Warning: This story is what I enjoy calling a "crack-fic" and so it's a bit out there...
Disclaimer: I still don't own Chuck or the actual song from this fic. Although, I do own the new lyrics to this song, because they're awesome and were written by me.
Warning two: This story may or may not contain spoilers. And if they do, if they do, then they've already been spoiled.
Disclaimer two: I don't take responsibility for spoiling the spoilers of Season Two for you. I did indeed "warn you" about them, so ha!
Warning three: Not all ships are going to be happy at times. So don't hate me.
Disclaimer three: There is a bit of slash in there, but you'll see why. And, if you've read any spoilers, you'll know what I'm talking about just by reading that last little bit.
Warning Four: This parody-fic may not be as good as Chuck vs the Wienerlicous Rap, but it serves it's point.
Disclaimer Four: I also don't take the blame for GoChuckGo not liking it as much as the last one. I will admit, it's not nearly as good and funny, but that's only because nothing can beat the previously stated one!
And that's all, folks. (All the disclaimers and warnings that I had a lot of fun with!)
Oh wait! I lied.
Suggestion: Listen to 'I Kissed A Girl' by Kate Perry to understand the song. Yes, that's the song! Ha!
And NOW I am done! Yah!
I Kissed a Nerd-Herder/Agent
Another boring day, another daily briefing and another drunken Jeff not doing work. No missions, no digital video cameras without their digital tape and no lost engagement rings; but, another sticky situation.
The new assistant manager, Emmett, had overheard Casey, Chuck and Sarah discussing their covers in the BuyMore's Home Theater room, aka the spy room as Chuck called it.
From Emmett's view inside the room, Casey seemed to be standing awfully close to Chuck and Sarah seemed strategically spaced from Chuck.
"We need to work on our cover." Emmett heard Sarah say with his special hearing device he bought a few days ago at the spy store. Emmett would always see them sneak off into the Home Theater room and got curious enough to go and buy this particular device for this particular reason.
Through the crack in the curtains, nosy Emmett could see Chuck shift and his feet moving in their place; Emmett assumed he found interest in his feet at this time of awkwardness.
"Sarah's right, Chuck." Casey replied. "Ellie asked me the other day while I was sneaking into your room why I was doing that and why I we seemed to be spending so much time together."
"She's catching on to us, Chuck." Sarah paused. "She's starting to see through our fake relationship."
For Emmett, this was all the proof he needed. Gathering himself from the floor, he waltzed into the room, the pride of his discovery written all over his puny little face.
Alarmed, Casey and Sarah turned around, hands resting on their guns; Chuck just stared.
"A-ha!" Emmett puffed, walking in front of the TV to look at the three of them. "I've finally figured out your secret!"
Casey and Sarah shared a look, communicating who-knows-what through their eyes and Chuck gave out a look that read 'Oh Shit!'
"And what would that be?" Sarah asked, slyly.
"You're not really Chuck's girlfriend..." Emmett paused, adding to the suspense of his little moment. "You're only pretending so everyone doesn't figure out that Chuck and Casey are gay lovers!" Emmett's right fist pumped in the air, chest puffed out and face looking up and to the side, much like a superhero.
Chuck's face turned ghostly white, but that was nothing in comparison to Casey's face. Never in his whole life had he been accused of being gay nor had he ever been gay.
From her spot on the other side of Chuck, Sarah could hear Casey's ragged breathing accompanied by grunts and practically feel the tense level in his body rise. Meanwhile, she was trying to play it cool to make up for the two men's behavior.
"Actually Emmett..." Chuck started, but failed in the talking department. He thought he was gonna puke.
"Chuck's bi." Sarah spat out in attempt to recover the cover. Quicker than anyone could say 'shiny,' Casey and Chuck's heads shot over to Sarah, practically breaking their necks. Emmett looked on with great interest as he watched things pan out between the three.
First gay now bi? Casey wasn't going to have any of it, and Walker was going to pay, but he knew that he had to mend their cover for the time being.
Roughly, in a Casey fashion, Casey grabbed Chuck's cheeks with his hands and smashed his lips into Chuck's. Casey had his eyes shut, attempting to pretend to like it, and Chuck tried--really tried-- to "enjoy" it, but he couldn't help but flail his arms behind him, signaling for Sarah to save him.
Sarah, on the other hand, snapped a few pictures, as did Emmett. Perfect way to blackmail the two of them, she justified later.
After what seemed like an eternity, which happened to be only 48.7 seconds by Sarah's timing, Casey and Chuck stopped their hot tonsil hockey. Casey attempted to keep his cool until Emmett was satisfied enough to leave and Chuck kept trying to keep his lunch down.
To further this cover, Sarah initiated a mind-blowing kiss that Chuck didn't mind one bit. This time, the kiss was approximately a minute long with a two second air break in between.
"Dude, this doesn't bug you?" Emmett asked as he and Casey speculated the kiss.
"Nope. He likes girls more, anyways."
Finally breaking from the kiss, Chuck took the situation into his own hands. "Casey," Chuck started as he took to Casey with Sarah's hand in his. "I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work out anymore. You guys were right; the cover is dying and as much as I... I love you Casey, I have to stay with Sarah. For the sake of my family and friends."
Casey grunted, which seemed like an upsetting grunt to Emmett, but was really a grunt of joy.
"Emmett," Sarah said, saucily in attempt to seduce him. "Please don't tell anyone." She purred.
