I was reading some of New Moon again, and a part struck me in a way that it never has before. It's the part when Bella is sick on the floor of the bathroom when she falls asleep. She wakes up to find herself in her bedroom, the glass of water by her bed. She automatically thinks that Charlie must have carried her in there once she fell asleep. (Page 222) I don't believe that's how it happened. This is my take on how Bella got to her bedroom.
Bad. So bad. So wrong.
And yet, I couldn't make myself stop. I couldn't force myself to turn around and run away as if the crazy thought had never struck me. I could only push myself to go faster, picturing my sweet, sweet Bella in my head, anxiously awaiting the moment when I would see her once again.
I knew that this was bad. I shouldn't torture myself like this. After all, I was only going to allow myself to see her. I wouldn't touch her, and I definitely wouldn't stay. I couldn't torture her like that.
But I had to at least see her. My 'life,' if that's what you could call it, had turned into hell the day I left my angel. I knew it was my fault I was feeling all this pain. I was the one that left Bella. I cringed as her name tore into me.
As I reached her house, I slowed to a human pace, taking in the sight of her window. Just one jump and I would be up there, staring at my love. Just one jump…
But I couldn't do it. It would only put me in more pain. And what if she saw me? I knew she would most likely be sleeping considering the time, but what if she woke up? And even if she didn't, how would I ever be able to leave when I would want to see her awake so badly?
I shook my head. I had come a long way to do this. I was going to see my Bella even if it killed me, no pun intended. I jumped through her window, marveling at the fact that she still kept it open. Was she waiting for me? Pain twisted through my dead heart as I landed agilely on my feet.
One look around the room and I knew she wasn't here.
Where was she? Was she hurt? Had she moved out? Was she okay? So many questions ran through my head as I nearly ran out of her bedroom door, trying to keep quiet so as not to halt the angry snores coming from Charlie.
That was when I saw her. The bathroom door hung open, light illuminating the hallway I was currently standing in.
And there she lay, curled up on the floor, her head resting on a crumpled up towel. She was paler than normal, dark circles evaded her closed eyes, and her hair was a sweaty mass on top of her head, but yet, she was possibly the most beautiful person on the face of this planet. No, she was the most beautiful person on the face of this planet.
And her smell! Just the smell of her sent me racing into the bathroom.
Very quietly, I knelt beside her, awed by her beauty. I couldn't understand how I was ever able to leave her. Not only was her beauty sucking me in, but just the thought of her big brown eyes, her tinkling laugh, her witty comments, her sweet, sweet blush…
I shook my head, dispelling the memories from my head. I couldn't get out of control, because then I would be in danger of staying, which would only put Bella in peril. I wouldn't allow that to happen.
But if I was going to leave… It couldn't hurt to touch her, just once…
Hesitantly, and very humanly, I reached out to touch my fingers to her forehead. I pulled back, holding in a gasp as I felt the heat radiating from her. She was so sick! How could I leave her when she was even more fragile than usual?
No! I couldn't stay! I had to leave for her own good.
But I couldn't leave her in the bathroom like this. She would heal faster in the comfort of her bed. Which meant I had to touch her again…
A little too eagerly, I put my arms around her frail body, reveling in her warmth. She stirred, her eyelids beginning to flutter. I let go of her quickly and watched, holding my unnecessary breath.
"Edward…" she whispered, but I could tell she was still asleep. She was sleep talking. I listened intently to the delicate bell that was her voice. "Why?" she whimpered. "Why did you leave me?"
My heart clenched painfully as she continued to talk.
"I love you. I thought you loved me too!" she whimpered. "Please, please come back to me."
I couldn't miss the longing in her voice.
"Oh Bella," I whispered, wrapping my arms tightly around her small frame, had she lost weight?, and taking her glass of water that I had just noticed. "I love you too."
Very slowly, savoring the moment with my tiny steps, slower than a human's pace, I walked back to Bella's room and carefully lay her on her bed, tucking her in gently before placing the cup of water on her bedside table. Reluctantly, I let her go and took a step back, admiring her from afar, pain clutching every part of me.
"I will always love you," I whispered before jumping out the window quickly, trying to block the pain that was being thrown at me in waves. "Always…"
…When I woke up I was in my bed and it was light outside my window. I didn't remember moving; Charlie must have carried me to my room – he'd also put the glass of water on my bedside table…