I do not own Batman, nor will I ever claim to. I'm just a fan, and that's all I'll ever be. This story is based off of How to Make a Really Bad Dragon Ball Z Fanfic by Ryomi and How to Write a Bad Sailor Moon Story by Demon Pyromaniac.
Greetings and salutations Ladies and Gents! I, the amazing Steven Apollo, author of such wonderful books as Life's a Bitch and Then You Marry One- Divorce in Five Easy Steps!, I'm My Own Attorney...And so Can You!, The Dummy Wants Me to Kill People: The Official Biography of a MPD-afflicted Ventriloquist and Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Fun Ways to Use a Microwave have come up with the magic formula for Batman romance fanfiction! By following these few easy steps, you too can churn out your own magical tale of you humping Heath Ledger...ah, partnering with the Joker!
1. Before you begin, you'll need a really cool penname. Since we're all in Batfandom because it's in and the Joker is sexy hotness, it's a really good idea to incorporate your love for the man into your name. The addition of alternating caps typing, random numbers, and x's will make it even cooler!
2. You'll also need a nice and obnoxious disclaimer to prove that you are a serious writer and that your love for the Joker is pure.
Hey guys! I just got back from seeing The Dark Knight and it was soooooo awesome! Since we all love the wonderful, beautiful, huggable, kissable, lickable, humpable, and just plain crazy Joker!! OMG he was so hawwt!! I WANT HIS BABIES. EVERYONE ELSE, GET AWAY FROM HIM. HE IS MINE. OK, so I thought it'd be cool if the Joker had a girlfriend, so I decided to write a romance with my OC and this is what I wrote. I swear she is not a Sue! She is conflicted and dark like he is!! Oh yeah, and I don't own the Dark Knight or anything even though my story is obviously so much better! You might get a really expensive lawyer after me, but I just wrote this disclaimer so you can't sue me, lolz! Oh yeah, and thanks to all my friends for suggesting this! I love you guys!
3. Your character should have an interesting name and be very angsty. It's a must. It's best to bring your character in after the film, because Batman will have forgotten about the Joker by then and will do little to nothing to obstruct their love. (If you do bring her in during the movie, you should have her replace Rachel...ya know, minus the dying part.) When introducing your character, make sure that she is a very tortured soul. It is important, trust me. Also, feel free to character-bash and overuse punctuation marks at your leisure. Spelling and grammar is entirely optional.
Lolita Diane Ravenheart had just ran away from home because nobody appreciated her and everyone beat her, even her two-year-old brother, and they all didn't take her seriously as a rocker even though she wrote My Chemical Romance songs like nobody's business. She cut herself all the time, wore black clothes and cried a lot (haha, she's so emo!) because she thought she was a worthless human being and everyone knows that only emo people do that stuff. She was Harvey Dent's second cousin (AN: BTW, WTF was up with his face in the movie?? EW.) but he wouldn't let her move in because he was a boring stupid bastard who would not let her live out her dreams and his girlfriend Rachel was such a snotty ugly-ass bitch who was such...a...whore. (AN: I laughed when that bitch died, LOLZ.) Although she wouldn't say it out loud, she was secretly glad that they were dead because they didn't understand her and would not crusade for the prevention of child abuse like they should have. Oh, yeah and she hated Batman because he sucked and he was boring and he didn't like the Joker. (AN: OMG I HATED HIZ STOOPID VOICE!! WTF BALE??)
4. Being kidnapped by the Joker is the best way to meet him. True facts.
One day, she was walking down the street and digging her razor into her arm, when suddenly, a white van pulled up beside her and someone pulled her inside. Then someone hit her on...something! She thought it might have been her head! She felt woozy and there were little white dots in her eyes. She was also bleeding. Before she passed out, she heard a voice whisper 'Why so serious?'
5. When your character comes to, she should be somewhat terrified yet intrigued by the very insane criminal sexiness that is the Joker. He licks his lips a lot in the movie, so you should include that. Also, don't forget to overuse all of his greatest catchphrases!
When Lolita woke up, her head hurt. There was a bright light. It appeared to be... a lamp. She was in a warehouse. She was tied up and wired to 16 barrels of gasoline just because it's more intense and I can recycle plot devices if I want to and I'd like to see you try and stop me. Her mascara was running. She wished she had a razor so she could cut herself some more because she was just that angsty.
"Why so serious?" said a voice.
Lolita looked up. A mysterious man in a purple suit who wore makeup and had greasy greenish hair and scars and things like that was standing over her and licking his lips. She had seen him on the news before- that was it! He was that incredibly dangerous criminal on the news- the Joker! Oh yes, she fondly remembered watching him on the news as he killed people and licked his lips and becoming so turned on she though she'd explode! And now they were face to face...
"I am somewhat terrified yet intrigued by your very insane criminal sexiness." said Lolita.
"Wanna know how I got my scars?" said the Joker. He licked his lips.
"Are you going to kill me?" asked Lolita.
"I hated my father!" said the Joker while he licked his lips.
"Please don't kill me." said Lolita.
The Joker licked his lips. "A little fight in you! I like that!"
