I was chortling the whole time I wrote this oneshot. Trouble was, I was sitting alone in public and I think people were staring at me. The HarryDraco version of the Emperor's New Clothes.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter.
The Emperor and His Clothes
One fine morning, Draco Malfoy walked into the Great Hall completely naked.
Harry, who had been idly poking at his breakfast, dropped his fork in shock. It bounced off his plate and clattered to the floor. Disbelieving, he removed his glasses, carefully wiped them on his robes and put them on again. Malfoy, who was sauntering to the Slytherin table as though it were any other morning, really wasn't wearing a single scrap of clothing.
Harry's jaw dropped open but involuntarily - even at the distance that the Gryffindor table was from that of the Slytherin's, he found himself staring. Malfoy had an amazingly toned, slim body. He'd let his hair grow out until it just almost brushed his shoulders. His arms and chest were well-muscled yet not overly so. Harry found his eyes roaming to the blond's trim waist before catching himself and blushing.
"Malfoy's not wearing anything," he croaked out to no one in particular.
And it seemed no one in particular was also paying attention to him. He turned to Ron, sitting on his right, who seemed deeply involved in inhaling his breakfast.
"Malfoy's not wearing anything!" he repeated to Ron wide-eyed.
Ron looked up from his plate, looked at Malfoy across the Great Hall and frowned at Harry. "What are you on about, mate?"
"Can't you see? Just look at him! Hermione," Harry turned this time to his other best friend. "Malfoy isn't wearing any clothes, right?"
Hermione sighed, marked the page of the book she was reading and compliantly turned to Malfoy. She had a quizzical look in her eyes as she turned back to Harry. "Are you feeling okay, Harry? Malfoy's wearing his robes, like he always does."
"No, he's not!" Harry's voice was rising now. Was something wrong with his best friends? Couldn't they see?
The boy sitting across the three of them carefully pocketed Trevor. "Yes, Harry?"
"Neville, look at Malfoy and tell me what you see," Harry said firmly.
Neville obeyed, staring at Malfoy for a long while. When he turned back, his face was as confused as Hermione's. "Erm, Malfoy hasn't tied his tie properly?"
"Merlin no!" Harry was starting to feel really frustrated now. What on earth was going on? "Malfoy's naked! He's naked! Can't you see it too?!"
"What's this about Malfoy being naked?" Ginny asked as she sat down beside a poor, slightly terrified Neville.
"Harry thinks Malfoy is naked," Ron said slowly.
Ginny turned to look at Malfoy too. When she looked back at Harry she merely sighed and said, "Maybe you were hit too hard by that Bludger yesterday during practice, Harry. Are you sure you don't need to see Madam Pomfrey?"
"NO! I don't need to see Madam Pomfrey, I need to – " Harry cut himself off as a thought occurred to him. He stood up, walked closer to the Slytherin table and took his glasses off.
Malfoy was still naked, sitting between Parkinson and Goyle and eating his breakfast. Harry rammed his glasses back on and practically ran back to the Gryffindor table.
"Malfoy's naked! I'm sure of it!" he almost screamed. Dean and Seamus turned to stare at him and then at each other.
"Malfoy's still fully-clothed, Harry," was Dean's measured reply. Seamus nodded in agreement, still staring at Harry.
"What's wrong with all of you?! He's not! He's – " Harry caught sight of the supposedly naked Malfoy leaving the Great Hall, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle who were thankfully clothed.
"Come on, come with me," Harry pulled Ron and a protesting Hermione up from the table.
His best friends had to run to keep up with him as Harry rushed across the Great Hall and went outside. Luckily, the Slytherin trio wasn't walking very fast and they were still in the hallway.
"Oy, wait up!" Harry called. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle stopped at his voice and turned to glare at him, Ron and Hermione.
"There," he gestured to Malfoy. "Ron, Hermione. Can you see it now? Malfoy's naked."
Ron and Hermione just stared at Malfoy and when they looked at Harry, he swore they were thinking that he was a little loose in the head.
"Erm, Harry," Hermione began but she was interrupted by another voice.
"Is there something going on here?"
Harry nearly sighed with relief at that strict tone. Professor McGonagall was standing just behind them, her expression indicating that there had better not be anything going on. Maybe Ron and Hermione didn't see Malfoy's nakedness, but surely McGonagall who was a teacher would be able to.
"No, Professor. We were just making our way back to the dorms when Potter and his cronies told us to stop," Malfoy was smirking.
