Disclaimer: I don't own Hiiragizawa Eriol-san or Mizuki-sensei

Disclaimer: I don't own Hiiragizawa Eriol-san or Mizuki-sensei. If I did, you'd better believe I wouldn't let her get anywhere near Eriol-san or Touya-senpai (no, I don't own him, either). Go talk to CLAMP if you want to know about ownership. Ask 'em what they were smoking when they thought Eriol-san might want to date someone old enough to be his mother. Big, skeezy pedophile. Gives me the cold creeps, she does.

Dedication: Tsuin Circe…It was her idea, and it never would have been written if we didn't get really strange together. She's so great.

Notes: Eriol talks to God about what is surely happening in England as he deals with puberty the way any normal boy in his circumstances would. No offense intended towards anyone, especially those of a religious bent. It's humor, people. Just deal with it. Also, an apology to our fellow ExT fans for what the ending implies.

The Terrible Onslaught of Puberty

"Dear God,

Thank you for another day in which I did not hit puberty. If it comes for me tomorrow, please give me bad really acne. Everywhere. Or back hair. Or some weird, itching, oozing rash that won't go away.

Amen."

"Dear God,

I've noticed puberty creeping ever closer. If You will not stop its coming, could You please find a way to hold it off until I'm too old for Her tastes?

Amen."

"Dear God,

Puberty is on my very doorstep. Help?

Amen."

"Dear God,

Today, puberty hit. I shall spend the rest of the day reading the Bible for ways to become ritually impure in the hopes that this will stop Her from touching me. Please, please, please, as I've tried my very best to be a good boy all my life, keep Her from noticing that something has changed until I find a way out of this.

Amen."

"Dear God,

I know this is a sin. I know it's a sin and I'm doing it anyway. In fact, I would even encourage other boys – if I knew any way to do so tactfully - to do it, thus leading them into sin. Strike me down, God! Smite me! Smite me, smite me, smite me, smite me, ohhh SMITE ME!!!! ……………………………………………………………………………..

………………………….

Amen."

"Dear God,

As You appear to be acting like the God of the New Testament instead of the Old, please strike me blind so that I can't see the hungry looks She is casting in my direction. Better yet, strike Her blind, as You have proclaimed it a cure for having a lustful eye.

I now begin my ritual sinning in the hopes that You will exact Your Just Vengeance upon me.

Amen."

"Dear God,

She has noticed at last that puberty has come for me. Please help me. I know I've been sinning seven times a day for the last three weeks, but now is not the time to smite me. Because if You smite me now by making me unable to escape, She will make me sin an even worse sin. One of the really big ones. And She will be sinning too. There will be nothing but sin, sin, sin in this house. Please do something to prevent this now, as She is kneeling on my bed and advancing upon me. She has locked my door and has the only key. My Guardians have been drugged so that they cannot break down the door and rescue me. I can't get out without some Divine Intervention. God? Please God! Something! Anything! I'm begging You!"

Amen."

"Dear God,

I hate you.

Amen."

Finis

Eriol: She said "implies" in the Author's Notes. Implies! That doesn't mean that something did happen, just that it might have! Who's with me on this? Who's with me?

Chelle & Circe: *glance guiltily away*

Eriol: C'mon! Everyone knows I'd never let something like that happen. I mean, Mizuki Kaho???! Eeeeewwww, skanky!

Tomoyo: You're dirty.

Eriol: *washing frantically in a nearby sink* So tainted…dirty…can't get clean….

Circe: Do you think we should tell him that's acid he's washing in?

Eriol: I know that!

Tomoyo: They say you're clean once you reach the bone, Eri-sama.

Eriol: *sobbing* I still feel dirty!

Chelle: Make room there, my boy. Now that I think about it, I don't feel so springtime fresh either. *plunges into the acid-filled sink* I make me sick.

Syaoran: See! He's always getting some!

Sakura: *nod nod nod* It's not fair.

Chelle: Back to where you belong! I'm not going to write it!
Eriol: I didn't want it! I didn't want it!

Tomoyo: Nobody did, koishii.

Everyone who has made it this far: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie, Daidouji.