"I can't reach my razorblade. I'm sad and might explode from angst." said Lolita.
The Joker whipped out his knife and started advancing on Lolita while licking his lips. "Let's put a smile on that face!"
6. In any relationship, it's best if you can find common ground in some way.
"NOOOO!" Lolita squealed. "My daddy used to threaten me with a knife! Don't make me relive it!"
Suddenly, the Joker's expression softened. "My father used to beat me too." he said. "I am curious about this similarity we share." A tear trickled down his cheek. He licked his lips. "Curious and very sad."
7. We all know that the Joker was horribly abused as a child and subsequently lost his wife, but it's always best to add details. Don't be afraid to steal from other characters' backstories- after all, none of your friends will notice. Those horrible flamers who patrol the internet might, but they all suck like Batman!
"Your father beat you too? Really?" said Lolita. Her mascara was running down her face in lovely black rivers, leaving beautiful black streaks.
The Joker was crying heavily too. His makeup was also running. It was glorious. "He used to flip a coin." he said. "If it landed on 'heads', he'd beat me. But it was a double-headed coin! Now I have disassociative personality disorder and difficulty making decisions!"
"My mother embarrassed me without knowing it- made me carry an umbrella to school because she wanted to protect me!" said the Joker, sobbing like a little girl. "The kids at school used to beat me- they called me 'Scarecrow' because I was lanky! So I killed them!"
"Go on." said Lolita. She was barely able to stand the dramatic tension!
"Then my father killed my mother and gave me these scars because I was so serious! Then I grew up and married! But my wife fell ill and I had to turn to cryogenic technology to save her! I'm still looking for a cure!"
"Oh, poor Joker!"
"I've also lived for hundreds of years and control plant life!" said the Joker. "I'm an ecoterrorist in addition to an anarchist! Did I mention that I love Alice in Wonderland and specialize in mind control? Well I do! But that's not important to this story!"
"Oh, Mistah J!" Lolita cried. "I'm so sorry!" She sobbed. "Oh, I'm just as tragic as you are!"
8. Now that the Joker's status as the tragic woobie he obviously was throughout the course of the film has been established, it's time for some lovin'! Feel free to add an inappropriate and completely unnecessary AN amidst the action.
"You're a freak like me!" said the Joker, cutting Lolita free from her bonds and unhooking her from the 16 barrels of gasoline. "We belong together!"
"Yes we do!" exclaimed Lolita as she whipped out her razor and cut herself some more.
"You shouldn't do that to your pretty skin!" said the Joker. He licked his lips.
"Okay!" said Lolita. She threw it away.
And then they made out. A lot. Then they fell onto the floor in a fit of reckless passion and made out some more. Then they pulled their clothes off and had the most amazingly twisted hot and sweaty dirty monkey sex that you can imagine. (AN: I know because I watched, lolz! I almost joined in, but that would've been rude! ;) )
Then they walked out of the building, which exploded. It sure did blow up good and purdy.
9. Now that your character and the Joker are an item, it's time to start making him a good guy. Or semi-decent. After all, he'd be awesome boyfriend material if it wasn't for those nasty little flaws...
So Lolita and the Joker became the best, angstiest couple in the history of ever. He went to Hot Topic and bought her some clothes that made her look just like him and gave her Joker-style makeup. He also taught her how to kill piles of people like nobody's business. In return, she helped him. Each day, she and the Joker would run around killing people and blowing shit up, and each night she would hold his hand and comfort him as he sobbed into her shoulder, reliving every single painful occurrence in his tortured past.
"Oh, Joker, it's okay." Lolita whispered some two months after they had first met. She no longer dug her razor into her skin because being with the Joker had erased all her pain. "I know that you're only evil because the world doesn't understand you. But I do. I'll always understand you! And I swear that I'll help you get better."
"You will?" asked the Joker between sobs. (AN: BTW, he was dressed as Nurse Joker at the moment, because that scene turned me on so much!)
"Honest-to-goodness." said Lolita. And then they kissed. And then they had even more sex.(AN: It's okay, I didn't join in. I was busy with my girls, Sugar and Spice...why are you staring at us like that? GTFO!)
10. Now it's time for the grand finale. This should be your moment of catharsis with some action, some angst, and some romance. Use more needless character bashing while you're at it.
"Step away from her, Joker." said a gruff, deep, stupid-sounding voice. Lolita and the Joker looked up in shock! It was that big lame-o Batman!
"It's alright, Batsy!" said the Joker. "I have found true love and have reformed completely!"
"Oh, yeah right!" said Batman. He grabbed the Joker and dragged him out of the secret hideout Lolita shared.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Lolita. She rushed after Batman, who was driving down the street in his Batmobile!! (AN: That's what they called that motorcycle thingy, right? LOL.) She caught up with him just as he was delivering the Joker to...I forgot his name...that stupid guy with the stupid mustache who played Sirius Black in the Harry Potter movies! Mustache Guy was watching as the cops slapped cuffs on the man she loved.
"DON'T DO IT!" shouted Lolita.
Everyone stopped and stared.
