Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Summary: It was wrong. I knew it, he knew it. But I can't stop. James, get ready to hate me. It was that summer, the summer of your son's fourteenth birthday that I realized I had fallen in love with him.


_Journal Entry One _


Journal Entry 1

August 3, 1995

It was wrong. I knew it, he knew it. But I can't stop. My body refuses, though my mind tries to overcome. And it was no use, no use.

Thirteen years old, and his eyes, his eyes. They were twin emeralds, dulled and beautiful, endless and ageless. The pain, the sorrow, those eyes.

It might have been that day, almost one year ago, when it all started. I was happy and sad and angry and confused and – and those…his eyes! I hate you and I hate me and I hate him. But I don't and I can't and I don't want to.

He saved me. And he told me that I saved him. But I didn't and he wouldn't understand. How could I have saved him if I couldn't even save myself?

And I left, and he raged and I was furious. On the run, a fugitive, a criminal, and innocent of the crime. And I knew it and he knew it and I knew he knew and I loved him all the more for it. And I knew I shouldn't have, not in that way.

He was your first born, and you named me the godfather. Just like how we used to joke about. And you were happy and she was happy and I…and I wasn't. I was lost and lonely and everyone was leaving me.

And then you both were killed. And I was blamed. And I was more alone and lost and lonely and scared then I had been. We used to joke about fear. We were stupid and young and foolish. But I was really and truly frightened! They thought I had killed you! You! The man who treated me like a brother, who accepted me despite my family, who gave me a godson. My best friend.

So I went to prison. And I survived thirteen years of pain and agony. I was forced day after day after day to relive my conviction, to relive my familial horrors, to relive the sadness and anger when my brother, my Slytherin, cunning, Death Eater brother died.

But I escaped. And I had never been happier since before you got married. So I was free but not, and I could see my godson but he couldn't see me. And I was sad again.

But I saw him and he saw me. Of course, at first he believed that I had betrayed you but he figured it out and Remus figured it out and I wasn't alone anymore.

So Peter escaped. And I was furious! I couldn't give my godson a home. We wouldn't be the family I knew—know—we both wanted—want. So I hid. Held captive once again in the house of my family. The same house I thought I'd never see after I ran away when I was sixteen.

And then your son came in midsummer. And it was better and I was happier and the house didn't feel like a prison as much as it had.

And – and – and. No, I can't but I need to and I don't want to. And – and – and. James, get ready to hate me.

It was that summer, the summer of your son's fourteenth birthday that I realized I had fallen in love with him.


© 2008 Inyx Dawn