"Mr. Potter – "
"Professor, Malfoy's naked!" Harry blurted out.
To Harry's horror, McGonagall's face had mirrored that of Hermione's and Ginny's earlier. "I beg your pardon Mr. Potter?"
"Malfoy's naked! No clothes on! Look at him!"
McGonagall did indeed look at Malfoy and her brows were furrowed as she looked back at Harry. "I – don't understand. Mr. Malfoy seems to have all his clothes on."
"Harry's just been feeling weird since this morning, Professor," Hermione smoothly cut in.
"Yeah," Ron chimed in, having caught on. "We're just taking him to see Madam Pomfrey."
"What? I'm not feeling weird! Just – " Hermione kicked him in the shin and Harry ground his teeth to keep from crying out in pain.
"We'll be going now, Professor," Hermione said as Ron dragged Harry away. McGonagall, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were left staring after them.
At first Harry thought it was merely a Gryffindor thing, so by the time Herbology came up, he sidled up next to Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones who were both giggling. As he set the Clobberby Shrub he was pruning beside theirs, they both turned to look at him.
"Er, hi," Harry began awkwardly.
They both grinned. "Hi, Harry," they chorused.
Harry wondered how to begin. Best be blunt about it. "Did you two see Malfoy in the Great Hall this morning?"
"Now that you mention it, he was looking pretty handsome wasn't he?" Hannah Abbott smiled.
"Hannah! He's in Slytherin," was Susan's scandalized whisper.
"Oh, who cares? With a body like that..."
Body like that? Harry pounced. "So you saw him naked too!"
It was like he had said that Quidditch was the worst sport in the world. The two girls stared at him as though he'd sprouted an extra head. "Erm, no we didn't Harry..."
Hannah blinked. "But you've seen Malfoy naked...?"
Harry tried not to groan.
The next people Harry tried to ask were a group of giggling girls. He was walking up to them when he realized with horror who they were. But by then it was too late to turn back, they had already spotted him. As Romilda Vane and her horde of girlfriends approached Harry at the corridor, he saw Malfoy striding past them.
Might as well get on with it then. "Does Malfoy look naked to you?"
The girls looked at each other, confused. Then Romilda slid up to him in what she thought was a seductive manner and what Harry thought was just plain creepy and whispered, "Do I look naked to you, Harry?"
As red as Ron's hair, Harry stammered out an excuse and ran away from them as fast as he could.
By lunch time, a nearly crazy Harry was pulling Hagrid to one of the windows that looked into the Great Hall. Harry pointed Malfoy's incredibly bare back to Hagrid and he asked the half-giant what he was seeing.
"Er, is that Malfoy, Harry? Ain't nobody that's got hair that blonde," Hagrid was muttering.
Harry despaired. "Doesn't he look, well, naked to you, Hagrid?"
Hagrid blinked. Then laid a big arm on Harry's shoulder. "You all right there, Harry? Mebbe you been studyin' too much. You should get a whiff o' fresh air ever' once in a while..."
Harry tuned out the rest of what Hagrid was saying.
The last subject of the day was Double Potions and Harry was sure that the Slytherins and more importantly Snape would realize Malfoy's painfully obvious state of undress. When he walked into the classroom, with Ron and Hermione shooting intermittent worried glances at him, Malfoy was already there, sprawled on his seat and conversing with Nott.
Harry tried not to blush or to look at the part of Draco's that was situated... lower to his waist.
When Snape swept into the room, Harry felt certain he was about to be vindicated. But the Potions Professor took one look at his class, waved the wand and ingredients appeared on the board. Then he began calling out the assigned partners.
Harry's heart plummeted. Snape?! Snape was supposed to have noticed! What was wrong with everyone?!
"Harry? Harry!" Hermione had poked him hard.
"W-what?" he asked, shaken from his thoughts.
"You're paired up with Malfoy," Hermione informed him before picking up her things and heading over to Parvati Patil, who was her partner.
Harry felt like banging his head on the desk. Of course. Since the start of term, Snape had seemed to have the malicious intent of always pairing up Harry and Malfoy during Potions. Malfoy was already waiting – and still smirking – by the cauldron when Harry dragged himself over.
"Hurry up, Potter. This potion's time-sensitive and I want to make sure we finish it."
Harry didn't bother to reply. In fact, the whole time he and Malfoy were making the Potion, the only sounds he made were grunts and hmm's. He also had his eyes averted, trying hard not to look at Malfoy. Trying. Unfortunately, he found his eyes straying to the blond every now and then.
