a. a deranged state of the mind
b. something utterly foolish or unreasonable
c. this fic
Warning: Spoilers for the latest manga released are hidden within the pure crack of this fic.
Insanity defense: this is all Kantayra's fault. That is all I have to say.
"Idiot boy. I warned you. Why did you train without me?"
Fukasaku glared at him. Naruto looked down at himself, but the sight made him queasy. He hurriedly looked up at his teacher again.
"But I was careful! I managed to—"
"Argue as much as you want, kiddo. All you managed to do was change yourself into a toad."
Without thinking, Naruto gave a little unhappy hop. "So, go ahead and hit me with your stick."
Fukasaku shook his head and sighed. "It's too late. The transformation is complete."
Naruto hopped again, more rapidly now. "But there's got to be something to do! I can't stay like this! It's horrible!"
At his whiny words, Fukasaku summoned his stick and hit Naruto over the head. Hard. Nothing happened.
"Nothing happened!" Naruto complained.
Fukasaku rolled his eyes. "Of course nothing happened."
"Then why did you—"
"There are worse things that could happen to you than being changed into a toad."
Naruto hopped up and down. "Worse? Like what? This is worse than anything!"
"Worse than being dead?" Fukasaku asked, his tone making it clear that he'd fix things if Naruto preferred to be dead.
"Well, no, but…" Naruto flattened his belly to the ground and covered his eyes with wide, webbed hands – were they even hands anymore? "There's got to be a way! Please! I'll do anything!"
For a few seconds, Fukasaku didn't answer. When Naruto looked at him again, he seemed thoughtful.
Sasuke was sitting by the river, meditating and preparing for his next fight – or at least, that was his excuse for having left his team behind. He was growing tired of them, of the constant bickering. And the way Karin kept stroking her arm where he had bitten her, always with a slightly unfocused gaze and sometimes even drooling… it was just too disturbing.
He threw a small rock into the water, pondering his sad fate. Brooding was something that came to Uchihas as naturally as the sharingan, but he had made an art of it. Although he'd never have gotten so good at it if not for the succession of tragedies that had been his life, from the way he'd always been second best for his father to his bad luck in being assigned to a team of losers as a genin and onward to the ugly purple bow he'd been forced to wear for years – oh, and the massacre of his clan, too.
In the middle of the river, a frog sat on a large stone, watching him. Sasuke scowled at it, and threw a rock in its direction. How did it dare interrupt his meditation? Rather than scampering away like a good scared little frog, the annoying pest leaped to a closer stone. Sasuke frowned. Did frogs usually have blue eyes?
"Sasuke. I need to talk to you."
He blinked, then sighed. He had known this was coming. He'd been expecting it for months, actually, ever since he had caught himself checking the effect of the aforementioned purple bow on his figure in a mirror. He had finally lost his mind.
The frog leaped closer again, now sitting in front of Sasuke. "It's me, Naruto."
"Right," he said, rolling his eyes at his own subconscious. "You're Naruto, and I'm the Hokage."
The frogs' eyes narrowed. Sasuke looked at it more closely. Huh. It even had three faint lines on each side of its ugly face. His mind was pretty good at this insanity thing.
"You never said you wanted to be Hokage," the frog accused. "That's my dream."
Sasuke snorted. "Is it, still? Then why do you keep running after me? You'd be better off training for that stupid job. Bringing me back like a captive bride won't help you."
The frog sputtered, hopping up and down and croaking incomprehensibly.
"I don't want you as a bride!" it said when it got a hold on itself again. "What's this nonsense! I am not gay!"
It became very still then and eyed Sasuke suspiciously. "But you are, aren't you? That's why you wear that ugly-ass bow."
Sasuke frowned. Was his subconscious trying to tell him something? Sending him a frog with eyes just as blue as his dobe – because hey, if he was crazy, he could call him his – and now hinting at his preferences. Although at this point it was more a lack of preferences than anything else. He'd never had time, what with his destiny as an avenger and all that. But now that he was insane, he supposed he had all the time in the world to be gay.
He shrugged. "Maybe I am. What does it matter to you? You're a frog."
"I'm a toad," the frog informed him with an outraged glare. "And it matters a lot! It changes everything! I'm not letting you kiss me if you're gay!"
Wow. The insanity was developing at an alarming rate. Now his subconscious wanted him to kiss frogs. Or Naruto. He frowned. He supposed it'd have been nicer to kiss Naruto than a frog. Not that he was likely to do either.
"I don't want to kiss you," he told the frog, and his subconscious along with it. "Now hop along and let me be insane in peace."
"Insane? You think you're insane? Look at me! I'm a toad and I have to kiss my closest friend and…"
Trailing off, the frog tilted his head to observe Sasuke. Then, it hopped onto Sasuke's knee and looked at him worriedly. "What happened? Did they hurt you? Did Itachi make you see things before you killed him? I'm sure Tsunade could fix it. Just come back to the village with me and—"
"You're a frog," Sasuke interrupted the rambling critter. He poked its head and a webbed hand batted at his fingers.
"Toad, frog, doesn't matter. How would you know about my brother? Or anything else? You're not real, that's how. Just a hallucination."
He could have sworn the frog—toad—smirked at him.
"You think you're hallucinating? Perfect. You are. Now give me a kiss."
A kiss? Eww.
"Oh, come on. You don't even have to look. Close your eyes and kiss me and it'll all become much clearer, I promise."
Sasuke crossed his arms and sulked. "I don't want things to get clearer. This is fine."
"Fine? You think you're insane and you're fine with it? For crying out loud…"
Without warning, the frog leaped at Sasuke's face. Sasuke shrieked – in a very manly fashion, not at all like a little girl – and couldn't dodge. The frog collided with his mouth, and he could have sworn the thing's lips were all puckered up for him. Before he could even be disgusted, a frowning Naruto appeared on his lap.
"You," he said, his index finger waving in front of Sasuke's face, "are coming with me. Home. Now."
Sasuke blinked. Huh. The insanity was kind of making sense, now. Just a bit. It looked like the kiss had helped. As much fun as it was to lose his mind, maybe it was time to return to the land of sanity. And if kisses helped…
"Will you kiss me again if I go with you?" he asked the very unfrog-like frog.
Naruto frowned. He started shaking his head, then seemed to think better of it. "Will you come nicely if I do?"
A few more seconds passed as the frog thought very hard. Sasuke didn't mind the wait, although the frog was getting a bit heavy on his lap. And then, at last, the Naruto-frog relented. He leaned in and just brushed his lips against Sasuke's. It was much nicer than the first time, but just as brief.
Blushing, Naruto scrambled to his feet. He was looking everywhere except at Sasuke. "All right, let's go home."
Sasuke stood, and for the first time since the frog had talked to him, wondered if he was truly crazy, or if this was really happening. Watching Naruto, he decided that it didn't matter.
"Lead the way, then, little frog."
Naruto rolled his eyes at him. "Toad!"
They argued about it all the way back to Konoha.