Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts

Pairings: Sora(Roxas)xAxel, SoraxKairi

A/N: Sora's POV. After the trio returned to Destiny Islands…


I always felt it there.

It only got worse.

I thought that time would heal it, but it didn't. It didn't go away.

I tried ignoring it at one point, but that did absolutely nothing.

I tried thinking about it, but that did nothing, either.

I tried searching deep within myself for it, deep within that neglected darkness, but I received no answer. Nobody would tell me anything.

That only meant that I didn't want to know.

But what is it that I don't want to know?

Aqua. I remembered it, over and over again, a bright aqua. A smothering, entrancing aqua killing itself and feeding itself, over and over again, a green snake and a blue snake, interwoven so intricately that it doesn't seem feasible.

Who am I waiting for?

Nobody would tell me anything. But I always felt it there. It was a parasite eating my insides, something heavy weighing down my chest.

I was afraid to go near the water. I didn't want to drown. I wasn't afraid of the water – I was afraid of losing the fire. I wasn't afraid of drowning – I was afraid of missing it. I was afraid of missing that thing, that thing that I knew was coming.

I was only hoping. It was wishful thinking. When I realized that, I could barely move.

I focused on the red. The red was a spinning fire, rings of orange and yellow dancing together intimately. It was a memory of some house burning down, some sunset hanging over the place where the water touches the sky. All I ever dreamed of were swirling, complicated colors.

When I looked at fire, all I could see were half-formed smiles, empty laughs, and hands. The colors came after. Always after. After I kissed Kairi, after I let go of her hand, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I would sneak home. I would sneak into my room.

I couldn't look at the mirror anymore. I was scared. It was as though someone would see me. It was as though I was ashamed. Ashamed of Kairi, of the fear, of the dreaming…

Later, when I looked down at the child, I felt like I had betrayed something. Every time I looked at my child I knew I had done something wrong, that I had let someone down. My love went to Kairi. Everything else went to the colors, to the empty laughs, the half-formed smiles, and the hands. My smiles didn't mean anything anymore. My laughter was something far away. My child was the embodiment of my betrayal.

I was doing something wrong, but nobody would tell me anything.

Then the colors were joined by heart-shaped lights and masks and screams and whispers. The ocean became a sea of fire; I could no longer see water. When I looked down at my child, I saw furious aqua eyes. When I looked at Kairi, I saw brilliantly dancing flames. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a black hole.

There was something missing. There was something gone. There was something wrong.

When I kissed Kairi, I wasn't kissing her. I was kissing someone else.

When I told Kairi I loved her, I wasn't lying but I wasn't telling the truth; when I told Kairi I loved her, I was loving someone else.

I was afraid to open the door. I was afraid that behind it was a myriad of angels and demons, a cluster of aqua and fire and gold and half-formed smiles and empty laughter and hands and screaming. I never wanted to let go of Kairi's hand, but I did because I couldn't let the mirror see.

I looked at the ocean and saw red. I looked at my child and saw aqua. I looked at my wife and saw someone else. I kept all the windows open even in the worst of summers because something was coming. Something was coming and I wasn't about to shut it out.

I was only hoping.

When my child looked at me, he saw his father. When Kairi looked at me, she saw her husband. When the waves curled over the ocean again and again, they weren't rolls of fire. My reflection showed me a man with a family. I closed all the windows.

I didn't want to kiss Kairi but I did because I loved her.

I didn't want to live anymore but I did because I had a family.

I didn't want to close the door but I did.

I didn't want to close the door because I was waiting for fire, aqua, half-formed smiles, empty laughter, screams, and hands clutching each other because there was nothing else to hold onto.

I always felt it there.

It only got worse.

I thought that time would heal it, but it didn't. It didn't go away.

I tried ignoring it at one point, but that did absolutely nothing.

I tried thinking about it, but that did nothing, either.

I tried searching deep within myself for it, but nobody would tell me anything.

I closed the door because I was waiting for someone who wasn't coming back.

Who am I waiting for?