Malfoy's muscles looked even better up close. Then there was the delicate curve as his jaw blended into his neck and the way his hair seemed to tickle at his shoulder blades. The miniature motion of his chest as he breathed.
Harry shut his eyes. He just had to pick the perfect time to go hormonal. And to Malfoy of all people. A very naked Draco Malfoy just a touch away. Harry tried his best to keep his distance from the Slytherin but Malfoy, it seemed, had other ideas.
Every now and then his hand would brush Harry's. Or his arm would knock into Harry's arm. Or his leg would ever so slightly touch Harry's trousers. The little touches were all slowly driving the Boy Who Lived insane.
When Malfoy turned suddenly so that Harry's hand was a centimeter away from touching Malfoy's very naked (and firm) butt, Harry decided he'd had enough.
"Will you stop that, Malfoy?" he screeched.
The classroom went silent and Snape turned hawk eyes on to him. "Something you would like to tell the class, Mr. Potter?"
Harry snapped. "Yes. YES! Malfoy is standing naked here beside me and all of you are acting like you can't see it or like it's the most normal thing in the world! What in Merlin's name is wrong with you?! Why don't all of you open your bloody eyes!"
The silence was deafening.
Snape's voice was silky and threatening as he stalked over to Harry, "Sixty points from Gryffindor for having insane hallucinations in my class, Potter!"
After the disaster that was Potions, Harry was determinedly making his way up the winding staircase that led to the one person who he knew would not be fooled. He knocked on the door and Professor Dumbledore's rumbling voice told him to enter.
Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk, stroking Fawkes. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about, Harry my boy?"
Harry nodded and took the seat Dumbledore motioned him into. "Professor. Er."
"I take it from your teacher's you've been feeling strange all day?"
Harry took heart from this. "It's not me, Professor! Malfoy's walking around the castle naked and everyone's acting like he still has clothes on. It doesn't make any sense! I know I'm not seeing things so..." Harry took a deep breath and looked hopefully up at Dumbledore. "You see him naked too, don't you?"
Dumbledore shook his head and smiled gently. Harry felt like he was being treated like a child. "I don't Harry, I'm quite sorry. Perhaps you should go up to the infirmary?"
"I'm not seeing things," Harry stubbornly maintained. "I asked Hermione and she said that there was no jinx or hex that could have done this so the only thing that makes sense is that Malfoy really is naked."
Harry swore he saw an amused glint in Dumbledore's eyes. "Perhaps you should lie down and sleep this off, my boy."
Ten minutes later and Harry realized Dumbledore wasn't going to be any help at all. He stiffly said his goodbye. As he walked out of the headmaster's office, though, he could have sworn Dumbledore was fighting not to burst out laughing.
As Harry stood at the corridor in front of the gargoyle's statue, he contemplated what to do now. He had only two options left really. One was to take the headmaster's advice and admit himself in to Madam Pomfrey.
The other one was...
Harry carefully closed the portrait of the Fat Lady who squawked when she saw him. As he made his way past the hallways, he didn't come across any student. All of them were in the Great Hall having dinner. And that was where Harry was headed too.
In his current state, he tried very hard not to blush. Although he delayed his footsteps, he was in front of the double doors to the Great Hall sooner than he liked. He reminded himself that he needed to do this to prove his sanity.
Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath, Harry Potter strode inside the Great Hall completely naked.
The first people to notice were the Hufflepuffs as they sat closest to the doors and weren't immersed in books like the Ravenclaws. Ernie Macmillan looked up, saw Harry and promptly dropped his goblet of pumpkin juice.
The news – and the sight – spread like wildfire. In a few minutes, everyone in the Great Hall was staring at him and everything was completely silent.
Harry stopped walking. They were staring at him. Which meant that, unlike Malfoy, they were actually seeing him. He froze where he stood.
Almost immediately, pandemonium ensued.
Students were screaming and pointing. Harry swore he saw Romilda Vane swooning. The teachers were hard pressed to try to look away and calm the students. Dumbledore was chuckling. There was a flash of light and to Harry's horror, Colin Creevey was taking pictures.
Part of him felt like running out the doors. But he was a Gryffindor. Blushing like mad, he practically ran to the Gryffindor table where Dean and Seamus were laughing and congratulating him for being so courageous, Hermione and Ginny were red and determinedly looking the other direction and Ron was screeching, "Put a pair of boxers on Harry!"
"What's going on here?!" he was frustrated and admittedly close to tears.
