Breaking Down: A Parody of a Parody (Or so we wish)
A/N: Alright, if you haven't read Breaking DAWN yet, this has major spoilers and neither my co-writer, Hermione W. Cullen, nor I encourage reading this until you've finished that. Enjoy!
Another A/N: So, you all know that Stephenie Meyer wrote a 754-page novel entitled Breaking Dawn. But what you didn't know is that she also sent her publishers a parody of the aforementioned, which was entitled "Breaking Down" and detailed all the possible things she could do to make fans angry. Unfortunately, the parody was accidentally published under the name of the real thing; it is a usurper so hideous it deserves to be overthrown in the most demeaning of ways: through satire. Hence, our story.
I. The Booke of Bella
You are my sweetest love
That love I always want to hug
Because I really love you
The world just has to know.
--Schnuffel Bunny, "Snuggle Song."
I'd almost died in every book so far. Sometimes twice. But this was somehow different.
It seemed 'oddly' inevitable, facing painful, gruesome death again. Like fandom would get thier wish and I actually would die one of these times. I'd escaped death time and time again, but now my author had finally pooped out.
However, she did make this time different from the others.
This time, it was something I loved that killed me. I don't know why, but my author believes that my self-righteous self-martyrdom is somehow a new plot. I could have gotten out of this.
But I loved the little nudger popping blood vessels in my eyes.
So I was driving along in my uber-expensive Mercedes Guardian that Edward tricked me into after murdering my beloved beast of a truck, on my way home from a mission to find some healthy and nutritious platypus blood for my One True Lover (and vampire) Edward Cullen. Some creepy tourist guys stopped me to take a picture, but that's another story. I spaced out for about four hours thinking about when we told Charlie that we were lahvers and we wanted to get married in the hautaub.
The weather in Forks was very unusual that day; it was raining buckets. I was sitting on the couch next to my One True Lover, feeling uncomfortable in spite of the large sparkly diamond on my finger. Charlie walked in the door, and Edward stood up to confront him.
"Wait until he puts away his TV-ordered Buffy the Vampire Slayer patented ninja star!"
Edward's eyes darted toward the oddly shaped Adamantium object and back to me.
"You ain't frontin', yo. That is one tricked out star...thing," he finished lamely.
"Did I mention that I lost a bet to Emmett? He actually expects me to KNOW how to speak rapper. I never imagined it would be this difficult."
"What was the bet?"
Edward looked extremely nervous. "Yo, Char-dawg!" he called to my father, "How's it kickin', G? Keepin' it real?" I bit my lip to avoid laughing as Edward attempted to do the Official Drug Dealers' Handshake of 2006 with Charlie...without touching him. However, it would have been better if I'd just laughed; I ended up biting my lip so hard that I broke a lip-artery and blood filled my mouth. Edward stiffened and looked at me with his mouth hanging wide open. He whispered something, but I couldn't be sure if it was "blood" or Bella" but it came out something like "Beloodellad." Then Charlie looked at him, I looked at Charlie, and Edward kept staring at me... Was he drooling?
I didn't get to find out, because my brain chose that moment to register the scent of blood, and I promptly fell into a dead faint.
I smiled as I remembered sitting on my bed as Edward described to me the scene that had taken place. He had told Charlie about our engagement while I was blacked out...
"Wow. What's with her?" Charlie asked from behind the mask of his standard police chief ninja uniform.
"Well, I love her and she loves me, so we're gonna get married, 'kay?"
Charlie blinked a few times before turning into the giant airhead thing and exploding. Bella woke up at that moment.
"Whabuhuh?" she asked. I smacked her in the head, deciding a concussion was probably better for her health than knowing that her ninja father had just exploded into a giant fruit flavored candy.
As Bella fell into an even deader faint, I fell to my knees.
"What have I done?" I mumbled to myself. "I've given Bella another concussion! This can't be good for her health! Oh, I'm such a terrible person! I'm a monster! Angst, ANGST, ANGST!"
As I was kneeling there, hating myself, the Airhead that was Charlie sat up.
"So why are you getting married? Oh that's right... OMFG YOU MANWHORE! MY DAUGHTER'S EGGO IS PREGGO! I MIGHT AS WELL CALL HER FERTILE MYRTLE NOW BECAUSE I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU! THAT IS ONE DOODLE THAT CAN'T BE UNDID HOMESKILLET!!'"
I grimaced as Charlie turned my Rapper-talk against me.
"Trust me, Charlie," I said, "Bella is not pregnant. That would be highly unlikely; I'd even go so far as to say it's impossible at this time." Charlie sighed in relief, taking this to mean that we hadn't had sex--which was true, if only by my doing. Unfortunately, the impossibility of Bella getting pregnant was also my doing. If only I had died when I should have...
Of course Carlisle had mentioned something about the awesome power of our love causing Bella to have a half-vampire baby that she would proceed to name after both our mothers with some twisted combination of the two if we believed in our love enough. Yeah. Riiiight. There was no "Renesmee" or whatever in our future.
I returned to the task at hand. "Well, Charlie," I asked the sugary, fat-free piece of candy in front of me, "do we have your blessing?"
"Fine," the Airhead grumbled, "but you have to tell Renee. That way, if the shock turns her into a ham sandwich, it's your fault."
END OTHER FLASHBACK
Despite my fears, Renee had not turned into a delicious snack. In fact, she seemed almost pleased with the match. She did, however want to plan the wedding which did not blow over well with Alice, so they had a miniature cage match that ended with Emmett kidnapping Renee , running to the end zone, and scoring a touchdown using her as the ball. That's what we get for putting the Wedding Planner Cage Match in the middle of the vampire Superbowl field. Oh well.
So. Alice had officially won the role of wedding planner. Which was why, when I got home, she was waiting for me, just doing the finishing touches on Charlie's Special Occasion Ninja Officer Suit. I had to say, he made me want to say "Wax on, wax off" when I saw him. That was until Alice brought out my wedding dress: The long white dress with so many ruffles and buttons and zippers and ruffles and lace and ruffles that I still could not walk in. Alice had assured me that Jasper was working on a rig that would just lift my feet off the ground and carry me down the aisle. Directly before that she had asked if I disliked Julie Andrews' Mary Poppins Umbrella in any way shape or form. True to my usual imperceptiveness, I answered "no."
Without quoting a single 80s movie, I complimented Charlie on his Special Occasion Ninja Officer suit. Then Alice whisked me away to my room for a fitting of my...dress-like thing. I had moaned and groaned as she dragged me up the stairs. She told me to go to my happy place and I immediately thought of a McDonald's Happy Meal. My happy place was at Mickie D's. With Edward. Eating a heart attack on a bun. And then going home. And then kissing and then making out and then we'd find a bed and... WHOA! I CAN'T THINK IMPURE THOUGHTS LIKE THAT! MY AUTHOR IS MORMON!
I was with Edward in my happy place, but then I realized I wasn't allowed. Damn you, Stephenie Meyer!
A/N: Again, this is a parody. It's supposed to make fun of the original. I enjoyed the original for the most part (Hermione W. Cullen did not. Talk to her about it). Chapter 2 available soon!