Emmett, completely flabbergasted by how close her chest area was to him nodded many times and uttered out a very lame and stutter filled "Yes."
As he walked out the door, Casey turned to Sarah and gave her the look of death. "You owe me." He scowled.
As Casey begun walking out, the trio could hear a rather familiar drum beat rising in the speakers. To the untrained ear, it sounded like a slightly different version of the beginning beat to Queen's We Will Rock You.
And then, as if on cue, BAM! Spot lights, open curtains, a stage and a large crowd appeared in the middle of the BuyMore where the Nerd Herd help desk used to be.
As if on auto-pilot, the trio walked up onto the stage, the spotlights following, and grabbed respective mikes on the stage and got into position.
Suddenly, Chuck begun singing with a rather toned voice. "I never wanted to do this, not my intention. I was Carmichael, martini in hand." Well, actually Chuck was Bartowski and happened to have a Wienerlicous drink in the room with him as it happened, but the lyrics made it sounds so much cooler; so much more... Bonds--James Bond-- Esque.
"Lost my discretion," Chuck continued as he walked down the stage, high-fiving his "fans" as he walked by. "It's not the, way I do. Please, don't try me on!" Pointing to his head, he sang: "I wish I, didn't have the Intersect. Just for this reason."
And then came the chorus. Magically, a group of four backup singers appeared and sang with Chuck, even though the lyrics didn't have any meaning for them personally.
But wait! These weren't any normal old backup singers! They were Morgan, Anna, Jeff and Lester! Along with the beat, they swung their hips and snapped as they stood at their mikes backing Chuck up.
"Casey kissed me and I hated it, he could really use some chap-stick. I don't know why, but it scared me." And then, with a faster pace, he sang: "I needed Sarah to come save me!" And then went back to the normal pace. "It felt so wrong, I couldn't walk straight. Definitely doesn't mean I liked it! Casey came on me, out of the blue. Can I go puke?"
Then, Chuck's spotlight died and everyone focused their attention on Casey. Suddenly, all these girls started screaming and drooling over the tough man.
"Now, you annoy the crap out of me. It didn't matter then. I had to do it to save you, just what the spies do. It's not what, straight men do, but you do what you do for cover. My brain needs, some brain bleach. So, hard to erase." Casey sung, with an amazing manly voice.
In the middle of his point, his outfit had changed into a purple-sequined piece with red-sequined lips here and there. Looking over at Chuck, he was in a snazzier version of his Nerd Herd outfit, but still looked amazingly hott. Sarah was unseen.
"To the chorus now!" Was heard out of the mouth of Big Mike, scattered in the audience somewhere.
"I had to kiss Chuck and it was i-ick! Something about Emmett and Sarah's phones out. I had to do it to satisfy Emmett." Casey justified through song, adding extra venom and disgust with Emmett's name. "I hope the word never gets out."
Suddenly, the back up singers decided to come back to join Casey out of the blue. So, all five of them sang in harmony: "It was really wrong, and despicable. I'm so sorry President Regan." As Casey mentioned his beloved President, a picture of the President doing a little jig flashed on the big screens that appeared.
Again, Casey justified his doings. "I kissed Chuck, for our country." Quickly, he took in a short breath so that he could punctuate to the best of his ability the next part in a harsh and to the point tone. "For. Our. Country!"
Out of no where, Sarah sauntered back onto the stage wearing a beautiful white satin gown that went down to the floor with a train in the back and quite the v-cut in the front in the back. Now, it was the men's turn to drool and give oggle eyes.
Picking up her silver mike with specialized jewels on it, Sarah begun to sing. "Chuck's curls they are so magical. Mesmerizing me, lips so kissable." She harmonized as she ran her hands through Chuck's hair, enjoying every minute of it. Of course, so did he as he leaned into her electric touch.
"Chuck lips are mine, not Casey's. But I'll live, it was keeping him safe. Casey stay away from him." Then the stage went dark for a mini-second and then came back in full color, including every color of the rainbowical spectrum and more non-existent colors!
Together, Chuck and Casey sang as they looked at each other.
"I kissed a nerd." "I kissed a man-agent." They sang at the same time.
"And despised it. My stomach flops just thinking 'bout it. I didn't chose it, it just happened. Don't let Lester of Jeff hear 'bout it." Then, BAM! The shot was of Lester and Jeff, now not backup singers, looking at the kiss on a video camera which also held the tape of women's chests.
"I want to puke." Chuck sang.
"I want to die." Casey sang, the two switching off.
And then back together.
"I'll need my space after tonight. We kissed each other and gaged during it."
Then exploding lights exploded as they sang the last line. "WE HATED IT!"
BLACK! went the stage and the lights. Soon, the buzzing of the regular lights could be heard coming back on, and when they were, Casey, Chuck and Sarah were all back in the Home Theater room and business was as normal except for one little detail; Lester and Jeff were still watching the kiss.
Over and over again.
"Don't ever touch me again, Bartowski, or I'll shoot you off." Casey warned as he exited the Home Theater room without the music and lights coming on.
"Yes sir!" Chuck saluted and yelled. Sarah's laughter was heard from behind him and Chuck turned to face her.
"That was kinda hot." She admitted in a serious tone. Without skipping a beat, they were all over each other on the couch where many others had done the dirty.
Casey's kiss may have made him want to puke minutes earlier, but now those feelings were held abay as he and Sarah enjoyed their random make-out session.
Extra Author's Note: I know that the punctuation as they sing looks bad, but it's how it's syncopated in the song (for the most part), so it was needed.