Probably taking pity on him, Hermione – still not looking – grabbed one of his hands and grabbed one of Ron's hands and dragged them both out of the Great Hall.
Harry gaped as Hermione handed him a pair of boxers.
"What?" she said still staring at the floor. "I left my wand in the Great Hall and this is as far as my wandless magic will go."
Muttering his thanks, Harry pulled on the boxers and then crossed his arms over his chest. "Now will you two tell me what's going on? Why is it that Malfoy was naked and nobody could see him but when I'm naked everyone sees me?!"
Ron looked like he was on the verge of choking with laughter. When he finally looked at Harry, his expression was something between being horrified and laughing his guts out. His lips kept twitching and Harry scowled.
Hermione was no better, blushing as she looked at him. "Er, Harry. I think perhaps the person you should talk to about this is Malfoy."
Something in Hermione's expression told Harry that she knew something. Somehow, everything just seemed to circle around Draco Malfoy.
Things weren't very much better at the Slytherin table. Draco tried to banish the thought of Potter's tanned, perfect physique from his mind but was having little success doing so otherwise. The Slytherins were in an uproar over what had happened. Zabini was yelling out, over his laughter, that he wanted to buy those pictures of Potter from Creevey.
Draco looked up and Pansy was smirking across from him. "Not bad, Dray," she complimented. "I didn't realize that Potter would do that in retaliation to your little scheme."
Draco groaned and lowered his head, trying not to imagine the way Potter's limbs had moved, so fluidly as he made his way across the Great Hall. That red blush that had spread across the expanse of Potter's chest and lower down to... Draco clenched his fists and tried unsuccessfully to keep from thinking about that part of Potter.
Suddenly, the murmurings got louder again and Zabini's gleeful, "Potter's back!" brought Draco crashing down to earth.
Potter was indeed back, this time with broomstick-patterned boxers on, a murderous expression on his face and green eyes trailed directly at Draco.
Stopping stiffly at the Slytherin table Potter spoke through gritted teeth, "We apparently need to talk Malfoy."
Harry didn't really know where he was going, only that the room in question needed to be as far away from the Great Hall as possible. Malfoy was, surprisingly, following behind him without speaking a word of complaint. It was not until many turns and staircases later that Harry realized they were headed to the general direction of the dungeons.
He reached out, wrenched open the door to the first classroom they came upon, all but shoved Malfoy inside and walked in after him. Harry blinked as he realized this was the classroom where they'd had Double Potions earlier. Talk about irony.
Malfoy was sitting on top of Snape's desk and Harry was incredibly grateful that the light in the classroom was so dim. On the other hand, the dimness of the light only served to make Malfoy's skin look like it glowed. No. He reigned in his thoughts as they started to veer in other directions.
Harry heard Malfoy sigh. "Whatever it is, could you hurry it up Potter? You must have noticed how cold it is down here, especially with nothing on."
"All right. I just wanted to – wait a minute." What Malfoy said suddenly registered to Harry. "What do you mean 'especially with nothing on'? Malfoy. You know you're naked?"
Malfoy stared condescendingly at Harry. "Of course I do Potter. This is my body after all."
Harry opened and closed his jaw like a fish. "But – everyone else. No one could see! Did you use a spell or something? Why could I see you?"
Malfoy hung his head a little and Harry had to strain to catch the muttered words. "They could all see me, Potter."
"I don't understand," Harry flatly stated, stepping closer to where Malfoy was.
Malfoy took a deep breath. "I mean to say that everyone knew I was naked. But they were all just acting like I wasn't."
"Why would they do that?" Harry was even more confused now.
"Because I paid them."
"Say bloody what?" Harry couldn't keep himself from shouting. "You paid them?"
Malfoy let out a long-suffering sigh, "Yes, Potter. A hundred pounds each for the whole student body. As for the teachers, I just asked Dumbledore to intercede on my behalf. He seemed more than pleased to do it."
Harry gaped. A hundred pounds was a lot of money. Multiply that with the total number of Hogwarts students...
"So. You paid everyone money so they could pretend you had clothes on when in reality you didn't so that... what? You could watch me make a prat of myself in front of everyone?" Harry was getting angry now. "And how the hell did you get Ron or Hermione or any of the other Gryffindors to agree?"
"You idiot!" Malfoy had jumped off the desk and was face to face with Harry now. His expression mirrored Harry's own: anger. "You stupid, oblivious idiot! I didn't do it because of that! I did it because I wanted you to notice me!"
