Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. I just point at them and laugh, in a loving sort of way.
Summary: Sasuke's finally decided on his chosen mate, and he pursues him with the same ruthless determination he does everything else. Unfortunately, it's all too subtle for Naruto.
Author's Note: Because, in my mind at least, Naruto and Sasuke are far too screwed up for it to go any other way. Their hilariously dysfunctional relationship brings me endless joy...
The Subtle Art of Uchiha Seduction
One lazy afternoon, Naruto and Chouji were sitting in Ichiraku's, enjoying a future with nothing but ramen in sight. Then, Sasuke burst in and punched Naruto in the head.
"What the hell, you bastard?" Naruto leapt up from where he'd fallen on the ground to spit in Sasuke's face.
"Idiot," Sasuke snorted. "Fuck me."
"You better believe I'm going to fuck you up!" Naruto hit Sasuke in the jaw in response.
Chouji watched, puzzled, as the two of them rolled around in the dirt, screaming and kicking. Eventually Kakashi and Gai intervened and dragged the two struggling boys in opposite directions.
"What was that about?" Tenten watched them go in disbelief.
Chouji just shrugged. After all, he couldn't have heard what he'd thought he'd heard, right?
The next incident occurred only a day later. Sakura and Ino were catching up while Ino manned her family's flower shop, when a giant flying tackle occurred in front of the store.
"Get off me, jerk!" Naruto yelled.
Ino and Sakura rushed to the window to spy on the drama. Sasuke was sitting on Naruto's back and, as they watched, he pulled out a kunai.
"I can kick your ass any day!" Naruto insisted as Sasuke shoved his face into the dirt and began slicing through the back of Naruto's shirt.
Ino blinked. "Shouldn't you help him or something?"
Sakura rolled her eyes. "I learned my lesson about that long ago: never get between Naruto and Sasuke when they're being insane."
Ino's eyes widened as Sasuke grinned maliciously at Naruto's now-bare back and uncapped a marker, holding the lid between his teeth. "What is he doing?"
"Flirting," Sakura shrugged.
"Flirting?" Ino squeaked.
"Aren't you glad he never had a crush on you now?"
Ino watched Sasuke very deliberately write something on Naruto's back, his face screwed up in absolute concentration. "Poor Naruto…"
"He doesn't mind. Look, he's flirting back."
Naruto kicked Sasuke in the face and dashed off, with Sasuke hot on his heels, still brandishing the marker.
Ino inwardly concluded that all of Team Seven was insane.
Neji and Hinata were heading into the Hokage's office to deliver their latest mission reports when Sasuke emerged and gave them both a superior smirk. Strutting with all the confidence of a proud peacock, he turned the corner.
A few seconds later, Naruto followed, grumbling under his breath and glaring in the direction Sasuke had gone.
Neji and Hinata, as all Hyuuga did but vehemently denied, took advantage of the opportunity to use their Byakugan to see through Naruto's clothes. They both started coughing in shock at the same time.
"I hate that bastard so much," Naruto seethed, stalking by them without a second glance. "It was permanent marker!"
Neji and Hinata exchanged an embarrassed glance. It was either confess that they'd been ogling Naruto's naked body, or try to ignore the fact that Naruto now had 'Property of Uchiha Sasuke. Hands and eyes OFF!' written all over his chest and back.
Neji coughed. "Are you free to train tomorrow morning?"
"Yes, that would be nice," Hinata smiled.
Ignorance, it was.
Naruto, Sasuke, Sai, and Shino were eating dinner at the sushi place that evening, when Naruto belched upon completion of his meal, as he always did. The part that was unusual was that this time Sasuke caught him by the throat, threw him onto his back on the bench, and slammed his lips down onto Naruto's with all the gentleness of a freight train.
Naruto flailed a bit while Sasuke tried to murder him with his mouth. Finally, Naruto punched Sasuke in the stomach, and Sasuke retreated to the far side of the bench, panting, his Sharingan flaring wildly.
"What's wrong with you, you psycho?" The force of Naruto's yell shook the whole restaurant. "I don't need CPR!"
Shino blinked, although no one could see it behind his sunglasses.
By now, Sai had learned the same lesson Sakura had, so he turned to Shino instead. "Do you need CPR?"
Shino blinked at him some more.
"I see. And how do you feel about penises? I can assure you that mine is much larger than Naruto's."
Sasuke scowled over at them, and his fingers twitched on the table, aching to get out his permanent marker again as he glanced down at Naruto's crotch.
Shikamaru and Kiba were headed out to the training field, when Sasuke approached from the other direction with a rope hefted over his shoulder. At the other end of the rope was Naruto, bound and gagged so tightly that he couldn't move an inch. Sasuke dragged Naruto along the ground behind him as he approached the other two ninjas.
Shikamaru really didn't want to get involved – it seemed hazardous to one's health – but he did feel some basic sense of duty to step in before things got out of hand. "Hey, Uchiha," he nodded. "What are you doing?"
Naruto squirmed in the ropes and mumbled something obscene through the gag.
"Mating." Sasuke turned cold, emotionless eyes on Shikamaru. "Now, get out of my way."
Shikamaru was stunned enough by that answer that he'd already half staggered back anyway. Sasuke shouldered him to the side of the path and then continued dragging Naruto in the direction of the Uchiha District.
"Uh… He wasn't serious, right?" Kiba's voice practically squeaked on the last word.
