Dear Miss Etiquette,
I work in law enforcement, and I have a serious problem with the dress code. With all the shoot-outs, giant laser cannons and crazy space sorcerers/slaver lords/scarecrows/you name it, it sometimes happens that my shirt disintegrates. Now my colleagues and enemies are fine with it, but I recently had to play bodyguard on a senator's family outing, and when I lost the upper right half of my shirt in a fire-fight with mutated ants and the senator's daughter, said senator declared that if I did not manage to dress properly while on duty, he would have me frozen in the cyrocrypt. Now even with my uniform intact, the cyrocrypt is way too cold for my liking. What could I do?
I am afraid, besides avoiding senators there is really not much that you can do. Have you tried body painting?
PS: Could you please enclose a picture next time?
Dear Miss Tact,
My mentor keeps telling me that my aggressive tendencies prevent me from reaching a higher level of cosmic awareness. Now I have tried meditating every morning, but whenever I see someone manhandle Gherkins/steal deadly biological weapons/mistreat a Bronto bear/anything illegal, I find it hard to stay calm. I feel especially violent when some pushy outlaw queen/hot-headed rebel leader/sultry maniac with purple make-up tries to make a grab for one of my team-mates. What can I do?
Now this is half as bad as it sounds. There are occupations where your aggressive tendencies towards lawbreakers and other obnoxious people will be seen as an advantage. Have you considered working as a Galaxy Ranger?
PS: Why not make a grab for your – I presume attractive – teammates yourself?
Dear Miss Propriety,
I work for a special force within the military and despite all our equal opportunity efforts, the percentage of female officers is still only 25. I mention this because I recently ran into an ethical dilemma while on a mission.
My team and I saved a border town on Frontier 2 from being overrun by outlaws, and in the festivities that ensued, someone pulled out a harmonica and started playing a waltz, so I asked my female colleague, who was standing right next to me, if she wanted to dance. She consented and I held her at about half an arm's length during the entire dance. However, as someone pointed out later, Frontier 2 being a frontier world, there was a severe shortage of women, and some people complained that I had abused my rank to procure a female dance partner. My colleague, on the other hand, told me that it was nice for a change to dance with someone who was not stepping on her toes the entire time. Now my question: did I do something wrong and what should I do if the situation arises again?
My commanding officer urged that I should just do whatever it takes to keep my team from being arrested or executed since at least two of them are on watch by the Board of World Leader's security committee, but I am not sure what that means for the above-mentioned situation.
Unfortunately, I cannot ask my wife since she is currently being held hostage by an alien dictator.
I apologize for my bad hand-writing, but I am composing this letter while being levitated around in circles by a powerful evil psychic life-form.
I hope you can help me make better founded decisions in the future.
Dear confused Desperate,
I think it is ethically justifiable not to worry too much about whom you dance with until you have sorted out all the other problems in your life.
Enclosed you find the contact addresses of some good therapists, shoe-makers and the Galaxy Rangers.
the man I have the hots for stands on the wrong side of the law. What can I do?
Signed: Outlaw Queen
Dear Outlaw Queen,
enjoy it while it lasts, never tell him any vital information and always keep a blaster ready.
My lover keeps choosing the wrong company. I have tried to talk sense into him, but I am afraid there is not enough of his sanity left to understand me. What else am I supposed to do?
Signed: Dark Star
Dear Dark Star,
choose a different lover.
the universe keeps ignoring my superiority. What can I do to punish them?
Signed: a) Queen b) Sorcerer c) SuperCat d) Evil Genius Scientist e) Sorcerer's Apprentice f) THE Supertrooper
Maybe the universe is right?
PS: If you let me know your current whereabouts, I will try to send along some people who are eager to see you.
Dear Miss Sanity,
I am commanding a team of Galaxy Rangers. They are driving me crazy. How can I survive?