Hatred was the only feeling that I could register. The woman who ruined my life, that had taken away my love, and had torn my family apart. I began to find myself writing disturbing things that were so unlike me that I would simply sit and cry at night, terrified of my own thoughts. If my thoughts were this disturbed, I couldn't even fathom what horrors my dreams would bring. In the day, my eyelids would barely stay open any more. Tamaki told me to go home and rest, but I insisted on staying. The usual acts of love that Kaoru and I put on for the females became overrun by genuine feelings. I no longer tried to play at the idea that we were having a relationship, but I would impose our relationship into their time. The girls didn't matter. The only important part of that place was Kaoru. He was the pillar holding me up, but at the same time, he could be the axe that brought me down. Almost every day, our hands would leave each other so that he could talk with the foul accursed bitch that frequented locker 437. During the time that the enemy would advance, I retreated to the lavatory to clasp my eyes shut until my light found me and he was once again in my grip. Things were different.
"H-Hikaru." He pleaded, shoulders pressing against our bathroom tile. My hands gripped his sides, pulling his body to me. Our lips meshed as we no longer made love. The words "make love" do not apply to this situation. the series of grunts, moans, movements and expressions could only be referred to accurately as fucking.
I could not determine if the correct term for my emotion was jealousy, or covetousness. Without him my heart was empty, but with him it had a hole. Without him my arms were empty, but when he held me, they grasped air. Without him, I was empty, but with him I was barely anything. His grip was all that was left for me in this world, but very slowly, over the next week, my delusions began to subside slightly, but my feelings still left me hollow inside. Kaoru confronted me several times about my attitude, but I couldn't tell him what I really felt. He looked so… happy.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months and I slowly regained normalcy as I noticed that Kaoru and Lorette's relationship wasn't going anywhere beyond the occasional hug and trip to the mall. Of course, I would always be supremely nervous about the dates, but I felt that it was something that Kaoru needed. When he first announced that he was going on another date with her, around two months after my breakdown, I quickly took to pounding several holes into the wall and crying in a corner for over an hour before I even let Kaoru near me to help calm me down. He softly rocked with me as my hands clasped my knees to my chest, and he whispered stories of memories long past into my ear until I was able to stand and wipe my tears.
The dates soon became commonplace, but never lasted more than two or three hours, and seemed harmless enough.
Harmless is relative, as the person to whom the harm is done might not be accounted for properly in the retelling of the story.
(Haha. Next couple weeks. Funny joke. Entering year 4 of this story's existance, let's make it a good one... hopefully finish the damnable thing off.)