisoka-kun! Are you alright? You look ill?" Wakaba said once she noticed that the boy looked rather green.
Hisoka nodded. "Yeah. Watari just took me driving."
A bright smile crossed the priestess's face. "Oh yes! I heard from Tsuzuki that you were learning! Would you like for me to supervise your driving for a bit?"
Disbelief was on Hisoka's face as he took this in this new information. Wakaba, the sweetest, gentlest girl in existence, knew how to drive? Thanking whatever God/Deity had finally decided to be nice to him, Hisoka nodded, "If you could, I'd appreciate it."
"Of course. I'm sure that Hajime-chan can handle everything for a few minutes." Wakaba led Hisoka to her bright red Honda and handed him her keys.
For the forth time that day, Hisoka had gotten in some type of a car. He started it and drove off. This time it was perfect. Wakaba was just smiling next to him, complimenting him on his good driving.
It really was perfect. Until the guy behind Hisoka suddenly honked at him.
Wakaba turned to smile sweetly at Hisoka, "Excuse me for a moment, Hisoka-kun." With those words, the sweet girl rolled down the window and stuck her head out it before shouting. "Who the fuck do you think you are, you donkey-raping motherfucker! Do you want me to shove a goddamned crowbar up your fucking flaccid asshole, you little bitch!?"
Hisoka nearly slammed on the brakes. Had those words just come out of Wakaba's mouth? No. They couldn't have. Perhaps he was hallucinating.
The guy in the other car apparently heard her and shouted something back to which she replied. "Fuck you! I bet when your fucking mother saw your goddamned ugly face for the first time, she killed herself!"
Okay, it wasn't a hallucination. Wakaba was really saying that and it was the most frightening thing he'd ever heard. Honestly, he'd prefer to be alone with Muraki than be in the same car as Wakaba right now.
"Oh yeah bitch?" Shrieked Wakaba before she pulled herself back inside and reached in the back, pulling out a crowbar. After sticking part of herself out the window, she chucked the crowbar at the guy's car. "And next time I fucking see you honking at my car, I'll rip off your nuts!"
There was the sound of glass shattering and a loud crash behind them.
The window was rolled up and Wakaba smiled brightly at the scared driver next to her, "You're very good at driving."
"T-Th-Thanks." Stuttered Hisoka who was never going to think of Wakaba in the same way again.
Wakaba's eyes suddenly widened, "Oh! Hisoka-kun, do you think you could turn back? I just realized that I still have something I need to do! I'm sure Hajime-chan would love to continue with your driving though."
Great. What was Terazuma going to be? A narcoleptic driver? An alcohol-drinking driver? A masturbating driver? Hisoka had realized anything was possible with these people. A few minutes later, the car came arrived back at the parking lot and Wakaba ran to get her partner to help out Hisoka.
Begrudgingly, Terazuma came out of the building and headed towards Wakaba's car. After putting out his cigarette, he got inside and sat down. "So you're learning how to drive?"
An exhausted Hisoka simply nodded. He justed couldn't take much more of this.
"Tsk. I'm guessing everyone else was too busy to take you?"
"Everyone else goes crazy when they drive." Calmly stated Hisoka, elaborating when he saw Terazuma raise an eyebrow at him. "Tsuzuki can't drive at all, Tatsumi is way too careful and pulls the handbrake when I go a mile over the speed limit, Watari wants to kill everyone else on the road, and Wakaba swears when people honk at her."
"Yeah, Kannuki does go crazy when she drives." Muttered Terazuma, almost shuddering as he recalled that one time she had driven him to work. It was a horrifying experience. "Let's get this over with then. First, adjust your mirrors."
Hisoka did as told.
"Next, put the car in reverse, look over your shoulder, and pull out. Good. Now, set it to drive and make a left when you leave the lot." Ordered Terazuma.
It was surprising to Hisoka that Terazuma turned out to be a great driving instructor. The older shinigami wasn't crazy or anything. He was really good and greatly improved Hisoka's driving abilities. They drove for a good hour before finally coming back. Hisoka asked Terazuma if he could continue helping him with his driving and Terazuma actually agreed. So, in the end, Hisoka did finally learn to drive.
Hisoka finally learned how to drive after being almost killed twice and scarred for his afterlife. So, I hope you all enjoyed this little piece of humor. Reviews are welcomed and loved!