I do not own the Twilight or the Characters (if I found a genie I would So wish to own Edward… imagination runs wild…), I only own the Plot to Starved.
Warning - There isn't a lot of BxE in this Chapter due to Bella's flashback, but there will be later, so don't you fret!! ENJOY!!
I had my eyes closed and I was perfectly relaxed. Everything was calm and perfect. I was in my comfortable bed in my familiar room. My godlike boyfriend was holding me securely to his cold hard chest with nothing but my old quilt in between us. He was absentmindedly humming the lullaby he had composed for me into my hair. His sweet breathe swirling over my face. In this moment I knew I had never been happier, or more at peace.
This euphoria was not what I had been expecting when I decided to move here to Forks Washington. I was hoping beyond hope that my life would be no more insufferable as the one I led LA, with my mother where I had grown up. I left there three months ago, at the beginning of the school year. So much had changed since then. So much about myself was different. Then again some things, it seemed, no matter how well things could be going in my life, would never change.
I thought back to my sophomore year at LA High School. I was used to the kids in my class having been stuck with them since Kindergarten. They were all the same. Everything in their worlds were based on appearances. What clothes you wore, how you did your hair, what after school programs you attended, your friends, even your boyfriends were all expertly mapped out. Whatever made you appear to have everything you, and every one else wanted. I was never quite up to par with that whole LA lifestyle. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I didn't have enough money to keep up with the latest trends, and even if I did I was pretty sure I wouldn't have anyway. I was a loner, not that I couldn't make friends, rather I couldn't be bothered. Not with that crowd anyway. It didn't feel weird or lonely being by myself either. I occupied my time by doing homework, reading, and taking care of my somewhat absentminded mother and our house.
I never thought of myself as being unhappy, but I always felt that I was missing something. Something that everyone else around me appeared to have. One day while I was reading in the cafeteria I overheard some girls talking about me. It was nothing new, due to my odd social preferences, and total disinterest in fashion I was often the target for gossip on an uneventful afternoon. I was only half listening, giggling in my head at their claim that I thought I was too cool to talk with them. When one of the girls, a more popular junior that I had never once spoken to laughed coldly then sneered,
"And what does she have that is so much better then us?! She's just a loser who has nothing and has rightfully given up on herself…"
I froze, then quickly looked more intensely at the open page of my novel without seeing a single thing printed on it. My eyes were quickly filling with tears and my cheeks were already blushing furiously. Sure I could handle remarks about my clothes, but something this girl said struck me somewhere that was already sore and weak within my heart. I had asked myself these same questions almost daily. Had I really given up on myself? Was there anything more to life then school, and work? Of course there was, it was just plainly obvious that it wasn't meant for me. These thoughts ate away at my sole, ripping down the layers of rough outer wall I had built at an early age to protect my sensitive heart.
"I don't blame her,", a third girl interjected, "She's so average, and let's just say even if she did own a single pair of Balenciaga jeans, she sure as hell couldn't fit into them!" at that all of the girls snapped their bleached heads back, the n'sink motion looked almost practiced, and laughed violently. They composed themselves and began to walk away towards a group of overly groomed senior boys. I hopped up quickly keeping my eyes locked on the floor in an attempt to hide my tears, and ran to the closest bathroom I could find. I washed my face with cold water for several minutes, then stayed perched, leaning over the sink emotionally drained until my heavy breaths began to settle back into a normal rhythm. After a couple of minutes I sighed heavily and straightened up looking into the mirror above the sink. I almost started to cry again, a girl, plain as could be stood there staring right back at me. Her old brown t-shirt and faded jeans washing out her brown hair and eyes did nothing to help her boring appearance. I leaned in a little closer, and saw to my horror that the girls in the cafeteria had been right. I had two bulges sticking out at the top of my waistband. They were draped snugly by the material of my shirt, I covered them with my hands and pushed them in towards my hips praying that they would stay there. Then I noticed that my upper arms were larger they used to be! When had this happened?! I shook my arms watching the extra flesh flap, still pushing in my love handles. My breathing became sharp and fast again. I ran into a stall and curled up into a ball. I didn't want to look at myself anymore. My entire life was pitiful and out of my control. I had always done what I needed to. Always earned pretty good grades, kept up with the housework and my mother. Why was it that I still felt I was missing something, something that I had no power to obtain on my own.
I couldn't give up on myself like those girls thought I had, like I thought I had. I had to fix things before they got out of hand. There was some thing that I did have complete control over. I would start my diet affective immediately.
That same night I sat at my desk, hairs still wet from my shower, in my shabby oversized t-shirt scanning the internet for all the most promising diet tricks I could find. Most of the sites were fad diets that I knew where a scam. Some others sounded helpful and repeated allot of the same information. I took mental notes and then typed up my new regime. Cardio seemed like a must for weight loss, at least 45 minutes a day for four or more days a week. Ok, I could handle that. Then there was weight training, that looked unnecessary to me, I wasn't interested in gaining any muscle. Then there was the food. That was the tricky part, everyone contradicted each other. I decided that I would just make up my own diet, I knew what foods were healthy or not. I just had to make sure to eat as little as possible.
That first month was the hardest. Exorcising everyday really threw off my routine, and doing all that extra work made me hungry, which aggravated my diet. I got threw it in a desperate attempt to fix my bleak life. At the end of the month I had lost twelve pounds! I was ecstatic! My love handles were gone and I could barely notice my arm flab. Standing on that scale was such a high, I felt for the first time in my life truly in control. I could do anything. Soon after that I began daily weigh ins, checking my progress. I was never disappointed either. I kept on running everyday, pushing my self farther and faster every week. Four months in I hit a Plato, my weight was one twenty, and for two weeks it stayed there. I began to feel nauseous and anxious every time I went to step on the scale. I stood there naked crying one night, and decided that every month I would remove something from my daily food intake that I had now perfected. Grapefruit, granola bar, nonfat yogurt for breakfast. Banana and organic peanut butter for lunch, apple and granola bar for snack, and grapefruit, yogurt, and banana for dinner. This idea worked and by the end of the year I felt in control and for the first time proud of myself.
Caught By The River, Doves -
(This song really personifies the struggle Bella is going through. It's the fight that is waging on in her mind. She realizes how little influence she has in her own life and decides to fight for it. This song is really special because you truly ask yourself these things when you're in similar situations.)
What have you done?
Your caught by the river, you're coming undone.
Life, you know it can't be so easy, but you can't jut leave it, cause you're not in control no more.
And you give it all away. Would you give it all away?
Don't let it come apart. I don't wan to see you come apart.
Son, what are you doing?
Would you give it all up now?
Would you give in just despite them all?
Give it away, give it all away.
Come apart, don't want to see you come apart.
AN - Hey there readers, once again I'm sorry about the lack of Edward and his suave hotness in this chapter, but I needed but lay out Bella's history for you to get a true grasp on her situation. I decided to make Bella this way because I felt that really related to Bella's lack of self worth in the books. Both are super self aware and feel empty before Mr. Cullen enters scene!
Don't you guys worry though… He will be coming around the mountain soon!
Oh, PLEASE REVIEW. I promise I will respond if you do! Thanx!!