"Sure, the Joker kills people. Sure he tortures them. Sure he murdered quite a few criminals- but they deserved it! Sure he blew up That Bitch Rachel- but wouldn't you? And sure he threatened and ruined the lives of many innocent people. But can you blame him? He was abused as a child! He's gone through more horrors than you could ever imagine! And why? Because people like you don't understand all the battered children! If we just saved all the poor children from being sore, Gotham would be perfect!"
Everyone had tears in their eyes. Even the Mayor. His eyeliner was running.
"That's a good enough reason for me!" said the Mustache Guy. (AN: LOL, he should shave that stupid thing!) "Oh, Lolita, we needed a pretty girl like you to set us straight!"
"Damn right!" said the townspeople.
The cops let the Joker go and Lolita rushed into his arms. They cried angsty tears of joy. But wait! Batman looked like he still wanted to break them away from each other!
11. Add in a deus ex machina or two while you're at it. It doesn't have to make any sense Remember, it's your fanfic so they're your rules!
"Oh, Bats!" someone called.
Batman turned around to find...Harvey Dent, alive and well, with his face all perfect and stuff!
"I know what you're thinking." said Harvey. "I'm supposed to be dead, I know. But I actually survived that fall! I was rescued at the last minute by a surgeon named Thomas Elliot! He repaired my face! And when he finally removed the bandages...I realized something!"
"What's that?" asked Batman.
"I've wanted to have glorious sex with you since the first reel of The Dark Knight!" said Harvey.
So they embraced passionately and headed off to some hotel to get it AWWWN! Harvey discovered that Batman was Bruce Wayne, but he didn't say anything because he was cool with it. And neither of them ever remembered That Bitch Rachel for the rest of their lives, so it was all good.
Meanwhile, the Joker and Lolita were snogging.
"I bought something for you." she whispered.
"Really?" asked the Joker. "What is it?"
She passed him a tube of cream. He rubbed it on his face and...his scars vanished forever! He was perfect and beautiful!
"See, everything will be all right!" said Lolita.
YAY!" shouted the townspeople.
"Oh, Lolita, I am cured of my scars and insanity forever and ever!" said the Joker. "Let's get married!"
"I thought you'd never ask!" said Lolita.
12. Wrap everything up in a tidy bow. Don't worry about logic. Your characters' happiness is what's key to the story.
And so they married in the most expensive ceremony ever. They even had Green Day playing at their wedding. John Lennon was the guest of honor. He rode in on a flying pink pony.
"I shall love you forever and ever." said the Joker. "And I'll never kill anyone again as long as I live."
"And I shall never be upset about anything as long as I live." said Lolita.
"You may kiss...each other!" said Buddy Holly.
They moved into a little house with a white picket fence. The Joker got a job as a top-ranking business executive. Lolita became a doctor! They had three kids and their kids were the most awesome kids ever! They also had a kitten...named Cuddles.
And nothing terrible happened to them again as long as they lived. (Okay, the Joker killed some cats and made at least three attempts on the new District Attorney's life, and then there was the time when he went lust-crazy for Batman, but let's not count those instances. After all, they never came to fruition.) Heck, sometimes Uncle Bruce and Uncle Harvey took a break from their jobs as fitness instructors in California to come over and visit them! Sometimes they brought along this really sexy lawyer named Steven Apollo and he sometimes brought along his girlfriends Sugar and Spice and everyone had one big orgy! Seriously!
Oh, and crime had stopped and everyone was happy all the time. All in all, Gotham City had changed for the better! THE END!!
13. Cap it off with another author's note. If anything, your readers owe you, so you shouldn't feel obligated to be polite.
Thanks for reading the best Batman story ever created. See, I made everything much better than the movie! So I should only get positive reviews! If you flame me, I will kidnap you and dangle you over a pit of hydrochloric acid with great white sharks and whirling buzzsaws until you say you're sorry! As for everyone else, I'm not writing the sequel until I get 100 reviews, a chance to meet the ghost of Clarence Darrow, and the head of Colonel Montoya. SO HOP TO IT, GODDAMNIT!
A-and there you have it!
Mind, none of this is to be taken seriously. My thoughts and attitudes towards the movie are not necessarily reflected in this work; I'm actually a big Harvey Dent fand, adore Batman, and found Rachel to be...okay. And I do know who Commisioner Gordon is. He's awesome. But you know no one could really be that stupid about this canon...or could they? -shifty eyes-
I have no rancor towards OC/Anyone stories if they're written well, and I'm not going to tell anyone what they can and can't write. (I mean, really now, a Bruce/Harvey shipper telling people that they can't write romances with the Joker? Eh...) Much of this is as exaggerated as possible, mind (I have seen the 'scar cream' device used, although I can't remember the name of the fic); however I have seen many of these tropes abused copiously on some fanfiction stories and many of these attitudes expressed within the online fandom (Batman as a fad, Bruce/Batman's character being bashed, the Joker as an abused woobiekitten who angsts like crazy and can be 'fixed by love', ecetera), and it does depress me a bit.
Either way, thank you for putting up with this and happy trails!