Harry was shocked into silence. "Notice you?" he said after a while. "Oh, Malfoy believe me, I notice you all right. How could I not with you – "
"Not like that!" Malfoy hissed. "I wanted you to notice me like Weasley notices Granger. If you still need me to spell it out for you Potter, I like you. I've liked you for the longest, bloody time and no matter what I do you never seem to notice!"
Harry blinked. Did... Malfoy just say he liked him? Him? Harry? Harry pinched himself. It hurt, so this was no dream. Malfoy, still deliciously naked was standing in front of him. Harry took a moment to wrench his mind (once again) away from Malfoy's nakedness.
"What d'you mean 'no matter what you do'?" Harry repeated slowly. The fact that Malfoy liked him was taking some time to sink in. "What have you done?"
"What about the flowers I sent you in the start of term feast?" Draco shot at him.
"Erm," Harry tried to remember. Ah. Those. "I'm allergic to tulips, Malfoy. I thought it was your idea of a prank or something."
"And the chocolates at the Halloween Ball?"
"Those were from you? I thought they were from Romilda Vane or something... Hermione told me to watch out for anything that they might spike with love potions," Harry mumbled.
"The letter that I sent you in December?" Malfoy's voice was getting dangerously low.
"That really expensive looking one? Hermione accidentally threw it into the fire along with the rest of Lavender Brown's homework," Harry's tone was becoming more sheepish now.
"And when I tried to ask you out on a date after Transfiguration and you punched me?"
"Ron's Deafening Charm hit me. I was half-deaf the whole week. I thought you were saying you hated me or something like that..."
"Exactly my point, Potter! I needed to do something that would finally get it through that numbskull brain of yours that I am a god worthy of your attention!"
Harry looked anywhere but at Malfoy. Right now, Malfoy had a little too much of his attention. "Why did you have to bribe all the students then? Couldn't you have just walked in naked all the same without having to have them act like you weren't?"
Malfoy sniffed. "Not the same effect. I wanted only you to react," then he smirked devilishly. "Although I must say, Potter, stripping yourself of your clothes wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting. Not that I'm complaining, though."
Harry felt himself blushing again at that last comment. There was a long, uncomfortable silence.
"So. You like me."
"I thought we had already established that."
"And you walked naked into the Great Hall because you wanted to ask me out."
"In a nutshell, Harry, yes."
Harry took a deep breath. And noticed that Malfoy was entirely too close for his own good. Their chests were almost flush against one another's and there was barely any breathing space with Malfoy's face so close to his own. One of the blond boy's hands softly caressed his cheek, skimmed down his neck and the fingers started stroking his bare arm. Harry let out a small mewl of pleasure, breath quickening. He could almost see Malfoy's smirk as the other boy stepped ever closer.
"Wh-what are you doing?"
The hands were tracing the outline of his shoulders now. "You know you have very nice shoulders, Harry..."
"Yes, you do."
And then Malfoy's (Draco's) mouth finally, finally met his and Harry was too feverishly thankful Malfoy was naked and all that skin was pressing against his. There were hands and caresses everywhere and he was suddenly pushed against the table. Slightly dizzy, Harry thought that he really needed to pay Malfoy back for parading naked in front of him all day. But not here. Not in this classroom. Not with – Oh, Merlin. Was that Draco's tongue?
On his way to his office that night, Snape was thankful he was finally out of the Great Hall. The chaos caused by the appearance of a naked Harry Potter had been almost unbearable. Potter did have some nerve. As he was passing by, Severus noticed the door to one of the classrooms was slightly open.
Snape scowled. He walked over to close it and incidentally heard voices inside. Then a moan. Thinking someone was hurt, Severus Snape yanked the door open but the words he was going to say died on his lips.
Potter. Malfoy. His desk. All sorts of naked.
Snape screamed bloody murder.
That would have been the end of that. Draco Malfoy wouldn't tolerate people talking about his naked physique and even less of his new boyfriend's. Curses and hexes would follow anyone who did.
Except that exactly one week after the incident, the Daily Prophet arrived causing Hermione to choke on her oatmeal when she saw it after which she promptly shoved it under Harry's nose.
The front page headline read, Hogwarts: Ordinary School or Nudist Academy? by Rita Skeeter. And underneath it, covering the whole lower half of the front page were colored, full-body shots of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in all their glorious nudity.
Harry was hard-pressed to ignore the less than innocent things his photo was doing to Draco.
this was fun to write. Please read and review.