"Who knows?" Shikamaru shrugged. "They've both always been crazy."
Kiba nodded numbly. "I've heard of pushy bottoms, but this is getting ridiculous."
"He's a jerk and an asshole and a complete psychopath, and I hate him!" Naruto announced dramatically, arms flailing in elaborate gestures around him as he did so.
"Wait, go back." Sakura surreptitiously wiped away the dribble of drool at the corner of her mouth. "After he dragged you into his bedroom, stripped naked, and untied you, then what happened?"
"He bent over, braced his hands on the wall, and said, 'If you think you're better than me, then prove it.' I mean, what kind of lunatic does that?" Naruto ranted.
Sakura's eyes glazed over. "So what did you do?"
"I rammed his retarded skull into the wall so that he passed out, and got the hell out of there. What else?"
Sakura whimpered at the waste.
Naruto crossed his arms over his chest, looking sullen.
"Uh, Naruto?" she finally ventured.
"Did it ever occur to you that, just maybe, Sasuke's been trying to tell you something with the way he's been acting lately?"
"You mean like how he's insane?"
Sakura sighed; she knew it had been too good to hope for that Naruto could figure this out on his own. "I mean like how he's obviously in love with you, in his own…er, special sort of way."
Naruto scratched his head and gave her a vacant look.
"He wants to have sex with you!" she snapped in frustration.
"Huh?" Naruto blinked, confused.
"Don't make me say it again," Sakura threatened, fist clenched.
"I don't get it," Naruto insisted.
Sakura punched him in the face and stalked off.
"What?" Naruto demanded.
"This," Sasuke grabbed Naruto's crotch with bruising force in the middle of the marketplace the next day, "is your penis."
Naruto kicked him in the knee and tackled him to the ground. He tried to pummel Sasuke in the face, but Sasuke caught his fists, and they started wrestling instead.
"It goes inside of me," Sasuke hissed.
"Whatever, you bastard. I can beat you any day!" Naruto announced proudly, when he'd finally pinned Sasuke on his back.
"Then beat me," Sasuke challenged. "In my ass."
"Ha! That's easy for an elite ninja like me!" Naruto thumped his chest.
Sasuke's eye twitched. "Maybe I changed my mind…" he grumbled sullenly.
"What?" Naruto scowled down at him. "No! I am the great Uzumaki Naruto, and I will thwart you – my arch-rival, Uchiha Sasuke – in the ass from now on! I swear it!"
The circle of onlookers coughed and began sweating awkwardly.
"Did they just get engaged?" Sakura whispered in disbelief. This was a bit much, even for her.
Lee's eyes brightened at the very thought. "Yes," he agreed happily, clutching his hand into a fist before him. "What better way to express the Vigor of Youth than with the passionate bond of matrimony? Sakura-chan," he turned hopeful eyes on her, "will you—?"
"God, no!" she screeched, slapping him in the face.
Tears fell from Lee's eyes. "In accordance with the natural courtship rituals of Team Seven, this means that you love me above all others! Oh, Sakura-chan, you have made me the happiest man alive! I will express my joy to you by running laps around Konoha a thousand times!" He dashed off.
Sakura wasn't sure whether to call that a victory or not. Instead, she turned back to Naruto and Sasuke. Naruto now had Sasuke slung over his shoulder in a fireman's hold, while Sasuke swore at him and clawed ineffectually at his back.
"Whatever, bastard. I'm going to fuck your ass until you can't walk anymore. And then I'm going to fuck it some more."
"I'd like to see you try!" Sasuke said scathingly, but he was smiling as he did so.
The whole scene was very disturbing.
The next day Neji almost hacked up a lung when he realized that Sasuke now had the words 'Uzumaki Naruto's! KEEP OUT!!' written in giant letters across his ass. Hinata looked at him oddly, then looked at Sasuke. Her eyes widened.
"What? Do you just check out every guy?"
"Shh!" Neji hissed. "Not so loud!" His face was flaming red, though.
"Guess they finally sorted things out?" Kiba made a face. Even those without Byakugan couldn't fail to notice that Sasuke was walking distinctly bowlegged this morning.
"Hn," Shikamaru shrugged. "Troublesome."
Ino sighed. "You realize it's your duty to get us all the details, right, Sakura?"
Sakura sighed, too. "It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it."
Chouji munched on a bag of chips, Shino remained absolutely quiet, Lee ran by on lap number 924, and Tenten didn't get any screen time. Such was the way of the universe.
As they all watched, Sasuke hissed out "idiot" and rested his head against Naruto's shoulder. Naruto said "bastard" in response and slid his arm around Sasuke's waist. They shared a moment of perfect harmony and then, for no reason whatsoever, Sasuke punched Naruto in the gut.
"That's for trying to get fresh with me, idiot." He stalked off.
Naruto caught him and bit him on the nose. "You're such a bastard, you bastard!"
A most impressive display of physical versatility ensued, in which the top halves of Naruto and Sasuke's bodies pummeled each other, while the bottom halves humped.
"Yet strangely," Sai concluded wisely, "they're pretty much the same as they always were."
There was no arguing with that.
So, yeah. I crack!ficced a bit. I just can't stop squeeing at the notion of Naruto and Sasuke acting like absolutely retarded boys in love. All comments are much appreciated, and thanks for putting up with my little bout of insanity!